Am I being a heartless b*t@h

[Mousedl1]

So back story DH did not get on with mother would say hi if he saw her at his DS but would never visit her and she wasn't allowed contact with our DC. This is our 7th year together and he hasn't seen her on Mother's Day for the last 6. We'll MIL died suddenly last year at a youngish age.
Last week DH told me to make sure I wasn't working Mother's Day as he has something special planned, so I got rather excited and dreaming like things like a lay in and dinner cooked for me 😂
Tonight SIL turned up and the 'something special' is they are going to MIL grave then to visit dad (he is not DH dad and they used to have an awful relationship) in his care home then out for a family meal! Grave is 1 1/2 hours away the care home a further half hour. So he wanted me off work to be at home alone with 3 DC while he goes out with DS's and there children/ partners for the day.
I really struggle with the whole fact of not seeing when they are alive but moping once they die, death doesn't suddenly make them a nice person! I am also annoyed me and DC where it invited as his DS doesn't like driving far so needs to go in his car with him so as the mother of his children my Mother's Day is the same as every other day of the year! Then he sulked and called me a selfish bitch when I said I am not staying in all day and will take DC to the zoo and a picnic

The OP doesn't seem to be very supportive of her husband's grief. Regardless of the staying at home thing.

I'd think my DP was a selfish arse if he didn't offer any understanding of my grief.

Wading in....

Calling you names is inexcusable. But if you love your OH, personally I would excuse him giving what he's dealing with in terms of his grief and loss. When you lose a crap parent, you mourn what might have been and never now will happen as well as the loss. That is very, very sad, and needs some working through. So whilst I'm not excusing the comment, I would urge you to cut him some slack.

Moused1 from your most recent post, you actually sound more angry with his sister than you are with your OH. Please do think about that.

Some PPs agree with me, and lots don't, but I honestly think Mother's Day is a ridiculous construct (I feel the same about Valentines). HONESTLY - love and appreciate someone because you love and appreciate them, NOT because a card company has all these cards printed (and all the flowers are twice the price!)

So in your position I would:
Overlook the comment (although, because I'm a PA bitch, I might bring it up at a later date)
Paste on a smile and let him and his sister go and do their thing.
Have the best day I could while they're off doing it.
Have a 'banker' which he knows he owes you.
Feel very sorry for him for the lack of relationship, and give him lots of love and support over that.

Maybe he feels he needs to look after his sister / they need to stick together if they went through some crazy shit when they were kids . Which you should admire him for rather than resent ?

I think your husband is letting out his frustration, unfairly, on you. When in similar situations, I normally write a very polite and empathetic letter to my SO sharing my feelings on the situation and letting them know where my upset lies. In return, he will either write me a letter too or talk to me about his side of the disagreement. It sounds like there's been some communication difficulties regarding this very difficult situation and I wish you the best in resolving them.

With regards to the zoo, your husband has no mandate to make you stay inside with the children just because of his own issues. He needs to understand you as a valued partner, and needs to understand that his children would love to spend time with their mother at the zoo rather than being cooped up at home. Children understand a lot, and they will definitely pick up on your frustration if you're stuck indoors just because your husband doesn't know how to process his emotions in a mature manner.

Mousedl1 I am sorry your dh had a shit relationship with his parents. And that he lost his mum and perhaps now feels he has no chance to make things right.

I fear that it is potentially this that has made him think it is reasonable to call you a selfish bitch and expect to dictate what you do, as a mother, on Mothering Sunday!

Whether Mothers' Day is important for you is totally up to you. It is important to me. As is Valentine's Day. And it doesn't matter why it is important to you.

I think your dh has to work out some things to do with the loss of his mum and the only thing I could recommend is some bereavement counselling.

I do fear potentially you will also need some relationship counselling, unless this is really an isolated incident.

As far as the day trip goes it does sound (sorry) very grim. Taking young children to an old people's home, especially of an old person they do not know, could be quite tricky.

I really feel he is wrong to leave you out of a family event like this but maybe this is the best way for him to cope with it.

When my husband's grandmother died he chose to go to the funeral without me, or our kids, for a variety of reasons. I did feel a bit left out but recognised it was absolutely the best thing. Had our kids been there he would have had to deal with them and their emotions and as this was the first death he had had to deal with as an adult (as far as I am aware) I did feel it was right.

So in your shoes I would cut him some slack that he is choosing to do this without you.

I would feel very upset by his comment about me.

I would absolutely not want him to plan what I could do on one of my rare days off.

You may feel angry with your SIL but to be honest, as someone who has lost two parents in the last 12 years, it does have a very bonding effect between siblings IMHO. Much as husbands and wives try and understand, they are just not as connected to the lost person. Even if the loss is one built around a sad/negative/unpleasant experience, it is something that maybe your husband and his sister share.

Good luck.

He arranged a "surprise" for mothers day and the surprise was that OP gets to stay home while he has a family gathering. And when she said she'd take the kid to the zoo he called her selfish.

Why are people defending this guy? He gaslighted her and he's controlling. What can't they go to the zoo while he's out on this undiscussed family event - oh because he might want to go himself sometime.

I don't think this sounds like grief. It's a very weird dynamic.

RhiWrites exactly.

Thanks everyone.
While I am prob angry I can say I have supported him no end through losing his mother, picked up the pieces and accepted the worst Christmas ever with me doing everything and him being depressed so with him starting to get better I sort of thought finally I would get my life back and this sort of behaviour would stop. I also had a particularly had year last year losing someone close and serious illness resulting in a long hospital stay teamed with a seriously ill mother who ended up needing her spine rebuilt. I also suffer with depression and maybe ultimately I am sick of doing everything and always thinking of his needs when mine clearly are not ever considered even on the one day I thought they would be.

YANBU no doubt he's going through a difficult time but that doesn't give him the right to treat his wife as an emotional punch bag. She's excluded from the family day out despite the fact that the sister is bringing her DC, then on top of that she's expected to spend a rare weekend at home with the kids waiting in for the entire day and is called names when she has her own ideas of how she wants to spend mothers day.

I also agree with Rhi surely he deliberately misled her by saying he had organised "something special" for mother's day. He could have just explained that this trip was important to him and he'd give her a mother's day celebration some other time. Lying about it was manipulative and cruel. There is also no excuse for expecting her and the kids to hang around doing nothing at home. It won't affect him or his trip at all for them to have a nice day.

Grief is NOT a get out of jail free card. Most of us have experienced it. Doesnt mean we can treat anyone else like shit. And tbh people who have no time for relatives when they are alive and act all upset when theyre dead do come across as hypocritical. Surprised that this man is being defended

I can get the entire grief and wanting to spend more time supporting the family he did get along with - they're grieving also and TBH that is commendable. His DMs death may have spurred him on to wanting to tighten those bonds.

But then that's at odds with having a family thing without his DW and DC, and also wanting their lives to be put on hold whilst he's off with the rest of his family.