Tell me IABU! DH is ill and I'm so annoyed and sad

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

I know I am being massively U here but need to be told! Basically my DH and I never spend much proper time together because he works very long hours and is exhausted when he gets home. On Monday we had a chat about this and decided we would treat ourselves to a weekend in a fancy hotel to reconnect. What's more, we are TTC and I'm in my fertile period at the moment. Great plan right?

The weekend is now here, we've spent one of our two nights in the hotel (8 hours ahead of the UK here) but DH came down with a weird flu type thing yesterday. He was asleep in the hotel bed by 8.30pm last night. This morning he tried really hard, said he felt better, came down to breakfast but has had to admit defeat and has gone back to bed, aching and shivering :( I'm currently on my way to get him some paracetamol.

I have only been understanding with poorly DH of course, but internally I'm so disappointed and upset :( it feels like such a waste and we were so looking forward to it! I can't help feeling annoyed with DH even though I know it isn't his fault. Please tell me I'm being U to feel like this!

[MrsTerryPratchett]

I know this is not what you want to here. And I've had a couple of beers so if I'm out of order, you tell me.

But maybe, his body is exhausted from all the long hours and the thought of TTC when he's so stressed and disconnected was enough to make him susceptible. And sometimes your body just waits for the time when it's OK to get sick and gets sick.

How are you going to manage a baby with his very long hours? And you aren't together that much? How is he going to be an effective an present Dad?

You do need to reconnect but maybe wait a bit with the TTC.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

...want to here? Urg. Spelling?

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

Thank you Mrs but we definitely want to TTC. We have a plan for when the baby arrives (if!) and we are sure it's what we want. In fact we can't really wait as I will be 38 this year and we have already had one miscarriage :(

[Ineedmorelemonpledge]

Of course you are frustrated, you've been looking forward to time together and plans have been scuppered.

But don't take it out on your DH, as well as feeling ill he probably feels terrible about it too and he really can't help it.

Take care of him, his immune system has crashed after continuous hard work.

If he can talk then it's a good opportunity to lie on the bed and discuss a way through this or how to plan some changes, as it's no position to start a family. If you think life is stress and exhaustion now...how will you feel with sleep deprivation and a crying LO in the mix?

Hope he makes a good recovery.

[highinthesky]

I can understand your frustration OP, but DH did not plan this. This is his body's way of saying he's not upto it atm.

You want him firing on all cylinders, don't you?

[highinthesky]

So be patient x

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

He does work too hard, but he won't be told. I know he enjoys it and he's really not often ill, which is why this feel like such bad timing :(

[AcrossthePond55]

This happened to DH and I years ago. Booked a weekend in Crater Lake Lodge, Oregon. I came down with food poisoning the first night and was sick and either in bed or the loo the entire time. We laugh about it now but it wasn't funny then. We were pretty skint and it wasn't cheap. So it wasn't a complete waste, I told DH to go explore the Lodge and the Lake and take pictures. He came back every few hours to check on me, but honestly I was so miserable that I just wanted to be alone.

Just tuck him up and see that he's comfortable and has what he needs. Then do something yourself if there are things you can do on your own. I don't see that you need to sit in a hotel room the whole time.

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

That sounds like a shitty experience (literally!) AcrossThePond :( we have actually just come to a hotel in our home city so there's not even much sightseeing I want to do :( also I feel bad leaving DH for too long. I've just given him some paracetamol and he's gone back to sleep so hopefully he might be well enough just to be awake later!

[Mummyoflittledragon]

You can reconnect just not in the way you want. Perhaps use the time to love and care for him? Sometimes just showing how much the other person means to you is very important. You have a lot of the "in health" part of your marriage. You're doing the "in sickness" bit right now.

I also got food poisoning (I assume from the mini prawns in a restaurant in a 5* hotel) on a once in a lifetime trip to Japan and Korea. It was pretty shitty being all the way from the creature comforts of home and knowing how many hundreds of pounds were just wasting away.

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

I know you're right mummy. This is one weekend in the whole of our marriage. I need to woman up and stop feeling like we've been cheated of our lovely weekend away!

[Bubbinsmakesthree]

My DH always seems to manage to get ill at these kind of inopportune times and I sometimes find it hard not to be annoyed at him even though it's obviously not his fault.

If it were some external event that had ruined your weekend it'd be easier to have a bit of a rant and get it out of your system but when you have to be in sympathetic spouse mode you don't get the chance to vent.

sucks doesn't it?

[Popskipiekin]

Polly I do sympathise. I'm going to get shot to pieces here as some kind of manflu propagandist but I get so frustrated with my DH when he's unwell as he really seems to feel it and also "chooses" the worst times to be ill! I think we are ill as often as each other and yet I get on with it (and e.g. still do the domestic chores) whilst he complains loudly and expects life to magically be sorted for him.

