To lock a flatmate out

[MrsCrabbyTree]

I have to go out now and have realised that flatmate has left and doesn't have a key to come back in.

It is daytime where I live and the flatmate is an adult male.

Yes do it. I had a housemate at uni who was constantly losing or forgetting keys. It drove me completely insane having to get up in the night to let her in, or not being able to go out in the day because I knew she didn't hve them. In the end I got tough. I stopped answering the door in the night and went out leaving her locked out. She learnt to always take her keys!

Can you leave the key with a neighbour?

Depends on why he doesn't have a key.

I'm going to go with the law of averages and assume there's not some compelling reason for it, and that he's a man expecting women to bail him out.
So, YANBU

I'm guessing this flatmate is a grown adult with no special needs or concerns about why he couldn't remember a key. Life lesson to him to organise himself better before he goes out - his disorganisation shouldn't preclude you from doing what you need to do.

Go out. Not your problem.

Well, I am home and pleased to see that MN doesn't consider me a bad flatmate. Thanks.

Came across flatmate at the end of our street on his way home. He waved me down, slightly panicked, and I gave him a loan of my key after laughingly calling him a dickhead.

To appease BBCNews' curiousity - does a lack of common sense count as a good reason to find yourself locked out of home? Some days I feel like a cross between a life coach and his mother. (A mother without effing nagging rights ;) )

Here's why you 'feel like a cross between a life coach and his mother': "I gave him a loan of my key after laughingly calling him a dickhead".

So you fixed his problem and brushed it off lightheartedly. No wonder he won't sort himself out.

To appease BBCNews' curiousity...

Thank you, you understand how this works.

If you happen to be in NZ, there's someone with an unopened safe we need you to track down...

Funnily enough, BBC, flatmate is a NZer....can I send him back to you to help out .

Amilia. At least I didn't call him darling rather than dickhead. I love that you think it would have been reasonable to keep driving and not hand over my key. I wish I could do that and not feel like a complete bitch.

The problem isn't that you helped him out when it was almost no inconvenience to you - it's that you made his carelessness out to be no big deal and even funny.

I think most people would think that needing to call a locksmith, or being stuck out of your own place all day until your more responsible flatmate gets home, is actually not a laughing matter, more so if it's part of a broader pattern of behaviour (as implied in your subsequent posts).

But hey - your call how you respond to him, you're the one that has to live with him. My view is that no adult is paying me to be their life coach, and I didn't sign up to be their mother either ;)

You won't be able to get back in now!

Why didn't you go back and let him in?

Does he do it all the time or one off?

If it's a one off no harm done, if it's all the time I'd start going out when he's due home until he takes the hint

Before handing over my key I asked whether or not he was staying home, (I have a spare key hidden for MY USE ONLY - because the reality is that it would not be put back or hidden somewhere different) so that base was covered. Hope this secret is safe between me and a few internet folk.

Even though I laughed when I called him a dickhead, he did get the point. He is an adult, his stupidity did not affect me, therefore I don't feel I had the right to chastise him. If he wasn't home when I returned causing me to be locked out, then that would be entirely a matter and he would be called more names that dickhead, trust me.

Okay, back to asking WWYD. Amilia. I am asking you what you would have done in my position. An honest question. I get quite frustrated with my flatmates (they are a couple) and their cluelessness so am hoping to gain a different perspective on how others would react and hopefully change how I react.

I would have locked the door. What are you supposed to do otherwise - wait around until he deigns to turn up? Probably needs to experience some inconvenience for the message to hit home.

How did you know he didn't have his key?

Floggingmolly. From past experience I made an educated guess... Plus female flatmate left for TAFE late and in a big rush this morning, so I presumed she had taken their only set of keys. Also the front door was left unlocked when flatmate left just before lunchtime which I noticed when I was leaving. So putting all those clues together I felt certain he would not have a key.

You're way too involved . Are you considerably older than this couple, that you've adopted a motherly role in their lives?

Oh god YANBU (although I know you've solved it now). I'm forever letting in one particular housemate. She never texts me unless she's asking if I'm home so I can let her in. I did once ignore the text as I was literally stepping in the shower at the time and I was only ten fifteen minutes so she didn't have to wait that long.

Well for starters, I wouldn't have checked in with mumsnet to ask if I was being unreasonable in carrying on with my day instead of babying a grown adult!

If they only share one set of keys and don't manage it well between themselves, then it's up to them to deal with the consequences, not you. If an $80 locksmith call out is what teaches that lesson, so be it.

If I happened to be leaving just as he was arriving - and I wasn't in a hurry - sure, I would have let him in, though I feel you've earned the right to give him a very pointed look.

Under no circumstances would I have given away my key, regardless of whether I had a spare hidden or not. From what you've described, this isn't a one-off from an otherwise responsible person, so why make their disorganisation or carelessness your problem?

You sound like an empathetic person, in the sense that watching other people make needless mistakes frustrates you. But really, is it the kind of thing that deserves any of your headspace or emotions? Does enhance your life in any way at all? If not, let them get on with it! That's the way we all learn and mature. They've left home and don't need anyone parenting them. Be friendly and a good housemate as always, but no need to act like their parent, guardian or caretaker, or anyone who has to chivvy them along.

Thank you Amilia for your thoughts. I really appreciate you taking the time.

When I realised flatmate didn't have keys I could have sent him a text to say I was about to leave and he wouldn't be able to get into home but I decided to let him suffer the consequences. Then I felt really bad for deliberately being a bitch hence asking AIBU.

Unfortunately or fortunately, flatmate was walking down our street and stopped me, therefore he did not suffer any consequences. But I am sure there will be another time.

I'm sure you'll be better prepared for next time then too. Empathy is a great thing to have, but make sure you're not caring about other people's problems more than they do - and certainly not when it's people who you're not even close to :)

I think that in most situations I wouldn't have known that he didn't have his keys, so of course I would have left the house and gone about my day.

Why on earth don't they have a set of keys each? I wouldn't be impressed to be answering the door to another resident grown up all the time, I nag my teens to use their key rather than assume I can drop whatever I'm doing in my office.

Well apparently flatmate is a slow learner. He has been sulking because he was locked out for 40 minutes. I am baffled as to why he would go out a second time without a key or even checking with me what my plans were. It was a shame that I had to catch up with a friend for coffee.