To expect dh to not to smoke in the house or in front of his kids?

[Rhubarb]

As I'm a non-smoker.

He blows the smoke up the chimney but you can still smell it when you walk into the room. He conceded this point a few weeks ago and said he'd go outside in future, but now it seems he can't be bothered and is making excuses like "yes but the fire was lit last time so that's why the smoke didn't go up the chimney properly!"

He only smokes when he has a drink and has around 4 ciggies, more if there are people around who smoke too. And he doesn't care if the kids see him smoking either.

I don't smoke, never have, don't mind other people smoking or even him for that matter, just not so that it makes my house smell.

Should I get off my high horse and chill out more as he suggests?

He shouldn't smoke in front of your kids. And I think if he's smoking regularly (how often does he have a drink?) then he should be doing it outside because regular smoking does make the house smell. But if it is just once in a while (dh smokes cigars but only ever after a really nice dinner, when I will usually want a fag as well - maybe once a month) then I think you should chill, as a good airing/spray will get rid of the smell

No. Stay firmly seated on high horse - rear up a bit if necessary.

My DDs might see DH smoking - but he's outside in the cold and the rain. This reinforces the message that the home is not the place for smoking and we don't have to smell it. Having siad that, i can smell it on his breath as soon as he walks through the door but there is only so much you can do! he also manages long haul flights of around 13 hours - far longer than he spends at home during the week.

I'm an ex-smoker and HATE the smell. It's all I can do to get dp to stand by the back door and blow the smoke outwards. But of course the wind blows it in. Horrible horrible horrible. And he thinks I'm being inconsiderate asking him to go right outside when it's cold (otherwise all our warmth escapes and the children get cold) !!!!!
You are not being unreasonable.

However, the children are growing up with a healthy disgust for smoking.

Well, around 2 to 3 times a week he'll have a drink and usually will smoke around 4 fags in one night.

The other day however his friend came round who is a smoker and dh was happily puffing away without even needing a drink and not giving a toss that his and their kids were playing around him. This was outside though.

I know of other smokers who don't smoke in their own homes. But if I raise the issue as I did last night I am being unreasonable and pathetic. He denies there is a smell now and thinks I should lighten up.

I just wondered what everyone else thought.

You are not being unreasonable - it's not just about the smell (although it is horrible) - it is also a health issue for you and your kids breathing in someone else's smoke. And there is very strong evidence that kids whose parents smoke and have a "chilled out" attitude to smoking are more likely to smoke themselves.

Addictions usually require some sort of denial. If it's outside, then there isn't really much you can do without appearing to be a complete neurotic nag (no horse pun intended). But inside you should really put your foot down. It's just not nice.

Do not let him smoke in the house or around your children. He could be killing them

I'd cut faint lines with a rusty blade in DH's bollocks if he smoked near the boys.

Surely he sees it as his right to choose to smoke which you don't disagree with obviously , therefore it's yours and the dc's right not to have to inhale his fumes. My DP goes outside and it's my only hope that he might ever give up if he is in unpleasant surroundings !

(DH doesn't smoke, btw)

So no, Rhuby, you aren't being unreasonable. He is being disgusting. Why should you "chill out" about him exposing your children to deadly poison?

The kids are in bed when he smokes in here so they are not inhaling his smoke. And he does try to blow it up the chimney but this fails (he is in denial that it smells). The only times he smokes in front of the kids are when he is with friends who smoke during the day and then he does go outside. So I don't worry about them breathing anything in however they do look up to their dad and I'd rather they didn't see him puffing away.

But like someone said, I don't want to become an old nag, the main issue is that I don't want him smoking in the house, period.

I think he should go outside for lots of reasons - far more reasons to go outside than there are for him to do inside infront of your kids is definately a no go!

My dd1 who is 7 knows my sister smokes and this week has been going on about wanting to do it when she is old enough!! i told my sister to stop doing it while dd is around (she doesnt smoke inside anywhere but dd can smell it on her and knows when she goes outside for one) I also told her to tell dd1 she has quit because it's disgusting and is bad for your health (dd1 is very health concious, talks about healthy eating, excercise etc) This week i have also shown her pictures of lungs decayed by smoking so now she says she doesnt want to ever do it.

