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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this isn't pandering unnecessarily to my DC??

83 replies

JoandMax · 07/03/2017 13:31

Background - we moved to a new country nearly 8 weeks ago. Moved into our house 4.5 weeks ago, pretty much unpacked but a few bits and pieces to buy/do still.

The garden is a mix of paved and grassed areas and a good size for the area we live in (gardens are generally small).

My parents Skyped and wanted to see the house so showed them and the garden and they asked about outside furniture. I said we are planning on it but so far just been getting house sorted and kids settled in a new school etc. Then I mentioned we will probably get the garden changed anyway as at the moment the main paved area for tables/chairs is smack bang in the middle which doesn't really suit us. DC are 6 and 8 and love football, running around, making obstacle courses so use the garden far more than us! I explained a table right in the middle would be a pain so we'd more than likely grass the current area over and make a bit at the edge/side for a table.

I then get told I'm pandering to the DC and making everything revolve around them, why should the garden suit them when it would 'look better' the way it currently is. They are big gardening fans but I'm not. As long as it's neat and tidy and space to play that's all I'm bothered by!!

They're coming to visit in a few weeks and I know it will be brought up again. I'm NU am I?? And how best to put a short sharp stop to the inevitable comments?!!!

OP posts:

Stormtreader · 07/03/2017 14:49

"I decided it wasnt healthy to pander to you so we're doing it how WE want it. Tea?"

nonetcurtains · 07/03/2017 14:52

It's an odd setup, the garden is at back of the house but kitchen is at front of the house so to take stuff out you either have to go through hall into lounge/diner and out the doors or through office/playroom which also has doors. The paved bit is in between the 2 doors. We would only ever go through playroom so plan was to have paved bit there and rest for playing/grass space.

I think I need a diagram!

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 07/03/2017 14:58

Give them hard hats and plonk them each a chair in the middle of the football zone!!

AstrantiaMajor · 07/03/2017 15:14

What I would do is give them a great big sketch book and ask them to plan out some ideas for the garden. Listen to plans, send them to garden centres to make lists of plants. Look over them with interest and enthusiasm. When they have gone Put them in the bin. (The plans not the parents)

Original poster

JoandMax · 07/03/2017 15:23

Nonetcurtains - my diagram is far inferior to some on the parking threads but I've done my best!!!

We would move the patio but to the corner on left by playroom

To think this isn't pandering unnecessarily to my DC??

OP posts:

TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 07/03/2017 15:38

The Mystery of the Contentious Patio Area - a saga about modern mumsnetting

SophieLily27 · 07/03/2017 15:40

@Foldedtshirt I agree. This is probably the reason my mum dislikes most of my parenting ways/housekeeping/everything in general as it isn't reflective of her and her ideals and she can't brag about it in a oneupmanship kind of way to other people.

Having a practical garden is ideal for active kids who want to spend time outdoors. You are certainly not pandering. Since your parents are big gardening fans they probably see the potential for landscaping and practicality for kids has probably gone off radar for them now.

JamDonutsRule · 07/03/2017 15:54

YANBU!!!! Not pandering either. I think it's lovely to want to redo the garden so the kids can play football.

Maybe they have a secret agenda??

Original poster

JoandMax · 07/03/2017 15:54

Foldedtshirt - you are totally right!! They are continually talking about friends/neighbours of theirs and their offspring. Very much a keeping up with the Jones' couple!

OP posts:

badg3r · 07/03/2017 15:58

Tell them you won't be pandering to them (GPS) and getting the garden done how they want it when it doesn't suit you ;)

WaegukSaram · 07/03/2017 16:15

Gardens are definitely for kids, designing them as such is a good thing. I can't remember the last time I went and ran around crazily in mine, or played in the wendy house. As long as there's a comfortable place for me to sit out there I don't really mind.

Blossomdeary · 07/03/2017 16:17

Nowt to do with them - tell them to butt out.

We grassed over several gardens when the children were small because it suited family life better.

I cannot believe their cheek!!

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 07/03/2017 16:24

Excellent diagram. Everything is now completely clear!

The patio where it is is just silly when you have kids. My only (practical) query is do the doors have glass in them? Glass and footballs aren't always a happy mix.

IamFriedSpam · 07/03/2017 16:29

I think this is a 50s attitude. My friend had the same from her parents when they moved into a new house.

She gave the biggest room to her youngest DC because it was facing the road and she was the only one who wouldn't be woken by traffic noise, she and her DH had the smallest (still good sized double) room and the eldest DC had the loft conversion room (he liked being on a floor to himself and no one else fancied the low ceilings). Everyone had the room they wanted and all were happy but when the parents heard they were horrified they insisted the parents MUST have the largest room (even though the traffic noise would keep them awake) and eldest DC must have a larger room than the younger one in order to reaffirm their status in the family.

Kiroro · 07/03/2017 16:32

Surely the kids will be out in the garden way more than you are? Also actula use of garden trumps 'looking at it' I think in terms of table in the middle v table at the end.

Kiroro · 07/03/2017 16:33

Also, I love the diagram.

Rachel0Greep · 07/03/2017 16:42

Good diagram, OP.
The garden should of course be whatever is the best for your family, and not what your parents would want!

nannybeach · 07/03/2017 16:45

Just dont answer them at all, its your garden to do with as you think fit.I am retired, desided to do a garden suitable for the dogs, grandkids, who stay quite often, they have a sand pit, crooked wendy house, with ladder up slide down, tree swing, and climbing rope ladder, bikes, and outdoor games, do they play with the huh! They say can we go to the swings, I say you have all that on the garden! H threatens to make the house for chicken!

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 07/03/2017 16:47

Why don't you just dig up the paved area before they arrive and leave everything in a heap so it looks really untidy. When they arrive, as keen gardeners, surely they would want to help you tidy the place up and plant grass instead of the mess .

Original poster

JoandMax · 07/03/2017 16:50

The Devil - they are good old PVC doors so hopefully will be ok. Also they play football horizontally ( goal is right hand side wall$

OP posts:

228agreenend · 07/03/2017 16:52

I thought this was going to be a post about spoilt kids and parents giving in to them. Instead, it's a thread about people doing what every new house owner does. Ie. Modify their house to suit their needs. Absolutely nothing wrong in your plans to alter the garden.

0SometimesIWonder · 07/03/2017 16:54

Please......
This is not a fucking 50s attitude, it's snobbery pure and simple; I grew up in the fifties, the child of the keenest gardener I ever knew.......and he turned the entire back lawn over to us for football, cricket, tennis, table tennis, swings, you name it; and he even built us kids a makeshift swimming pool slap bang in the middle of the flowerbeds.
I am sick to death of reading and hearing of plain old snobbery being labeled "fifties attitude".

honeylulu · 07/03/2017 17:00

I'm definitely not a child-panderer but I think your idea makes perfect sense.

Yamadori · 07/03/2017 17:02

Which parts of the garden get sun? It's nice to have the patio either where it gets sunshine in the mornings, or in the evenings.

Which door will the dc's be more likely to use when going into the garden to play, and will they need the patio area to play on when the grass is damp?

Gatehouse77 · 07/03/2017 17:04

Not pandering at all. I can remember the day my mother asked if I'd finished playing in the garden - I did clarify whether she meant that day or forever! She then turned the garden into somewhere for her (and us).

We grew up with a climbing frame, sandpit and swings. As we got older they either fell apart or we outgrew them and didn't get replaced.

We have done very similar with ours - they only have a short amount of time when a garden is big enough for football, obstacle courses, etc. so make the most of it!

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