To think DH should stop seeing this female "friend"

[springycurls]

First time posting in AIBU, I really don't think I am but DH won't discuss it properly AT ALL

DH and I have been married for 6mo. I've known him 2 years. We're in our late 30s and met online. He was always open that he was looking for a serious relationship and our relationship is great. He can be a bit immature and there are things I'd like to change about him but overall I'm happy. He is in a very niche job working for the government that needs a lot of specific, high level qualifications (PhD as a minimum)- it can be very demanding and a lot of it he isn't allowed to talk about. (this is relevant!!)

He has this female "friend" who he met many years ago. She is in the same job but is 10 years younger and though he wasn't her manager he mentored her when she first started. They do seem to have a lot in common- DH has some quite strange interests that I think he's a bit old for TBH. They became friends and stayed in touch but there's always been something "off" about her. I've heard from friends who knew him before he met me that they used to go on "dates" e.g. for dinner or films even though she has a partner. That hasn't happened much recently. She's been with this partner a long time but they're not married so I'm dubious as to how serious she is about that.

Anyway I went through his FB messages and whatsapps and it seems like they message quite frequently- at least once every week. Sometimes she starts it, sometimes he does. Usually it's about some of these weird interests or sounding off about work- again the very specific stuff about their job that us "plebs" wouldn't understand - but I've noticed that she has a pet name for him that no one else uses and he uses a pet name for her. She sometimes ends her messages with xxx. They are due to be away for work in London in a couple of months. It's not required that they go as it's a seminar type thing, but I found a message from him asking if she was going and saying that he'd go if she does! She had replied saying thank god I'll have someone to sit next to, you're the only person I like out of all of them!!

She has in the past tagged him on facebook and it's always a bit inappropriate- like they both went to this comic book expo thing and she photographed him there with some models.

I have met her a few times and always felt she was actually a bit rude/cheeky to my DH- especially from someone so much younger who is in the same job and should be looking up to him. He says she's not rude it's just "we think the same way". I think she's a bit snooty as she seems to presume me and DH will have the same interests. We had her round for dinner once and it was awful! She's known DH's cat since it was a kitten so it loves her (cat hates me, I hate cats) and she made a bloody great fuss of it. She then wanted to talk politics which was a bit controversial as DH and I don't agree and she openly said she was shocked by that and not agreeing would be a "deal breaker" for her and her partner!
He wanted to invite her to our wedding but I said no. She sent us a card and a small gift anyway which I thought was quite passive aggressive!

I have tried to get him to talk about her but he just tells me to leave it and that there's nothing going on. I can't put my finger on it but it just doesn't seem right for him to have this sort of relationship. All his other female friends are our age, married and he's friendly with the husbands too. I've tried looking her up on facebook but her privacy settings are very strong so I can't even message her directly telling her to back off. I could get her number off DH phone but that seems a bit OTT

How can I get my DH to see this is a bit weird, and am I being unreasonable to think he should reduce his contact with her and keep it just professional? She's a young girl surely she should be making friends with people her own age anyway!

From NOTHS or similar- that's why I thought it was a bit PA, it was really a gift for him and not us??

So? You say in the previous paragraph you weren't her friend and hadn't met her, so it's sweet she got him a gift that means something, and put both your names on it. She wasn't even invited to the wedding, why should she ask for a gift list?

Jesus OP, how on earth did you conclude that the gift was PA?

Honestly, you really, really need to address your insecurities.

Sorry, you lost me when you said she had to look up to your husband because he was older.

Surely if they are in the same field and its the type of job you need a PhD for then there will be the need for ongoing professional development which is why they need to go to seminars. Agreeing to go to the same one isn't agreeing to go on a date - it's agreeing to go with a friend so it isn't as deathly dull as they can be!

I think you are a bit jealous that she works in the same field that "plebs" can't work in. You are putting yourself down.

Why should she be looking up to him? Because he is a man? Because he is older? Surely not because a friend has more experience in the same field if he isn't her boss.

I get that you feel insecure because they are comfortable in their relationship, have shared interests etc but I think the problem is not their relationship but your own.

You wanted him to change - why marry him at all?

1. You have to trust your DH. You have no evidence to do otherwise.

1. If you want to spend more time with your DH then find an interest you can do together....this may mean showing an interest in something he already does

1. It was kind of your DH's colleague to send you a card and gift. It is also fine that she loves his cat

1. You need to be much kinder about the cat. If I had married someone who hated my pets I would be thinking I had made a mistake.

I really do get it OP. Six months into a marriage can be a critical time. The honeymoon period is over and the differences between you start to show. You have a choice in how you manage this but one choice is likely to end in separation / divorce further down the line. Think carefully.

Sorry OP but I think you may be in the wrong here.

You say she's been with her partner "a long time but they're not married so I'm dubious as to how serious she is about that." Well, she was serious enough about it to not snaffle your now-husband when he was single. Think about that. He was free. She didn't go for him, she stayed with her long-term partner.

Their relationship sounds fine to me. Two colleagues who share some hobbies, their hobbies are relatively rare so not statistically unlikely that other colleagues or friends will also share them. Get on well, boring seminar coming up that they don't have to go to, but if they both go they'll have someone to talk to at mealtimes so it won't be complete crap.

