To not go on a date with him

[chipauchoc]

Met this guy on OLD, spoken on the phone a few times, first date coming up. He seems really nice, bubbly, chatty, we seem to have a laugh and have chatted effortlessly for ages on the phone. Something however is niggling me and I'm not sure if I ABU.

He split from his partner 5 years ago, a year after the split he moved back to his home town, the other side of Britain leaving 2 DCS aged 3 and 4 with DM an hours flight away. He doesn't see them 'very often' but speaks on facetime regularly. I asked him what made him take this decision and he said he thought things over and decided 'I needed think about me and my life' 'there were no opportunities up there and ultimately me sorting myself out would benefit the DCS eventually' 'my dad did the same with me and I totally understand why'.

Things are amicable with his ex and as far as I can gather he pays maintenance.

I just can't get my head around why a dad would leave his kids and not see them regularly (in the summer he has them for a couple of weeks) and as much as I want to meet him for a date, this is niggling me. Can I Ask WWYD? And AIBU?

I wouldn't say why, I doubt very much it would change anything, other than the excuse he gives his next potential date for not seeing his kids.

OP, if you're doing OLD you need to get good at giving people the heave ho. It's the most important dating skill. Look at dumping this no-mark as valuable practice.

Ledkr - ditto! So much so I'm wondering if my ex was bigamously married to you and me!

I'd run a mile from someone like this.

To the pp judging single dads - really? I know 5 single dads (inc my brother although he's now married to someone new) NONE of them 'drove mum away' - 2 of the mum's had severe pnd and chose to leave and even upon getting better didn't want to be mums and had no more children, 1 was a drug addict, 1 walked out for another man who didn't want kids and one prioritised her social life over her child's education and stability. It's not just men that can be shitty parents.

You never need a reason not to date someone. You need pretty damn good positive reasons to date them. Dates are not something you ever owe a man, no matter how polite he is, or how many online messages he has sent you, or how much energy he has expended on you.

You should only consider going on a date if you want to.

I wouldn't date them. There are plenty more fish in the sea and this sounds more difficult than it needs to be.

I would say though that:

1. being on good terms with his ex is a big positive.

2. being a jobless loser, not contributing financially to his children's upbringing but being nearer to them is no better than his current situation. In fact, worse.

I had a 'working lunch' and am squinting at the screen after a bottle of wine but there seems something wrong with the maths here.

He split from his partner 5 years ago ... leaving 2 DCS aged 3 and 4 with DM an hours flight away.

Send him a link to a paternity testing company before dumping him.

He doesn't sound like a bad parent in any way

Huh? He barely sees his DC through choice! What kind of a parent does that? A crap one.

OP, I'd run a mile, a man who will put himself before the needs of two such young children is not a man you want to associate with.

You never need a reason not to date someone. You need pretty damn good positive reasons to date them. Dates are not something you ever owe a man, no matter how polite he is, or how many online messages he has sent you, or how much energy he has expended on you. You should only consider going on a date if you want to.

This isn't the patronising birds and bees talk. It's only about a date. A meal or drink and a chat. I'm too old for OLD to be part of my life but I suspect I'd have gone on many, many dates. Not because I owed the other person but I'd want to see them face-to-face before discounting them. I don't think the OP needs a motherly "just because they bought you dinner, doesn't mean that..." chat.

I'm confused, they split up 5 years ago and the kids are 3&4. Also is he an hours flight or an hours drive away?

Let me be very blunt. I'm absolutely shocked anyone can be so blind. The writing is written clearly on the wall and yet you can't see.

". . . split from his partner 5 years ago . . .leaving 2 DCS aged 3 and 4"

Assuming it's their kids, can you not see a problem here? This is just simple maths a 3-year-old can do it.

And what have we got next?

He disappeared to the other side of Britain and dumped the kids with his DM an hours flight away (which could mean many hundreds of miles)?

And how old are the kids again?

Five years on after the split and he still ^''needed think about me and my life'?

That's says it all doesn't it - is always me and my life!

Come on, give me a break . . . ffs!

I think most sensible people would read it as 5 years ago when bloke left the kids were then aged 3 and 4.
It's only a date, op isn't planning to instantly marry the guy or have children.

The only thing in his favour is that he appeared to be honest with you. He did not pretend the wife was evil or make out he sees his kids often. I think you have to pay him the same courtesy and be honest with him about your reason.

I would not date him

I think there is an awful lot of judgement on this post.

