To be fairly upset?

[SanitysSake]

So, I had a significant birthday the other week. I have two best friends. We're all far away from each other, but I have always made the effort to send cards or flowers at significant moments. Even travelling down and imparting wrapped gifts particularly for one of the friends and all her children.

Well, my significant birthday rolled around and I got nothing. No card. No flowers. Nothing from either of them. Although they acknowledged my significant birthday on Social Media publicly and one followed this up with a text message. The other sent me a private FB message to let me know her child was ill, enclosing two photos of said child, documenting said illness accompanied with 'Sorry, I didn't get round to posting your card, because my child is sick'..

I was desperately hurt, thinking 'you mean to say that in the whole three days - or even a week leading up to my birthday, no one came to or left your house? (She has numerous grown up children and a husband who could have either a) obtained a card from a gas station or b) posted it). The other friend is dotty as hell, but knows 'social convention'. She has not mentioned anything about the lack of card so its generally 'tumble weed'.

The problem I have, is that my wedding is rapidly approaching. Its a very very small registry office wedding with a meal at a very nice place afterwards where all the food is alacarte and the champagne and drinks included. My only guests are my two best mates and their partners.

This will require them to travel for between 1.5 and 1.75 hours respectively. A stay in a B&B, attend, get fed and watered very well and go home. I have not asked for any wedding gifts - just the pleasure of their attendance.

So why am I now feeling so utterly let down and depressed about it all? To the point, where I'm desperate to say something? Would you say something? I'm thinking 'if you can't be bloody arsed to prioritise me and acknowledge my birthday, why in the hell am I paying over £150 per head for you each to come down and celebrate my marriage?'

I'll be honest, these friendships have always been a little one sided. One, because one friend is dotty and forgetful, but always calls to see how I am when she remembers and the other, because she's always had her children as an excuse for everything she hasn't done or hasn't prioritised. This has left me hurt and let down on more than one occasion.

This, when all taken into account was made worse when she documented that she still had time to leave the house to get a personalised beauty treatment for three hours, without her kids in tow - just 5 days before my birthday - so consequently, the 'excuse' of child sickness is really really getting to me. And now, that the birthday has passed, the general forgetting it and moving on vibe, accompanied with the 'we've booked the hotel and I've been dress shopping' comments are sticking in my throat. I'm hurt and angry and spent the whole of my birthday on and off in tears. (I am fairly pregnant too which hasn't helped)

Is it possible they think because they're coming down for my wedding it in some way exonerates them from acknowledging my significant birthday? Should I be the 'bigger person' and say nothing? Should I just call it as I see it - which is utterly piss poor behaviour which is frankly not good enough?

I know I'm rambling, but just wondered AIBU to feel so hurt and what would you do in this situation?

YANBU. I would be hurt by this too. Also if they are house bound there is always moonpig or funky pigeon available, so there are really no excuses. They even do flowers and gifts to send along with the card. I'd say bite your lip, as you don't want it to affect your wedding day, sadly I know this by experience. If you really feel these friendships are not working for you then don't be afraid to faze them out. You don't have to ice them out completely, but maybe don't put so much of an effect in. If they notice, and care, then maybe they will make more of an effort. I speak to no 'friends' from my childhood, college included, as it was always one sided. I now have one amazing friend, met through being a mummy, and she trumps all previous friendships I had. You shouldn't have to settle for less than you deserve, and if this is how they are making you feel than they are really not worth you time. You'll met a lot of lovely ladies, either during your pregnancy, or when baby is born. Happy belated birthday from me, and good luck with your wedding :) x

Your OH is a diamond, OP! I'd love him for that, too!

YANBU. You know you're not, because this is about how you feel, nothing to do with reasonable or unreasonable. Two of the most important people in your life forgot you on an important day, or remembered you but couldn't be bothered to acknowledge it properly as per the convention you have all followed previously. That is going to cause pain. Whether or not you should raise it is up to you, but happy birthday all the same!

I'm sure he won't be posting a card if you are in active labour!

If you do things for others then you need to acknowledge that they won't necessarily reciprocate. I know that can be hard though.

Telling them that you were hurt is truthful but be prepared for them not to fall over themselves to apologise.

Your posts are quite heavy on emphasising what you have done for them - perhaps it's time to give up on them. If you can't let something like this go then it might be an idea to acknowledge that there are things they do that are a dealbreaker

Otherwise you will be full of resentment.

Your OH is a diamond, OP! I'd love him for that, too!

I'm not certain if I agree. It sounds like he is feeding your resentment actually. But then I am not one who is too much into birthdays myself.