Do you want your kids to smoke? Does your dh want your kids to smoke?

Btw i am an occasional smoker myself i started at 13 and so i am not completely against it but i don't do it in front of my kids - they dont know i smoke as i only do it if they are staying away or in bed. I do not want to be the reason they start smoking.

Smoke travels through your home more than you may think.

YOU ARE BEING REASONABLE!

I'm a non-smoker. Can't stand the smell. Won't let anyone smoke in my house/car and avoid all smoky environments like the plague. Had a scary experience once at a night out, when my chest tightened on account of being in a poorly-ventilated smoky room (it was a wedding party). Thought I was having an asthma attack even though I am not asthmatic!

Rhubarb, stick to your guns. Any smoking inside clings to your furnishings and curtains etc, and you will notice it even if your dh is oblivious.

On the programme 'Honey we're killing the kids' one of their first priorities was stopping parents smoking - full stop, not just avoiding smoking in the house, they had to Give Up.

I can't wait for the smoking ban in public places to come into force, as our local hairdressers allows smoking atm and it is unbearably awful to be in small room with smells of perming solution and colourants as well as smoke - and coming out with your hair looking fantastic (they are great hairdressers) but smelling like an ashtray

Thank you!
Although I am fighting a losing battle with him!

He has given up before but he just can't seem to do it. He describes himself as a 'part-time' smoker which I think is a ridiculous term! It is something he enjoys immensely and he tells me I am nagging and being over the top. He is the worst person to have an argument with because he simply denies everything you throw at him and makes out that you are the one with the problem!

So how do I insist he smokes outside with any real effect?

What is he denying? That it smells? Because he smokes, he won't know. So tell him he is to take your word for it. Can you enlist the children to tell him he stinks or is that below the belt?

Yes I will use the kids to tell him, that's a good one! Under the circumstances I don't think it's below the belt no.

He denies it smells, I say "you don't smell it because you're a smoker"
He says "you're just too sensitive and making stuff up, there's nowt wrong with my sense of smell."
"Yes but I don't smoke so the smell is stronger to me"
"Well take up smoking then"

You see how bloody annoying an argument with him is!

Say im not arguing with you about this its silly. you know damn well how bad smoking is so you are to do it outside where you are not affecting anyone or anything except yourself. It's not up for negotiation. Next time he lights up in the house take it off him and throw it outside and if he wants it he is to go and get it then lock the door and when he wants to come back in tell him he has to agree never to smoke in the house again.

Seems harsh? It's no worse than what he's doing!!! He isn't giving you a choice or compromising so now its no more mrs nice wife! It's hard nosed doing the best by my kids wife! Oh and with hold sexual favours too!

Hi Rhubarb, It sounds like your dh is not ready to face up to the facts that his smoking is causing you a problem. Not sure how you can convince him to stop. Isn't the fact that it is upsetting you enough to get him to change his mind?

Paula and Twinklingstar are right though - the smoke will be more polluting in your house than you might think - even if there is no smoking in the same room as your kids, they will still be exposed to smoke as the it spreads through the air in the house, and lingers in walls, carpets, dust and furnishings.

I did say to him that for every fag he smokes he has to have sex with me, as he's a bit low on the libido these days, so if he smokes 4 fags he has to have sex 4 times with me!

I shall have to do the harsh wife thing then I suppose. But he'll hate that as he's a natural born rebel and I don't want to drive him to smoke more just to piss me off!

If he is prepared to go outside when the kids are around then why is it different when they are in bed. Your there then? Not really sure what more you can say other than sitting him down and explaining how much it upsets you. Maybe ask him to compromise with you and stand at the door and blow it outside at least it's start.

My sister stopped smoking for good when her children came home one day and said that they had heard at school that smoking kills and they didn't want their mummy to die.

She has never had a fag again, although her dh still smokes, neither of them ever in front of the kids. He goes out into the garden. BIL and my brother both smoke, never in front of their kids or my son. They go out without being asked.

Eh, no need to chill out. Passive smoking can kill too.