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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it is usually always rude to comment on someone's weight?

76 replies

lottieandmia · 10/03/2017 21:06

I think it's rude to comment on someone's weight. And I think that when a man does it it's a deliberate 'neg' pick up artist type thing.

Maybe if someone's openly going to weight watchers then it's ok to say 'ooh you look slim' but it's not ok to say someone looks too thin or they've out weight on.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TheStoic · 11/03/2017 03:11

It's incredibly arrogant to comment on someone else's body.

Who are you, and what makes you think anyone would be interested in your unsolicited opinion about the size of their body?

MercuryInTransit · 11/03/2017 03:30

I lost half a stone in the last month and a half, not a lot, but a start, but wtf...... the comments at the school gates like "you're wasting away" and "don't go mad now, you'll end up too skinny, ha ha ha" almost made me run to the sugar.

I felt like bitch slapping them to next week to be honest.

Who the fuck do they think they are? Jealous bitches.

I wish people would mind their own business. Mention my hair or scarf or earrings, but butt the fuck out of the personal comments.

I do think that a few quips should be handed out in weight watchers to fend off the rude shit people come out with.

I like your styleé TheStoic.
Some good quips on this thread 💐

trinity0097 · 11/03/2017 06:35

I get fed up with people saying 'you look well' - when well means slimmer. I don't look well, I look skinner, but just as tired and haggard as before!!!!

It seems to be the go-to of parents at school (I am a teacher!) - please you don't need to comment on my weight or health unless I bring it up!

Boulshired · 11/03/2017 07:29

Sometime You just cannot win. I rarely comment on appearances at all but have had a few occasions when family and friends have been upset with me as I have not told them how good they look after weight loss.

KoalaDownUnder · 11/03/2017 07:37

Boulshired, if they've actually told you they're trying to lose weight, I think that's the only time a comment is okay.

MetalMidget · 11/03/2017 07:43

I had a baby 12 weeks ago and my Nan has tried to ask me twice what my weight is, have I lost the baby weight yet?

My mom asked me how much I was weighing... two days after giving birth. We were back staying in hospital as my son needed phototherapy at the time.

She also knows that I had an eating disorder in my early 20s.

She's obsessed though - everyone gets judged on their weight, not just me. My brother, his wife, his parents in law, his dog...

It's fucking rude and can be damaging, even if it's kindly meant. And that applies to commenting on slim/thin people too.

BirdInTheRoom · 11/03/2017 08:10

My MIL always tells me I have lost weight (I haven't) and I hate it as I feel like she's appraising my body all the time. It also implies she thinks I had weight to lose in the first place!

yikesanotherbooboo · 11/03/2017 09:58

Any sort of personal comment is rude.
As far as weight is concerned I being slim is not something to be proud of or to congratulate someone on, same as any attribute really. It could be that you know someone very well and that they have worked hard to lose weight/ get fit/learn a skill.... that can be praised in certain circa but otherwise YANBU

WinterRose92 · 11/03/2017 12:06

MetalMidget That is absolutely ridiculous. It's nobody's business, who do they think they are? Thinking about it, my Nan actually asked me about 3 weeks after giving birth, but it's been in the past week she's asked twice! Really gets say back up. Don't understand why people seem so obsessed with weight?! And you're right, it can be so damaging.

WinterRose92 · 11/03/2017 12:10

And yes, the same goes for commenting on people who are slim. The world is obsessed with weight, weather it's 'too much' weight or 'perfect' weight, or 'not enough' weight!

Original poster
lottieandmia · 11/03/2017 12:16

The thing that annoys me about it too is that some people use it as a way to attack you or make you feel vulnerable. They know what they're doing.

OP posts:
Winniethepooer · 11/03/2017 12:19

I am slim not skinny.
Everytime i was was pregnant people, even people i didn't know very well would insist i was never going to return to my pre pregnancy size...

I did, 7 times!Grin

PietariKontio · 11/03/2017 12:25

If someone talks about their diet and weight loss, I'll say something like 'well done', because they've achieved something they've worked at.
I wouldn't comment on how they look, 'cos 1) size, imo, doesn't necessarily equate to looks, and 2) it's not something I think about or feel I should comment on

MollyHuaCha · 11/03/2017 12:30

I regularly lose weight (Crohn's) and gain weight (steroid treatment for Crohn's). People's comments get on my nerves.

