Last straw with DD

[silverpanda]

Good morning, (I'm new to this forum so I do apologise in advance for any mistakes in making this post)

So here's the thing. My DD is nearly 25 this year, with no job, nothing more than a single A level to her name, no intention of finding any sort of work, and I am at my wits end. This has been going on ever since she was 18.

Growing up, she was always very bright - top of her class, straight A grades, etc. Then A levels came along, and she only managed to scrape by with CEU grades. It was extremely shocking to us all. She had a very specific list of universities she wanted to attend, and when she couldn't get into any of them, she refused other life paths because it was (in her words) "embarrassing". Retaking her A levels the following year brought on worse grades.

After that second retake, my DD attempted suicide and it tore my heart to pieces. I really thought I lost her that day, and all those nights spent at the hospital kept me wondering if there was something I did wrong somewhere along the line. I thought my life was over.

So after that incident I treaded very carefully around her. I didn't push her to do anything she didn't want, and I tried to be supportive of whatever idea she had. Recently though, I don't think I can do this any longer. Our arguments about her issues are getting more frequent, and every time I try to get her to do something she cries/says something extremely spiteful and I wonder if this is going to be the day I won't be able to get her back.

Now, I'm seriously considering sending her to her dad's (we are divorced) because I know that he at least will be able to "force" her to attend foundation or the like. Does that seem unreasonable?

There is a growing phenonomen of young people withdrawing to their homes. It is a big trend in Japan (hikikomori)and Korea but is also being studied in Australia and the West.
www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-23182523

I'm well aware of the difficulties I have suffered from depression and anxiety since my teens I'm now in my 40's, and I had a breakdown 11 years ago. My main condition is agoraphobia I've been unable to work for 8 years and currently haven't been out for 6 months.

I do know what it's like but I also know it doesn't mean you don't try and sort it.

Sounds like my brother - ridiculously smart but suffered at uni, couldn't make friends, now 50, no family of his own apart from us and back at mums every night for dinner. I'm certain he is autistic for various reasons. Help her now before she slips into his pattern.

Okay so we had the talk. Yesterday, she went down to the college to register for an access course so at the very least I'm happy about that.

However, she was adamant about not going to see a doctor or a therapist (which I am incredibly worried about because I feel like now we're just putting a bandage around everything and not actually solving the problem). In a fit of anger about her doing the "brick wall" thing again I also blurted out that if I had known that I'd have her as a kid I would have chosen not to have children.

I regretted it immediately of course but well, what kind of mother even says that? I love her more than anything else in the world but I'd be lying if I said I never once wished that that were the case instead. Worst thing was I would have accepted anger but she just continued in her flat voice saying "I know, give me a few years and you'll never have to see me again" and it kills me. I feel like I've failed her.

Ok you need to immediately apologise to her and tell her you love her. We all Saturday and so hurtful things in anger but you must repair this. Just tell her she puts you under strain sometimes but you love her and of course wouldn't swap her for the world

Is she dyslexic or anything? I'm 'very bright' but struggle with sequencing and spelling etc. Is she bad at organisation, reading time tables, spelling etc?

You need to get her to counselling.

Say not Saturday - sorry!

I did, Sunshine. My DD is not the forgiving type and if I thought we had a strained relationship last week this week it's like living with a complete stranger. Any conversation attempts just gets the reply, "I'm going back to school, our goal is accomplished."

I know this whole conversation thread sounds ridiculous given her age. But she's still my DD, I'm not exactly young, and I've seen so many cases up close where people procrastinate mending a relationship over a small, minor incident and they never get it back. Of course I didn't mean it but given the history of some of our conversations I don't know if she knows that.

I haven't read all the posts.
I've been in a very similar situation with my dd.
since my dh and I remain married my option was to send her to her grandmothers.
my mother really brought her to an improved level of independence but it wasn't until she met the right fellow that she really matured.
we now have an excellent relationship as is the relationship she developed with her grandparents.

One thing I do suspect however is that she might have OCD of sorts, though I am very wary of calling it that without a professional diagnosis, despite how it seems. So many times have I caught her reformatting her electronic devices over and over again for no apparent reason (she used to refuse to install even Whatsapp because it "taints the device"), and I've seen note-papers thrown out, re-written, and thrown out again - all incomplete - because of a misspelling or something

I don't think that's OCD. That sounds more, to me, like someone who has nothing better to do with their time. It's the same sort of thing someone will do when they're procrastinating.

OP, in light of that outburst, how about signing up for some therapy yourself? Not family therapy. Just for you. That comment came from a place you need to explore.

Agree with Mathanxiety , can you access some counselling for yourself ? I think you would find it really helpful .

I find the ' our goal is accomplished ' really odd . Surely it is 'her' goal ?

She also doesn't sound as though she has any empathy for you or appreciation of what you are providing for her .

'I love you. I'm sorry. I love you in uni, not in uni. I love you studying or working in a local bar. You have not failed me. I love you.'

Try a coach not a therapist. I expect she understands her problems v well. Coaching is more forward focused and more strategy based. Find a good one via the association for coaching.
The reason I say this is I have a fair few clients who had therapy and understand their problem v well and now need something different to move beyond the current situation. Equally I've had clients that I've referred for therapy.

Autonomy is one of three core ingredients of intrinsic motivation. In other words, we’re most inclined to want to learn when we can do it freely and of our own accord. When we believe others are interfering with our autonomy by trying to control our performance — say, by offering rewards, threatening punishment or offering certain kinds of praise — our motivation plummets.

Professors Edward L. Deci and Richard M. Ryan, pioneers in the study of motivation, say girls are more vulnerable to having their autonomy and motivation threatened. Because girls are raised to please others, they tend to care more about feedback from teachers and parents — and so are more sensitive to feeling controlled.

Females, Deci and Ryan have written, “pay particular attention to evidence of having pleased the evaluator when praised.” That’s why multiple studies find that girls show more negative outcomes when they are praised in ways that pressure them to keep performing at a high level.

In one study, praising elementary-school students for fixed traits and abilities, like being “smart” or “nice,” undermined intrinsic motivation for girls, but not boys. Another study found that in success situations, boys were more comfortable with praise that focused on their abilities, while girls were more comfortable with effort praise (“You worked hard”).

So what does work for girls? One study found that using informational praise to describe a good performance (“You did very well on that test”), instead of making an interpretation of it (“You’re so smart”), increased girls’ intrinsic motivation. Praising effort (“You worked really hard on that”) over ability has consistently been proven to motivate all kids, and especially girls.

Failing well is a skill. Letting girls do it gives them critical practice coping with a negative experience. It also gives them the opportunity to develop a kind of confidence and resilience that can only be forged in times of challenge. Besides this, girls need educators and parents to challenge stereotype threat, reminding them that ability can always be improved with effort, and that who they are will not determine where they end up.

What do you think of this, OP? It's from ClaireH's link upthread.
time.com/4008357/girls-failure-practice/