To think my mate has forgotten where she comes from?

[Kahulatime]

Well not really where she comes from but where we still are?

Background, a group of us, 5, have been mates since school, now late thirties. We are all very close and regularly socialise together, nights out, weekends away, tea at each others houses. Financially we are all on the same level. Over the years all of us have been on benefits for short periods of time, worked, been unemployed, been SAHM and WOHM. Currently we are all 'comfortable' by that I mean bills are paid and theres a small amount left over for spends.

One of us, i'll call her Jane, came into an awful lot of money 4 years ago. Like lottery type money (she didn't win the lottery but the number is in the millions). A lot changed for her, she moved out of the area, quit working etc etc. But we all stayed mates, we still did the same things we've always done, she was still Jane but with a fuck load of money

Roll on a few years and Jane seems to start forgetting that whilst she now doesn't have to worry about money, we still do. So she suggests to go away on longer holidays, different places we would usually go, weekends at more up market spas etc. Mostly we explained that we couldn't do that and she was fine with it.

More recently though she seems to be forgetting/sulking that we can't do it. So lots of 'god its not that much money' 'cant you just save' 'what about if we book it early then you have longer to save up'. We've explained over and over that it doesn't matter how long we've got, you can't turn centre parcs money into Ritz money

But she seems to be pretending or genuinely has forgotten what its like to struggle for money. For example tonight we are going out for drinks as we do on a monthly basis. Mate 1 mentioned on group chat she didn't have much cash so wouldn't be out late/would be getting the bus in. Jane has text to say 'surprise girls, managed to get a table at x for cocktails, meet you all there at 8'. X is a cocktail bar/resturarant that we would usually go to for a big once a year celebration as its bloody expensive £14 cocktails and upwards. Mate 1 replied on group chat saying are you having a laugh I can't afford that, Jane said 'ofgs its not that much, come on it will be a laugh i'm bored of y place'

Its the constant requests to do stuff that she knows we can't afford. I get that shes , by her own admission, bored. But we still need to work and look after the kids and parents and pets etc. Its getting hard to know what to say other than 'you've completely forgotten where you come from pull your head out'!

Mate 1 has text me privately asking if she can borrow and extra £20, which is fine we all lend each other money occasionally, but she feels like crap about it.

I like the idea of "I'll put it on my card and you guys can pay me back £(10%), which is what we would be spent on (cheaper holiday)."

This reminds me of the time my (ex) friend was bewailing the fact that they might need to cancel their fortnight's holiday to Disney World because of the dates the new kitchen needed to be put in .

For context, we both had the same background, but her husband had been very successful in his business while mine was no longer able to work because of disability and needed me to be his carer so we were stuck on benefit level income.

Kitchen was bloody gorgeous mind you.

Oh, and she's an ex friend because I'm not wealthy enough to do the things she now enjoys, like throwing big dinner parties and holidaying abroad several times a year, so I have just been left on the wayside.

Jealous, moi???

I want a £14 cocktail now!

She doesn't sound like a very nice person, tbh. If she has that much money and wants to go to such swanky places, she could offer to pay.

Ugh
She's being awful
Tell her to get her head out of her ass
A real friend doesn't pressure you to spend money.

Ugh
She's being awful
Tell her to get her head out of her ass
A real friend doesn't pressure you to spend money.

She sounds tight tbh. I don't buy the "it's DH money not mine" - I'm sure it's enough hers when she's spending it on herself.

I've got more disposable income than friends - when we go out it's to places everyone can afford. If we wanted to do a big special trip, then I'd rent a house and invite people with and they could pay towards/bring food/wine etc. She should buy a lovely holiday home that you could all go to, plus would be an investment so not "wasting" money on friends (cow)

This summer we renting a large luxe farmhouse and inviting friends for a couple of nights. It's not rocket science.

Why doesn't she go and do education with her spare time.... I'd love to do an OU course (or even some science-y A levels). Cookery classes sound meh. A proper educational course will help her with kids homework and rigorously challenge her academically too. I think that's what she needs - a proper challenge.

I read somewhere that this is quite common when people win the lottery but this doesn't mean you lose her as a pal; you go way back. However she is fortunate that she has this close circle.

She really needs to go out and volunteer, perhaps at a food hand out place; or something if only to remind herself of the cost of things for others.
Good luck.

Dimelza, I'll post a photo later

If I can do it anonymously!

It really isn't ridiculous for Jane to get a job. We all need to have purpose, or we feel useless and get depressed. It's called being human.

