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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I hate (former) FIL giving my daughter gifts

78 replies

user1489260705 · 11/03/2017 20:02

Widowed Single Dad to 10 year old daughter.

Basically, former FIL gives my daughter 3 or 4 gifts every time he sees her and it winds me up.
Last time I got very annoyed about it and it upset family that I was annoyed - AIBU or is this a battle I need to fight?
I feel 1 small gift maximum would be a good compromise

Thanks in advance for advice

OP posts:
PacificDogwod · 11/03/2017 20:42

My condolences for your loss Thanks
Having lost your wife makes you a widower.
Your FiL having lost his daughter does not have a word - we don't know how to describe the loss of a child.
So, unless the gifts themselves are inappropriate, I very much feel that what a grandfather wishes to give his grandchild, the daughter of his late daughter, is between the two of them.
Even without sad, premature death, IME and IMO it is grandparents' joy and duty to spoil their grandchildren - it is not unique to your FiL.

AuntMabel · 11/03/2017 20:43

What an odd way to refer to him. Does he consider you his (former) SIL?

I imagine it may be overwhelming if the gifts are large and regular, but there are ways to deal with it. Did you suggest that one gift was ample, and that she would rather have his company than his presents, or did you just get annoyed?

RedAndYellowPeppers · 11/03/2017 20:43

I'm also uneasy about the 'former' FIL. The one thing that is important is that he is your dd grandfather and a very important link to her mum.

I'm wondering how often your dd sees him. Is it three times a week or once a month or even every 3 months?
The frequency makes all the difference IMO and there are plenty of parents that grumble about similar behaviour from their parents or PIL.
However, I think you also need to take into account the death of yu R dw, your dd mother. This will certainly have had an impact on your FIL and how he behaves with his grand daughter. Also on how upset he is to be told not get her any gifts.

Compromise compromise is needed there.

KeemaNaan · 11/03/2017 20:44

Why can't he buy her stuff? If her mother is the one you are widowed from, then your DD is a link to his DD.

RedAndYellowPeppers · 11/03/2017 20:45

Also I would be interested as to why you don't want him to give yur dd some gifts?
Is it because you dint have the room, because he is buying everything she needs, because it's all plastic junk?
Depending on the reason for your refusal of the gift, yu might or might have a point.

RebootYourEngine · 11/03/2017 20:47

I have seen this happening.

My dns grandmother used to give dn money everytime she visited. Dn then came to expect from their grandmother.

Butteredparsnip1ps · 11/03/2017 20:47

Is it things you would like to buy for her yourself?

I'm wondering why this upsets you so much.

Justanothernameonthepage · 11/03/2017 20:49

A bit of me sympathises with you. It is never easy to be a single parent. More of me sympathises with him. I hate the gifts my FIL gets my son (mountains of cheap stuff that isn't safe or age appropriate). I teach my son to say thank you and it gets thrown away or if it's safe enough, it gets passed on to nurseries/women's refuge. It can be frustrating, but he just wants to be seen as a generous and loves granddad. Rather than get annoyed, could you suggest he buys a pass to a local attraction and takes his GD out for the day instead?

EssentialHummus · 11/03/2017 20:50

What everyone else asked. It all depends really.

Original poster
user1489260705 · 11/03/2017 20:51

Thanks for replies. Yes there is a back story.

I lost my wife in 2011.

FIL is a control freak, so it is hard to judge what is reasonable with him. I've never got on with him.
He made the marriage difficult, has been under-mining me since I got engaged to his daughter.

FIL sees his grand daughter once a month, other grandparents happily act as a contact centre. I have no direct contact with FIL anymore as he just created drama, but I am happy for him to see his grand daughter

The gifts are getting bigger - I feel he is trying to "out gift" everyone else, like it's a competition
Last year, the other grandparents bought my daughter a gift - FIL insisted on giving them the money for their gift - is that odd?

OP posts:
FilledSoda · 11/03/2017 20:54

He is still your FIL.
Your wife's death doesn't make him 'former', generally 'former' would mean you have divorced.
Quite a heartless way to refer to him imo.

DaffodilTime · 11/03/2017 20:54

I would try to see it from your daughter's eyes and as long as it isn't unbalancing her (and I'm fairly anti too much material stuff myself If it distracts from the simplicity of a meaningful relationship) I would just appreciate that her wider family all love her in their special way?

BillSykesDog · 11/03/2017 20:55

You might have a point about the presents being a bit excessive but YABVU to get 'wound up' and 'annoyed' by it and view it as a 'battle' you have to 'fight'. Seems like a really aggressive over reaction.