Well i do agree with trifleorbust, that when you have children, adult birthdays tend to get neglected. I do try and make the effort for my closest and oldest friends, but I don't always get a card or anything on mine. One friend (oldest) is incredibly organised and thoughtful and always sends me a present and a card on time, as I do for her, we always have, but two of my other v old friends never do, although I do for them, including special gifts for big birthdays. As pps have said, some people are more into birthdays than others, and some of my friends are much busier than others too, so that does factor in. Sometimes I am late and/or forget a birthday , there are so many through the year, now that they all have children too. I would let it go tbh. I sometimes leave birthdays to the last minute if I'm dithering over a gift, and then a sick child will put a spanner in the works. You could say lightly that you felt a bit forgotten, and see what they both say? But I wouldn't make a big deal of it if everything else in the friendships is fine.

MummaBear14 - you have hit the nail on the proverbial head. Smashed it in fact! This is exactly how I'm feeling. Would be interested to know what happened to you during your wedding day - if you felt like disclosing?

I don't want to lose these friends. They are my only link to the past. I want them to be part of my future. However, I think I have to acknowledge with this new chapter in my life coming, that they just might not be as active a part of it as I hoped they would.

Here's hoping I do make loads of new friends with this forthcoming birth. Scared witless about it, but it's a new chapter I'm trying to embrace!

Dumdedumdedum - yes, the OH has his moments!

user1483981877 - exactly right. And thank you for the birthday wishes!

In fact, thank you all for the kind birthday wishes and good advice! x

We don't do cards between friends any more... Social media has changed that. But it sounds like you need to find some more friends, generally.

Happy birthday :)

It is hurtful, as your best friends they should know when your birthday is, and make more of an effort. Don't bother to invest yourself in their birthdays now, as they are obviously not important to them. Just do to them, as they do to you.

Thinking about this, if these are really good, true friends, then do things like cards and flowers really matter? I have two close friends and none of us make a fuss about those things, but we are very loyal, close friends.

I'm a great believer in it's how people behave day to day that matters, not how they 'perform' on a certain date. It's the old 'My DH is AMAZING 'cos he bought me 12 red roses on Valentine's Day!!' thing. I actually wouldn't give two hoots about Birthday cards, because I don't doubt the friendships.

Do you have a lurking suspicion that you're more invested than they are, and this has highlighted it?

AYankinSpanx - I totally get what you're saying.. but I refer you to something I posted previously.

You're right, some people don't care about birthdays and that's fine. However, THEY do. So if they received tumbleweed in response to their significant birthdays, they would be seriously pissed. Of that I am sure.

OP.. of course not a problem. I had two friends that I worked with, and were invited to the wedding. One of said friends (let's call Alice) had a lot of control over the other friend (let's call Betty), but was always really nice to me. The week before the wedding, Alice was awful to Betty, and Betty found it very hard to stick up for herself. I had enough in the end, and decided to speak to Alice about how unfair she was to Betty etc. Me and Alice didn't speak for the rest of the day, and then seemed to have patched things up and went back to normal. She even started being nice to Betty again. Day of the wedding comes, and Alice isolates all work friends from me - including Betty. Was hugely disappointed, none of them got up to dance with me, and instead sat there was miserable expressions. They all felt very awkward talking to me as Alice would hover. She also created drama by making false comments about me within ear shot, around my family too. All very primary school like if you ask me! I asked Alice to leave the wedding, and she sadly took Betty with her. Me and Alice didn't speak again. I just don't have time for half hearted immature people, so it was best to be rid!
Different situation to you, but I do wish I'd waited until after the wedding to have had that chat with her, as I felt it completely ruined the atmosphere at my wedding reception.

P.s Betty grew balls in the end, and her and Alice no longer speak - yay! X

My birthday's are always shite. I spent my 30th Birthday in the launderette after giving up on hoping my Husband had made any plans whatsoever. I didn't even get a card. I'd saved for months and taken him to Amsterdam for his a few years earlier and he knew I was excited for my birthday. My sister travelled up the country to come visit but then spent the whole weekend parading her new boyfriend around her old friends and didn't even see me the whole time, then left on the morning of my birthday without even a text. My best friend cancelled on dinner & drinks because 'she had a headache', knowing she was the only person going and how my Husband hadn't even arranged anything (my birthday is right after chrstmas and newyear so everyone is always skint and never willing to go out). I drove home fighting back tears and then some hungover idiot crashed in to my car after he jumped a red light, writing it off totally. My other two 'best friends' didn't even send me a text message. I haven't spoken to one of them at all since.

I spent the rest of my 'special day' developing whiplash and severe arm & wrist pain while crying silently on the couch.

I hate my birthday. I refused to even try and celebrate it this year. Next year I'm booking a cottage for me and little boy who will be 8 months old then and hiding away for a few days.

MummaBear14 - that sounds bloody horrendous! What I want to know is why Alice had so much 'control' over everyone?! Was she a manager or something?! As for asking her to leave the wedding - that was Ballsy! Was it all calmly done, or did you lose it? I think if I had someone bad-mouthing me in earshot of my family - I would have lost it.

