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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still want to have sex with my DH?

45 replies

PotatoPicker · 06/03/2017 15:55

I’m in my 3rd trimester, first child, and my DH won’t have sex with me.
He is still very affectionate but we’re starting to talk about it being months now instead of weeks!!
He’s made comments that he is worried about it harming the baby which I have explained is ridiculous but he can’t get that thought out of his head.

I’ve been very light hearted when mentioning it to him but it’s really bothering me now. Especially when I know I may not be up for it for a while after the birth and can’t stand the idea of us going that long.

Has anyone had this problem? Any advise?

I know it’s not a massive “AIBU” but posting here for the traffic.

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 06/03/2017 17:43

you get really horny in that trimester for some reason
and the men seem to think their penis will bat the babies face!

wank?

MissMooMoo · 06/03/2017 17:46

My DH is the same OP.
I am 30 weeks pregnant and in the last 6 weeks I have had a UTI and thrush (which the midwife recommend DH have treatment for too so he feels guilty now)
The last 2 weeks I have been trying with no success.
He's finally told me he is worried that the infections were caused by sex! Have re assured him that they are not but no luck Blush

Gottagetmoving · 06/03/2017 17:54

When I had my first, my dh wanted sex as much as ever right up to the last week. I went off sex completely in the second trimester.
I would have preferred it if he had gone off it too.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 06/03/2017 17:55

Just from the other perspective, I'm 29 weeks pregnant and we haven't had sex since I found out at 4 weeks. At all. Very difficult for my husband, but I was the same with dc1, I just instantly stop feeling sexual desire. And it's ok, you know? After the baby came last time our sex life resumed brilliantly, it's not forever.

If you're horny, is he not offering to do anything for you? I'm still doing stuff for my husband (when I'm in the mood, I'm not a sex service Hmm) and that really helps with keeping our intimacy going.

rhodes2015 · 06/03/2017 17:55

Op, my DH is the same! I'm only 23weeks but we haven't dtd since we found out I was pregnant back in October. It's not about the baby, he knows he can't hurt her/me but he just doesn't want to, as in no sexual contact, not even me helping him out.
I'm actually not fussed either way, he's still affectionate and loving so I'm ok with that!
I hope we get some sort of sex life back after baby comes though!

eurochick · 06/03/2017 17:55

Just sort yourself out. Wink

icy121 · 06/03/2017 17:58

Have to agree. Amazon do a fantastic range of, er, "rechargeable body massagers". Invest.

SparkleSunshine201 · 06/03/2017 18:44

You said you still want to think that he thinks of you in that way even though you're pregnant. Unfortunately, it's clear that he doesn't so it would be very unkind to make him feel guilty for not fancying you. A lot of men just don't think of pregnant women in that way.

WatchHowISoar · 06/03/2017 19:05

Yanbu to still want sex, I did very badly though went completely off in first and second trimesters.

Dh accidentally squashed my bump once which freaked him out and then really went off it. Masterbation holds the answer. It won't make you feel any less horny or more sexy if you think he's reluctantly performing. Take it from someone who took a long time to conceive!

ShowMeWhatYouGot · 06/03/2017 19:19

My OH worried about this too Hmm

The midwife said as long as he isn't like 20 inches long & uses an insane amount of force which would be needed to open a cervix, it will get nowhere near the baby, he then proceeded to ask me if he was that long.

The male mind/ego baffles me.

Sprink · 06/03/2017 21:17

You said you still want to think that he thinks of you in that way even though you're pregnant. Unfortunately, it's clear that he doesn't so it would be very unkind to make him feel guilty for not fancying you. A lot of men just don't think of pregnant women in that way.

Ah. The Madonna/Whore Complex. Hmm

My advice is to enjoyball the physical affection you can, and to remind your husband that sex doesn't always have to be missionary. It also doesn't have to be penetrative. He has many options available to see to your needs. Flowers

Screwinthetuna · 06/03/2017 21:22

My DH was repulsed by it and terrified of hurting me or the baby in any way. He was constantly aware of the baby being there and said he couldn't think of anything more offputting than attempting to have sex with a pregnant woman. Seems extreme, I know, but I respected how he felt and that was the end of it.

Astoria7974 · 06/03/2017 21:28

Do you do non-penetrative sex? Seems a bit of overkill to do nothing at all

April229 · 06/03/2017 22:20

Me and dp actually rowed about this while I was pregnant- it was awful. No sex for almost A year from about 4 month pregnant. I pretty much felt like we had split up by the time the baby was born.

April229 · 06/03/2017 22:22

And by that no sexual contact of any kind.....nothing.

Original poster
PotatoPicker · 06/03/2017 22:39

Astoria7974 nope, nothing. Which i think I'm finder weirder than anything, pre-pregnancy 30-40% of our sex would be non prenatrive, quite often we would just do one of us, if one wasnt feeling up for a full go. That was a normal thing in our relationship but now he won't even take anything from me, if you know what I mean...!

Oh @April229 how are things now? What were his reasons?

After birth I will be recovering and might not want sex for that reason, not because I'm grossed out by my DH... feels a bit sh*t that they are grossed out by this, especially as my body will never be like it was before so what if he never finds it sexy again??

OP posts:
WatchHowISoar · 07/03/2017 00:09

I doubt it's your body op. To my dh it was the worry of squashing again plus that there was a very real squirming kicking unborn baby which curbed his horniness. It's the baby, not you. It just happens to be inside you right now. Until it's outside and then it's cries have the same effect.

WatchHowISoar · 07/03/2017 00:14

We get used to all those movements. Often I'd tune them out when I was busy. They don't.

April229 · 09/03/2017 20:32

Hi OP, things are better know but it was tough at the time. He was reluctant to talk about it and made me feel a bit weird for wanting too!

He said he wasn't fancing sex, but used loads of porn which was quite chrushing. I think he was put off by thinking about the baby. It was hard so do feel for you. At the time I was anxious about what I would loose from my life after having a baby, and the situation totally made me feel like I was an incubator not a woman. It also felt like we we drifting apart as a couple when I most needed to feel we were in things together. The fact that I will never look like a porn star pre or post baby also didn't help while I was dealing with swolllen cankles!

It's fine now, although our sex life is reduced due to tiredness and because I feel a bit more conscious of my body so it's not quite as carefree as it was. The lovely baby has brought us closer in other ways though, and the baby is a life changer in a wonderful way.

I'm pleased by the responses you had, at the time I posted something similar on momsnet and was talked about horribly.

NormalBloke · 09/03/2017 20:49

Yes it can feel very weird for a man but it's all in the head.
It's nothing personal about you thats for sure.
He's just a bit scared of the unknown. It's not the norm is it and probably alien to him.
It didn't personally bother me that much bit strange at first but once you get going it's ok. He's just well out of his comfort zone.
Just be patient and try not to be offended in any way,

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