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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU by refusing to take my dd's to my ex every weekend?

26 replies

Lovemysofa · 04/03/2017 09:50

I basically need some hand holding and/or help putting on my big girl pants before tackling this with excellent. In a nutshell, we separated 2.5 yes ago. He has never paid a penny, has only had them overnight 3 or 4 times, doesn't phone to speak to them or ask after them. Until December he was driving over to pick up from school 1 day a week but has now got rid of his car. This has meant that every Sunday I have had to drive them to his and then pick up later (he used to bring them home). This is an extra 120 miles a month for me, which is obviously costing me. So aibu to tell him I will only do this every other week? I try so hard to ensure dd's have a relationship with him and feel guilty but am just fed up with doing everything.

OP posts:

pinkpixie83 · 04/03/2017 09:54

I wouldn't be doing it every weekend that's for sure.

Could he have them for a whole weekend every other weekend, fri to sun? Is there trains that could be used, even half way?

Frouby · 04/03/2017 09:57

I have recently stopped doing this for dd. Ex wasn't allowed to my house to collect her as he is a cunt. So my mum did all the handovers. Which meant me dropping dd at hers.

We moved a couple of years ago, only 8 miles away but it was still a 32 mile round trip eow. And on the friday it was a nightmare because of traffic.

Dd now gets the bus to town and he meets her there. She is 12 though so old.enough to do this.

If you do this will he find a way to collect them or just stop contact? You need to be prepared for this.

I think eow is fair enough to be honest. I wouldn't want every weekend to be spent driving around on a sunday and waiting for dcs. You deserve a relaxing weekend too.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 04/03/2017 09:58

Depends on who moved away, if him he needs to do the travelling, if you then it's only right you do the trips.

Vegansnake · 04/03/2017 10:02

Bus,train taxi,..if he's committed it won't be a problem

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 04/03/2017 10:20

Why isn't he paying child maintenance? Even if he's on benefits he has to pay a minimum amount.

Livelovebehappy · 04/03/2017 10:45

If he isn't paying maintenance, then I'm guessing he is unemployed? If this is the case then him getting himself to yours on public transport for the one day a week he has them shouldn't be a big deal as he clearly has the time. Or he could do eow and have them saturday to sunday so he doesn't have to cram the travelling into one day. If the arrangement has to stay as it is, just do the trip there and leave it with him to get them home again on the bus or train.

Astro55 · 04/03/2017 10:49

No! I don't collect rather than deliver!
At least the ball stays in your court if he can't collect you know where they are if you fetch them back your not waiting round for them to come home

Id agree one way only - only fair

NapQueen · 04/03/2017 10:50

Who moved away?

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 04/03/2017 10:53

A judge would say he has to make his own arrangements to collect and drop off. . Stop enabling him to be a lazy twat. .

Allthewaves · 04/03/2017 10:55

Who moved?

Original poster

Lovemysofa · 04/03/2017 12:03

I moved 15 miles away to be closer to the job I travelled to for 10 years and the town that my children go to school in. He has a relatively low paid job but prioritises everything before his children which is one of the many many reasons we separated. I'm just fed up with being the one to make the effort all the time. I genuinely think if I didn't then he wouldn't. But I have made it very clear to my dc that if they want to continue going every Sunday then of course I will do it. I don't want them to miss out.

OP posts:

NapQueen · 04/03/2017 12:09

Yep, I think since you made the move then you do the drive. Still a lot less than you would have been doing commuting if you stayed where you were.

missyB1 · 04/03/2017 12:09

The solution is that they stay over every other weekend. Stop enabling his selfishness and laziness.

QueenArseClangers · 04/03/2017 12:11

Get onto the CM folk and put a claim in.
I'm so fed up of hearing about these fuckwit fathers

Frazzled2207 · 04/03/2017 13:03

Would it be an easier arrangement if for example he had them overnight every other weekend? He'd still have as much time with them overall but less hassle for you.

Otherwise I think I would continue to do it as long as the kids are willing. Not ideal but it looks unlikely they will see him otherwise. And presumably you enjoy the time to yourself when they go?

What a twat though.

Trifleorbust · 04/03/2017 13:19

You are over a barrel, basically, because you love your children enough to facilitate their visits to their lazy father. Shame. I would definitely tell him EOW. And I would want a contribution to petrol. And I would go to the CMS.

gingertigercat · 04/03/2017 15:31

As the daughter of an absent father I would say regardless of if you moved away, if he wants to see his children he should pay for them. Why should he get the joy of a child in his life when he isn't willing to provide?

Until he puts his hand in his pocket I wouldn't be going out of my way to drive at all. Tell him you can't afford it what with paying for his LO all by yourself.

stitchglitched · 04/03/2017 15:37

It's nonsense to say that you are obliged to run around after him just because you moved a short distance to make life easier day to day for you and the DCs. 15 miles is nothing.

You could flip and say that as you have the sole financial burden and are responsible for all meaningful childcare that the least he can do is travel to see them. Alternating who does the journey is more than fair.

FrogFairy · 04/03/2017 16:10

Change contact to EOW and claim CMS.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/03/2017 16:21

It sounds as though he's an ex for a reason. If you moved to be at the school, does that mean they're in secondary school? What about taking the bus over or is that even more expensive? And definitely get CMS. I'd work drop to EOW.

RandomMess · 04/03/2017 16:27

Sorry but I would go to CMS even if you only get £5 per week and I would stop doing the travelling - you are being played for a fool!

I would perhaps dropping them off after school on a Friday and collecting on Sunday one weekend a month - let him actually spend some quality time with them whilst you get a break.

I feel that you are enabling his flakily attitude at your own expense.

memyselfandaye · 04/03/2017 16:29

What he's saving on petrol and tax he can give to you to pay for his children.

Go to the csa/cms.

Doyouwantabrew · 04/03/2017 17:53

Yep it's up to him to sort this not you. He's got to sort his priorities.

Willyoujustbequiet · 04/03/2017 18:01

You owe it to your dd to go to the CSA.

Please dont enable him. Its his child. His responsibility.

haveacupoftea · 04/03/2017 19:08

I'd go eow. I'm surprised your kids dont object to having to leave their home every Sunday anyway.

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