to be feeling like i have no say in my life

[bluespringtime]

A lot has happened this last year, first of all can I make it clear I do sort of love my child, any issues I have with parenting him are my fault not his and so I don't show it. He is happy I think and well cared for and in any case my husband is a brilliant dad.

So a lot happened this last year, I had been in my job a year when I got pregnant in June 2015 and I loved it, really sad though that sounds but we had just moved to the area so didn't really know anyone. So work colleagues became good friends, we would have nights out and coffees and chats. I was a teacher, it was a lovely school, lovely children.

Obviously once I was pregnant there were no more nights out, I was very ill and went on maternity leave early. I found it all very difficult, the days were long and I was so lonely. Husband worked long hours. I think I was a bit depressed.

I went back to work in September but there was a new head, department had changed, it was different. I was sleeping badly and felt on the back foot all the time as I was part time, keptmissing important information. Had a bad lesson obs in October, what followed felt like I was constantly on alert people "dropping in" children saying they had been asked how much homework I set. Another bad lesson obs in November and the head asked me if I wanted to leave at Christmas, or go on capability, I obviously agreed to leave. Hubby very supportive. Said I was stretching myself too thin.

He thinks next month to try for another baby and wants to emigrate. I am torn. I've no real reason to stay but then I don't feel I want to go either. I have to ask formoney all the time I hate it. I just feel like I'velost everything that made me who I was and I don't feel I like this new me. I am grumpy defensive tired and angry. But I don't know how to stop!

[RB68]

seemed to have deleted some of the message - that should read "ask for access to money that is for you without any control on what it is spent on or having to report back. 3, Have a think about some tutoring maybe once a week, littley could be with a younger teen for pocket money whilst you are still in the house. Tutoring around the 11 plus..."

[bluespringtime]

Because I just don't trust them. Maybe I'm being paranoid but I really have no trust of them whatsoever. They've accused me of all sorts, taken things I've said out of context, so I will only go if it's really necessary and then won'tgo alone.

[bluespringtime]

Dh did, well he grew up near here but not exactly here.

[Knifegrinder]

Taking your DH with you to the GP means you can't be honest? There's your problem in a nutshell.

Also, you realise his being out of the house 8 to 8 is not non-negotiable, don't you? DH left his highly-paid, prestigious, long-hours-and-weekends job in the autumn because it was my turn to prioritise my career, after being PT for a bit since DS was born. That you have a child to look after is both your issues, not your sole problem. He needs to look at PT, flexible working, or a different job so he can co-parent and you work.

[bluespringtime]

Yes well if DH negotiated being out of the house 8-8 we couldn'tpay the mortgage, that's just how it is. It's over £1000 p/m.

[Knifegrinder]

But you would be earning a salary too! Or you downsize/move to a cheaper area. There are ways of managing this, blue, but you are going to need to start behaving as if you are worth having a say in your own life, rather than resigning yourself to life as a passenger with no choices. Did you say that the 'choice' to have this baby wasn't something you participated fully in?

[Emeralda]

Could DH go with you and wait outside? Are you able to say why you won't see health professionals alone? Are you able to say what you wouldn't be able to be honest about with DH there? Sorry for all the questions, just trying to see how we can remove some of the obstacles to you getting help.

It's all very well him being supportive but I actually don't think he has a clear picture of how you're feeling at the moment.

[bluespringtime]

Yes but Knife, you say that like it's so easy. DH quits the job he trained for years to do, I get another teaching job, we all live happily ever after? That's not the reality. The reality is I was clearly shit at being a teacher and a mother lol. So I am a mother. How I feel about that is by the by that is what I am. So how to be happy in that? Maybe we should justmove.

[bluespringtime]

Emerelda thank you, well they've accused me of doing and thinking bad things about DS, they keep saying the same stuff over and over and I got angry (I am NOT excusing myself but honestly I think I'd slept for about 3 hours over 3 days) and I stormed out.

I haven't been since but I've said if I ever MUST go I take DH.

they just don't really help, Idon't expect them to really but when they make everything worse ... !

[Emeralda]

Cross-posting a lot - fast-moving thread! What has the GP accused you of in the past?
Whatever has happened in the past, you need help now.

[icy121]

Where abouts in Canada? Would you be financially better off? I know a family who left their shitty end-terrace in Basingstoke and moved into a 5 bed North American dream palace with a pool, in Montreal. Lovely ex-pat community to land into in the first instance and then build a life from there. Wonderful quality of life, hot summers, cross country skiing to school in the winter etc.

Tbh you sound fed up here so seems like you've got nothing to lose.... plus your medical notes wouldn't follow you so you could see a doctor again.

[Emeralda]

They will ask everyone the same uncomfortable questions about worast case scenarios to assess risk. I mean this in a nice way - I bet it's not hard to get your back up the way you're feeling right now. If they thought you were a risk to him, you'd have had more intervention by now. What help did they offer in the past? You might not have been ready to take it up then.

