To think I won't love my baby like people say I will

[Toobloodytired]

Name changed, really don't want to be associated with any posts or threads I've put on.

Really struggling mentally with this pregnancy & although I talk to my baby, I don't feel this rush of love for him.....I don't feel connected.

It's as if I'm carrying him for someone else and as soon as he's here il be passing him over.

I'm 35 weeks, baby was planned, he just came a little earlier than expected....me and ex split.

Don't want to drip feed but don't want to say too much otherwise it'll be too "outing" as others would say.

I now sit here daily feeling absolutely nothing but guilt that I'm not "over the moon" about my baby arriving. I am sick and tired of "so! How far along are you?? Oh I bet you are so excited!!"

A part of me wants to be honest and say "you know what?? No, no I'm not excited in the slightest".

I know some will say "well, you should have kept your legs shut then".

Yes maybe I should have and yes if I could go back, I wouldn't have got pregnant, however I had this baby based on me and the father raising him, I didn't make a contingency plan in case I had to do it alone.

For once in my life, I was positive about this, I didn't think of the negatives, I didn't think of the what ifs & for one in my fucking life! They all happened!

Tiredness is a huge thing at your stage! Don't fight it and be great full you can get as much sleep as your body needs! Don't see that as a bad thing!! At 35 weeks no one ever wants to get out of bed, ever, and when they do it's only to sleep on the couch a little more!!

You can can do this I promise! Babies are mainly dull and sleep and eat a lot you can both get used to this new situation together! Don't worry! Enjoy the sleep, do it all the time!

The fact your worrying shows your not as self cantered as you think and you know what's about to come, it's bloody scary, 1st, 2nd 4th time, don't worry about that!!

I am objectively and subjectively in the right place to have a baby (in terms of money, housing, rekationship, support etc). I'm still not excited about having a baby.

It's ok for you to have mixed feelings. You've had a rough time. The fact that you're so worried should reassure you. You aren't callous or disinterested. You're doing your best, that's enough.

Antenatal depression is really quite common and on top of that you have a massive adjustment to make, from happily loved up, looking forward to being a family with your DSs partner, to now having to do it yourself.

Stop. Beating. Yourself. Up.

You are NOT shit.

You are doing the best you can, and you are working hard at it.
Give yourself some credit for this.

Don't give yourself a hard time. It all felt surreal to me and I couldn't ecru all the imagine having a little person. DD is now 14 weeks old and smiling. She laughed for the first time today - with little old me!

Your life at the moment is, factually, all about you. You won't understand until you meet him but your whole perspective shifts. Probably the most helpful thing I can add is that you cannot truly imagine anything happening accurately until it happens. In five very short weeks he will be here and then you'll know exactly how you feel. Just don't be shocked if you get a huge rush of love or if you need some support. There is no 'right' way to be feeling at any point in your life.

Ecru all the - obviously meant "truly" lol

Are you and your ex still in touch? Will he be in your son's life? I say this as a friend of mine was in a similar situation. Surprise pregnancy very quickly, he panicked and behaved like a total arse, leaving her alone. They ended up getting back together - must admit a lot of us wouldn't have had him back though.

Be kind to yourself OP. Don't get hung up on how you are supposed to feel. Tell your midwife how you are feeling and she can keep an eye out for you?

I was slightly bemused by all the women at my ante natal group going on about living their babies. I just thought "But you don't know it yet!"
When dd was born I did get the rush of love immediately.
Might happen Or it might be a slow burn or you might be depressed at just not being where you 'should' have been right now. You are capable of love obviously and you will have someone who really wants you to love them.

I selfishly miss my old life, before I even met my ex.

As a friend said last night "you live with so many regrets".

I do, because as soon as I'm happy & life is going great, someone/something ruins it & I'm back to picking up the pieces.

Me & my ex haven't spoken for months, no contact AT ALL, he won't be in our sons life (his decision not mine) & I certainly wouldn't have him back, because of his actions & words, he sent me into a pretty dark place & I just couldn't forgive that.

I guess I'm bored, lonely, scared....I'm not used to doing much on my own, I've always so pathetically had my hand held.

it's also possible that you're just normal and not in love with someone you don't even know yet

Yes this. I didn't love my DD before she was born. Truth be told I don't think I really loved her until she was several months old (the first few months were so hard, she was a difficult baby and all I thought was WTF have I done to my life). I'm telling you this in case you feel the same way even after your baby is born. You will really love them at some point, you just have to keep going till you get there.

Yes it is going to be tough doing it on your own but OTOH there are posters on MN every day talking about how their DP does sod all with the baby or how they are rowing all the time or how their DP expects sex but they are too tired or how their DP is pressurising them to BF or FF etc etc. At least you won't have those worries. Do you have any family support?

Please be kind to yourself - you are having to completely readjust the image of what you thought family life was going to be. The feelings you're having are really normal and when the baby arrives you may feel that huge rush of love or you may not. Just please be kind to yourself and don't bottle it up- please please speak to someone about how you're feeling a friend, family member or hcp.

