Am I going mad or is this controlling?

[BabbleLands]

Brief facts
I work pt. I pay a set amount into joint account as 'D'H controls all the finances as he says I'm useless with money. So basically after paying in this set amount I have £X to buy groceries and for anything else I might want.

I recently arranged to see a personal trainer to pass a job related fitness test I'm struggling with. This costs £25 per half hour and the trainer has been v reasonable as I'm on a tight budget and says I can see him once a fortnight to check in with progress and follow a training plan he has set out in between.

This morning DH has found about it and basically gone ballistic to the point of me and DS being in tears, shouting and bawling at me that I'm wasting money, were skint, that he could do it for nothing (train me) etc etc.
He them accused ME of upsetting DS and said DS would never choose to live with me. We have had problems before and I have said I wanted to leave. Right now I feel scared, vulnerable, stupid and deflated.

I feel the trainer knows what he's doing and £50 per month is not unreasonable as an amount to spend on myself, as I'll still be able to buy food etc. And although 'd'h claims we are skint incidentally, there mysteriously always seems to be enough money for his alcohol (which he buys).

Aibu? Am I mad?

Get to the bank. Ask them to print off statements from the joint account. You can see what the bills are yourself from that and adjust what you pay in, taking into account the fact that you do the food shop.

My ExH bullied me into cancelling my £30pm gym membership as 'we' couldn't afford it. 'We' could afford £6 a day of cigarettes (double that on a weekend). He's financially abusing you.

Separate your finances. He's very controlling.
It sounds like you are better with money than him anyway! Why is he telling you you're no good with money? Is he gaslighting you?

fairweathercyclist, they are a married couple! They should have equal access to money

I don't disagree although if the OP does have a history of being unwise with money, then there is some point to keeping money ringfenced for bills to make sure that the household is not in debt. If the OP has her own pot of money after bills, no overdraft and no credit card, there is a limit to the trouble that you can get yourself into. That assumes that the OP is as bad with money as her partner thinks she is.

Both my DH and I have a very similar attitude to money but I can imagine I'd be tearing my hair out if he was very profligate and might suggest a similar sort of set-up. However, it has to be based on earnings and what you've got after the bills have been paid is up to you. He collects things, he spends money on those. I like running and spend money on races and running kit. That's fine, because we make sure we pay into the household account first. So what's left is for us to fritter or save as we choose.

I know people don't like the idea of joint and separate accounts but that's not the aspect that is bad about this story. What I don't like is someone telling someone else how to spend their money after they've paid their contribution to the family pot - and also expecting them to pay for the whole food shop for the family. Quite apart from the nasty comments about the OP's son.

I have a PT but she's female so DH won't moan. I wonder if he would moan if she was male? Maybe. That said, my son is usually here when she comes round so there'd be no scope for any shagging...

He is being financially controlling.
He is being emotionally abusive if he is making you and your DS cry because you spent a bit of your own money on yourself to help you in your job.

Agree with others -
Why are you paying for groceries out of your own money and not the joint account?
Why do you not have access to the joint account?
He is using the fact that he paid your overdraft years ago as a way to financially control you and make you feel guilty all the time- is he going to do this for the rest of your married life?
If you were to leave him, he would have to provide support for your DS so you would have more than your salary.

My DH and I pay a proportion of our wages into the joint account. He earns more as I'm part time due to the DC. In the past I paid for the deposits for our house and previous house as I had a previous property, he didn't. This doesn't make any difference, it all goes into the one pot.
All the bills, groceries, kids clothes, treats, meals out, petrol etc comes out the joint account. If I was paying for things for myself like exercise classes, clothes for myself, would pay for that myself.

I cant believe he "allowed " you to keep your own money. I also would be thoroughly assessing the joint account and getting a card.
Good luck

Dear God,
My mom's best friend lived her entire life like this; used to come to our home to borrow some soap powder because hers was locked in a cupboard and every Monday morning she was kindly given the exact amount calculated that she needed for the week.
She lived a life of penury and drudgery married to an arsehole so mean and controlling he'd give her the vegetables he'd grown in the garden and then deduct their value from her allowance....
That was fifty years ago.... please, please don't put up with this shit a moment longer.

Can't believe how fifty years later women still have to endure this crap.

When we first got together, DH had his own property and savings, I had debts. Debts I was paying off but I still had them. The impression was always that I was bad with money whereas DH more sensible.

It took me a few years to realise that DH was a complete feckless twat with finances. He not only had savings but massive debts that equalled mine. He hadn't thought of paying these back, but wanted to ensure there was money for a rainy day. DH sorted himself out, still took control of the finances and very nearly got us both into a ton of debt a few years later

I control the finances now, because although I cocked up when I was younger I actually get the point of budgetting/living within our means/etc whereas DH still has no clue when left on his own. All our money except personal spends are in a joint account which he has full access to and oversight on though. He can spend his spends on what he likes, just as I can with mine.

Get proper advice about the help you can get. Stash what money you can.
Get your ducks in a row.
run for the hills and don't look back.

YANBU. You are not mad. He's totally out of order, in a major way.

Get to the CAB and/or a solicitor.

Also have a look at www.entitledto.co.uk

He is abusive. For your sake and for the sake of your ds I think you know what you need to do

My dad treated my mum like this I remember all the cruel things he used to say to her and it still upsets me now and dare I say has had a detrimental effect on my relationships (I'm 30 now). I'm not trying to upset or worry you, but you need to get out of this relationship as it will effect you son.