I get that neither my nor your DH actually chooses to be ill but it can often feel like they've picked the worst time and I have felt illogically angry at DH for this in the past!

Just setting aside the very valid comments of other posters as to whether life is just too stressful for you both right now to be considering adding a baby, the whole TTC-ing throws another pressure in the mix - fertile period comes round once a month and here he is, ill and not performing, and I can see that must be a huge disappointment for you. Again, he didn't choose to be ill but man it must feel like it! (Surely he can just lie back and think of England, right??? I'm joking, I'm joking, I'm joking).

I'm sorry about your miscarriage perhaps DH will feel a bit better after some sleep and you can enjoy a gentle day together, nice leisurely breakfast with papers etc. If not, don't let it stop you having a restorative time yourself. Let DH have the time to recuperate whilst you also recharge batteries (does hotel have a spa?). All the best.

[Sugarlumps333]

Sounds rubbish for you but i think yabu, if he is sick he is sick - maybe he really needed the wknd to rest. Sounds like your poor DP is exhausted.

[BeaderBird]

MrsTerryPratchett, I've never heard such a presumptuous load of old shite in my life. Jesus Christ I've heard it all.

Op, sorry he's poorly and you won't get to take advantage of your fertile period. Look after him and crack on next month.

[TupperwareTat]

It's sounds horrible for both of you.
Plan another trip somewhere nice.

I remember reading about something similar in an article in the Telegraph called leisure sickness, with some people it happens a lot.

(I'm not saying your DH has it!)

www.m.webmd.boots.com/a-to-z-guides/features/do-weekends-and-holidays-make-you-sick

[Miserylovescompany2]

Oh dear :(

Not much fun to be had this weekend.

What about spending this time to chill out yourself. Stick on a good movie and order up something delicious to eat and drink.

Ain't a great deal you can do other than keep him comfortable. Maybe add some ibuprofen and alternate with the paracetamol. Make sure he's taking plenty of fluids. You can't do more than that.

You are also putting additional pressure on yourself by listening to your maternal clock ticking. You are 37 not 47, there's a HUGE difference. This is one weekend. No more and no less.

[NotYoda]

I am so sorry. My DH tends to get physically ill the minute he stops after a busy and/or stressful period

I was wondering the same as MrsTerryPratchett


"Basically my DH and I never spend much proper time together because he works very long hours and is exhausted when he gets home"

How will you feel about this, OP, when you have a baby?

[Helbelle75]

I'm a teacher and this happens to me every holiday. I force myself to keep going through term time, and as soon as I stop, my body gives in to whatever illness is going around.
Good luck with ttc. Don't worry about the time aspect, or try to force it. It will happen and you're not old. I'm 41, due our first baby in 5 weeks, and fully intend on having another.

[scorpio1981]

My ex worked in the catering trade and it was full-on, all hours god sends, high days and holidays, split shifts and he never got home until after midnight. Whenever we had a 'holiday' he was ill. It was as if his body just saved it all up for time off and then hit him with a bug. It was awful and unsustainable. You simply cannot have a family life with someone who works so hard so any thoughts the op has of getting pregnant is unrealistic unless she are prepared to be a single mother because that's the reality of being with in this kind of relationship. So don't be disappointed the weekend away didn't work out the way you planned. He can't help it and this is the way its going to be unless he changes his career/lifestyle.

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

Thanks for all the replies. I am not too impressed with people telling me I shouldn't try to get pregnant tbh! We have planned to have a baby and we have discussed and planned for how it will work if we have one. I don't need advice on my family planning! Those who have said DH is probably just exhausted are right and I am feeling better now (although still pretty horny )

[SituationNormalAllFuctup]

I used to work thirteen days a row (including nights on call) and then have four days off. By the end of day one off I had flu-like symptoms and I would just about be well by the end of day four and hey-presto! Back to the 13 day rota again. I was supposed to do that job for six months cover but by four and a half months in, I was getting MH symptoms and agoraphobia so knocked it on the head.
It really is a thing this exhaustion/ work stopping/flu thing.

[hels71]

I sympathise! Every time we go away dh gets ill. Of course I understand its not is fault but it is very frustrating! When we ttc we booked a few days away and he went down with a bug...I did cry I have to say!

[Somehowsomewhere]

Almost the exact same thing happened to us a few years ago, except we'd paid over £1000 for flights and a posh hotel in Paris. We couldn't have a proper holiday that year for various reasons so spent all our money on a long weekend in Paris. We got there, DH was fine for a couple of hours then spent the whole time ill in bed with norovirus! It's shit, and i don't blame you for feeling cross about it.
I don't think people are telling you not to TTC, just to consider the fact that if you never see him now then it might be tough with a young baby. If you've got a plan in place then great.
Hope you manage to salvage something from the weekend.

[NotYoda]

I wasn't telling you not to get pregnant, I was advising you to think about your DH's work patterns in the light of not even seeing much of him now,