To be fairly upset?

[SanitysSake]

So, I had a significant birthday the other week. I have two best friends. We're all far away from each other, but I have always made the effort to send cards or flowers at significant moments. Even travelling down and imparting wrapped gifts particularly for one of the friends and all her children.

Well, my significant birthday rolled around and I got nothing. No card. No flowers. Nothing from either of them. Although they acknowledged my significant birthday on Social Media publicly and one followed this up with a text message. The other sent me a private FB message to let me know her child was ill, enclosing two photos of said child, documenting said illness accompanied with 'Sorry, I didn't get round to posting your card, because my child is sick'..

I was desperately hurt, thinking 'you mean to say that in the whole three days - or even a week leading up to my birthday, no one came to or left your house? (She has numerous grown up children and a husband who could have either a) obtained a card from a gas station or b) posted it). The other friend is dotty as hell, but knows 'social convention'. She has not mentioned anything about the lack of card so its generally 'tumble weed'.

The problem I have, is that my wedding is rapidly approaching. Its a very very small registry office wedding with a meal at a very nice place afterwards where all the food is alacarte and the champagne and drinks included. My only guests are my two best mates and their partners.

This will require them to travel for between 1.5 and 1.75 hours respectively. A stay in a B&B, attend, get fed and watered very well and go home. I have not asked for any wedding gifts - just the pleasure of their attendance.

So why am I now feeling so utterly let down and depressed about it all? To the point, where I'm desperate to say something? Would you say something? I'm thinking 'if you can't be bloody arsed to prioritise me and acknowledge my birthday, why in the hell am I paying over £150 per head for you each to come down and celebrate my marriage?'

I'll be honest, these friendships have always been a little one sided. One, because one friend is dotty and forgetful, but always calls to see how I am when she remembers and the other, because she's always had her children as an excuse for everything she hasn't done or hasn't prioritised. This has left me hurt and let down on more than one occasion.

This, when all taken into account was made worse when she documented that she still had time to leave the house to get a personalised beauty treatment for three hours, without her kids in tow - just 5 days before my birthday - so consequently, the 'excuse' of child sickness is really really getting to me. And now, that the birthday has passed, the general forgetting it and moving on vibe, accompanied with the 'we've booked the hotel and I've been dress shopping' comments are sticking in my throat. I'm hurt and angry and spent the whole of my birthday on and off in tears. (I am fairly pregnant too which hasn't helped)

Is it possible they think because they're coming down for my wedding it in some way exonerates them from acknowledging my significant birthday? Should I be the 'bigger person' and say nothing? Should I just call it as I see it - which is utterly piss poor behaviour which is frankly not good enough?

I know I'm rambling, but just wondered AIBU to feel so hurt and what would you do in this situation?

I feel bad about this thread because I recognize myself as the 'dotty forgetful' friend. (But I'm not actually her, don't worry!) I get caught up with stuff and don't call people or send cards. I've been quite proud of myself that I remember to tell people Happy Birthday on social media! Maybe I should try and make more of an effort...

I'm guessing you will be too distracted with wedding and baby to be worrying about this for long though. You can't change people, and it's unfair to try. Accept it or decide it's a dealbreaker, you don't sound that fond of them so it might help you.

GatoradeMeBitch - That's a brave thing to say and acknowledge. Thank you. I love my dotty friend, but recognition is the first step to making things better. Always good to show those you love you care x

I've never understood the whole card thing. Technically it's someone saying happy birthday to you, does it really matter what medium is used to say those words?

Who decided that it means more if it's written on a piece of cardboard that comes through your letter box then ends up in the bin to hopefully be recycled into something more useful?

I'm not a card or birthday person. I don't expect anyone other than DH and maybe my parents to remember my birthday. I judge friends by how well we get on when we see each other, whether they make the effort to meet up or stay in touch with me, and whether they'd be there for me in a crisis. Not whether they remember a date and post a card, that's a test of organisational skills IMO rather than true friendship.

