to be feeling like i have no say in my life

[bluespringtime]

A lot has happened this last year, first of all can I make it clear I do sort of love my child, any issues I have with parenting him are my fault not his and so I don't show it. He is happy I think and well cared for and in any case my husband is a brilliant dad.

So a lot happened this last year, I had been in my job a year when I got pregnant in June 2015 and I loved it, really sad though that sounds but we had just moved to the area so didn't really know anyone. So work colleagues became good friends, we would have nights out and coffees and chats. I was a teacher, it was a lovely school, lovely children.

Obviously once I was pregnant there were no more nights out, I was very ill and went on maternity leave early. I found it all very difficult, the days were long and I was so lonely. Husband worked long hours. I think I was a bit depressed.

I went back to work in September but there was a new head, department had changed, it was different. I was sleeping badly and felt on the back foot all the time as I was part time, keptmissing important information. Had a bad lesson obs in October, what followed felt like I was constantly on alert people "dropping in" children saying they had been asked how much homework I set. Another bad lesson obs in November and the head asked me if I wanted to leave at Christmas, or go on capability, I obviously agreed to leave. Hubby very supportive. Said I was stretching myself too thin.

He thinks next month to try for another baby and wants to emigrate. I am torn. I've no real reason to stay but then I don't feel I want to go either. I have to ask formoney all the time I hate it. I just feel like I'velost everything that made me who I was and I don't feel I like this new me. I am grumpy defensive tired and angry. But I don't know how to stop!

[regularbutpanickingabit]

How are you feeling, Blue?

[bluespringtime]

My pregnancy wasn't planned. It was hard. I thought i'd feel differently, but Idon't.

[missbishi]

Earlier, you mentioned that you didn't want a baby. I'm sorry if this seems out of order but were you coerced into having him? Something just seems a little...flaggy, that's all. Apologies if I've got the wrong end of the stick.

[Emeralda]

Take whoever you feel most comfortable with, to give yourself the best chance of getting help. I agree about writing things down. I don't know if this will be helpful but you could google the Edinburgh post- natal depression scale to see if that helps you decide what to say. If there's anything you don't want, say you don't want it but keep asking what else they can offer you. Don't be put off by waiting lists, get yourself on there and decide whether you need it at the time. And ask what support they can offer in the meantime.

[juneau]

By all means take a friend to the doctor's, if that will help you to feel calm and supported - many people do that.

WRT your DH's ever-changing emigration plans and new baby plans please tell him to just hold off. You sound like you're suffering with PND from your first baby and you just sound so unhappy. Emigrating is massive and will take a lot of effort, money and thought. You need be well and strong before even having that conversation, much less acting on it.

[Miserylovescompany2]

Taking a friend would be the better option. Maybe make a list with bullet points? I know when I visit the GP my mind goes blank.

Just be honest like you have been on here. You are taking a huge step by admitting you need a little help, think of this as the first step of many taking you in the right direction.

Stick everything else on pause and concentrate on getting yourself to where you need to be.

[bluespringtime]

Thanks, there's loads to think about. I don't feel able to see a GP without someone being there, maybe I could take a friend instead of Dh.

[Bansteadmum]

You already moved to an inconvenient location because your H wanted to. Emigration should be off the table, not least because of the hague convention as a PP has highlighted.

You were not a bad teacher/mother when you were working. That's the depression talking. You has some really difficult circumstances andbad luck with your employer and struggled: many of us do. Once you feel better you can regain your confidence, whatever you decide about WoH.

[juneau]

Of course you have a say OP! A marriage should be a partnership, not a dictatorship. I think you don't know what you want and feel you have no options and THAT is the main problem. It sounds like you went back to work too quickly last time and foundered, so do you want to look for another job? Do you want to have a second DC right now, or is it just your DH pushing for that? As for emigration, wow! So much going on. Why does your DH want to emigrate for heaven's sake - is he Canadian or does he have contacts there that could mean a good salary, etc, that would free you up to a SAHP? If he's requiring you to 'ask' if you can spend money now will that continue if you move? Will you be able to work in Canada? I don't work and have NEVER asked my DH if I can buy clothes or something with money from our joint account ...

[hickorydickorynurseryrhyme]

Personally I think you should go and see a different GP and go on your own so you can be truly honest about how you feel. I think it would really help you (honestly) to take some antidepressants and maybe have some counselling so you can talk through your feelings. It is very understandable given your circumstances for you to feel the way you do. The feeling angry, defensive, etc are all symptoms of the depression I know cos I've experienced it. Trust me you will start to feel better. You need to take those steps first before doing anything else.

[Miserylovescompany2]

This is what I found on postpartum psychosis...


being severely depressed
being manic – excessively energetic and talkative
quick changes of mood from high to low to high to low
being restless and agitated
being very withdrawn
being very confused
not sleeping
racing thoughts
hearing voices or seeing things that aren’t there (hallucinations)
developing odd thoughts or beliefs (delusions)
feeling things aren’t real (like you’re in a dream world)
feeling paranoid and suspicious of other people
behaviour that is out of character
feeling suicidal
thinking about harming yourself or your baby.

