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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can you help settle stupid argument-parenting

54 replies

NormalBloke · 09/03/2017 20:21

We're both in our 40s
I'm divorced and have 2 sons 5yo and 9yo
She is divorced and has 2 daughters 5yo and 10yo
We both have our own homes
She has daughters nearly full time . I have my boys every other weekend and 1 night through the week. When I have the boys at the weekend she has the girls so we always all meet up and do something together.
We've been together 2.5 years

Anyway she works part time as a photographer. She paid for a full day photography course last Friday at a centre 50 miles away and said she won't get home until 1730. She told me last week on Tuesday that she had no childcare yet as her girls finish school at 1530. She didn't want to ask the girls Dad for some reason and her Mum was too busy.

I then offered to drive to her girls school and pick them up at 4pm from after school club. I pick my own sons up at 1530 so I would then drive the 7 miles to her daughters school. She agreed with this and I suggested when she got back we go all go out for dinner. Again she agreed as she said she wouldn't have anything prepared anyway with been on the course all day.

Everything ok so far. I then made one request. I said please can you give me a call when you are on your way back. She said No I don't need to. I said please I would really appreciate a call just to let me know what time you will be back.. She refused and said I don't need to because I've ready told you it will be 1730. I asked very politely every time but she just refused every request which left me feeling frustrated.

Now kids at 1730 are starting to get really hungry so I wanted to ensure I was pulling onto her drive at exactly the same time so her girls could get a quick change then we could go straight to the restaurant. I wanted to avoid any delays and didn't just want to get a phone call from her saying "I'm home you can bring them back now"

By the time I get 4 kids packed up shoes on strapped in the car etc etc it would just be more wasted time..Also I didn't want the situation where she says I'm home and the kids say "I've just started playing this game" or "I've just started watching this cartoon" etc etc...I just like to be really organised and know what's going on. I even told her even if your on time can you just let me know......She refused and said she doesnt seem any need to.

Am I wrong. I thought it was a reasonable request.

Would appreciate any opinions on the matter. It's caused a fall out......thanks for reading.

OP posts:

TheFairyCaravan · 09/03/2017 21:50

YANBU

DH works 50 miles away. He texts me everyday when he leaves work and calls me on the way home if the traffic is heavy or there is a delay of some sort. It takes about 15 seconds.

You're doing her a favour. It would hardly hurt her to make your life a teeny but easier on that day would it?

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/03/2017 21:54

thebakerwithboobs
You sound exhausting.

He is doing her a favour by sorting out her kids and he is the one that "exhausting" by asking for a courtesy call.

DancingDragon · 09/03/2017 21:54

Well I would have called out of courtesy if my partner asked me to, because he's looking after my kids.

Love51 · 09/03/2017 22:00

My dh is the 'text me when you are leaving type'. I never have been, but since having kids I like to know whether to feed them or wait for him. It is a modern thing since mobiles, I remember wishing my dad home so we could eat and being pissed off he insisted on getting changed!
I just do it coz it isn't hard and keeps him happy!

GatoradeMeBitch · 09/03/2017 22:00

Well we all have phones. It would take her 10 seconds to let you know she was on her way. I don't think YABU. You're the one doing the favour, and she cannot 100% guarantee that she will be home by 5:30.

How about you just assume she will be late and do your Plan B scenario? Take a change of clothes for the girls to your house, pick them all up, they can change at yours, and then you can all meet her at the restaurant. If she's late it doesn't matter, the kids can have starters.

NeverTwerkNaked · 09/03/2017 22:03

I really dislike the pressure to constantly update someone on how a journey is going. It's a constant distraction from driving (and probably breaking the law now!)

She was being pretty unreasonable to book a course and assume you would have all 4 kids. But given the timings wouldn't it have made sense to feed all four at yours? Then she could just head to yours? Sounds like a needlessly complex evening!

(We have four kids, similar ages, between me and Dp and you are definitely right about the total nightmare of getting all four out of the door!)

harderandharder2breathe · 09/03/2017 22:04

But if she's driving 50 miles who knows what the traffic will be like so what's the point of "I'm on my way"?? You still don't know what time she'll actually arrive.

Just have a change of clothes for her kids and get them changed at yours, meet at the restaurant. Get the kids a bowl of chips to share while they wait if they're really starving

Pembilton · 09/03/2017 22:06

YANBU

I really can't see the problem with you saying "can you give me a call when you're x minutes away so I can set off for yours and we'll make it there at the same time?" I wouldn't have any problem with this or need any more of a reason to do it. It's not a big deal really on either side and I don't think it's necessarily an anxiety thing it just makes things easier for you with minimal (if any!) inconvenience on her part (assuming she has hands-free and is comfortable using a phone in the car-- that's the only issue I can think of). Perfectly reasonable IMO.

If it were me in your shoes, I'd have to just go with the 17.30 plan now. She clearly feels strongly about not phoning for some reason. BUT, woe betide her if she was five minutes out either way! (Don't recommend making a deal of it obviously as certainly would not help the situation, I just wouldn't be able to resist!! )

ThisIsNotMyName99 · 09/03/2017 22:09

YABU. DH is like you, as if I can't arrive when I say I will.

I put on my own knickers, keep the kids alive and hold down a very responsible job. If I say I will be there at X time, I will. If I'm late, I will call. If not then get off my back. I am not a child and not is your DP.

