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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still want to have sex with my DH?

45 replies

PotatoPicker · 06/03/2017 15:55

I’m in my 3rd trimester, first child, and my DH won’t have sex with me.
He is still very affectionate but we’re starting to talk about it being months now instead of weeks!!
He’s made comments that he is worried about it harming the baby which I have explained is ridiculous but he can’t get that thought out of his head.

I’ve been very light hearted when mentioning it to him but it’s really bothering me now. Especially when I know I may not be up for it for a while after the birth and can’t stand the idea of us going that long.

Has anyone had this problem? Any advise?

I know it’s not a massive “AIBU” but posting here for the traffic.

OP posts:
mumonashoestring · 06/03/2017 15:59

Maybe take him along to a midwife appt and ask the question then - not 'DH thinks sex will harm the baby. He's a twit, right?' Grin , just ask whether it's okay to continue having sex and let the midwife explain it all. Sometimes hearing it from a professional makes all the difference.

Pettywoman · 06/03/2017 16:00

Does he honestly think his dick is big enough to enter your uterus?

ElspethFlashman · 06/03/2017 16:02

Tell him he'd need to have a cock like a traffic cone.

In all seriousness though, you can't make him so tbh you're just going to have to accept it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/03/2017 16:04

I had a male friend who felt like this when his wife was pregnant. He knew it was stupid but he just couldn't help the feeling. There were a lot of loving, protective feelings sloshing about but no sexual ones.

At the end of the day, the person who doesn't feel like it trumps the one who does.

thewindisfullofghosts · 06/03/2017 16:07

My DH is the same OP, although he doesn't think sex will harm the baby. It's just the idea of any sort of sex in such close proximity to the baby freaks him out. He know the baby isn't aware of it but it makes him uncomfortable.

It made me feel insecure at first, and I really miss sex, but I would never try to pressure or encourage him to do something he didn't want to. If it doesn't go away once the baby is born though, we will have to find a solution! He's otherwise been incredible and still very affectionate, otherwise it might upset me more.

If your DH is being honest and he really is worried about harming the baby, speaking to the midwife about it is actually a good idea.

PotteringAlong · 06/03/2017 16:08

If you didn't want to have sex and someone advised you DH to go to a midwife appointment with you to try and get her to tell you that you were being ridiculous and to just have sex with him then there would be calls of LTB. For whatever reason he doesn't want to have sex at the moment. And it's a legitimate reason. So you don't get to persuade him / pressurise him or keep mentioning it in a "lighthearted" way that, unless he's a fool, will not be coming across as lighthearted the more you mention it. You leave it be for the moment.

Soubriquet · 06/03/2017 16:10

Not every man is comfortable with doing it. And that's ok.

I know it's frustrating for you but honestly, respect how he is feeling. You can do things yourself if you are feeling that frustrated.

He might come around, he might not.

icanteven · 06/03/2017 16:19

My DH was a bit freaked out by the sheer size of my bump near the end. We had sex throughout pregnancy, but me on top was just altogether too much for him at 8 months, but different positions (that don't highlight the bump) were fine, like spooning.

Pottering makes a very good point about it being unreasonable to push him about it though.

Crunchymum · 06/03/2017 16:25

Google the hook they use to break your waters. Is his dick as long as that? If not then you're golden Grin

ExitStage · 06/03/2017 16:27

I hated the idea of sex when my wife was pregnant. I can't tell you why. I knew it wouldn't hurt the baby or cause any problems. I just found the whole business a real turn off.

Original poster
PotatoPicker · 06/03/2017 16:27

@MrsTerryPratchett You're so right, whoever doesn't want it trumps the one who does.

It's not that I'm hormone crazy and needing sex, it's more of me wanting to still feel like he still wants me that way even though my body has changed so much. And i'm worried about becoming one of those couples who just stops having sex because there are children around now.

@thewindisfullofghosts hopefully it will pass for our DHs!

I guess IABU...

OP posts:
TiredMumToTwo · 06/03/2017 16:29

I think if he doesn't want to, he doesn't want to - end of. It's not like you're never going to have sex again, there is a definite end point to your "problem". If you don't want to have sec after the baby is born then it's his turn to be patient. You'll get back on track eventually when everyone is up for it.

Fireinthegrate · 06/03/2017 16:32

From about 30 weeks sex brought on braxton hicks contractions which were very painful and scary. The midwife advised us against having sex as it could bring on labour.
My daughter was born at 34 weeks (but not after having sex!)

user1487070016 · 06/03/2017 16:40

No help but my husband went off sex in the last trimester - I started going to bed earlier (I was quite tired) and I just masturbated every night :!

scottishdiem · 06/03/2017 16:49

Just as men who are unhappy at no sex during pregnancy are told that they are U so are you.

It is the affection that you need to keep as that will be what keeps you going when you dont want sex after the baby.

Things will settle down afterwards.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 06/03/2017 16:53

Omg you on top at 8 months! ShockGrin

Figgygal · 06/03/2017 16:55

I don't think we did it after 5 months dh went straight off it I was climbing the walls by the end

Nocabbageinmyeye · 06/03/2017 16:58

My dh was the same, the later it got the less sexy I felt so it mattered less to me anyway but I did persuade him to take me over the bannisters when overdue to try get things moving, but I didn't care about being sexy at that stage I was desperate Grin

humourless · 06/03/2017 17:16

Maybe he just doesn't find the whole thing very appealing? And he doesn't want to tell you?
Do remind him the only thing to help baby come at the end, besides time, is semen.

Branleuse · 06/03/2017 17:27

as long as youre still intimate and loving then hopefully it will pass.
With my exh he went off sex when i was pregnant and it never resumed, so I think its wise to make sure you keep up the intimacy, as its never nice to feel rejected, especially when youre feeling vulnerable already

Hassled · 06/03/2017 17:30

Don't panic - lots of men feel like this and I think it's sort of understandable - I mean it's crazy, but at the same time I can see why they worry. It doesn't mean things won't return to normal when you're ready post-birth.

Catsize · 06/03/2017 17:34

I don't understand how people can have sex when pregnant. It just feels like there is a 3rd person there, and a child at that. Feels wrong to me. Maybe it's irrational, but it is how I feel (and my partner too). I said something similar to my mum once and she replied 'men have needs'. Eeeeuuuuughhhhhh!! And Sad

Original poster
PotatoPicker · 06/03/2017 17:34

Some of these replies are making me laugh - thanks for them! Grin

I've tried to offer to just "see to him" but he's not even keen on that anymore!
He is still very affectionate, kissing and cuddling but that's where it stops.

I'll respect him and not make any further comments to him and just see how things go.

OP posts:
ExitStage · 06/03/2017 17:40

Never have I felt so under pressure as when the midwife suggested sex may help the overdue baby move things along! I could almost feel my manhood shrivelling!

I remember asking whether a hot curry would have the same affect...

Flum · 06/03/2017 17:42

Got to be honest, a lot of blokes just don't fancy pregnant women. I remember talking about this in detail with lots of people when we were having our babies. My husband didn't he said it kind of felt like 'my work here is done'! hahah I think it can be a bit off putting for them.