You do sound jealous. And jealousy usually springs from a lack of confidence, either in your self or in the relationship itself. You mention you don't share political views, you don't share hobbies - are you afraid your relationship doesn't have strong enough foundations?

How dare she talk to a cat you dislike? Yabu, very. And the poor cat, it must be stressed having a new person living there who hates it.

I was wondering the same, Jenny.

OP you really don't seem to like this man much, let alone love him.

TBH if my husband had been like that about any of my male friends we wouldn't have been getting married (though only one is on this level, he part of our wedding party).

One of poor DH's first 'tests' was going to the pub with two of my closest male friends (as part of a group, I'm not that mean). My Eeyore male friend said, "he's alright" afterwards. Which counts as throwing a parade in his honour for this bloke. We had a small wedding; this friend was at it.

All my male friends have nicknames. Is that weird. And one of mine calls me a diminutive, which I won't allow anyone else to. He's earned it but heaven forfend anyone else uses it.

You sound awful.

She has to look upto him and only speak to him how you find acceptable?

They have been friends years but you expect him to drop her? And drop his interests because you are married?

If this bother you so much, why did you get married?

You sound really unkind and controlling. So much so its difficult to believe someone coukd actually think this behaviour is ok.

So to clarify ,he is going to a convention, staying at his brothers, female friend is also going to convention and you are worried .
I think you need to take a step back and realise if you don't curb your jealousy you may cause much worse problems .

How does the cat feel about all this?

To be honest, it actually sounds as though you and he are incompatible in many ways (not necessarily a bad thing) with differing interests/hobbies/political views/even down to the cat... and you see that, on the surfact, she appears to be far more compatible with him than you. You sound irrationally jealous. Perhaps you should have married someone you liked and were compatible with rather than be so disapproving of him, his interests and his friends.

FWIW, opposing political views would be a dealbreaker for me too.

If you want to spend more time with your DH then find an interest you can do together....this may mean showing an interest in something he already does

THIS!

Hmm, just a thought, but I wonder if the friend may be on the Autistic Spectrum? Perhaps that would explain why you find her difficult - or more to the point, different? If that is the case, and it's a wild guess, her friendship with your DH will be very important to her. Go carefully.

OP I know that getting feedback you don't want to hear is rough, but please try and listen. But bother asking AIBU if you don't have some doubt. Please don't let your insecurities wreck your relationship and/or ruin a healthy friendship into the bargain. If he abandons a friend for no reason other than your irrational dislike: a) He will resent you at some level; and b) What does that say about him as a person?

Be glad that you are marrying a nice guy who has friends who care for him as friends. And don't find reasons to hate someone for buying you both a present! Is that the kind of person you want to be yourself?

That gift sounds very thoughtful.

Why on earth wouldn't you want a picture of a place which has sentimental value to your DH?

Also if my dh went through my messagess and then messaged my friend to back off, i would end the marriage.

Its so controlling.

This is ridiculous. He's a man not a house! I must tell DH to through out his zombie games and Xbox because he's too old for them now. I'm only early 30s so I'm going to enjoy my last 5 years of sims whilst I can!!!

I wouldn't marry someone with political stances I couldn't agree with, particularly strong Ines, just as I wouldn't marry someone who wanted our child to be christened.

She has a long term partner and may never want to marry? So what? Is marriage the only way you can equate seriousness to a relationship?

You sound like you barely know him or understand him. You sound controlling and closed minded.

I'm glad someone likes the cat.

I've always had nicknames at work regardless of gender. DH has several very close female friends and they go to dinner and cinema etc still now. If he did all these exact same things with the same gender person you wouldn't be worrying he was too close.

I feel sorry for people who can't appreciate close platonic relationships across genders.

How does the cat feel about all this?

I have a male colleague I get on really well with. We have to travel and stay overnight quite frequently for work, and we joke that we are each others work spouses. His wife works at the same place and I'm really good friends with her too. I can categorically state that I do not fancy my friend, he isn't my type and I'm happily married, but that doesn't stop people at work raising eyebrows when we have lunch together and so on. I would be upset if his wife thought there was something going on, because it would imply she didn't trust either of us. You can have a friend of the opposite sex without anything romantic happening.

Passive aggressive for sending you a wedding present when you got married and you want to warn her off him?

You need to look again at your behaviour here. If she was that keen on him she'd have done something when he was single. She didn't because she's clearly happy with her partner.

Here's news for you - people can have platonic friends. Just because she's female doesn't mean she's after your husband.

Reread what you've written and see if you can see what everyone else can

I think you need to step back and have a look at your marriage. From what you have written there's nothing you like about your husband. I, for one would never marry someone who 'hated' animals, let alone my own pet. You seem to have some very strange ideas about how everyone around should behave but you see no problem with snooping through your husbands phone. And you see every single woman as a threat.

Blimey. I'm quite pleased that DH is more laid back about me having male friends, some of whom I've known for many years. Especially as I exchange messages with them!

YANBU. I could have written this very similar post 7 months ago, a few months later he left me for her so I can see your POV.