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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I going mad or is this controlling?

60 replies

BabbleLands · 08/03/2017 08:37

Brief facts
I work pt. I pay a set amount into joint account as 'D'H controls all the finances as he says I'm useless with money. So basically after paying in this set amount I have £X to buy groceries and for anything else I might want.

I recently arranged to see a personal trainer to pass a job related fitness test I'm struggling with. This costs £25 per half hour and the trainer has been v reasonable as I'm on a tight budget and says I can see him once a fortnight to check in with progress and follow a training plan he has set out in between.

This morning DH has found about it and basically gone ballistic to the point of me and DS being in tears, shouting and bawling at me that I'm wasting money, were skint, that he could do it for nothing (train me) etc etc.
He them accused ME of upsetting DS and said DS would never choose to live with me. We have had problems before and I have said I wanted to leave. Right now I feel scared, vulnerable, stupid and deflated.

I feel the trainer knows what he's doing and £50 per month is not unreasonable as an amount to spend on myself, as I'll still be able to buy food etc. And although 'd'h claims we are skint incidentally, there mysteriously always seems to be enough money for his alcohol (which he buys).

Aibu? Am I mad?

OP posts:

NeedsAsockamnesty · 08/03/2017 09:16

What do you get out of the relationship?

HappyFlappy · 08/03/2017 09:16

I think all of both your money should go into the joint account, and you each have a personal account for your own little indulgences, and a set sum each month (the same amount each) goes into that.

Then he is restricted in his £300 wood lathes or whatever he buys, and you can pay your personal trainer to rub coconut oil all over your body and lick it off if you want to (or maybe that's just me . . . )

JustWonderingAboutThis · 08/03/2017 09:17

fairweathercyclist, they are a married couple! They should have equal access to money. It sounds as though he drinks more than she's spending on the personal trainer anyway - he clearly feels free to do what he wants with joint funds.

Original poster

BabbleLands · 08/03/2017 09:18

Fairweather, I believe I do pay in about a third. Although I don't know exactly what the total bills are and am reluctant to ask as It always causes a huge argument / shouting on his part.

He just came upstairs and I hoped he would apologise, but he just said 'do you want to go for a run then or not?' (I'm sat on the bed crying,,,, after hiding tablet so he won't see me MNing.... did it look like I wanted to go for a run?!)

OP posts:

Original poster

BabbleLands · 08/03/2017 09:20

What do I get out of it?
when I am 'keeping quiet' so to speak
A house
Someone else to help with chores
Financial support (in I couldn't afford to live where I do on my salary alone)
A car ( I couldn't afford on my salary alone)

OP posts:

Vegansnake · 08/03/2017 09:22

Yes mad for staying...don't put up with his crap

arethereanyleftatall · 08/03/2017 09:23

Whilst he should never have shouted at you like that, that's awful; if you are as a family struggling to make ends meet, I think he's justified to be upset that you are essentially wasting (and a pt is really a waste since you could just go for a run/do YouTube vids etc if you want to get fit) money. However, if he is spending the same amount of money on his own non essential stuff (how much does he spend on alcohol?) then yanbu at all.

Greyponcho · 08/03/2017 09:26

So, to never have a proper conversation about money without it developing into an all blasting argument - that's not normal.
He has double standards on spending and ignores how dreadful he makes you feel. Does he try to portray himself as a hero for 'bailing you out of your overdraft'?

arethereanyleftatall · 08/03/2017 09:27

I'm a slow typer, I missed the £300. Then you've got 6 months pt to make it fair.
Equal disposable income is the general rule.
Do you have dc?

Original poster

BabbleLands · 08/03/2017 09:27

Aretherany- I already run/ follow inline programs but it's something quite specific I need to train for which I'm struggling to attain just training by myself. That's why someone suggested a personal trainer, which I'll admit is a luxury, but I'm not doing it just to attain a model figure or anything... In fact in PT's goals I just crossed out 'lose fat' 'shape up' etc and all that crap other stuff and wrote in my own specific task related goal.

OP posts:

Greyponcho · 08/03/2017 09:28

What do you get out of it?

Why isn't "a loving, supportive relationship" on that list?

CatsBatsEars · 08/03/2017 09:28

Yanbu, you're walking on egg shells around him and won't discuss things with him out of fear of his reaction. You need to consider your next move.

PoisonousSmurf · 08/03/2017 09:29

Does he treat himself? Is he your master? If yes to both, then he is a control freak and next thing you know he will make you quit your job and make you stay inside barefoot and chained to the sink.
I'd leave him!