SO she previously did unskilled low-paid work. Fine. She now doesn't have to work for the money, she can volunteer her time unpaid. Or pay college fees to get some skills or study something she's always been interested in. But for her own sanity, she needs to be doing something other than moping around trying to guilt her old friends into spending money they don't have!

She goes to places you can all afford or she stays home.

I have a Jane friend and she had to be frequently reminded that we can't all afford what she can and we don't want her to pay for us to upgrade. She's lovely but needs constant reminding.

United front op. Her choice

Cocktails at The Ritz on Piccadilly start at £20.00. In a bar just down the road from there, you can grab a cocktail for £8.20, apparently.

MrsPeely it's not really catch 22 though is it? There is a very clear solution - that the group of friends continue to socialise in ways they can all afford. Catch 22 situations are damned if you do, damned if you don't - this is no such thing. This is just a spoilt child-woman wanting everything her own way because she's bored.

It does sound as though she needs to stand up to her husband a bit though - either the money belongs to them both equally and she can treat her friends if she sees fit, or its mostly "his" in which case he has no right to "disapprove" of her getting a job - her income will be 100% disposable as everything including child care and domestic help is paid for, so she can spend that on her friends if she is still subject to that specific ennui that can only be tackled with £14 cocktails and tea at the Ritz or whatever...

Dumdedumdedum I believe it. Probably use the same ingredients too.

I took my Mum out to a nice burger place for her birthday once. Everything made to order so you pay through the nose. I ordered us both one of those massive milkshake things for around £6 each. Mother was fuming when she spotted the Tesco everyday ice cream they were using to make it (85p for a tub in your local store). FEWMING! It wasn't even her paying!

I'd wait until you've had a couple of drinks, take her to one side and just say that you know she's in a much better financial position than the rest of you and you're really pleased for her that she is, but she needs to remember that for the rest of you, a place like that is special occasion and save up for rather than a good old saturday night out. You know she means well and it was very thoughtful but next time, it needs to be somewhere where you all feel comfortable with the budget. And give her a hug to soften it.

It is very difficult. I am a high earner and a lot of my friends earn more regular salaries. I always try to be sensitive to their funds and wishes and avoid bragging. My biggest challenge is a 'friend' who constantly hints about ransacking my wardrobe, jewellery, bags etc but that is a story for another day.

Margery why is it very difficult? Does your salary prevent you from drinking cocktails which cost under a certain amount? How can it be difficult to socialise in places which suit the group's usual budget rather than seek out more expensive options?

What does she want to do? I say this because I am the rich friend & have always wanted to go on a 1 or 2 week holiday with my close friends location flexible budget flexible. However although my 'poorer' friends regularly willing to drop £100/night on spa weekends (5-10 a year) & shopping breaks they're too poor apparently to do a holiday instead of all the shitty weekend breaks. It wasn't poverty. They just didn't have the same time constraints I did. So in the end I had no choice but to drop them and get friends more on my level

I would hope (not that it would ever happen) but if I came into millions and my friends were struggling, I would help them out lots or at least treat them every so often to a slap up meal at a posh restaurant, especially since she's the one who wants to go. Think she is really rude to forget so easily how hard it is sometimes and to get stroppy - sounds like it's gone to her head, in which case I'd just say 'no' to going and let her realise she can go to her posh nights on her own - friends are priceless, so she needs to wake up before she loses them

Send her a link to that episode of Friends when Ross/Monica/Chander want to go 'some place nice.'

Astoria7974 - surely you mean you didn't have the same time constraints as your (presumably working mothers) old friends? And by making friends with people "more on your level", you mean you are now able to go away with women in a similar situation to yours, who don't have to beg for (limited) time off from work nor worry about the children if they decide to go away for a week's holiday without their family?

Jane is BU and also very stupid.

If she manages to fall out with these friends, what on earth will she have left in her hollow glossy life?

Dumdum - I work 60+ hours a week + 4 hour daily commute as an investment banker. My friends were all housewives who liked to waste money on 5-10 fri-tues breaks. I am so time poor a 1 or 2 week holiday would have worked out better for me. I can't afford to take 5-10 mon/tues off without harming my career. I now have a close friend circle who are similarly time poor - people who work in IB like me, doctors, architects etc - met them through various women in business networking groups

So yeah don't judge.

I have lots of mates in a worse financial position than me. I would not dream of doing this.

I generally go wherever is suggested by them and pay if I possibly can ( turn up first and have a bottle on the table ready, buy tickets for events and say I got them free).