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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that everything does NOT happen for a sodding reason?

44 replies

GrandDesespoir · 05/03/2017 19:11

IMO: Things happen because they are intentional or unintentional consequences of people's actions; because of a coincidence of related or unrelated events; because of a natural or man-made disaster; because of a simple accident; because of a combination of both an intentional or unintentional event and an accident; because of biology, sheer fluke - etc., etc.

There's no "reason" - as in "higher purpose" - as to why one person gets cancer while another smokes all their life and remains healthy; why one person has unexplained infertility and another gets pregnant the first month of trying; why someone dies in a plane crash, another wins the lottery, another's house burns down; why one person meets their life partner at 18 and another remains single all their life. Even if someone has a sliding-doors-style "near miss" (i.e. not getting on the plane that then crashes), the reason is simply that they missed their flight, or changed their mind, not because it was preordained that they wouldn't be on that flight. Even if you believe in God, surely you can't think that he's looking out for the lucky person who somehow ended up not getting on the flight, and to hell (or heaven, I suppose) with the other 200 unfortunate buggers who did?

Things happen because of a reason, yes, but not for one.

As you can probably tell, I'm not a big fan of the phrase, 'Everything happens for a reason'... Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
GrandDesespoir · 05/03/2017 20:11

Have you been smoking the wacky baccy?

Um... no! Confused

It's just an idiom. Just a thing people say to placate people when things are shit.

But it isn't just an idiom. A lot of people really mean it and believe it.

OP posts:
AlcoholicsUnanimous · 05/03/2017 20:13

AppleAndBlackberry that's exactly it, people who say it are usually quite fortunate and so can't empathise with those who are less lucky.
YANBU OP, it's a rubbish saying. I agree with PP that I've always preferred it when people have just said 'I'm sorry, that's shit.'

MrsFring · 05/03/2017 20:17

YANBU. It's up there with that karma bollocks.

ENormaSnob · 05/03/2017 20:17

Yanbu

I want to hurt people that say this.

Original poster
GrandDesespoir · 05/03/2017 20:18

I'm not sure there's an actual reason but I do think, looking back, it's amazing how often things that seemed awful at the time work out for the best.

But did they just "work out" for the best, or - more likely, imo - did the people these things happened to work jolly hard to resolve / improve / change / cope with / make the best of (delete as applicable) whatever it was?

OP posts:
Wriggler79 · 05/03/2017 20:23

Just can't believe people would say this sort of thing to try to comfort someone whose child has passed away. Absolutely boggled. The only thing I can think is that it's a nervous reaction. Things are not 'meant' to happen; they just do. YANBU at all.

chinam · 05/03/2017 20:24

Another Christian who hates the phrase. I totally agree with Appleandblackberry's post.

Original poster
GrandDesespoir · 05/03/2017 20:26

Also, when people say it relating to something upsetting that relates to you, when they are in the opposite position. I.e. commenting to a friend or relative that there is a reason you don't, and can't, have children (and would very much like to) when they do have children. Or there's a reason that you're single and they're married, when they know how much you would like to meet someone. Surely that's hugely insensitive?! And who do they think gets to decide who wins or loses life's various lotteries? (God, I suppose...)

OP posts:
Original poster
GrandDesespoir · 05/03/2017 20:28

Oops, too much "relating"... Blush

OP posts:
IsabelleSE19 · 05/03/2017 20:30

YANBU

Neverthelessshepersisted · 05/03/2017 20:33

Yanbu.

Milan Kundera wrote rather beautifully about coincidence btw.

allchattedout · 05/03/2017 20:39

Or there's a reason that you're single and they're married, when they know how much you would like to meet someone. Surely that's hugely insensitive?!

I do agree with you. But sometimes I look back on stuff that I thought was bad at the time and realise that in fact it led to better stuff and I am glad it happened. I guess it could mean that e.g. you are single now but next month you could meet someone perfect and when you look back, you would not have minded that you were single before. However, I also agree with you that some people have it MUCH easier than others and it's not the case that everyone will get exactly what they want from life. It's also a shitty thing to say in response to bereavements or serious illnesses etc.

The other thing to remember is that life does not end at 40/45. Those who seem really happy now could be affected by horrible things in the future and they could be the ones envying YOUR life then. Some people do lead a charmed life, but most others have good times and bad times.

myoriginal3 · 05/03/2017 20:40

The aim behind it is to give hope. It's one of the greatest of gifts or something. Faith, Hope and Charity.

Hope is a very powerful feeling? emotion? don't know what to call it

When you have hope, there's well, hope! A life without hope is hell imo.

(I say this as someone who has lived a life where at times I felt there was no hope).

BeIIatrix · 05/03/2017 20:46

It is something people say, that they find comforting.

There is nothing wrong with finding comfort where you can get it.

ActuallyThatsSUPREMECommander · 05/03/2017 20:48

It's always bollocks. For certain limited things like redundancy, breakups or failed interviews it can sometimes be comforting bollocks but in situations of actual death it's horribly misjudged.

ollieplimsoles · 05/03/2017 20:58

There is nothing wrong with finding comfort where you can get it.

I don't agree with this statement- it gives 'mediums' and 'psychics' leverage to peddle their dishonest services. They happily take money from bereaved people and claim to contact a deceased loved one- when challenged by skeptics- they often say 'well at the very least it comforts people'. I'm sorry but in the long run I'm not sure it does.

wonkyegg · 05/03/2017 21:08

YANBU

I hate this, I heard this so many times throughout our 6 years of fertility struggles. I realise that it was supposed to be of some kind of comfort but it was anything but. As if each of my four lost babies died for a reason! A load if bollocks if you ask me.

Neverthelessshepersisted · 06/03/2017 20:14

It is never ok to say it to someone else about their problems.

If you want to say it/feel it about your own that's your right I suppose.

Trb17 · 06/03/2017 20:19

I agree that saying it to people when they are going through things isn't helpful and can make them feel that you're belittling what they're going through.

However I often remind myself of this when trouble hits. I've found that even from the depths of despair, something good can come of it that wouldn't have happened otherwise. In essence, the "reason" showed up.

I know it didn't happen for a reason but it helps to remind myself to look for the good outcomes, even from the worst times and even when it take years to become clear.

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