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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What would you think of this comment?

55 replies

bookonshelf · 06/03/2017 14:55

My friend and I are shopping, and see an outfit that we both like.
Friend says 'oh I think that will look great, you should get it, it will give you an incentive to lose a few pounds.
Yeah, lose around 5 pounds, what you need is a sickness bug, I know that's what did the trick for me'
All said in jest in a 'nice' way of course. The subject also keeps getting mentioned. Also this is quite a typical comment of said friend.
It's like she's trying to bring it to my attention to make me aware, for my own best interests.

For the record I do need to lose a few pounds, I know it but I never go on about it.

Am I being over sensitive by thinking it's not a very nice thing for a friend to say or should I suck it up as being just simple honesty.

Like I say, this is a rather typical comment from her, so it is the bigger picture that's bothering me not just this incident.

OP posts:

EasterRobin · 06/03/2017 15:54

Does she have issues about her own weight?

She sounds really hard work.

AYankinSpanx · 06/03/2017 15:55

The way your describe your friend OP, is exactly the friend I had to ditch for being a total frenemy. She had a way of showing support by criticising something about me.

I've been much happier without her 'helpful suggestions' and 'support' in my life!

WhistlingBetty · 06/03/2017 15:55

It's not normal I don't give a fig how much my friends weigh and I don't know anyone who does.

FreeNiki · 06/03/2017 15:58

Weirdly ive had it the othet way around.

Women friends dont like it when i lose weight and remark on it and say i looked better when i piled it all on again.

I was still slightly overweight when i lost the weight.

user1483981877 · 06/03/2017 16:00

I have a similar friend, but for her it is generally comments about my hair or clothes rather than weight. She is a control freak/perfectionist and she uses me to make herself feel better. I often feeling suffocated/minimised by her as she talks for about 95% of the time and I get the rest, if she can be bothered to listen. All my stories are turned into experiences of hers. The friendship is ending, slowly, as I have no desire to turn into another one of her 'dramas'. We're just not compatible anymore as I am fed up with being her doormat. Cut yourself free.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 06/03/2017 16:00

Ah, she likes to keep you in your place, which is below her. Naturally she is kind and supportive during the bad times as once again she is stooping to aid you. Does she let you help her during her bad times? Does she even have bad times that you know about?

Her comment annoys me because unless you weigh about 90 lbs, losing five pounds isn't going to do much at all about how a new outfit fits. Initial weight loss always comes off something useless like the face (so you look haggard) or your calves.

Adults (apart from medical professionals) do not comment on other adults' weight. It is rude and I also find her comment patronizing.

If she cuts you off mid-sentence, once she has finished talking say 'As I was saying.....', or 'To finish off my train of thought....'. Don't let her get away with that, it's rude too. If you are feeling equally rude you can do what I did in a meeting, I just went back to the start of my sentence and repeated myself slightly louder. My male colleague continued to talk over me until I was talking at the decibel level normally used during a force 9 gale on a trawler boat. My boss was trying not to laugh, my colleague looked baffled. Not my most professional moment, but my colleague and my boss never talked over me again.

SomethingBorrowed · 06/03/2017 16:03

I remember joking about stomach bugs with friends when talking about losing weight, the idea is that it is one of few situations were you are not really tempted by food, so can loose weight without needing any willpower.

I think people are just too serious.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 06/03/2017 16:04

From your update, I'd say your friend regards herself as superior to you and likes to belittle you.
Quite frankly, she sounds awful! You deserve better.

user1484750550 · 06/03/2017 16:08

Wow what a horrible cow.

TiredMumToTwo · 06/03/2017 16:08

Step away from the "friend", I don't have friends like this. My friends are either nice to me / normal or slowly get fazed out if they make me feel bad - which sounds like the situation here.

amusedbush · 06/03/2017 16:12

She's not a friend, OP, she sounds bloody draining.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 06/03/2017 16:15

SomethingBorrowed I imagine you joke about yourself losing weight, or at least joke so that your friends don't believe you think they could do with losing weight.

What this woman did was just rude and not particularly jokey.