With my first I found out she would be born with serious lifelong medical problems and I completely disconnected from the pregnancy but pretended to everyone I was fine. When she was born and whisked off to scbu before being transferred to a bigger hospital I got this sudden overwhelming protective love for her which I wasn't expecting!

With my second I spent most of the pregnancy thinking 'wtf have I done?!' And I would lie in bed at night crying so hard that I couldn't breathe because I thought there was no way I could love this baby as much as my first and guilt that my dd would have to share me. When he was born I didn't get that same rush of love and I panicked. But now that he's a smiley, giggly 5 month old I feel exactly the same about him as I do my dd.

My advice is please give yourself time to adjust and talk to someone about how you're feeling. Do you have support around you?

Even a physically easy pregnancy can be pretty shit. People think it's an amazing, magical time, but most of it you just feel fat and like you can't do all the great stuff you used to do. I think you forget some of the crap when you're not actually pregnant (otherwise you'd never do it again!).

It's totally normal to not be enjoying pregnancy.

Please, do not make yourself feel worse by feeling guilty for not enjoying pregnancy. You feel the way you feel, that's it. Some of your feelings might still be there after you give birth, and that's why you need a support network, but some of this might just lift. I had crippling anxiety during my first pregnancy, vanished the moment I gave birth. Didn't have it at all during my second pregnancy, but was really low until my son was five months old.

If you can, surround yourself with people who love and support you, go easy on yourself, and take care of yourself.

I didn't love my first dc until well after 6 months. I was very maternal and protective of them but I didn't gush with love. I had to get to know them and build love just like with any other person you'd fall in love with. Don't beat yourself up over it. You've had a lot going on and it's no wonder you're not feeling all chirpy and positive about your baby. I get so sick of people talking about my pregnancy and only the pregnancy and asking about the baby as if I should know how it's feeling. I'm only 6 months pregnant ffs! I don't like pregnancy. I don't like what it does to my mind or my body or my autonomy. I remember this with my first too. It was as if I wasn't me anymore just someone's mum to be. Screw them all! Do things your way. Feel how you feel without guilt or regret. You'll find your place as a parent when you really have to but for now just enjoy being the wonderful being that is you!

The late stages of pregnancy can be quite a no man's land. There isn't a real, baby yet, but it's already dominating your life, in your case by your energy levels.

You're grieving your change of circumstances. It's natural that that is impacting your ability to bond with someone you've never met yet. Would you fall in love with someone prior to your first date? Even the first rush of love that is frequently felt when you first hold your baby is not the finished article. I haven't had issues bonding, but it takes time for their personalities to develop and love them as a person rather than an immediate instinctive form of love. And that immediate reaction is not guaranteed either.

It sounds like your HCPs are on side which is a good start. What's your network of family and friends like? Have you met other people due around the same time as you? These friendships can be useful for moral support through the early months.

OP, it's totally fine not to enjoy pregnancy, especially with all the stress you have going on. Your post about thinking about all the things you can do again once you're not pregnant is how I felt too, I was looking forward to being able to lie on my front, go for a drink, get in a jacuzzi at a spa, not have everyone telling me what I should or shouldn't eat, wear my wedding ring again, wear shoes because they were nice not because they were the only thing that fit my swollen feet.

When my baby arrived I couldn't give a shit about any of that stuff for a while. I just loved him so so so much. Not everyone has that major connection during pregnancy, sometimes you need to see the baby to actually believe it's happening and then you may feel completely differently.

If you still struggle post birth please ask for support as there is loads available and so many other people will have been through it. But don't worry yet!

I think what gets me the most is that as soon as people find out I'm pregnant, they don't care about me as such.

They just want to talk about the pregnancy, the baby, when he's due. Selfishly, I cannot be bothered to talk about it anymore.

It's like a wedding, people expect you to be able to do very easily smile the whole way through the day without an issue (it's bloody hard! You are happy yes but Christ no one can smile that much).

I guess I'm also not looking forward to the whole, oh! You've had him, let's have a look at him, oh he's gorgeous type of crap. I'm just not a "fuss" kind of person.

I'm dreading the texts to ask if there's any sign of him yet.

Il be honest, I was one of these people who so stupidly & naively thought pregnancy was like 280 wedding days, every day was magical

There isn't one day I can honestly say I've enjoyed.

I'm fat, I'm lonely, ugly, hairy, have horrible stretch marks & generally depressed.

I've a huge family network.

I've 2 best friends who I love dearly, my mum, step dad, 3 young brothers, 1 older brother & sister (not currently talking at the minute).

I've extended family too, yet immaturely when I go to see family or friends and they talk about their plans with their bfs/husbands I get a little jealous that again, in my life I have no one to share this all with.

I agree, it is somewhat easier alone as I don't have to battle with my ex about how to raise our son, I guess I just miss coming home to someone, someone to cuddle me when I get upset and tell me everything will be okay

OP I think you've summed up pregnancy there with bored, lonely and scared. I certainly felt like that some of the time. I still do now she's here! X

But then she smiles at me and I become invincible

What goes so heavily in your favour is that you are aware of all these feelings and are good at articulating them - I hope you are just as open and honest in RL?

IME and IMO there is no bigger life change than becoming a parent and adjusting to that can be huge and fraught and scary.

