To think my mate has forgotten where she comes from?

[Kahulatime]

Well not really where she comes from but where we still are?

Background, a group of us, 5, have been mates since school, now late thirties. We are all very close and regularly socialise together, nights out, weekends away, tea at each others houses. Financially we are all on the same level. Over the years all of us have been on benefits for short periods of time, worked, been unemployed, been SAHM and WOHM. Currently we are all 'comfortable' by that I mean bills are paid and theres a small amount left over for spends.

One of us, i'll call her Jane, came into an awful lot of money 4 years ago. Like lottery type money (she didn't win the lottery but the number is in the millions). A lot changed for her, she moved out of the area, quit working etc etc. But we all stayed mates, we still did the same things we've always done, she was still Jane but with a fuck load of money

Roll on a few years and Jane seems to start forgetting that whilst she now doesn't have to worry about money, we still do. So she suggests to go away on longer holidays, different places we would usually go, weekends at more up market spas etc. Mostly we explained that we couldn't do that and she was fine with it.

More recently though she seems to be forgetting/sulking that we can't do it. So lots of 'god its not that much money' 'cant you just save' 'what about if we book it early then you have longer to save up'. We've explained over and over that it doesn't matter how long we've got, you can't turn centre parcs money into Ritz money

But she seems to be pretending or genuinely has forgotten what its like to struggle for money. For example tonight we are going out for drinks as we do on a monthly basis. Mate 1 mentioned on group chat she didn't have much cash so wouldn't be out late/would be getting the bus in. Jane has text to say 'surprise girls, managed to get a table at x for cocktails, meet you all there at 8'. X is a cocktail bar/resturarant that we would usually go to for a big once a year celebration as its bloody expensive £14 cocktails and upwards. Mate 1 replied on group chat saying are you having a laugh I can't afford that, Jane said 'ofgs its not that much, come on it will be a laugh i'm bored of y place'

Its the constant requests to do stuff that she knows we can't afford. I get that shes , by her own admission, bored. But we still need to work and look after the kids and parents and pets etc. Its getting hard to know what to say other than 'you've completely forgotten where you come from pull your head out'!

Mate 1 has text me privately asking if she can borrow and extra £20, which is fine we all lend each other money occasionally, but she feels like crap about it.

re a job for Jane- the great thing about having money is that she could work for free or tiny amounts doing something more enjoyable. Get involved in a charity, take some of the money and start a shop/small business/cattery/whatever she likes. No pressure to turn a profit or provide, but something to DO.

Why doesn't she do some voluntary work

I think the 4 of you need to be a bit firmer with her. Simply say "Jane, the rest of us can't afford to go there. I think you might have started to forget what it's like to have to budget for nights out. We'll be going to Y place and it'd be great if you came too."

Then if she continues and gets arsy, give it to her straight. It's not your fault she's bored. She's bored because she chose to stop filling her days with work after she came into money. That's her choice and it's not necessarily wrong, but expecting friends to always manage to stump up for more and more expensive ways of keeping her entertained isn't on.

Cross post Kaputt

She sounds very vulgar

kaputt, yes agree and she does volunteer sometimes then gets bored! And horse riding, the saxophone, cookery lessons, and the time she took up flying lessons.

Some of these have been changed!

She just seems to be aimlessly floating and doesn't know what to do. I don't think her husband would like her going to work. And yes I realise how stupid that is.

People generally don't like the behaviour of friends who come into large amounts of money. On the one hand, if they throw it around like confetti they are accused of buying people and being flash, if they try to maintain the same stance of everyone paying for themselves, they are accused of being tight.

If you know Jane well enough to talk frankly with her, then one of you needs to explain that you don't have the ability to financially match her spending.

Why doesn't she do voluntary work?

I have no patience with people who moan about being bored. If she can't find things to occupy her in a country as diverse and culturally rich as the UK, then despite all her wealth I consider her poor.