Could you not just send him a nice email saying you really appreciate his generosity but you don't have the space for all the gifts and they're not being as used as they might because there are so many. I think suggesting one gift is fine and suggesting money in a savings account instead is a good idea.

Or how about asking for something more practical like books or paying for her to do an activity or class?

DaffodilTime · 11/03/2017 20:56

Also he may be doing this out of insecurity as he isn't seeing her much. I feel sad for him as perhaps he's trying to get as close to her as he can, even if giving her presents isn't the best way

Aeroflotgirl · 11/03/2017 20:57

Pick your battles, he is your daughters grandad, he has lost his daughter. Your daughter is the only piece of her he has left.

BillSykesDog · 11/03/2017 20:59

When you say he made the marriage difficult and undermined you, how did your late DW feel about that? Did she object too? Or was it more of a clash of personalities between you two?

RedAndYellowPeppers · 11/03/2017 21:03

I agree what was the relationship between your dw and her dad? Did she have similar problems?

It might be that he is trying to 'win' a bather that is only existing in his mind. If that is the case, the best is to not engage and have a word with your parents, who kindly play the role of intermediaries, to keep a low profile with them.

As for dd, if his idea is to try and 'buy' your dd affection, I can promise you that children canfeel that coming from miles and that she is unlikely to bite. Talking from experience there... (me and my own hard father)

RedAndYellowPeppers · 11/03/2017 21:05

I think you need to be careful because he seems to bethe one link she still have to that side of the family. As dd has lost mum, keeping that going is probably much more important than for any other family.
Which raise another question, is your FIL the only family member she is still in touch with, on your dw side of the family?

TENSHI · 11/03/2017 21:05

Some men (and women) in particular like to show off 'bigger must be better' etc. It's egotistical and I would not worry about it, if your dd is happy I don't think there is a problem.

You could of course encourage your dd to tell him that she would prefer money so she could put it in a savings account? I'm sure he would be happy to oblige if it was she who asked.

SecretNutellaFix · 11/03/2017 21:10

How long ago was your wife's death? I know it's hard, and it can sometimes feel like maybe he's trying to "buy" your dd affections while you are struggling to deal with the everyday emotional and physical needs of your child. But can you try to place yourself 30 years from now, be in his position? every time he sees your daughter he's not only seeing her, he's remembering every single day your wife- his daughter- was the same age.
It sounds like the relationship has never been particularly close? Perhaps encouraging him to share photos and stories of your wife, rather than him buying stuff?

PacificDogwod · 11/03/2017 21:12

Last year, the other grandparents bought my daughter a gift - FIL insisted on giving them the money for their gift - is that odd?

Yes, that is odd. But it is your parents' problem, not yours (did they actually accept his money??).

It sounds like you are wise to not have direct contact with him, but stay out of his relationship with your DD.
Nothing to stop you from having conversations with your DD about how pain and loss can affect different people differently and how her grandfather may be overcompensating for his loss etc etc.

Still, as long as the actual gifts are age appropriate and she likes them, I'd not engage with him by refusing them or sending them back (which no doubt would upset your DD too).

4sausages · 11/03/2017 21:13

A couple of pps suggested some sort of savings rather than gifts. I wonder if you can conduct some sort of reverse psychology and try to make your FIL come up with this idea himself. Imagine how useful the money would be when your DD goes to uni/ buys a house/gets married etc etc.
Incidentally my FIL was just that, never "former", until the day he died, despite outliving my DH by several years and also being a PITA!

DJBaggySmalls · 11/03/2017 21:23

It sounds like he may be trying to buy her affection. Can she see through it? Many kids pick up on it an are made uncomfortable as they feel they are being used.
Open a savings account for her, just in her name, and suggest he pays into that for college. But be prepared for him digging his heels in. You may have to let it go.

ComeOnSpring · 11/03/2017 21:24

YANBU in not wanting your daughter to have 3 or 4 gifts each time she see a relative. Its very rational to not want your daughter to become materialistic, and be looking out for presents rather than excited to see her relatives.

It sounds like maybe YABU about the way you've approached it. But there's not enough information to tell. Be very very sensitive about this. To say you are annoyed is quite strong. Its basically something to work on and manage/reduce, but be gentle and given the situation there's no rush.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 11/03/2017 21:26

People cope with grief differently. I guess this is one way he copes. Are you struggling financially and might that contribute to your unhappiness about this?