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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn't pandering unnecessarily to my DC??

83 replies

JoandMax · 07/03/2017 13:31

Background - we moved to a new country nearly 8 weeks ago. Moved into our house 4.5 weeks ago, pretty much unpacked but a few bits and pieces to buy/do still.

The garden is a mix of paved and grassed areas and a good size for the area we live in (gardens are generally small).

My parents Skyped and wanted to see the house so showed them and the garden and they asked about outside furniture. I said we are planning on it but so far just been getting house sorted and kids settled in a new school etc. Then I mentioned we will probably get the garden changed anyway as at the moment the main paved area for tables/chairs is smack bang in the middle which doesn't really suit us. DC are 6 and 8 and love football, running around, making obstacle courses so use the garden far more than us! I explained a table right in the middle would be a pain so we'd more than likely grass the current area over and make a bit at the edge/side for a table.

I then get told I'm pandering to the DC and making everything revolve around them, why should the garden suit them when it would 'look better' the way it currently is. They are big gardening fans but I'm not. As long as it's neat and tidy and space to play that's all I'm bothered by!!

They're coming to visit in a few weeks and I know it will be brought up again. I'm NU am I?? And how best to put a short sharp stop to the inevitable comments?!!!

OP posts:
OooohHorlicks · 07/03/2017 17:07

Arf our entire garden is designed around the DC, climbing walls up levels, slides down levels, trampoline and roller skating area. In between those however planting to make me happy - all green and white. Plus a veggie patch.

To be fair it was actually professionally designed to look nice too. We designed it with target market in mind when we sell but the way I see it the DC and their friends make far more use of it than us so why not. This is also some compensation for the fact that I had to stare at a giant garage where the garden should have been for five.. long... years...

Original poster
JoandMax · 07/03/2017 17:07

Yamadori - we're in the Middle East so shade is always the preference to be honest! The garden doesn't get masses of sun, a little bit first thing. Days of dew or wet grass are few and far between too so mainly just grass playing

OP posts:
Mivery · 07/03/2017 17:09

Putting your children's needs first in regards to something that doesn't even matter to you personally? The audacity.

fernanie · 07/03/2017 17:17

I haven't RTFT so apologies if this has already been said, but moving to a new country can be so unsettling for a child. I think it's lovely to include them in your decisions about the house / garden and make sure they have a space to play etc. I think that will make it much easier for them to settle in - which is important, not some frivolous luxury that you can choose to "pander to" or not!

Yamadori · 07/03/2017 23:40

Ah, right then, I'd put the patio wherever you want it, and you could always lie and say tell your parents you put it there because that corner of the garden gets a little more cool breeze/fresh air.

spooniestudent · 08/03/2017 04:30

Stick a BBQ in the middle and invite them round, see what they say when a stray football sends it flying.

Atenco · 08/03/2017 04:58

Are lawns the things in the Middle East? I live in Mexico and lawns just don't work, as they require too much water.

But I digress. I'm also a child of the fifties and gardens were for playing in when I was young.

Jellybellyqueen · 08/03/2017 05:13

Agree, if you've got children it's a priority for them to use the garden! Your parents aren't even going to be there that often (I assume), so it's none of their business. You can change it as the needs of your family changes. Your parents sound very bossy and intrusive!

MidniteScribbler · 08/03/2017 05:21

It's your yard, do whatever you want.

She'd hate me, I set my yard up based on the needs of my dogs.

Skooba · 08/03/2017 05:43

It's good for DCs to get exercise, its good for them to get outside to let off steam.

There's nothing to discuss.

HRHCocoa · 08/03/2017 06:14

Your parents need to butt out.

Just tell them that you are at a different stage of life to them right now. You have young children who need a safe outdoor space of their own in a place unfamiliar to them.

It's a bit like holidays. When children are young, you adapt what you do on holiday for them.No phase lasts forever and it is important to enjoy the phase you are in.

(Although to be honest I think your parents sound really - I don't know- self absorbed, selfish, cold if they cannot even recognise that it is important to you and your family that this garden is changed the way you want to change it. )

NotYoda · 08/03/2017 06:22

"pandering" is a very loaded word. It would imply that you are bowing to some unreasonable request of your children. It would make me bristle too.

When in fact what you are doing is putting their needs for a space to run around first. Because they are your children and you want their environment to suit you.

Hopefully it does just reflect their own attitudes to gardens, rather than their attitude to children

NotYoda · 08/03/2017 06:28

If they come out with a line about 'pandering' again, ask them if they would prefer you pandered to their opinions about gardens.

F1ipFlopFrus · 08/03/2017 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
JoandMax · 08/03/2017 10:48

Atenco - they attempt to do lawns here but it's a battle to keep them! Our new design will be astroturf - I can imagine how well that will go down with the parents!!!

Thanks for all the responses, feeling much more confident to stand firm

OP posts:
NeverNic · 08/03/2017 21:05

You're making a family garden. End of conversation.

Yogimummy123 · 08/03/2017 21:19

Having a nice space for the kids to play makes life easier for you cos you can see them, they can break less, will whinge less & be occupied in healthy outdoors stuff for longer & without u needing to traipse to a park. Sounds like making your own life easier at least equally as "pandering" to the kids. When they're older you can change it if you wantb& would love parents input then.

yongnian · 08/03/2017 21:34

I know two people who said very sneeringly about some people who'd taken out a garden to put a play area in 'Oh, they've done it for the kids Confused'. As if if that was the worst crime of the fucking century.
This was said about the new owners of their previous home, by two people who both hated gardening and moaned vociferously about said garden. Two people who had had three kids of their own but wouldn't dream of pandering in any way (Middle-class pseudo-intellectual garden-hating, pretty-much-child-hating Dr Spock-ers)
ok its clearly obvious these people were my own parents and this has touched a nerve!!
Fuck 'em OP, your garden area, your rules!!!!

chocolateworshipper · 08/03/2017 21:41

Buy them both a pearl necklace. Wrap them up in pretty paper with a bow, and give them their gifts as soon as they arrive. When they open them and look confused, say it's so they have something to clutch when you show them the plans for the new garden layout ...

Plunkette · 08/03/2017 21:44

As someone who also moved their kids internationally not that long ago I think that you are entitled to do whatever helps your DC settle in their new country.

Your parents are terribly rude. Your garden is nothing to do with them.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 08/03/2017 21:56

So instead of pandering to your children they expect you to pander to their ideas. Maybe the easiest thing to do would be lots of smiling and nodding whilst they visit then do exactly what you want after the've gone.

blowmybarnacles · 08/03/2017 22:16

Having a garden that suits the Dc keeping them out if your hair and entertaining themselves is entirely selfish Grin

Pottedplants · 08/03/2017 22:25

I wonder if that is the real issue. Any chance you moved abroad to make a better life for your children? There might be a little resentment brewing.

mellicauli · 08/03/2017 22:26

If they bring it up again, say you mentioned it to the boys but they said "oh you're just pandering to your parents!"

If it was me, I wouldn't do anything in the garden for a year. I'd look where the sun goes, how the seasons change it, where the sun is at the different times of the day and then decide. Who wants to spend money on a patio you can't use half the year because it's in shade?

Also worth considering that by the time your son is 10 or so he will belt the ball so hard that playing football in a small garden won't be a feasible proposition any more!

Another argument for doing nothing. They'll happily play football over the concrete and the grass for now, I'll bet.

GardenGeek · 08/03/2017 22:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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