...I don't think you suffered from a severe case. But, I do believe you have been let down massively by those who are supposed to help. I'm not surprised you've struggled and had to give up your job. It shouldn't of been this way. Your symptoms should of been addressed. You are clearly still struggling.

Please see a different GP. Maybe have a split appointment, one that you can speak honestly in the first half and then have your DH join you for the second part.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

The GP and HV aren't the only options for MH advice with PND. I got some appalling advice and deeply unpleasant attitude from both of mine in one place I lived. So I avoided them like the plague.

I went to a private therapist, she was £50 an hour and worth every penny. I went once a week for about 3 months. She always gave me homework.

Money was tight but DH fully understood that we needed me back being me or everything was going to go to shit.

He made extra efforts to make sure I got more sleep and went out with friends more, when I explained that those things were essential.

Canada is great, so are babies but you shouldn't move or have another baby until you've sorted the PND. If DH is super keen on those things then maybe that's the way to get through to him that you need loads of support to get over the PND.

[Astro55]

DH is on anti depressants as is one of my friends - they are much happier and cope much better - even finding things funny and enjoyable!

There's kobshame in getting some pills and feeling better about things

I was also a forced SAHP due to finances - you have to accept that you are in that position and not many people get to raise their own kids these days - and it's not a failure it's a short term solution and grab the chance with both hands!!

One day in the future your DH may need your support financially but at the moment you are suppprting him being able to work -

I had an account and DH paid some money in there for me - so I didn't ask for anything -

[bluespringtime]

regular and garlic, thank you so much, thank you, you are right.I willpost more later, we are out for the day on sundays usually, thank you

[garlicandsapphire]

I really feel for you OP. I think its PND too and I think you need support. I agree that it might also be colouring your judgement about the GP and others. So I think you should try again with the GP or try to go to a new one. I think I had PND when my first Dc was born and i felt horribly isolated and low, and I thought everyone knew I wasnt bonded with my child and was judging me (this was all in my head).

I also think you should put new babies and moving on hold. You need to find some equilibrium before adding more children and a wholly new environment to the mix. Just be honest with your DH.

I also think you should try and join some mother and baby activities - to get out of the house and meet other mothers - many of whom will be feeling the same way some of the time. A lot of women get a huge sense of comraderie and community by just passing the time with others in the same boat. Otherwise the days can be very long and lonely. I know when you're depressed its easy to see the reason why not to do things, and can be overwhleming, but it will make you feel a bit better.
And make sure you get out of the house every day, walk with the buggy and take notice - of the signs of spring etc. Take pleasure in a incidental chats at the supermarket... Talk to other mums with babies, the old people. Little steps to reconnect yourself.

[Trifleorbust]

bluespringtime: I wasn't trying to be critical. I was trying to help. I'm out. Good luck.

[regularbutpanickingabit]

Blue - I totally get that feeling of despair and of desperately wanting your old life back but knowing its impossible and nothing else coming close to feeling ok.

It's easy to diagnose over the internet but it does sound like you have PND or some sort of depression. It is completely and utterly understandable as to why:

1. You found a job and a community you really loved and fitted in well with. You expected that status quo to continue indefinitely.
   

1. Then you find yourself unexpectedly pregnant which shifted the social side of things.
   

1. Then you were really poorly whilst pregnant and that not only added to the missing out on job satisfaction (having to take leave early) but also isolated you from your new social network which is really tough.
   

1. Being unwell like that leaves you mentally and physically exhausted in the build up to labour and delivery. That can severely affect anyone's mental health.
   

1. The birth was traumatic as well. So you are exhausted, really unwell, trying to keep going, working harder than ever before to actually birth this child. How on earth is that supposed to make you joyous at seeing this little thing for the first time? Especially when he was a boy and you were expecting a girl? It's no reflection on who he is but it was another shock to a completely knackered and wrung out new Mum. Brain goes in to a major tailspin. It would for anyone. Please don't beat yourself up about that.
   

1. After heroically getting over that awful few months of pregnancy, birth and delivery and dealing with residual guilt that you don't have the Hallmark-hearts-and-flowers reaction to your little boy, you manage to get yourself back to work.
   

1. Getting back to work had probably been in the back of your mind as your saving grace. That going back will reset all the nastiness of the last year and give you back a bit of yourself. That your identity and your ability and you social life and your confidence and everything else wrapped up in that will return to something comfortable and familiar. You know it won't be identical because you still have your son and the restrictions that brings. But it will be closer to your normal and that's what you crave. What you need.
   

1. Then you get back to work and it's all different. Different people, different leadership, different demands. It's scary and confusing and you are still physically and emotionally and mentally exhausted. You are still recovering from the shock of life changing, let alone all the draining and tough things that have happened to your health.
   