[Piglet208]

Oh Bluespring. People seem to be throwing lots of ideas at you to change your life but some of the things you gave said really raise the flag that you are suffering from depression. I don't think now is the time to think about your career or emigrating. I think you should book an appointment with the GP. Take your dh if it makes you feel supported and ask for help. If you stormed out before because the GP's comments triggered you then maybe they were suggesting that your PND was serious but you left before they could prescribe something. I am surprised that the GP and HV have not been more involved with you if that's what they suspect. There is NO shame in asking for help. No one will judge you and getting the right medication might change your life.

[rainbowstardrops]

I'm not sure why you took a pop at me OP when I only said similar to what a lot of other posters have said.
I was trying to help!
I'll leave you to it

[HandbagCrab]

If you just wanted to talk to someone you could ring the teacher support network - it's free and confidential and they offer regular telephone counselling.

What are you passionate about? What do you enjoy? How can you do more of those things?

[bluespringtime]

Thank you.

After I had him I kept seeing funny things. Like going to sleep at night I'd "see" me dropping him onto a motorway or him tumbling out of the sling and in a river or something. I couldn't sleep. I toldDH who said to go to thedoctor and it was really common.I did and it was awful. They kept saying "so you have thought about throwing your baby on amotorway" and Igot quite upset and said no,no I just "see" it!

Then they kept saying you need support with a baby, what support do you have but then got angry as the answers Igave weren't enough.

So I eventually walked out in the summer, I haven'tbeen back since.

[Room101isWhereIUsedToLive]

A really big thing to consider about a possible move to Canada, is the Hague agreement.
Canada would become your childs place of residence and in order to leave to go back to the UK with your ds, your husband would have to agree to it or you would have to convince a court that moving back to the UK was the best thing for your son. The Hague agreement is something everyone should be aware of if they are considering emigrating with children.

[Lofari]

Definitely sounds like Pnd to me op......been there 3 times. I also 'saw' things like you did with my first, and it horrified me. That's probably what sent me running to the GP. Like your brain is trying to make a dramatic worst case scenario for everything.....it's truly horrible. I recall my trip to the GP for my first bout of PND and I just burst into tears. No shame in it, happens to a hell of a lot of women. Take care of yourself lovely before you start trying to tackle other problems x

[Knifegrinder]

I don't say it like it's 'so easy'. I say it with the experience of someone who ended up on an extended maternity leave living (and not being able to drive), in a village where I knew no one, in one of the bitterest winters of recent years, with a demanding small baby and a DH usually gone in a very challenging and stressful new job. All family in another country, most friends abroad or several hundred miles away. My confidence was at rock bottom.

But I fundamentally believed in my right to work and be happy, and that it was DH's job to compromise and help work towards this, even if he and our finances had to make severe compromises to do this. You seem to believe you don't get a say, and it's hard to know whether that's depression speaking, or very unequal relationship dynamics.

One of the most damaging and DH's empowering things you can be is a passive passenger in your own life, but everything you say suggests you already know that.

[bluespringtime]

Yes but I don't want the thread to turn into LTB as I couldn't, ever.

[Knifegrinder]

Why not?

[thatdearoctopus]

First of all, some for you.

I agree with others on here that you sound depressed. When that's the case, it's hard to see any positives or any solutions to your situation.
I'm a teacher too, so I know a bit about the pressures you were under at work. People often suggest tutoring or supply work when you leave a school environment, but it's really not a viable option with young children at home. Supply is difficult because the random nature of it makes childcare impossible. I don't think it's you being awkward or negative to be discounting that.

I also agree that emigrating is not something you should be thinking about right now. Settling abroad is a challenge at the best of times and I think it takes a certain personality or frame of mind to make it work. I don't see that you're in that place at the moment.

I really really think you should get some help for your possible depression, which probably means biting the bullet and seeing a GP. However, it concerns me that you say you couldn't be honest if your dh was present. What's that all about?

[RandomMess]

I think you need to get your confidence back and be sure you are over the PND before you emigrate. It would be a culture shock and got make you feel even worse.

I'm sorry that the GP etc were so insensitive, it does sound like they were wanting to be sure you weren't suffering from severe PND/Psychosis - disgusting that they didn't follow up and check you were ok! Sleep deprivation and anxiety are awful to deal with.

you've had really rough ride.

[Razz1eDazz1e]

OP - Obviously your confidence has taken a huge knock since you lost your job. Try and look at it this way though - all you have actually lost there is £100 a month after childcare costs, etc.
In the nicest possible way, you sound totally overwhelmed, depressed and highly defensive. You talk as if things just "happen" to you, but this is not true. Your pregnancy was something you chose and your son is here because of your decision to have him. You lost your job because you are possibly not well.

People are criticising your DH, but perhaps he feels at a loss to know how to help you and feels like a new start somewhere else and a baby will give you the focus to move forward in some way?

You do not need to take your DH to the doctor with you. Change GP and go and talk honestly with them. Do it for the sake of your child if not yourself. Again, in the nicest possible way, start to appreciate what you do have, rather than what you don't. You have your physical health, a husband and a child who loves you. You need to stop blaming circumstances and take small steps towards getting well again. I'm not saying it's easy, but it's better than the alternative of blaming circumstances and slipping further into depression. Good luck

[thatdearoctopus]

Re: the questions from the medics. I expect they were probably just trying to establish that your baby wasn't in any danger of being harmed and that once you'd got through that bit, then they might have sorted you out with some anti-depressants or something.