It might actually just be an arrangement that works for them. Certainly not all kids get on with the constant switching homes of 50/50 and EOW, yet we've been conditioned to think this is the only "good" way.

ExH remained in contact with his kids for 8 years after the divorce. He was a shit of the highest order. The kids hated heading switching to his home EOW and especially at Christmas. It messed them up for years. Being "active" in their life really isn't the best all and end all.

Do you see evidence of facetiming and of a good example relationship? Does he pick up the phone whatever if they call him. Does he know how they are doing in school? Does he have their last school reports.

Does he financially support his kids? And in proportion to his own lifestyle.

But ultimately I get stuck on this.

He's on good terms with his Ex.

This says much more than anything else to me.

You can't stay on good terms with a shit.

Deal breaker for me. If he saw them eow i might feel differently but the whole "it's for my family" thing is bullshit.

I don't have any advice other than what has already been said but I will tell you this - my ex tells people he pays maintenance for our 3 children and I stop him seeing them because I'm so evil etc etc.
He has never paid a penny, I've never stopped him having contact, I've done my utmost to facilitate it.
He tells people those lies to make himself sound better.

Just because this guy says those things doesn't mean they're true.
Unless his kids are located in the outer hebrides then the moving away for opportunities is massive bull plop.

Listen to your gut.

There is something about this man which does not ring true to you - and it may be more than the information that you are rationalising.

Instinct is an amazing thing - it protects us from danger. Your instincts are warning you now and you'd be foolish to ignore them.

People who need time to think about their lives are thinking only about themselves - his wife may have loved the opportunity to think about her life - but she stayed with their children. He didn't.

He's not trustworthy.

His DM or theirs?

Depends what you are looking for. Sex and fun? Go and enjoy. Anything more than that? Forget it. He'll be finding himself again before long.

I wouldn't date either - needing to think about me in my mind equals don't want to take the full time responsibility. He might have accepted his dad did the same but how did he feel when he was the abandoned child?

Always listen to yourself when you get that "No" feeling!

As for how to dump him -- I definitely would mention why to him (it's a teachable moment...) so something like:

I've been thinking about what you told me about moving away from your children and your reasons for that. I'm afraid it's made me realise that we have different priorities and that we really aren't suited. So it would be a waste of both our time to meet up or keep exchanging messages. Best of luck in the future, etc.

If you'd rather not, you can say something like:

I've really enjoyed talking to you, but I've realised that there just isn't that spark between us. It would be a waste of time for us to meet up or continue exchanging messages. Best of luck in the future, etc.

Be very clear that it is over, keep it brief and resist the impulse to "soften" your message. When you have typed it out, go back through and remove any times that you apologise, minimise or ask for his permission to end things.

Remember that, aside from common politeness, you owe this man nothing, and have only exchanged a few messages on a dating site -- you guys don't really have a "relationship" as such.

After you have sent the message, you don't have to engage further, repeat yourself, or continue to justify your decision. If you want, you can block him.

I'd meet him personally. For all you know he could have been stuck in some awful place with no work and he chose to move to his home town where there are opportunities (that allow him to fund maintenance). Maybe the sensible thing would be for his partner to move closer to where he is with the kids. Shrug. You don't know ...

Dealbreaker. If he can treat his own children as disposable, and secondary to his own interests- then he can absolutely do the same to you.

Parents like this have something missing where the responsible, decent adulty bit of their brain should be IME.

This would put me off, unless he does something very unique then I'd assume there was opportunities closer than an hours flight away. Bottom line he doesn't see his kids because that's what he chose. He did what was best for him, as he said, not what was best for his kids. So no, i couldn't be with someone like that,

I think I'd tell him why.

"I can't wrap my head around why someone would leave their young children and have so little day to day or even week to week involvement with them. Our values and priorities are obviously worlds apart, I'd rather not waste either of our time as this isn't going to work out between us".

If he genuinely moved for much better work opportunities and was providing for the kids well, and face tiing them AND seeing them as much as poss in the holidays and stuff.... well, that is OK for me.

Do we judge off shore workers?. Those in the army? Bankers who have to travel for work?

Many don't see their kids regularly when they ARE in a relationship with the mum.

Off shore workers or army dads mostly don't have the option of flying or driving for an hour to see their kids. They have to be away for weeks or months at a time.

The OP has given no indication that's the case here and indeed has indicated that he could see his children a lot more if he wanted to but he chooses not to.