We're going to cocktail place for one and then onto town as usual. Mate 2 (gobby scouser) just replied to group text and said well I want to stay out past 9 so I'm not bloody drinking in there all night, stay for 1 and then town!

Cross post!

So DH works all hours but he wouldn't want her to? Wtf?

I like Mate 2 😁

if she doesnt need to work for money she should volunteer then, instead of hanging around annoying folk

First conversation when you get there for the first round is "Jane, you've forgotten - we can't afford to do this" You all need to present a united front that you going out money is very limited.

Yeah she needs to build herself a life...

Good on mate 2. I'd also reply, "Yeah, first round's on Jane!"

If I were a Millionaire I'd be buying my besties drinks!!

x post

Jane sounds like a PITA shes lucky you lot still put up with her

Mate 2's good! And whilst I get Jane doesn't want to spend money that is her DH's on other people, she either has to get over it and spring for a couple of rounds in the expensive places, or just go along with the rest of the crowd and not expect to spend shedloads. But someone needs to remind her about it. Or you'll all start going out without her and she'll land up with no friends at all.

I think Jane needs to ask herself

Am I happy?
What's important to me?

And work from there. Hassling the rest of you to spend beyond your means to keep her entertained makes no sense. Fortunately there's a group of you so you can say the same thing (we can't afford it) without being made to feel bad.

She sounds like a blooming nightmare, if she is not careful she will loose some very good friends. I would sit her down and explain it, how it is! Keep saying to her, no I cannot afford that, we are going to X, not Y. If the message is not getting through, I was seriously start distancing her.

You now have less in common with Jane than formerly. This happens; it's called life.

Jesus christ if my DH came in to that sort of money he'd open a bank account entitled "Fanny and Friends Teenage Dream Trip to America Fund"

Jane's DH sounds tight and Jane sounds like she's thoughtless and perhaps a bit depressed.

YNBU. I know of a Jane minus the lottery money. She was on benefits for years.

Got a job two months ago and all her posts are now about how hard she works now and pays for other peoples benefits and she's got rent and bills to pay.

You're doing the same thing thousands of other parents have done for years love.

OP, why does Jane feel the need to explain why she suddenly has money. Do the other people in her social group say where they've got their money from? Surely it's none of their business? Curious as to why she doesn't really fit 'here' anymore OP. I have a wide social group, some are more than financially comfortably off, others are on the bones of their arse signing on every fortnight. I dont think any less of either of them.
I do understand the not fitting in with certain social groups though. I once made the mistake of joining a very middle class church and boy did I know it!

I think she sounds like she's forgotten where she comes from too (£14 cocktails!) . If it's not that much then why can't she offer to help mate 1 out? I've been mate 1 before where I clearly said I can't go as wouldn't have the funds but hope everyone enjoyed themselves. Someone paid for me instead but I felt awkward the whole evening.

Jane needs to be told its not about saving, most people dont have money left over with TO start saving.

Is Jane is as rich as you say then she can pay if she wants you all to go to expensive places

It doesn't work that way because if you do try to cover the cost people can feel very uncomfortable. Its a catch 22 situation.

Jane sounds like a spoiled child. My sister and cousin can be like that financially. I am a sahm with a toddler and a baby and my partner works so money is tight, but also, I don't have the time to 'let's go to the spa' 'we should go to blue water and spend a day shopping' 'lets go out to lunch'. Yes all of those sound completely within my limited finances and a spa! What a fantastic place for a 2.8 year old and a 3 month old. I'll spend the whole time feeding the baby and trying to keep the toddler entertained whilst watching you get massages. Piss off.

I understand she's bored, but then she should get a hobby, or a job. And ignoring other people's limited finances is just effing rude. She would not be my friend for long. When any one my mummy friends say 'let's go into town for a coffee' I also change it to, let's go to the park, or come to me for a coffee. I would be firm with places you are comfortable to go, and also about not being available for her every bored need as you have a job and children.