To think I won't love my baby like people say I will

[Toobloodytired]

Name changed, really don't want to be associated with any posts or threads I've put on.

Really struggling mentally with this pregnancy & although I talk to my baby, I don't feel this rush of love for him.....I don't feel connected.

It's as if I'm carrying him for someone else and as soon as he's here il be passing him over.

I'm 35 weeks, baby was planned, he just came a little earlier than expected....me and ex split.

Don't want to drip feed but don't want to say too much otherwise it'll be too "outing" as others would say.

I now sit here daily feeling absolutely nothing but guilt that I'm not "over the moon" about my baby arriving. I am sick and tired of "so! How far along are you?? Oh I bet you are so excited!!"

A part of me wants to be honest and say "you know what?? No, no I'm not excited in the slightest".

I know some will say "well, you should have kept your legs shut then".

Yes maybe I should have and yes if I could go back, I wouldn't have got pregnant, however I had this baby based on me and the father raising him, I didn't make a contingency plan in case I had to do it alone.

For once in my life, I was positive about this, I didn't think of the negatives, I didn't think of the what ifs & for one in my fucking life! They all happened!

Oh OP I'm 8 weeks and was crying at the weekend and thinking what have I done? I don't feel like that all the time but when I do it's not pleasant at all. I was talking to the couple of friends I told and saying what if I'm a shite mum? They could tell I meant what if I don't love him/her? They made me feel so much better about not having that over the moon, isn't life wonderful feeling. They both knew how that felt.

My friend's SIL had IVF for 6 years and now has twins. My friend told her that, even though you wanted these babies so very, very much, it's normal not to be singing from the rooftops.

There is so much guilt and expectation forced on women during pregnancy.

I'm 19 weeks pregnant and struggling with my pregnancy too - you're really really not alone. I'm still being sick and as I have stress incontinence I piss myself every time I'm sick. I'm shit scared of being a Mum and having to be responsible for a tiny person. I want it to be a girl because baby boy willies freak me out which I know is ridiculous but it's true.

I wanted so badly to get pregnant but it happened incredibly quickly and I miss my old self without the nausea and the bump and not constantly being asked about the baby. I just want someone to talk to me about books or films or what I did at the weekend and not how far along I am, or what are we going to call it or how am I feeling. Every now and again I forget I'm pregnant and I feel like myself for a little bit.

I just didn't think it would be this hard and I never imagined that I would feel so poorly because I hate it.

Pregnancy can be a bloody nightmare even when the rest of your life is going smoothly. I set out to get pregnant like a military campaign, all three times, and every time I hated every second of it, spent the whole time wishing it was over, and, on more than one occasion, I.e. the whole time, wishing I would miscarry or something, just so it would be over. I never felt connected to the baby, just hated and resented the whole experience. It's more common to feel this way than you might think. And fwiw, I really did fall blissfully in love with all three of them. It's so hard with the first, because you just have no idea what's coming. But please try and not beat yourself up too much about the way you feel.

We build it up because having a baby is a choice and sometimes a hard won one, but bits of it ARE shit. Being fat when pg is shit, being woken up every couple of hours by something that is ether hungry or barfing or crying for no reason you can fathom is shit too but there always comes a point that makes it magical. I remember when my dd was about 18 months old and she was struggling to climb over a chair and I helped her and she looked up and said 'love you mummy'. You've hit a lot of the lows early on - you're grieving for the way you thought it would look - give yourself time and don't expect too much of yourself, the happiness will come back

I'm hoping that I will feel like that with my child in time, I'm just scared I won't & constantly look at my baby & regret him, trying to think of ways to get out of it!!

Just to say, don't worry about getting a rush of love. By the end of my pregnancy with DS I was just looking forward to being able to sleep. When he was placed in my arms I didn't get a rush. It took a couple of months until I suddenly realised that I was head over heels in love with him.

What will be will be. You'll find a way.

I didn't think I'd have enough love for baby #3. Everything changed for me when he was born.

