I hate (former) FIL giving my daughter gifts

[user1489260705]

Widowed Single Dad to 10 year old daughter.

Basically, former FIL gives my daughter 3 or 4 gifts every time he sees her and it winds me up.
Last time I got very annoyed about it and it upset family that I was annoyed - AIBU or is this a battle I need to fight?
I feel 1 small gift maximum would be a good compromise

Thanks in advance for advice

Think ppl are being very lenient because he is a man. Suspect if you had replaced FIL with MIL, you would have gotten a lot of replies about enforcing boundaries etc if you're not comfortable with that's happening.

Your FIL throwing tantrums is emotionally manipulative and trying to out gift everyone else is passive aggressive.

If you feel his gift giving is getting out of hand then perhaps try and talk to him about it, maybe suggest he doesn't need to buy lots of gifts, just one meaningful one?

I get it re the gifts OP, YANBU. My grandad is forever getting my DD (3.5) loads of gifts. I have nowhere to put it for a start (he volunteers in a charity shop so takes anything going). Also it's usually either dangerous or unsuitable for her age - he has bought her ladies jewellery including necklaces she'd only strangle herself on, ornaments with sharp corners she'd probably impale herself on (can you tell she's a clumsy child?) or a chocolate bunny half the size of her she wants to scoff straight away. Because he takes anything from the charity shop he often gets things that are no good as he doesn't understand what he's buying - for example, he got her a bug's life PC game, thinking it was a DVD - we don't have a PC to play it on and she's too young anyway. She was gutted. The worst had to be the sodding harmonica though that I had to send to Musical Instrument Heaven after it nearly drove me to insanity one day.

He swears blind that everything he gets is "brand new never been used" (even though I can see the pen marks scribbles all over it and half of it's missing)

It's hard asking them to stop without sounding supremely ungrateful. I'm also not a believer of being super grateful for anything given to you, especially if it's inappropriate, you don't want it or no thought has gone into it. I try and curb the gift buying but he does it anyway!

I don't think you sound horrible at all. I think your FIL sounds very difficult and you're trying to make the best out of a bad situation. Difference is my grandad adores my DD and wants to make her happy which is why he buys all the tat he buys, but I don't think it sounds like that with your FIL - think he just wants to show off! A 10yo doesn't need 4 gifts a month I do understand your frustration. There's some great advice already given on here about approaching it!

The gifts are getting bigger - I feel he is trying to "out gift" everyone else, like it's a competition
Last year, the other grandparents bought my daughter a gift - FIL insisted on giving them the money for their gift - is that odd?

Yes - it's odd.....but not if you understand narcissists and how they operate.

My first thought was maybe he's overcompensating given the past history with his own dd.
Then i read the other stuff about him interfering in your marriage, always trying to undermine you, throwing tantrums when he can't have his own way......and i changed my mind.

He's playing that old game of 'divide and conquer' - and he's playing the long game.
He's trying to insinuate himself as the 'good/best person' in your dd's eyes - keep giving her gifts, out-gift others and if they do buy her a better/bigger present then he has to find a way of re-asserting his power/influence.

He's still interfering in your family life AND getting away with it.
He probably thinks he can buy your dd's affection, trust and love whilst she's too young to understand.
Once she hits her teens and you begin to experience the natural rebellion of rules and boundaries - he's making sure HE is the person she goes running to.

No doubt he is already planting ideas and thoughts in your dd's head - 'i buy you all this because I love you.......they don't really love you cos look - their gifts are never as good as his'

You and everyone else needs to stop pussyfooting around him.
YOU are the parent and in control here - not him.
You decide what is acceptable behaviour - and if he doesn't want to play ball then you take away his toy......that's what your dd is to him - a toy to be used and played with whenever he wants the satisfaction of having a dig at YOU.

I'm sorry your wife isn't here to put her dad in his place or to protect your dd from his toxicity - there's only you who can do that now.

You've done the best thing by going NC with him, yet he is still undermining your authority.
I think it's time you tell him the consequence of not abiding by your rules - losing contact with dd - and be prepared to follow through the moment he ignores that.

He has no 'rights' where your dd is concerned.
Your dd's wellbeing is all that matters - is your dd benefiting positively from his input in her life? Or is he sowing bad seeds in your dd's head?