Tell me IABU! DH is ill and I'm so annoyed and sad

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

I know I am being massively U here but need to be told! Basically my DH and I never spend much proper time together because he works very long hours and is exhausted when he gets home. On Monday we had a chat about this and decided we would treat ourselves to a weekend in a fancy hotel to reconnect. What's more, we are TTC and I'm in my fertile period at the moment. Great plan right?

The weekend is now here, we've spent one of our two nights in the hotel (8 hours ahead of the UK here) but DH came down with a weird flu type thing yesterday. He was asleep in the hotel bed by 8.30pm last night. This morning he tried really hard, said he felt better, came down to breakfast but has had to admit defeat and has gone back to bed, aching and shivering :( I'm currently on my way to get him some paracetamol.

I have only been understanding with poorly DH of course, but internally I'm so disappointed and upset :( it feels like such a waste and we were so looking forward to it! I can't help feeling annoyed with DH even though I know it isn't his fault. Please tell me I'm being U to feel like this!

[Bubbinsmakesthree]

I remember our first holiday when DS was 5 months old - I was desperately looking forward to both the family time and being able share the load a bit (we were in the middle of a sleep regression and I was exhausted from the night waking).

DH came down with a horrific cold on day 1 - I spent the first half of the holiday doing everything single handed, buying him all the cough and cold remedies under the sun whilst he was in bed.

Then of course I catch the cold, can't take any of the drugs and still have to deal with most of the night wakings because I am BFing.

Of course none of this was his fault but I wanted to KILL him!

[sabzii]

How horrible for you!

I would tuck him up, make a big fuss of him, give him some co-codamol, leave him to nap for a bit (can you go to the hotel spa for few hours?) then come back and gently seduce him! Maybe dress up and make it into a roleplay, where he doesn't need to expend much energy.

My DH finds the above hard to resist even when ill/injured!

[cowgirlsareforever]

In the nicest possible way I would say grow up.
When you have a child you'll find that your plans will be disrupted all the time. We had to cancel a much needed break recently because a dc was unwell. I was disappointed as we all really needed a break due to having had a busy time at work and school but there was nothing that we could do to change it. Getting angry and upset and feeling unfairly done by is a waste of energy.

[Ineedmorelemonpledge]

Gosh please don't try and engage in anything sexual until you are sure he is actually better and feeling completely ok with it.

Can you imagine the reverse thread where a woman was feeling ill and a man was upset at the thought of not having sex on a weekend away.... Would we be encouraging him to gently goad them into sex? Would we be just telling the woman to lie back and get it over with?

FFS.

Just take care of him until he's completely recovered. Your chances will come.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Rotten timing but he wasn't ill on purpose. There will be other opportunities and disappointing as it is you have rallied and I think you are sounding better now than at the start of your thread.

That article on leisure sickness was interesting. My Dad used to work hard all week and often had a thumping headache on the Saturday.

We went on a romantic weekend trip to Wales before DCs and I was queasy from the moment we walked through the inn door. So much for our getaway!

[sabzii]

Gosh please don't try and engage in anything sexual until you are sure he is actually better and feeling completely ok with it

I wasn't saying put pressure on him, more don't give up hope! After a nap and some painkillers he might be feeling much better.
IME men are often up for sex when they're down/ill/stressed/tired, as a way of making themselves feel better.

If he's still feeling ill in a few hours I'd go to the spa/gym/restaurant and give him some space.

[MumW]

What a shame, but these things happen. Make sure DH is comfortable. Leave him to sleep and go and find something you can do on your own whilst checking up on him from time to time.

Of course you are NBU to feel disappointed. I know it's not the break you planned but accept the situation you find yourself in and you can still salvage something.

Enjoy the fact that you haven't got to cook or wash the sheets then take a book and find a nice spot, book yourself a spa treatment, go for a walk or whatever. I'm sure DH won't mind you leaving him for a bit.

If DH can manage to get up for a bit this evening, maybe housekeeping can change the bed sheets before you go to bed.

[BarbarianMum]

People are not saying don't have a baby. They are warning you both that having a baby is more stressful and exhausting than you could ever imagine and that going into it with a husband who is currently working himself into the ground is a recipe for disaster.

You are free to ignore this advice but I would strongly suggest you to have a serious discussion with him (when he's well again), as to how his work life will change when you have children. Or you can learn the hard way - lots of us did.

[SleepFreeZone]

I think it's the losing a month TTC that's probably making you feeling frustrated. I totally get you and at one point I'm ashamed to say I pretty much forced myself on DP in my fertile window as I was SO desperate to conceive again after miscarriage and he had promised me he wouldn't fall asleep and of course he did 🙄

Massive hugs to you and I promise you have time (DS1 conceived at 37, three miscarriages then my miracle DS2 born at 40) 💐💐💐

[Mummyoflittledragon]

What Barbarianmum said is very wise. You'll likely not believe her/us until the child is born. Truthfully, I don't think as many children would be born if the parents - particularly the mothers - really got how life changing having a child is for us. Bringing a child up near as darn alone and being an older parent, both which you will be doing, is incredibly tough.

