To expect dh to not to smoke in the house or in front of his kids?

[Rhubarb]

As I'm a non-smoker.

He blows the smoke up the chimney but you can still smell it when you walk into the room. He conceded this point a few weeks ago and said he'd go outside in future, but now it seems he can't be bothered and is making excuses like "yes but the fire was lit last time so that's why the smoke didn't go up the chimney properly!"

He only smokes when he has a drink and has around 4 ciggies, more if there are people around who smoke too. And he doesn't care if the kids see him smoking either.

I don't smoke, never have, don't mind other people smoking or even him for that matter, just not so that it makes my house smell.

Should I get off my high horse and chill out more as he suggests?

[pointydog]

I think that shows a healthy mind, rhubarb

[Rhubarb]

He only smokes when he drinks and then he has around 4 or 5 fags. This is about 2 - 3 times a week, so not enough to make his fingers yellow. But yes I do agree that I find male smokers unattractive, especially as they get older and their teeth go yellow and their skin all brown and wrinkly!

But that's besides the point.

I did leave this page up last night for him to read but he didn't bother, he visited his favourited band The Fall's website and posted on there instead!

[pointydog]

nah, don't smell that bad actually.

[Judy1234]

But even then their clothes stink. How could a child cuddle into that? I suppose you could make them change into some sort of boiler suit thing and have showers before they reentered the house.

[pointydog]

Dh smoked for the first five years or so of us having kids. He would smoke outside, rain or shine, and for the first 18 months this involved him going down the stairwell, outisde the tenement and on to the street.

I am not a smoking fascist but agree your dh should make the effort, rhubarb, and smoke outside.

[hunkermunker]

How much does he smoke, Rhuby?

I'd be pissed off because it's a Waste Of Money as much as anything, actually.

[Judy1234]

True but my email to a man today said "I'm afraid smoking is completely out so best of luck". No way could I even sit in a room with people who smoke. They clothes are disgusting. They age. Their fingers go yellow. I just can't understand anyone having sexual attraction for a smoker. Obviously if you already have one and love one that's entirely different. The children get £500 if they get to 21 without smoking. One there so far.

[Rhubarb]

He did smoke before I married him Xenia, but so did all my friends, I was in the minority. However once we got together he did try to stop for me. We never planned to have kids however though, that was a surprise and we had to deal with that.

I guess as we've gotten older I am less accepting. At first I loved him so much that I put up with the smoke and stench even if his breath nearly made me puke. Now we are older and wiser I find it is less acceptable. In my view I guess I think that he stopped before so why not now? And if he has to smoke, which I accept, why not go outside? It's not like this is a bum student bedsit anymore, it's a family home. Things change.

[hatwoman]

life is so straightforward in xenia-land.

[Judy1234]

Surely this is the sort of thing you sort out before you marry someone. I reject anyone who smokes. It's just unacceptable and children of smokers are hugely more likely to smoke. None of my friends spokes or would ever do it here.

[LilyLoo]

Rhubarb totally get where you coming from will never convince my DP to stop each to their own as we say! however think you should be determined in stopping it in the house but need to reach an agreement with him on board or it will never work. Imo preaching will never work just makes them more stubborn ! However DC'S protesting they don't want them to die has worked in my sil case so if all else fails get DC on side just waiting for mine to be old enough.

[Rhubarb]

But if you were to argue tha( with him he'd annoy you to fuck. I am going to leave this convo on the screen for when he comes in (we are doing a pub rota thing, one in and one out as our mate is round and we don't have a babysitter, pub is just 3 doors away). Just in case he notices, I don't mind hun, you can post in my name.

I think he will find many posts too facist for his taste. Just to reiterate I do understand his need to smoke, I drink after all and that for me is my relaxant. But then drink doesn't make the house smell or clothes and you don't make other people smell your alcohol do you?

I don't think the kids would come to much harm just by sniffing his clothes. And to be fair he would never ever wantonly harm them in that way. He only smokes in their presence outside where the air blows it away and he does make sure it doesn't blow in their direction. What just got my goat was him smoking in the house, sahying it went up the chimney and denying there was even a trace of a smell.