KC225 · 11/03/2017 12:32

I remember a radio programme years ago when they were asking male commuters if they would give up their seat for pregnant women. One guy replied 'its not that easy to tell so I would I let a pregnant woman stand than make a fat girl cry' I thought that was funny. I could see his point

pigsDOfly · 11/03/2017 13:36

I had this several years ago when my then boyfriend was dying.

My bosses partner mentioned it on an almost daily basis, particularly how skinny my arms were, they're pretty skinny at the best of times anyway. But yes, I know I'm losing weight, because someone I love is dying, I'm running a home and working a ten hour day and then running up to the hospital every evening. Yes, I do have a mirror in my house and I know I'm about a stone underweight, but you keep reminding me love, because, you know, it's really helpful.

Sorry, rant over.

No urnbu OP.

danTDM · 11/03/2017 14:08

Cripes no, don't even get me started...
My go to now is 'you too' for everything.
I have had everything in the last year due to extreme ill health (which is bad enough without running commentaries) Better now though Smile

So...
You look thinner YOU TOO
You look fatter YOU TOO
You look pregnant YOU TOO
You look better YOU TOO
You need to exercise YOU TOO

FUCK OFF I DIDN'T ASK YOU, YOU SHIT

danTDM · 11/03/2017 14:09

ps Fantastic thread, thanks OP

danTDM · 11/03/2017 14:13

The people offering opinions are never, ever perfect at all, either.
Always fatter than me/unfitter than me, guaranteed.

AFierceBadRabbit · 11/03/2017 14:19

No, not at all unreasonable, I absolutely think it's rude - and weird! I can't imagine doing it.

I do have some personal experience, but can't really say it's about 'negging' or involves people trying to put me down, I'm really not sure what motivates it, although the people who do it are friends, family, etc.

I have had one asshole approach me in a bar and say 'Christ! How can you function being that thin?' I promptly returned the compliment regarding his baldness (which I don't actually see as a negative) and he quickly shut up.

Friends, mostly male, occasionally make comments in a jokey or sweet way, such as 'get some weight on, we need to fatten you up!' and it is never delivered in a rude way, almost sweet to be honest, but essentially it is still fucking mindblowing that anyone even brings this issue up!

I am 7stone13 and 5'4. I eat. I have anxiety. My weight goes up and down with a few pounds but never reaches an extreme. I suppose it's just normal for me.
That said, my dad used to say 'don't fall down a grid!' in jest and it would be hard to take offense.

It's a mixed thing, I wonder if people would utter their thoughts if i was overweight?

I don't know.

RB68 · 11/03/2017 14:22

yes absolutely they would and all the other judgy things they can think of. I stick with you are looking well.

AFierceBadRabbit · 11/03/2017 14:23

Having mostly male friends i have noticed they are a lot more at ease bringing up the subject each others weight and appearance, and seem to do it a lot in a piss-takey kind of way. No one ever gets offended. Perhaps it comes down to tone, how it's delivered, and other social cues....

Still, personally, I'd avoid it.
I can't imagine even silently judging someone's bodyshape let alone voicing an opinion.

thenewaveragebear1983 · 11/03/2017 15:19

It really goads me when I say I'm dieting and I want to lose two stone; people my mother in law says 'no you don't, you're not overweight, you're lovely and slim' and keeps on and on til eventually I snap and inform her that actually I'm borderline very overweight, i'm over 12 stone, my bmi is xxx, I am actually fat and even if I lost two stone I would actually still be only in the top end of normal. It infuriates me that someone can patronise me to the point of exasperation to make me feel better when what would actually make me feel better would be to not comment on my eating, provide something I can eat that's not sugary, junk food, and genuinely compliment me when I actually do lose some weight. When I'm standing next to my slim sisters in law, clearly 2 dress sizes bigger than them, being told I can't possibly be bigger than an 8-10 I just want to stab them all in the eyes with my chubby little fingers. It's reverse bitchery.

Ohyesiam · 11/03/2017 15:55

It's a personal remark, even when it's dressed up as a complement. I value complements from my closest friends, because they go through my life with me, and see the bigger picture, but that whole 2d appraisal of your appearance, yuk, it Just leads to self consciousness.

HelenaDove · 11/03/2017 17:17

1983 It depends on the person Im an hourglass so once i hit 12 and a half stone down from 21 stone i started to look curvy and i have big boobs and hips and a very small waist. Can get into size 12 fitted skirts.

And because i was 21 stone just over 12 stone was slim FOR ME. Everyone is different and thats why ppl shouldnt comment.

And the reason much older women make comments is because they grew up in a time when looks were the only capital they had.
Still no excuse though.