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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that everything does NOT happen for a sodding reason?

44 replies

GrandDesespoir · 05/03/2017 19:11

IMO: Things happen because they are intentional or unintentional consequences of people's actions; because of a coincidence of related or unrelated events; because of a natural or man-made disaster; because of a simple accident; because of a combination of both an intentional or unintentional event and an accident; because of biology, sheer fluke - etc., etc.

There's no "reason" - as in "higher purpose" - as to why one person gets cancer while another smokes all their life and remains healthy; why one person has unexplained infertility and another gets pregnant the first month of trying; why someone dies in a plane crash, another wins the lottery, another's house burns down; why one person meets their life partner at 18 and another remains single all their life. Even if someone has a sliding-doors-style "near miss" (i.e. not getting on the plane that then crashes), the reason is simply that they missed their flight, or changed their mind, not because it was preordained that they wouldn't be on that flight. Even if you believe in God, surely you can't think that he's looking out for the lucky person who somehow ended up not getting on the flight, and to hell (or heaven, I suppose) with the other 200 unfortunate buggers who did?

Things happen because of a reason, yes, but not for one.

As you can probably tell, I'm not a big fan of the phrase, 'Everything happens for a reason'... Hmm

OP posts:
TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 05/03/2017 19:20

Have you been smoking the wacky baccy?

It's just an idiom. Just a thing people say to placate people when things are shit.

ladyballs · 05/03/2017 19:21

YANBU

Lules · 05/03/2017 19:23

Yes it's just an idiom but it's a really annoying one. It doesn't help the person in any way and is bollocks.

charlestrenet · 05/03/2017 19:23

I don't think everything happens for a reason. But I do think that everything that happens was meant to happen. Because it happened. And that's about as much - or actually more accurately as little - reason as you're likely to get. Ie none.

70ontheinside · 05/03/2017 19:27

YANBU and it's complete bollocks. Although some things do happen for a reason, dear friend: the reason for your baby's health problems is not some woo shite but the fact that you smoked like a chimney throughout your pregnancy.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 05/03/2017 19:27

It doesn't help but it's a 'nice' thing to say instead of ' Yes this is shit. You should be crying, your life is terrible and if I were you I'd be suicidal.'

LoveMyLittleSuperhero · 05/03/2017 19:30

YANBU, this phrase really winds me up. I think it was the worst when my daughter died, the amount of people who felt saying it would make me feel better was ridiculous. No it doesn't help.

I think a "I'm sorry this has happened" or similar is much better.

olddogsnewtricks · 05/03/2017 19:31

If someone says that to me, I always silently think this.

AIBU to think that everything does NOT happen for a sodding reason?
LoveMyLittleSuperhero · 05/03/2017 19:31

A simple "I'm sorry**

AlecTrevelyan006 · 05/03/2017 19:33

YANBU

olddogsnewtricks · 05/03/2017 19:34

Lovemylittlesuperhero - so sorry for the cross post! I definitely wouldn't think it in your case. Flowers People often said it to me when my best friend died too - the reason wasn't fate. It was that some idiot drove into the back of him. Putting it down to fate, or worse "God's will" is really upsetting.

tigermoll · 05/03/2017 19:34

I totally agree - it's not just an unhelpful thing to say to someone, it's downright offensive in some cases. If you are the one who (for example) didn't get on the plane that crashed and that is "the universe looking out for you", what about all the other people who did get on it? Does the universe just not GAF about them?

Ditto people who talk about "staying positive" or "not giving up" through serious illness as a way to affect the outcome. The logical flipside is that anyone who dies just didn't try hard enough, which is obviously massively untrue and offensive.

Birdsbeesandtrees · 05/03/2017 19:34

I fucking hate that phrase. Really really do.

DJBaggySmalls · 05/03/2017 19:35

YANBU, when something bad happens I dont want to hear a trite cliche thats designed to make the giver sound wise and profound. Its for the benefit of the giver. It fobs off those who are suffering with little effort and leaves nice warm fuzzies.

Ididtry · 05/03/2017 19:37

I'm not sure there's an actual reason but I do think, looking back, it's amazing how often things that seemed awful at the time work out for the best.

ollieplimsoles · 05/03/2017 19:43

Yanbu,

My friends are evangelical Christians and firmly believe they are entangled in God's complex 'plan'. They frequently use this phrase to comfort themselves in the sense that ' things may be awful now, but god knows what he is doing...'

I think it can be a useful thing to ponder in very select circumstances, if you take the initiative to actively seek out the 'reasons' things happen- but you can get that from having an optimistic outlook on life. For example- my father left my mother for an ow when we were young. My mum was depressed and angry, but is very optimistic and quickly started looking for the possible positive 'reasons' behind this happening, she came to the conclusion that it happened so she could meet my step dad, who is wonderful and she is very happy with.

But assuming things happen for a reason is also assuming some cosmic force is at work against your will, and personally I don't think that is a helpful thing to insinuate to anybody

EssentialHummus · 05/03/2017 19:50

I think some people can find comfort from this idea. IMO the only thing you can do is make the best of the situation you find yourself in (or "You can only piss with the willy you've got", as I once heard).

olddogsnewtricks · 05/03/2017 19:51

Funny you should say that Ollie - our nextdoor neighbour was an evangelical Christian. Lovely bloke but I admit to a bit of eyerolling when he insisted that him burning the kitchen down by leaving a pan on the stove was all part of God's plan.

Secretsquirrel252 · 05/03/2017 19:54

Jesus thought he needed a new kitchen? He could have just popped a catalogue through the door.

BatSegundo · 05/03/2017 19:54

troll (feel accusatory writing that!) I have actually found it helpful when someone has said "that's really shit" when something shit has happened. It doesn't try to minimise how awful something is and acknowledges the unfairness of it.

Platitudes are generally for the social/emotional comfort of the utterer not the recipient in my experience.

ollieplimsoles · 05/03/2017 19:58

These are also my neighbours odd !

Me and my husband are both atheist and told them so when they asked for the millionth time what faith we are. They joked that it was God's plan that they should move in next to us so they can convert us. Dh then said it was more Satan's plan that they came to live next door, and it would be better for them to pray to god to get them out of here Grin

2 years on and they are still presenting us with un-requested 'evidence' that the earth is under 10,000 years old... Lovely people otherwise.

IonaNE · 05/03/2017 20:02

It depends on whether you believe in God or not.

MargotFenring · 05/03/2017 20:02

YANBU.
I cannot be one of these people that attract it though, as I have had and continue to go through an unbelievable and shitty time and several people have said to me that they would hate to have my life right now. No dressing it up. Just affirmation that it is truly awful.

I do tend to rant about karma also being bollocks so maybe that's it.
If someone dared say it, they would be firmly fixed with the death stare and asked to remove themselves from my presence.

bookworm14 · 05/03/2017 20:07

YANBU - it is infuriating. People said it when I had my miscarriages and I wanted to murder them.

AppleAndBlackberry · 05/03/2017 20:08

It's not a nice thing to say though e.g. if a child has died, it's minimising that person's loss. For what it's worth I'm a Christian and I also hate this. There's a spoken or unspoken implication that this terrible thing happened in order to bring about something good which I just don't believe. Sometimes terrible things happen. God is still good but not everything that happens is good. I often think the people who say this have never had anything really bad happen to them.

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