But I don't think a smoker makes a bad dad. I have never touched a fag in my life but I do think some posts are a bit ott? I am grateful for all opinions though so I guess I do need to take them onboard.

Oh well, let's see if dh wants to come on and defend himself!

[DonnyLass]

oh god i have got into so many mn debates about this ....but here i go again ...


there are carcinogenic components still on the breath of a smoker up to 20min after they finish

environmental tobacco smoke ETS is being studied a lot right now -- ie the build up in houses etc so expect some findings from that soon

people will argue that neither of these are passive smoking and that car fumes are as bad/i am being ott etc

but i am resolute that...

if you can minimise a known risk for your most precious lo then i am happy to be considered a nut

aaaaa hard hat -- again

[Lizzer]

Rhubarb, I've just been through this myself. Exactly the same circs, except dp won't smoke in front of dd (fine when she's in bed tho?) I don't quite know how I got him to change (early days yet) but complaining of the smell and the fact that any clothes or bedding hung out to dry in the top of the house had a fag smell on it didn't work. I was feeling really sick and horrid for a few days week before last (but no, I'm not pg ) and every time he lit up I said, "oh my god I'm going to hurl" and ran to the bathroom. I think that plus a few conversations about cleaning up our lives in general seemed to do the trick.

Sorry you're going through this and you may have to pull the "harsh wife thing"...

[pointydog]

Mr Rhubarb, GO OUTSIDE. It stinks.

[hatwoman]

it never cesase to amaze me (even as an ex-proper and still ocassional smoker) that some people just don;t get it. smokers are imposing on non-smokers. They are actively doing something that is annoying and unpleasant to other people, yet there are still some people that think the default position should be being able to smoke and the onus is on other people to ask them not to. You shouldn;t have to ask him not to do it. he should have to ask you to do it. he's the one that should be asking if he is being unreasonable...and imo that would get a resounding yes.

[expatinscotland]

oh, sorry, i meant you're not being unreasonable not to want him to smoke in the house.

the smell lingers for days.

[Rabbitbreath]

My husband and I are also non-smokers - I hate the smell and like somebody mentioned in this conversation - smokers stand and smoke at shop / office entrances and you have to walk through the stink!

I would love to have a pub lunch from time to time, but as most pubs allow smoking we avoid eating at pubs - I can't wait until they ban smokng in public totally.

Also, in some restaurants you get a smoking and non-smoking section. In my mind to have both these sections in one big room is like having a pee place in one corner of a pool!!!

Also, kissing a person who smokes is like licking out an ashtray!! urgh

Re smoking around children - I think it is very unfair to them and their health. My brother is a smoker and when his girlfriend's boy of 12 years old asked him to please stop smoking in the house he told the poor kid that he pays the rent, so if you don't like it go stay somewhere else. I think this is the general selfish attitude of smokers!

Also, a classic example of this selfishness is like last night in the rain waiting for a bus, this guy standing between everybody happily smoking his fag - not realising other people's feelings (e.g. I am 6 months pregnant and don't want to breathe in his smoke and don't necessarily want to stand in the rain getting wet for his sake either!!)

[expatinscotland]

In the house, yes!

Smoking is banned in our entire stair - that's a block of flats - by our landlord.

It's a no-smoking stair and you have to go all the way outside to smoke.

[prufrock]

I take bake my previous possibility of needing to chill Rhubarb - 2/3 times a week is not part time smoking. I am a part time smoker (and yes I know it's bad for me). You're renting aren't you? Can't you suddenly find a clause in the lease that says no smoking? Even if there isn't one, it will cost much more to clean the place when you finally leave if you have to get the smell of fags out of carpets and curtains. Is that an argument dh would get?

[themanfromiPannema]

smoke up the chimney argument is bolleaux. The VAST majority of smoke coming from a cig is invisible to the eye.

it is life-threatening. Your husband IS an addict, by any definition. Assisting him in giving up ( and repeatedly} is better than nagging - even if it results in more sex.......

[mollymawk]

Just to say the same as everyone else has - you are of course being completely reasonable. As an example of reasonableness - my stepfather smokes and when he is at our house it would never occur to him to stay inside to have a cigarette (even before we had children)