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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To sleep train?

100 replies

Eeffy · 07/03/2017 07:01

He's one. Still not sleeping through although he's come close a few times so I know physically he can. I'm tired and back to work full time in a few weeks

He's still bf at night - normally 2 feeds. I could cope with 2 quick feeds but recently he's not setting after 45 mins and we often end up cosleeping just to get some sleep

He's never self settled - rocked or fed to sleep. Cries the minute he goes in cot awake and can really ramp up the hysterics quickly. Won't lie down just stands up and shakes bars

Hate my baby crying and don't know how I feel about sleep training but I feel he's sleeps gone backwards recently and I've not had a solid nights sleep in over a year. Aibu considering it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Eeffy · 08/03/2017 03:13

We've had a strick bedtime routine since he was tiny, makes no difference when he won't go back to sleep at 3am

OP posts:
BunloafAndCrumpets · 08/03/2017 05:30

Eeffy you poor thing. I saw this lady recommended on a different thread yesterday (have not used her myself) - her packages start from £90. ** http://www.childsleepsolutions.co.uk/our-packages/

We are also not rich at all (NHS and other public sector here) but I have been worrying about actually losing my job it was so bad. If nothing else you do works, I would recommend this route if at all possible. A friend I know got a sleep lady in as a bday present. Sorry if it's still not an option but thought I'd mention.

WillowySnicket · 08/03/2017 05:47

I'm all for sleep training. BUT. Manage your expectations about how it might work for YOUR child.

Have you googled escalators and de-escalators? By moxy someone? I found that concept very helpful to explain why, after many 'successful' attempts to sleep train dd1 she STILL wakes up 1-2 times a night (at age4!) while dd2 still at age 1, for every sleep, cries for 1-2 min (quite hysterically) and then sleeps beautifully (obviously wakes when ill) and has done since day 1. But then no amount of sleep training has been able to crack her 4 am starts! Swings and roundabouts I guess.

But in conclusion, massive sympathy for exhaustion.....sending you nerves of steel to get through it. 2-3 days of awfulness (it is pretty brutal), try it and don't feel at ALL guilty and then if it doesn't work, you won't regret not trying it. And if it works you will be SO GRATEFUL

LaurieMarlow · 08/03/2017 06:15

We did controlled crying and it worked in 2 nights. The difference made to all of us was immense, so I would highly encourage you to sleep train in whatever way works for you.

oldbagforlife · 08/03/2017 06:34

It sounds like the nightfeeds aren't really working for either of you anymore and you should stop them if you can. I couldn't be arsed with sleep training as I can't stand crying and I just kept hoping my dd's sleep would get better on it's own! I guess we did nightwean as when I went back to work I was working weekends and dh would go in and settle her so I could sleep, I still bf in the week. Anyway she eventually started waking up less and now at 16m pretty much sleeps through. There are blips, teething, illness, VERY early mornings but it's so much better than it was and I think dh settling her without milk definitely helped that. I was always doubtful that he would be able to do it but it was absolutely fine!

oldbagforlife · 08/03/2017 06:35

Oh and he started putting her to bed without milk too, she'd self settle for him but wouldn't for me, but she does now.

Doyouwantabrew · 08/03/2017 06:41

Oh love if you want to give up BF then do so. You have given him all the protection he needs.

Keep up with the sleep training but you have to be 100% strong and together in it. He will get the message if you are consistent. Flowers

Doyouwantabrew · 08/03/2017 06:46

Sorry missed all the above posts. Blush

You are not alone op my dil is going through just the same and we had our dgs overnight a few times to give them a good nights sleep.

Back in the day as youngest now 17 sleep training just about saved my life I think.

hellooooooomama · 08/03/2017 07:00

I will sleep train as a last resort. First plan though is to move dd into her own room. Second plan is to night wean (note: this is no reason to give up bf! I bf my ds until 2.5 but night weaned him at around 8 months). Hopefully by then she will wake up less often, or even sleep through! (she's 10 months). Was hoping to avoid sleep training as I feel like I don't have the energy this time around, but we did with ds and it worked a treat (cc).

No idea why people spend money on consultants when there is so much advice freely available.

Bakedappleflavour · 08/03/2017 09:58

I think consultants are really useful for when you second guess yourself and need dedicated support

BunloafAndCrumpets · 08/03/2017 12:32

Yup baked. Hellooo, really you have no idea?! It's because the freely available advice doesn't work and people are at their wits end! Honestly it was looking like I'd lose my job I was so tired and unable to function. Having tailored support can make a huge difference.

hellooooooomama · 08/03/2017 18:01

I guess we had enough self confidence then.

I've seen so many different methods on here and on Facebook groups etc, all you need is to follow the instructions (I would have thought).

