To be fed up over my Husband

[samanthajayne17]

So my Husband works 38 hours a week. Today was his day off and he's spent it going for a woman's house doing her wall papering. He's been there since 12 this afternoon and he's still there. He said she's paying him and it's a work mates friend. I am so angry that he spent his day off in another womans house doing her decorating. He's helped another woman out previously as well and he spends the whole day. It's not fair that I'm left with the kids on his day off and he hasn't spent it with us. He said he needs the money and I know he Does need it but all day to paper one wall??? He told me he was on his way an hour ago but I think he so lot said that to shut me up as it only takes 20-30 minutes to get home. I'm so angry and upset

Red flags- a- flapping or am I just a suspicious bitch??

I wonder will you be seeing the money for this? Is it only ever women he does jobs for?

My mother in law papered one of our walls in a couple of hours, and she's not a professional. Something doesn't add up here.

I know he's bull shitting. It took him a full day last time to put two shelves up... I'm really angry and upset

Make sure you ask to see the money when he gets in

Assuming he is home now? I'd defiantly be confronting him about it, and tell him his behaviour is making you suspicious. If he cannot show you the money, or explain why it took so long, when he gets home then I'd be very suspicious. It's not fair at all, to yourself or your children, that he isn't spending at least one of his days off work with the family. Hoping for a positive outcome for you

Ask to see the money.
And why does he need it personally and not the family need it?
I don't follow this whole his money thing on here.

I would definitely be asking for some answers here?
Doesn't quite add up if you ask me.

YANBU to be fed up over your husband. I am very often fed up over my husband.

I wouldn't have an issue with doing odd jobs for men or women- either as a favour or paid. However if he's taking an entire day to put up a couple of shelves then he's obviously full or shit

When he gets back, ask for the cash so you can bank it for him.

Well?

What do you think he's doing then?

So last night he came back and showed me the money he was paid. I asked him why it took him from 12-19:00 to paper someone's wall . He said there was more work that needed doing as he needed to remove a fireplace and then put back on and that he had to put the TV back on the wall after wall papering and he had to put some curtains up that she asked for.
He's probably telling the truth but i don't see how it's fair that I'm left with the kids all the time. I'm a SAHM

He also needs the money to pay his bills he has. I always call it 'his money' because he's working and I'm not. ( it's hard to work due to childcare and him not being able to help with that because of his job.) and I have no family or friends to help. So I can't really call his working money my money. I don't gave access to his wage. I do get some child tax and child Ben which is paid to me though .

If you don't have access to his wage he should still be giving you money for food and your DC.

So if all his earnings are "his money" and you don't have an income apart from a couple of benefits, what do you and DC live on, OP?

He pays the necessaries like rent council tax and the car stuff ( he need a car to get to work) and helps with some food here and there ( little bits we forget to buy in weekly shop) and clothes for kids when needed and the rest of his wage is his and I pay for main weekly food bill all the other bills like gas electric water etc out of child Ben and child tax.

I must admit I struggle with this idea of people claiming money in a relationship. Surely you're both working for the sake of your relationship, him out of the house, you in it. My husband and I transfer £50 a month into our sole accounts for gifts and personal treats, the rest is in a joint account to pay everything else. Why would he not consider his wage as family money? One of you has to look after the children. Would he take the same view if he was at home with the kids?

Your right sunnyjac but i can get through to him. We are trying to limit spending but he's got a out planned on Friday. I told him he should cancel because we need to save money and he said 'oh I'll only spend £20 or less' But it's not the point is it? And I don't believe he will stick to £20 either

Night out *

Yes you should be royally pissed off but you first need to get angry with yourself. You've allowed yourself to be dependent on someone who has a very different view of partnership, even worse, you've subscribed to the 'his money' bullshit which further perpetuates the idea that you are less important.

Everyone has roles to play in a relationship dynamics and yours appears to be 1950's housewife, if this isn't the role you want to play then stop playing it because wringing your hands and looking to the heavens, isn't an effective reaction to him taking the piss.

He behaves this way because he wants to and because he knows there will be very little push back from you.

You wanted to be a stay at home mum, he wants to work, but you get mad when he works? The finances sound awfully worked out but that's because me and my partner do things differently, if it works for you then carry on. Why shouldn't he be allowed a night out using the money he has worked extra for? If you want to go out then plan a date and let him k ow so that he understand he has to watch the kids, no point complaining if you don't go out. If you think you can't afford and he does why not do the grown up thing and actually sit and budget together so you know what money you have and where it is going, then if he sees it written down it might help his understanding, I didn't really understand budgeting etc until I started to write it all down each week, try that and see how it goes. You can't let yourself get into a position like this and then complain.

You've helped create this environment. Could you not work & get some independence?