1. Not only is it different, it is tough. You feel the need to prove yourself way beyond anyone else just because you are back from mat leave. This is what you are good at. This is who you are. To have that questioned and criticised and undermined takes you from a low place to somewhere so deep you cannot take it anymore. So would I.
   

10. So you leave. Yes, there was probably a case for constructive dismissal but that would have been another horrendous experience in itself. You should have gone back in to a supportive environment, one where they valued you and helped support you so they could benefit from all you have to give.

11. So now you are home again. Confidence is shredded. Identity stolen. Child still in front of you. Husband not understanding the visceral need for self identity.


12. I don't agree he is being financially abusive or controlling from what you've said here. It sounds more like he just doesn't know what you are feeling and doesn't know how to handle it. Does he ask you to ask permission before taking out money or is that what you feel you ought to do? Does he just want to keep a tally on finances to make sure he knows what's in and what's out? I may be wrong, but the Canada thing also sounds like he is trying to find a way to make it better, to take you away from the stresses at home.

13. Forget having another baby for now. Forget making any major life decisions. For now you need to take one day at a time and find a way to find your own contentment. This is going to take time.

14. Firstly, bad GPs and health visitors can make you feel even more useless but there are some really good ones out there. Could you write a list of all the things you want to ask and hand it over rather than speaking? I did that once when I fell apart and it was the best thing I ever did. My GP finally took me seriously. I could get everything down articulately and then she could make a plan. I sat there and sobbed and didn't say a word!

15. For me, having blood tests to check for anaemia, vit levels, iron, thyroid etc was step one in making me feel like there was some validity in how I felt. She suggested I take a high dose of vit B tabs first and gave me a prescription for anti ds. I started to come out of the fog within 2 weeks. That doesn't mean I started dancing the jig or anything, just that I could start separating out the different strands of how I felt and what I wanted.

16. Be honest in that list. Brutally honest. If you can, let your DH see it too. He might still not understand but if he is a good person and loves you then it will help him see how deep these feelings run.

17. Get out and get fresh air. Every day. Take the baby and just walk. Sunshine, air and exercise really do help.

Good luck

[Rockpebblestone]

Very short term, it might help if you could get in a routine of going to some baby/toddler groups in your area. If you got to know some of the other parents you might not feel so alone and unsupported. As for feeling people are criticising you, remember you don't have to offer them any information until you feel you can trust them.

Regarding the doctor if you still are experiencing involuntary disturbing mental images/thoughts, this does sound like a symptom of PND or something similar. There are treatments for this. Maybe change your practice if you don't feel comfortable talking with the doctors there. Another thing you could do is request your notes to see what actually is on them, if you are worried about this.

[bluespringtime]

Trifle youdon't understand so back off, if youthink how I feel is ridiculous I don't care but it's on a thread of people saying I have to be honest about how I feel and it is how I feel.

[bluespringtime]

Thanks, I do want tomeet other mums, but they all seem to have such different lives I find it hard. I also get jealous

[Trifleorbust]

I'm not being funny but you're being ridiculous about money. You are doing childcare because the family budget doesn't stretch to you working. Why on early would you then imagine the money was your DH's and not yours?

[RandomMess]

You are very vulnerable now and your DH doesn't sound like he knows how to be emotionally supportive.

As well as seeing your GP and insisting on help for your depression look at some couples therapy so you can learn to really talk to each other, for you to be heard. You clearly love your DH and want to be happy with him etc. so find a long term solution to not being able to talk freely to him.

More you really have been through the wringer!

[niddy]

Hi blue. What you described about imagining extreme scenarios, dropping baby etc are a common experience and related to our greatest fears and huge life changing responsibilities. It's a shame that in your sharing of it you were met with suspicion, rather than support and understanding.

They obviously weren't concerned about baby's welfare as didn't follow it up by the sounds of things, or indeed you up when it seems obvious that you were in an awful place

Park all baby, moving and working plans up for now. Your priority is to carve out some space for you to process where you are, find your voice. It is there, just buried under lots of stuff. Google local sure start centres or visit library to see what is going on locally. They often provide creche facilities on site so you can do something just for you. I can't tell you the benefit I felt just doing an hour of yoga and finding a bit of peace within the changes and grieving for my old life and freedom.

[bluespringtime]

I do but what I'm trying to say is, it's part of a bigger problem. If the problem was just I couldn't buy clothes that's so easily dealt with but back in the day we both paid into the joint account, we both saved X amount, we both paid X amount into the house, so if I spent £30 on a new dress that was mine. Now it's not and DH wouldn'tmind but I do.

We can't really downsize. Or want to. I mean we can afford the mortgage it just doesn't leave much for extras. But that's life with a child I suppose.

[Trifleorbust]

I would say don't emigrate, downsize your property if you can and make clear to your DH that you will use part of the the family budget for personal discretionary spending. That's as a start.