BunloafAndCrumpets · 08/03/2017 20:59

Yep and you were lucky.

Crumbs1 · 08/03/2017 21:42

You don't need a sleep,consultant you need resolve and determination for about four nights. If you want to sleep train you just have to go for it. Nice gentle bed time routine. Into cot and leave. Do not go back (some do every five minute checks but I found that less effective and harder). They scream, shout, get covered in snot, go bright red but eventually fall asleep in a sweaty heap. It can take a few hours the first night and not much better the second but then improves. By fourth night it's hardly any time at all.
Some think it's unkind but my view changed after first child who was pandered to with a two hour sleep routine that failed every night. We trained others at nine months. They are not damaged by it and are all still able to sleep anywhere, anytime. Our first still struggles with sleep at 24.

GerardNoWay · 08/03/2017 21:48

We 'sleep trained' although that phrase makes it sound a lot more hardcore than it was. DD would not self settle, we had tried everything from white noise to Ewan the Dream Sheep. Nothing.

We established the bed time routine, put DD to bed, she cried, we left her for a minute, went back and reassured her, left her for two minutes, etc. Until she stopped crying.

Worked like a charm. She cried but she didn't make herself sick, nor was she inconsolable. Mostly she was just angry that we weren't rocking her to sleep anymore.

In regards to the night weaning, I think it's a good plan, but we didn't have that so I can offer no advice other than sleep training worked for us and it was no longer here near as traumatic as I expected.

oldbagforlife · 08/03/2017 22:17

Your anecdote sounds hideous crumbs! Hours? Snotty sweaty mess?!

Crumbs1 · 08/03/2017 22:40

Yes it's not nice for two nights but then sleep each and every night. Strikes me it's actually kinder to teach children to get themselves to sleep than to deny them the opportunity by pandering to every squeak. With second we tried the going in and patting them but it just irritated them and made them think they'd continue to get attention. The snotty, sweaty mess was sheer temper because the rules had changed and were being enforced rigorously. Crying isn't always bad for them. Sometimes it's a way of showing frustration that their not getting their own way. Children who sleep properly are nicer to be around, do better at school and have more rested parents.

Original poster
Eeffy · 09/03/2017 08:11

We are starting tomorrow night Wine it will break my heart but I think it's for the best, my sis still cuddles her 8 and 6 year olds to sleep

OP posts:
BunloafAndCrumpets · 09/03/2017 08:35

Good luck eeffy hope you see some really quick good results! Wine

InMemoryOfSleep · 09/03/2017 09:27

Bloody hell Crumbs, after everything I said your about each to their own, I just can't understand how you'd leave your baby to get in such a state - you'd never do it in the day (in assuming) so why is it ok at night?! You have singlehandedly reinforced my decision to never, ever sleep train, if it's anything like you describe!

Having said that, Eeffy I'd be interested to hear how you get on, I hope it's less traumatic than Crumbs's experience!

Number52 · 09/03/2017 16:48

Good luck Eeffy. If you're really upset about trying the standard way, then do try the baby whisperer pick up put down method I mentioned. I found it reassuring that all the crying was done in my arms and he was comforted. x

Thirtyrock39 · 09/03/2017 17:17

Mine didn't take hours to settle but the first nigjtvtook about 90 mins and they do get really upset but I agree with crumbs they're better for it the kids I know that weren't sleep trained are still years later hours to go bed at night and tired and stroppy and so are the parents. The effects of lack of sleep are so much more apparent than the short stress of an hour or so of crying. The second night is soooo much easier I went from co sleeping a one year old to them sleeping through in own cot in three days and I never thought it would work. Loads of affection and attention in the day babies cry when they're very tired

Crumbs1 · 09/03/2017 17:22

How? Because we made the mistake of not doing it with first! Would I fail to respond to a tantrum during day? Absolutely- once old enough to throw a paddy I was ok about letting it blow it's course even if the went red in the face, screamed and got snotty. It was effective and they clearly understood boundaries. I think this odd world where it's suddenly wrong for babies/children/teens to experience anything but smiley platitudes and total happiness at all costs, to not be allowed to understand the range of emotions, to not learn to deal with being cross or unhappy is part of the reason for an increase in perceived mental health problems.

Crumbs1 · 09/03/2017 17:24

And no, the adults they have become aren't emotionally wrecked. They are happy, confident, successful and mostly in positive long term relationships. They don't hate us - they are here a lot and we speak to most of them most days.

oldbagforlife · 09/03/2017 17:26

to not be allowed to understand the range of emotions, to not learn to deal with being cross or unhappy is part of the reason for an increase in perceived mental health problems

Sorry but this is bollocks Grin