HappyFlappy · 06/03/2017 16:17

3: Fuck off you horrible cow

MamaHanji · 06/03/2017 16:21

Sounds snide and bitchy.

boobah23 · 06/03/2017 16:23

If someone needs to lose weight they're normally more than aware of it themselves. I think it's mean and unnecessary for your friend to say this, I would hate it, and feel as if it's none of her business!

I've been in some controlling friendships, and it's horrible. I really think that the controlling person has lots of issues themselves, and being suffocating towards you in this way makes them feel as if they're in control of something, and it boosts their confidence. But you need to think about you. You need to be able to say what you think and what you want, and you're entitled to not feel small. Can you tell her when she says something like this that upsets you? If not then maybe take a step back from the relationship?

PickledCauliflower · 06/03/2017 16:25

How rude of her - silly as well.

I can put 5lbs on the week running up to my period. My clothes feel tighter around the tummy, but nobody would notice.
Silly of her to comment on 5lbs which is neither here nor there.

Rude of her to be commenting on your weight at all.

Rachel0Greep · 06/03/2017 16:41

I've done this too. Sometimes it has to be done.
OP, I know the type. I had a frenemy like that. I don't have her anymore.

MMM3 · 06/03/2017 18:56

So basically, she has flaws?

"There for you in the bad times" is a pretty big mark in the plus column, imo, and the negatives sound like she's insensitive and/or a little insecure. They definitely don't sound cruel or like evil is lurking just beneath...

But most importantly, do the infractions leave you feeling despondent or just annoyed? Despondent- her flaws are a bad fit for you, best to move on. Annoyed- bitch a little online but keep her around. On balance, she's sounds like a regular, occasionally misstepping, ordinary human being.

RiverdaleJughead · 06/03/2017 19:02

TBH it might be that she's sensitive about her own weight so comments a lot on others in a sort of projecting way. Next time I'd just say ' I don't think I need to lose any weight, you keep mentioning it , do you think I need to?' And if she doesn't retract then she's a bit of a dick ( unless you're dangerously overweight). No one except my sister would dare say anything like that to me because it's risky area with any girl and they're not socially inept x

MMM3 · 06/03/2017 19:06

One more consideration- are you actually 5 pounds overweight, or quite a bit more?

As you can see from the other comments, 5 pounds is a silly little amount, and women gain and lose that amount regularly and sometimes for sport.

If you actually have quite a bit more to lose, maybe she was trying to be lighthearted and encouraging. (As a former fatty myself, I'm guilty of things like this from time to time. I feel like I'm being inspiring or sharing my good health, then on reflection realize I was an ass...)

Mysteriouscurle · 06/03/2017 19:13

It doesnt matter if shes 5lbs or 5 stone overweight. Its still rude

maisiejones · 06/03/2017 19:17

I absolutely hate it when people tell you that you've put weight on. As if you don't know yourself! I've always been tempted to reply 'yeah, and you're fucking ugly. But I can lose the weight'.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 06/03/2017 20:14

I need to lose 10 lbs. Anyone who tells me I need to lose 10 lbs (apart from the doctor who suggested it as a way of reducing my cholesterol) will be getting 'And what the Hell business is it of yours?' as a reply.

Telling someone they should do something about their spots, or their hair is the wrong color, or their saggy arms could do with toning would be considered rude, why is it OK to point out someone is overweight? And don't trot out the 'It's because we care about your health'. Bullshit. If you cared about my health you wouldn't be pushing my blood pressure up with your nonsense.

MMM3 · 06/03/2017 20:36

Whoah, whoah...

I agree it's rude regardless, but in one situation the friend is being petty, and in the other situation the friend is being more of a bumbling ape. IMO, one is much more forgivable than the other. Also, a bumbling ape can be taught- a sit down about how that isn't helpful should end it. Whereas petty comments may be more persistent.

But the big thing is- Is the friend sometimes annoying or sometimes hateful and depressing?

felinewonderful · 06/03/2017 20:41

That's an awful thing to say. She doesn't sound much of a friend to me .

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