To not go on a date with him

[chipauchoc]

Met this guy on OLD, spoken on the phone a few times, first date coming up. He seems really nice, bubbly, chatty, we seem to have a laugh and have chatted effortlessly for ages on the phone. Something however is niggling me and I'm not sure if I ABU.

He split from his partner 5 years ago, a year after the split he moved back to his home town, the other side of Britain leaving 2 DCS aged 3 and 4 with DM an hours flight away. He doesn't see them 'very often' but speaks on facetime regularly. I asked him what made him take this decision and he said he thought things over and decided 'I needed think about me and my life' 'there were no opportunities up there and ultimately me sorting myself out would benefit the DCS eventually' 'my dad did the same with me and I totally understand why'.

Things are amicable with his ex and as far as I can gather he pays maintenance.

I just can't get my head around why a dad would leave his kids and not see them regularly (in the summer he has them for a couple of weeks) and as much as I want to meet him for a date, this is niggling me. Can I Ask WWYD? And AIBU?

For me, that would be a total deal breaker. A very wise older woman at church once said to me "when you're considering a relationship with a man with children, watch carefully how he treats them - he'll treat yours just the same".

Also is he an hours flight or an hours drive away?

If he's an hour's flight away then I would be hesitant - any dad worth his salt would want to see his kids regularly. If he's an hour's drive away and doesn't see them regularly, then that would definitely ring alarm bells. My ex used to (up 'till 6 months ago) live almost an hour's drive from me, yet he had the kids every weekend and he's a complete shit.

Kids were 3 & 4 at time of moving.
An hours flight away not drive so other side of Britain.
He is not in the army, does not work weekends, not an offshore worker. Just a generic 9-5 nothing particularly specialist, I'm sure the same job can be found up and down the country. Nothing stopping him from flying up every other weekend. He just said 'not very often at all'. Even if it was once a month I think he'd have told me so I think that's a poor show. He even said his daughter said the other day 'daddy why can't we see you more?' 😢
I'm not going to mention why to him, as much as it seems like the right thing to do, he's made his decision. What I say won't change things and tbh who am I to be all preachy to him - it's his choice, and his ex can bend his ear if she has a problem with it. Not really my place. So I need a good 'it's not you it's me'. 🤔

All done! He said he was gutted and added a sad face emoji but wasn't abusive - so that's a bonus. (Sad world we live in when it's a bonus a guy doesn't hurl abuse at you for rejecting him)

Nice one.

I honesty think the world would be so much better if fewer women indulged such selfish twattery.

If there was ever a sentence to have me running for the hills it's "I don't see my children much because...".

Good on you op, trust your gut. That would be a dealbreaker in a potential life partner, that I was thinking of starting a family with.

Good for sticking to your principles OP. I also think it's good that you didn't tell him the real reason. Doubtless once the sad emoji wears odd he will be chatting to other women - who h he is perfectly able to do. If he knows what was the deal breaker with you he could change his slant and make out he was father of the year. Rather the next woman make the choice if/if not to date and invest emotionally on the truth rather than stack of lies.

Sad world we live in when it's a bonus a guy doesn't hurl abuse at you for rejecting him

Honestly, I've been happily married for several decades but I'd suggest that an opinion like this may be why you haven't.

I wouldn't have wanted to date him either, i also would have felt uneasy about the situation he purposely put himself in. I think you did the right thing calling it off.

swot are you suggesting that because I have experience of receiving abuse online from men whom I have rejected is why I have not stayed married for decades like you? Really? So it has nothing to do with an abusive husband (for decades!!) or my loss of a partner to cancer?
Familiarise yourself with Bye Felipe or Ashley Judds Ted Talk on the subject, you will soon see its not a phenomenon I have plucked from the air.

Personally I'd have dug more before making a flat "no" decision. You weren't being faced with the decision of whether to marry him, you were faced with the decision of whether to go on a single date. If you regard a successful date as one where you've identified your life partner, and everything else as a failure, then I can understand cancelling the date based on this - but most people would consider a fun time with pleasant company to be a good date even if they decided not to take it further. So what would the harm have been in going along and taking the opportunity to talk more about this subject, perhaps even express that it concerned you? Not hard to have an adult conversation about whether it truly reflects a different set of values or whether there's some reason he hadn't properly explained that's not so bad after all. Ah well, decision made now!

Thanks pants. I'm pleased with my decision to be honest. This was obviously the main thing (because as pp have pointed out it shows a lack of integrity and a very different view of how we each prioritise our DCs in our lives). I generally had a gut feeling it wouldn't have been right with this guy, so I'm glad I made the choice I did and at the point that I did rather than after a date or two.

Swot, take your blinkers off and don't be such a GF.

Thanks missbishi

It's only a date, and meeting face-to-face would permit you to find out much more about him than is possible (I believe) from a few phone calls.