FatOldBag · 09/03/2017 22:10

It sounds like you're both looking for an argument. There really isn't a need for her to call you but you are insisting, but then it should be no problem for her to give you a quick call or text as she walks to her car just to say "I'm on my way now" but she won't. It's really weird. Do you get on well otherwise? Have there been any other disagreements and what do they tend to centre on (or do you just argue about everything)?

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 09/03/2017 22:16

I don't think you're BU at all. Anything can happen on a 50 mile journey, and a courtesy call isn't too much to ask. I wouldn't think twice about saying yes to a request like that. I've been outside my ex's house at the arranged time to drop the DCs off and he hasn't been home. It's a pain to stand around with young, hungry kids, waiting for someone to come home who can't be bothered to let you know what time they'll be back.

thebakerwithboobs · 09/03/2017 22:19

He is doing her a favour by sorting out her kids and he is the one that "exhausting" by asking for a courtesy call.

Heave been together two and a half years yet he still regards looking after her children as a one off favour? Yes, exhausting. She's told him when she will be back and he still asks her to call as though he doesn't trust her to be back on time. Yes, exhausting. He can't just take all the children to the eaterie and meet her there. Sorry, but also exhausting. It's a really simply, every day scenario but I'm afraid, as a pp has said, it sounds like perhaps they both want to fall out.

Casmama · 09/03/2017 22:27

I would be very surprised if this is an isolated incident.
My guess is that you like to micro-manage things and have particular ways of doing things and can't comprehend people doing things differently and she is a bit hacked off with it and digging her heels in.

I think sibu in this situation but if I am right about the background then it is understandable.
If I'm wrong then I'm sorry ☺️

Itsnotwhatitseems · 09/03/2017 22:30

I would give the kids a yoghurt and a piece of fruit after school so they don't get over hungry as if you get to the restaurant at 6, by the time you have ordered and been served it could be about 6.30 and that's a long time from lunch (assuming its midday) for little ones

ThreeFish · 09/03/2017 22:47

I will not use the phone in the car. Hands free or not.
I make arrangements to be in a place at x time.
If I'm going to be late, I will stop and let the person know, but otherwise will just turn up where I am supposed to be at the time I am supposed to be there or preferably and usually early.
I hate this contactable at all time thing.
Plus it's dangerous.

Chill a bit and feed your kids a snack.
YABU

Wallywobbles · 09/03/2017 22:49

Dh and kids do 70kms every evening. They need supper on the table on arrival after 12 hour day. He Wazes me and that sends me their eta. DDs have it on their phones for school trips and they can let me know their etas too. If there's an accident it sends me an eta update.

I can't really get my head round her objecting without some kind of back story.

Tartyflette · 09/03/2017 23:00

Yes, i think Casmama may be right.
It's not really about parenting at all - it's about your relationship; the kids are a smokescreen.
For whatever reason, stubborn-ness or asserting herself, she won't do what you want. You seem to want to insist on her doing it your way.
Could you both not be a bit more flexible and accept a compromise whereby she will call you if she is going to be late and you can adapt the plan if necessary. No call - then she's on time and the original plan goes ahead.

Bizzysocks · 09/03/2017 23:04

I think if someone asks you to do something which will make there lives easier or happier and it's no bother (a quick call) just do it, why be a PITA

Bizzysocks · 09/03/2017 23:08

If it was me I would set the sat nav, see what time it says I would get back in current traffic then call and let you know.

I think the pp suggesting you have a key makes most sense, or the girls go out in their uniform and she meets you at yours.

Itsnotwhatitseems · 09/03/2017 23:11

I don't think Op is being U at all. Its a caring thing to look after his GF kids to enable her to go to her photography class, it was something he volunteered to do to help her out as she had foolishly forgotten to organise it. I think a call or text to say "on my way" is appropriate, with 4 hungry children in his care who will probably ask "whens dinner, mum coming home etc". 50 mile journey on a Friday evening could take a lot longer than she anticipates.

Please update us if she arrives on time OP as I have a feeling she wont (and I don't know her :) )

GwenStaceyRocks · 10/03/2017 09:43

It's odd because it's putting responsibility on the gf for the evening running smoothly.
She has to text and everyone will move with military precision to meet her but what if there's an accident on the motorway? what if she gets half-way home and realises she left her camera at the venue? It's turning what is supposed to be a nice night out, into a pressure. It would be much easier and relaxing if OP just dealt with the DCs so if they're hungry, they get a snack. If gf gets caught up, he takes DCs to the restaurant or feeds them at home.
It's all unnecessarily complicated.

Annesmyth123 · 10/03/2017 09:46

50 mile drive anything could happen.

Why does it all have to be running to the exact second anyway?

IamFriedSpam · 10/03/2017 09:47

Like PP have said it seems OTT to call you unless she's running late. It really doesn't seem like it should be a giant drama that needs to be planned to the second. Give the kids a snack after school then plan to have dinner at 6pm.

midcenturymodern · 10/03/2017 09:53

I don't understand calling to say you will be on time either. I also don't understand why the dcs couldn't have had a snack after school if they were starving, or why you couldn't meet in the restaurant or why, if the girls needed to get changed they couldn't have taken an outfit to school and got changed at your house.

gandalf456 · 10/03/2017 09:55

I don't see why she couldn't have sent even a quick text. My Dh asks me to do that sometimes. She is being pigheaded - especially after she'd got you running around to different schools. I can't see why she couldn't have asked another parent to do it if the kids' dad wasn't around .

So yanbu. I'd have been annoyed

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