Have a right good moan, here, with your MH team, with trusted RL friends or family - and then carry on
That is what therapeutic moaning is, and I am a big fan of it.

You ARE pregnant.
Chances are you WILL have a baby and be a mother.
Your baby's father HAS buggered off.

You don't have to like or enjoy any of those fact, but you do have to accept them and move forward.

And yes, people can be bloody annoying about pregnancy and new babies... Think of some choice phrases to send people scuttling away if you don't want contact: "Don't touch my bump", "I am not ready to have visitors", 'No, tomorrow does not suit". Equally practice "Oh, thank you for your offer of help. Could you hang the washing up? make me a cup of tea? bring a lasagne?" etc.

You need to grieve for your old life, but also embrace the new one, because it is what it is. And it can be the most amazing thing you've ever done or ever will do, but also the most difficult.
I know it was/is for me, and I had my babies late in life and with a partner by my side.

I could have written this post.

I don't want my baby. I feel responsible for him, I will do my best for him and ensure his care, but with the benefit of hindsight (from here, 7 months further down the road with his dad) I wish he had never happened and I bitterly regret him.

And I did the same thing! Back in August I thought "ah, don't worry about all the what ifs for once... just be positive!", what a fool I was.

I'm seeing peri natal mental health because it's taken me to some pretty terrible places... I don't feel better but I am probably not going to kill myself this evening so that's something I have to remind myself.... if I had aborted the baby.. I would probably be depressed about that now instead... it's lose lose

I'm absolutely not expecting this miraculous love to just appear, but perhaps in time.

It's tough though, when every single person wants you to tell them how excited you are. On a bad day I say "do you want it?".

And the fact that it's a boy makes me want it even less !

I felt like that with DS, ex was so angry i hadn’t aborted him and pretty vile. I spent the whole pregnancy trying not to lose it. Trying to care. I was sure i wouldn't live him.
Once he was in the room it was fine, like a new start.

And my god I miss my old life. I drove past my little flat in the city the other day and thought 'oh how simple it was 😢'

If it's any consolation/the flip side of your situation... my bf and I are still together and I wish he would bugger off and want nothing to do with us. As it stands I have to decide between a relationship with somebody I bloody despise and have no respect for because of his bullshit values in order to be at least a goodish influence on him and his behaviours, and to have a roof over my head, or to split up and be torn to pieces by arguments over custody and money of which I have none and he has lots. Although Tbqh I would happily accept no money if it meant I never had to see him again, having to hand the baby over to him when he is drinking ..... never. Don't fancy gong to court about it though.

And the fact that it's a boy makes me want it even less !
I was horrified! Horrified i had a penis in me tbh. Now i feel a bit sad about these lovely baby boys and wonder how so many can grow into horrible men and how to save my little boy from going the same way.
It's actually made me see men as less of a homogenous scary group.

I agree with you on that, the whole lose lose, my mum sat me down after all of this started when I cried and said I didn't want my baby and said right "you've 2 choices, you either suck it up, have this baby and accept you're currently doing it alone or! You have an abortion and pretend none of this happened and wait until you find someone else who may or may not stick around!".

I knew then, that I couldn't just have an abortion because my ex now didn't want us, as my mum said, you might do this, regret it for the rest of your life and then meet someone new who fucks off as well!

When he kicks I feel nothing but guilt, the fact that he's in there so sweet and innocent, will look to me for absolutely everything and I'm here crying because I don't want my life to change!

Abortion in early early pregnancy is horrible and cruel, however there was no way I was going to do it at 20 weeks!! He was a baby then and is now! He's a baby who was planned, was wanted! Who the fuck am I say to say "nope, don't want him now my ex doesn't want me".

I lost a lot of respect the day my friend did the same, I hated her, we argued all the time, told her she was cruel....now I understand!

It may take me time to fully accept my situation, to be happy with it, to say I'm
Over the moon however if there's anything I know il regret for life is knowing I considered an abortion.

He's a human, he's a baby, a person, my person! And all
I'm doing is treating him like an inconvenience!

My x was an inconvenience, he was a waste of space and still is, I could of got rid as and when I wanted because he wasn't ever "mine".

I created this baby becauSe I wanted him, I was so upset the month before because I came
On my period (tmi apologies)

The month later, omg seeing that test say pregnant, was the best day of my life, I went to bed the happiest person in the world, I actually had a smile on my face!

That's why I can't understand how I feel now! It's like being given a million pounds and then crying about your old sad pathetic life!

If I didn't get pregnant by my ex and he left me, where would I be??
In the back of a car with another random guy probably for the 3-4th time this week, hoping one would take a shine to me and want me in their lives! I was weak, desperate, no self esteem, no confidence (all faked).

I had a job, paying my debts off, saving to buy a house, sorting my life out as such but it was all for what I've got now & that was a baby, he simply came 5 years earlier than I'd planned & without his father around but he's still what I wanted!

Argh!! I just want to punch myself in the face and tell myself to be happy!!

Its ok not to be happy. Please believe me and stop beating yourself up about this. This whole "pregnancy is glorious and you'll adore your bump" is bullshit. It's ok not to feel that way