Original poster

BabbleLands · 08/03/2017 09:30

Grey poncho - oh yes very much,i get reminded often of how much I've 'cost' him.

OP posts:

PoisonousSmurf · 08/03/2017 09:31

And if you don't have DCs think of it as a blessing for now, as this 'man' is not good family material.

Original poster

BabbleLands · 08/03/2017 09:32

We have a primary age DS smurf :(

OP posts:

HashiAsLarry · 08/03/2017 09:33

There's a massive imbalance here. You both have money left over after things go into the joint account, but with yours you have to pay the groceries and answer to him what the rest is spent on but you aren't allowed to question the spending on his spare money.

As you both have money leftover at the end of the month, enough to pay for personal trainers/alcohol/£300 toys then it doesn't seem you really are struggling. Unless he has secret debts.

Toocleverformyowngood · 08/03/2017 09:37

My ex told me that when we moved in together he wanted full control of all the finances, basically I transfer any money I got each month to him & he would make sure everything was paid "because you aren't exactly the best person to deal with it given your history"

I then asked how I'd go about buying things for me and the baby during the month, his words were "you tell me what you need and we will discuss whether you need it or not and then il transfer it".

Gave him the best advice of his life "get fucked buddy!".

It's controlling op, don't stand for it!

Jux · 08/03/2017 09:41

LTB! He sounds awful.

Go into the bank and ask for a statement for your joint account. See how much goes in and out, and where to.

You would 't ne living on your salary alone if you left him/kicked him out. He's have to pay child support at least, and there are probably benefits you could claim. Go to CAB and find out the facts. Call WA and have a chat with them about leaving safely.

Original poster

BabbleLands · 08/03/2017 09:44

Too clever, my 'd'h uttered almost the exact same words!

That was back in the days before I kept ANY of my salary. Following a big bust up a few years ago was when I was 'allowed' to keep some of what I earn, after paying a proportional amount equal to my share of the bills into the joint account. I used to lay all my salary and he would allocate me housekeeping money per week. He he earns more than I do.

OP posts:

PamBagnallsGotACollage · 08/03/2017 09:45

YANBU. Your DH is being very unreasonable and controlling. You shouldn't be paying for groceries out of your money alone. Presumably he has more money left over for himself each month that he just has to himself.

I work part time too, my DH works full time; we pool all our money together in the joint account and transfer a set amount for personal spending into our own accounts (the same amount each) every month. Bills, food, any other household spending comes from the joint account and if there is any left over we put it in joint savings. We did things a bit differently before we had children but we're a family now.

Your set up is incredibly unfair to you. If your DH continues to be unreasonable I would think leaving is a good option.

IAdoreEfteling · 08/03/2017 09:45

Op do you want to leave him?

If not then you need to reorganise your money.

Re do the whole thing as its clearly not working. If he wont agree to that then think about leaving.

Ie, now your both joint account your linked credit wise, if one or the other gets bad mark you will both be affected.

You need to total clarity and transparency on money, You could also break down ALL costs every month and see exactly what money is left over - then divide that right down - food per week, expenses, per week adn so on, then you will see exactly what is left for the PT and his odd buys.

HerOtherHalf · 08/03/2017 09:45

What do I get out of it?
when I am 'keeping quiet' so to speak
A house
Someone else to help with chores
Financial support (in I couldn't afford to live where I do on my salary alone)
A car ( I couldn't afford on my salary alone)

You could get all that plus love, respect and happiness with someone else.

It's hard to say how unreasonable your spend on the PT is without knowing the full state of your finances but if you can't be free to spend £50 a month as you choose then either the family is in financial difficulty or you are being financially abused. Shouting at you and berating you is not an adult way to settle a disagreement - it's abusive bullying.

Out of interest, is the PT issue just about the money or is it possible your DH is one of those sad, insecure men that might get bent out of shape at the thought of "his" woman in the company of another (fit) male?

Miserylovescompany2 · 08/03/2017 09:46

What a nasty, manipulative and controlling cunt. Get rid.

No. You certainly are NOT being unreasonable.

Truth is, you'd probably be better off financially if your left him. Please look into what benefits you would be entitled to and how much maintanance he'd have to pay. Maybe give your local CAB a visit.

IAdoreEfteling · 08/03/2017 09:47

Dh and I have joint account, all money goes into that and every month we take out what we need for the month broken down week by week. We know exactly what we have for spends, we know exactly whats there for extras. there is no nasty surprises and no arguing and no controlling. We both want money to do nice things so we both work towards this aim

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