However if your friends know that birthdays are super important to you and still didn't manage a card then that's a bit poor. I'm crap at remembering birthdays but if a friend said it was important to them to get cards then I'd make a massive diary note and remember. (Just as I send thank you notes to the friend who has told me she thinks they are crucial).

So... have you ever told them how important birthday cards are to you? If not then YABU if so then YANBU.

(If your friends are crap in other ways that's a whole different issue)

I don't care to be honest. Not one little bit. She just showed herself to be the selfish little cow she always was as a teenager which I'd assumed she'd grown out of.

She won't be getting an invite for anything ever again. I'm just glad she lives in Spain now. Though I did take a lot of pleasure in the Brexit vote result knowing she'd be like a headless chicken because she thought it would be her life from now on. She's just there on her jollies working 1 day a week to pay her rent and spends the rest of the time cadging off her boyfriend.

Ever the optimist; I'm thinking maybe they have pushed the boat out financially for your upcoming wedding and that's why no present/card, or will bring you birthday present when they see you. Obviously they can afford a card but they've acknowledged your birthday on social media, which tbh, is what most people do these days.

I'm a bit hit and miss with cards and presents nowadays for various reasons; it doesn't mean I love my friends less.

It's a sad realisation isn't it. I don't feel upset anymore (it's taken a couple of years to get to that point though), I just feel it's a said thing to throw away 30 years of friendship. Oh well, it is what it is!

Definitely try some baby groups once your little one is born. I know they aren't everyone's cup of tea and conversation starters were easy for as my twins were an instant ice breaker (there had to be some benefits in the early stages to make up for the bloody hard work!!). I did, however, find one I liked, stuck to it each week and found that some of the mums also did baby massage and went to that (as it was something I wanted to do as well). I have formed a few fantastic friendships from these groups and call these ladies close friends now. It helps that we all have the babies in common (there's only 3 weeks between all 5 of them) but they are just great ladies. I might have been lucky but I'm sure it's not that unusual to make good friendships this way. Certainly worth a try

If you're anywhere near Gloucestershire then give me a shout!!!

Good luck x

YANBU to be a bit upset.
YABU to be desperately upset, but your hormones could be adding to your feelings - if not, then YABU to get very upset.

You say you don't give to receive, yet you have "expectations of reciprocity", don't you. I have a family member who sounds a bit similar to you - soul of generosity, always doing stuff for people, too much sometimes (she does it because she likes to but doesn't consider how the recipient might feel about it!) - but woe betide a friend or family member if they fail to live up to her expectations, which is to do for her what she does for them. She doesn't have many friends - they come and go as they fail to live up to her standards.

This is unreasonable, IMO. Everyone has their own level of what they do for birthdays etc. You can't expect other people to put themselves out for you the same way you do for them, unless they already do that for everyone else they know and just leave you out - that would be very rude indeed of course and you'd be justifiably upset!

So - do you know, would they have made more effort for each other's birthday than they have for yours? if yes, then YANBU. But if not, then YABU - that's just the way they deal with it, and your expectations are too high.

If from the above you think your expectations might be too high, then you need to manage your expectations - you can't put pressure on your friends to change (the way you can with DHs! ) because that in itself will probably cause damage to your friendship with them. So, if they're important to you, learnt to manage your expectations so that you don't get desperately hurt again.

I do understand the hurt - but I also understand the other side, and in all fairness, a sick child would take over most of your thinking (depending on how sick, but still) so even remembering your birthday was quite impressive!

OP.. yes me and Betty are still in contact :)
I have no idea how Alice had so much control over everyone (she probably still does to this day - I quit that job). She was very friendly with the manager, so maybe it was that? Although I couldn't stand the manager myself either lol. She is an only child, very spoilt. She told me once that her parents still tucked her into bed of a night, she was 26 at the time... think that says it all lol. I told her calmly to leave, as family we're still around. I think if family had left at that point, than I wouldn't have been so polite lol. I had plenty to drink after that though, so the rest of the evening was a blurry success x