Glad to hear Betty saw the light in the end though! Are you still in touch? x

Not BU maybe they're a bit short on finances too nobody wants to admit that. It jut changes the tone I would just not send them cards or anything next time and just text them wishing them happy birthday.

Some of my best friends and I don't send each other cards it's just something we don't do but we wouldn't change anything about eachother for the world.

X

You're right, some people don't care about birthdays and that's fine. However, THEY do. So if they received tumbleweed in response to their significant birthdays, they would be seriously pissed. Of that I am sure

This is why I would have to say something. I get some people dont make or expect a fuss etc on birthdays but if your friends do and then dont do the same in return then they are thoughtless or selfish.

So all the posts about not sending friends cards are kind of missing the point as this is what your friends expect.

Wando1986 That sounds horrendous! Are you and the hubby still together?!

As for your friends, did they apologise afterwards?

Crikey, that is the birthday from hell indeed. x

So all the posts about not sending friends cards are kind of missing the point as this is what your friends expect

Well, missing the point, or trying to illuminate something else.

My point is probably that it can't just be about birthday cards. Is the birthday card thing a symptom, rather than a stand-alone issue?

Has the friendship become too one sided over time, and the changes in people's lives, and just gets highlighted with something seemingly innocuous?

OP, you say that you're desperate to keep the friendship going into the future, as they are your link with the past. Does that mean the friendships otherwise are flourishing, balanced and happy?

I can relate to this OP as I have this exact thing with my "best" friend. We have been friends for almost 30 years and were inseparable at school. When she had children I always went round there to visit them and have never missed a birthday or Christmas. Her's are 5 and 3 years older then my twins. She managed to get them a birthday present for their first birthday (albeit at least a month late) and for Christmas but their 2nd birthday bypassed her entirely so 7 years worth of me putting effort into getting them exactly what they wanted - was reciprocated with 1 year from her getting clothes that weren't wrapped, too big and identical (I never dress my girls the same). She constantly cancels on me and I have been much more upset over it all than I should be as I'm sure she just doesn't care like I do
I have already made the decision to ignore her kids' birthdays this year however we both also turn 40 and I know for a fact it won't be acknowledged. I'll get the paltry "happy birthday" on facebook (because it reminds her to do so) but no private message or text, certainly no card. We don't do presents to each other however I had planned to send her a card, flowers and knew what I was going to get her for her birthday. Mine is before hers so I can see what she does and will take my lead from that however I already know what will happen
I have been hanging on to our "best" friendship status for far too long and it's completely one-sided and upsets and frustrates me. it's never going to be any different so this year I decided to just let that tether drift away and treat her the same as my other acquaintance type friends. It's sad but I do feel better for it

With your wedding coming up and them already being invited it is awkward so I think you either need to bite your lip until then and let the friendships drift away afterwards but that might seem a bit odd, or say something similar to what has been suggested above

Just wanted to say that I don't think YABU at all to be hurt by all this - I can totally understand it all.

Yeah, we are. He got spooked when I had the crash. He didn't realise how upset I was about it all as he figured we'd just go out for dinner one night during the week. He tried to make a big effort this year and even a few days after last year's kerfuffle, but I politely declined. He knows for his this week all he will be getting is a card and a takeaway. Never celebrating them in a big way again!

They never apologised, and then got faces on when I ignored their birthdays. They soon stopped though when I asked them where had they been for my 30th, on the moon? The one who I havent spoken to since has told a mutual friend she'll be over in the UK around the time of our baby's christening (he's not even born yet), fishing for an invite to the pretty full-on party, but hasn't even called or text once since I announced. She can run & jump!

When you have a tradition or expectation within a friendship group I agree it is pretty hurtful when your friends break it.

Happy Birthday.

Northend77 This is EXACTLY it. EXACTLY. I don't want to lose them, but from one, particularly if I go radio silence, when reconnection is made will actually say 'well, I didn't hear from you for ages.. ' And I have often said in response; 'communication is a two way street!'. But it apparently isn't. The running is always me. I know this now. Maybe it is time to let that tether drift, too...

As my first little one is coming along, I think its time to take stock of who means the most and who actually gives a fuck.

I am fairly short of friends in this country, having worked overseas for years. I also don't have any family remaining. However, I don't have two heads and am hoping the new baby will provide the opportunity to make some new ones. Hopefully ones that care.

God knows what's going to happen at the wedding. Have already said to the OH i wish we'd just kept it the two of us.... Ugh

Wando1986 'They never apologised, and then got faces on when I ignored their birthdays' - exactly!

I think your friend is living in cloud cuckoo land thinking she might get an invite. If anyone should do the running to reconnect and deliver an apology - it is most definitely her! That's if you even give a toss any more..