[RiverdaleJughead]

Me and my DP are long distance rn, and when we meet up ( once a month or so because he's working in Holland) either he is ill, I am ill or I have a horrific period. I had this weird flu last weekend when I flew out to see him - it was gone by Monday lol but only just x shit happens , take him home x

[FeliciaJollygoodfellow]

YANBU. It's a well known phenomenon that illness strikes at the weekend - especially after stressful periods. As soon as you relax, you get ill. I'm a weekend headache type of person.

Nobody's fault but YANBU to be disappointed and upset.

[Lweji]

I never say this, but does the hotel have a spa? Or is there one nearby?
Otherwise, take some time for leisurely shopping, or read a book (possibly to him, if he can stand it).

I don't think it's healthy that you resent him for being ill. It's just bad luck.
But it feels like it's your resentment at his working hours surfacing now. Don't minimise it. It's a symptom that things are not working well as they are.

So, I do think you should both agree to set aside time to relax and be together regularly, and forget his job.
And no matter how much he loves it, he should also feel the need to spend time with you. You should be worth more than any job.

[Euripidesralph]

Good lord of I could jump as far as some people on this thread had to conclusions I'd win the bloody Olympics

OP I'm sorry it's very frustrating and of course you going to feel a bit cheated....you've been really clear you're looking after him , you know it's not his fault it's really ok to be annoyed at the situation

I really don't see how this one post means they shouldn't ttc. ...for goodness sakes life is hard sometimes you can't stop moving forward because he works long hours there is rarely the perfect time to ttc and I've seen friends wait for it and miss their chance

OK this month is frustrating but no reason to stop for good

I also don't see anywhere the op has said she will remotely put pressure on her dh to have sex do people just read what they want to read????

My ex dh used to get ill often (of course in his case it later tured out to be faked after I'd been ill because he deserved a bit of break ....not suggesting for a second your dh is like that)

[RiversrunWoodville]

Oh god op are you married to my DH? He always manages to get ill at the worst possible times (not often but always ill timed) and I could murder him but have to settle for tea and sympathy instead

[Originalfoogirl]

I did a similar thread like this a while back and was royally roasted for being selfish and unsympathetic.

I get where you are coming from because this has happened to me so many times. 4 years TTC and inevitably life gets in the way on the only two days which count. Illness, visitors, lack of sleep. It is hugely irritating!

So, yes, YABU. You probably know that. But I can't blame you for your momentary irritation. Hopefully getting it off your chest rant has helped and you can salvage the weekend. If he's sleeping, can you do some retail therapy to cheer you up? I don't suppose there is a pool or spa you can go to?

[Titsywoo]

Whenever my DH has been working too hard (most of the time!) the moment he relaxes he gets sick. I'm very used to xmases, holidays etc being ruined by it. He needs to try and slow down. My DH never will though - he loves it too much!

[MotherFuckingChainsaw]

Oops

It's usually me that gets ill on weekends and holidays. I'm bloody renowned for it. DH gets very grumpy and takes it personally. So I feel shit AND. Bad for spoiling things.

Usually it's just a 'weekend migraine ' which is a Thing if you Google it. Though my finest hour (not) was being hospitalised with mystery gastrointestinal symptoms on the eve of a long awaited long haul 'destination ' holiday. We didn't go. I was not flavour of the month.

[DJBaggySmalls]

Its ok to feel upset and disappointed when things go wrong. You're not blaming him, you know its not his fault and you're not taking it out on him.

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

Thanks for all the replies. DH is a bit better, we've managed to watch a film together, and just ordered room service :)

[Ineedmorelemonpledge]

I also don't see anywhere the op has said she will remotely put pressure on her dh to have sex do people just read what they want to read????

No one said that it was the OP pressuring for sex. I was referring to other advice given, jokingly or otherwise from other posters...

come back and gently seduce him! Maybe dress up and make it into a roleplay, where he doesn't need to expend much energy.

(Surely he can just lie back and think of England, right??? I'm joking, I'm joking, I'm joking).

[Yoksha]

This used to happen with my Dh. It's like his body knew he'd be on holiday/break & then it would crash. Reading your post and reflecting has me feeling sad that it's how I felt.

He took early retirement at 53 due to "burn out" Going on holiday now is a different experience.

Your disappointed OP. He probably feels crap he's ill IYKWIM.

[DuvetCaterpillar]

Sympathies OP, but these things happen and it's no one's fault. You can still build up that closeness though - why don't you read aloud to him? Sounds bonkers, but my husband got horrible food poisoning one holiday years ago, so I jumped under the duvet with him, scooped him into the crook of my arm and read him a couple of PG Wodehouse short stories. Years later, that's one of our favorite memories of the trip!