You really can't predict it. Wait and deal with what comes OP

Thank you all, you've all been hugely supportive & I appreciate all of your advice even ones from people saying they didn't get the bond they hoped.

I pray I do, I pray I change & become selfless, put my baby first & don't regret anything. I guess at the minute it's difficult to comprehend how il feel!

Annoyingly it's nothing to do with lack of sleep, as I do nothing BUT sleep!

5 weeks isn't long at all but it feels long enough!

You don't ever have to be completely selfless, I'm not sure that's needed (yes, you will have nights where you choose to care for the baby rather than get a normal amount of sleep) but You will still always be important and matter too.

i spent my first, much-wanted, pregnancy planning to hang on by my finger nails till I gave birth, then abandon the baby with its father and leave (destination unknown, but nowhere good).

My situation was nothing like yours, but that misery does sound familiar. Fwiw, I was on strong a-Ds and they only just got me through.

In my case, it all lifted instantly once I gave birth. Actually, once I went into labour, tbh, but once I'd met this odd little stranger, I knew that was it.

It was the same again in subsequent pregnancies. DH says he knew each time I got pregnant before I did a test because I hated him.

Ante-natal depression is as common as post-natal, but less well known. It's also not necessarily a predictor of PND - different hormones precipitate the two things, presumably, so it may all change.

I'm trying to say that while you're in a really difficult position, try not to assume your feelings are going to carry on after the birth as they do now. It's a cliche to say you won't know till you have a child, but it's true. Not that every parent experiences the same thing, but that no one knows what it will be like for you till it happens.
just keep on keeping on for now.

Being pregnant is shit
Being on maternity leave is shit
Baby's 1st smile - worth it.

But they can still be bloody hard work and make the happiest of mothers want to tear their hair out so please don't feel once baby is born that it should all melt away- it may not!
You are not selfish you are an individual with needs and wants which don't go away just because you have a child.

Don't beat yourself up for not being the Facebook poster girl for #soblessed mothers. It's probably all ducking bollocks anyway and they are covered in puke trying to hold it all together like the rest of us.

Don't put too much pressure on yourself and try and stop focusing on the negatives.

I won't offer flowers but palmers cocoa butter, a packet of s and

My dd wasn't planned, I was only 18. Her dad wasn't sure what he wanted and was a bit of a dick if I'm honest .
I spent the best part of my pregnancy, questioning my decision to keep my baby.
I constantly thought about everything I was giving up, delaying uni, travel plans and then felt guilty and selfish for thinking like that.

The day she was born and handed to me, was honestly the best day of my life. I can't even explain it, but it was like she was always meant to be!!
What helped me, was making sure I stayed me!! I still met up with friends, who I'm lucky are wonderful and supportive. I made time to get my hair and nails done and go clothes shopping for my new shape.
Take care of yourself and plan a little treat for after the birth xx

Just going to try and surround myself by positive people, it's amazing how shit 1 person can make you feel (Dsis, is a cunt).

I just want to do well, I want to be a great mum who loves my baby, I want to lose weight & show people I'm not just this fat girl who can't control her eating, I want to study something which I can then go into a job with and provide for my son.

Am I wanting too much??

Both dc very much wanted. Tried for 2+ years before conceiving the first. Never bonded with the bump, didn't experience a rush of love when he was born. But I did fall more and more in love with him every day and by the time of his first birthday felt like I'd known him my whole life.

Fell pregnant after 3 months with dd. Didn't feel ready despite the fact she was planned. Spent first trimester feeling guilty I wasn't elated and wondering what the fuck we'd done as we'd just got our lives back. Again didn't bond with the bump. Had a totally different pregnancy too. No rush of love when she was born. I sit here now, feeding her and looking down at her wondering how the hell I created something so utterly beautiful. Again I find myself falling more and more in love the more we grow together.

Op - many people find it impossible to bond with someone they don't yet know. It's very normal. You've had a really tough time too. Chances are you'll be absolutely fine. Good luck and I hope everything works out well for you. Give yourself a break.