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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I being a heartless b*t@h

62 replies

Mousedl1 · 03/03/2017 21:33

So back story DH did not get on with mother would say hi if he saw her at his DS but would never visit her and she wasn't allowed contact with our DC. This is our 7th year together and he hasn't seen her on Mother's Day for the last 6. We'll MIL died suddenly last year at a youngish age.
Last week DH told me to make sure I wasn't working Mother's Day as he has something special planned, so I got rather excited and dreaming like things like a lay in and dinner cooked for me 😂
Tonight SIL turned up and the 'something special' is they are going to MIL grave then to visit dad (he is not DH dad and they used to have an awful relationship) in his care home then out for a family meal! Grave is 1 1/2 hours away the care home a further half hour. So he wanted me off work to be at home alone with 3 DC while he goes out with DS's and there children/ partners for the day.
I really struggle with the whole fact of not seeing when they are alive but moping once they die, death doesn't suddenly make them a nice person! I am also annoyed me and DC where it invited as his DS doesn't like driving far so needs to go in his car with him so as the mother of his children my Mother's Day is the same as every other day of the year! Then he sulked and called me a selfish bitch when I said I am not staying in all day and will take DC to the zoo and a picnic

OP posts:
Original poster
Mousedl1 · 03/03/2017 22:15

He thinks I should wait for him to get home to celebrate Mother's Day - but by that point it will be late, he would of had a nice dinner out with his family and my children will be bored and going stir crazy. He also wanted to come to the zoo one weekend as I don't get many weekend off. He doesn't get that I am not spending one of my few weekends waiting for him to return, I will be enjoying my day with my DC and he chose that his sisters mother day was more important than mine. As she won't drive as it's mothers day so she shouldn't have to yet it's ok for me not to be invited and expected to wait at home

OP posts:
MadMags · 03/03/2017 22:18

He sounds like a right dickhead.

Sweets101 · 03/03/2017 22:18

Confused is he always such a twat?

HecateAntaia · 03/03/2017 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AllDaBoats · 03/03/2017 22:24

Could you drive in your car with the kids and follow them / I mean go with them or just meet them where ever they are having the meal if you don't want to drag the kids to the grave etc

gamerchick · 03/03/2017 22:24

So he wants to press pause on his current life while he goes and does this. So his doesn't miss a thing?

Fuck that, stick to you guns. He can't have it all his own way.

Aderyn2016 · 03/03/2017 22:29

Grief is not a 'get out of jail free' card when you behave like a prick.
Can't stand hypocrites. If he couldn't stand the sight of his mother when she was alive, he has no business moping about now.

I'd tell him to fuck right off.

Mum23Monsters · 03/03/2017 22:31

sigh I am going to look like a cow for saying this, but his mother isn't exactly going to know that they visited on mother's day could they not visit the grave just before or even after mother's day to leave flowers and have a family meal and then he could still spend mothers day with you and the kids. Or maybe ask him to pick up a takeaway for you and kids on his way home so then at least cooking is taken out of the picture. Failing that possibly agree that he celebrates mothers day with you on another day, because you are a mummy 365 days of the year, so does it really matter if the day he tells you he appreciates you isn't the one designated this year as "mothers day" Whatever happen's someone is going to be fed up and feel like the other person has taken priority.

OnHold · 03/03/2017 22:36

Grief comes in many forms. It absolutely is a get out of jail free card.

dowhatnow · 03/03/2017 22:36

So he's going all out to make sure his sister has a nice mothers day but he's not interested in you having a nice mothers day. Not only that, then he expects you to use up a precious days holiday to enable him to give his sister her nice day. Not only that, you are then not allowed to use your precious day off by actually going out to make the best of it with your dc's because he can't be there with you.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.!!! Angry

MiddleClassProblem · 03/03/2017 22:40

Having abusive parents is such a complex thing. I can totally understand why he needs to do this now to put things to rest, to be close with DSis, to see F. It's hard hating and loving at the same time and feeling that the people that were supposed to loved you unconditionally didn't. I would give him a break. I would think he didn't invite you because 1) space (but maybe he could drive her car if insured) 2) that you didn't like either of his parents so would t want to be there on Mother's Day 3) might want to talk about her in ways you may not understand.

Calling you a selfish bitch isn't nice. He probably feels unsupported and that you just want Mother's Day your way rather than listening to what you're actually saying. It's only him doing what he needs to do, you have the kids for Mother's Day. And it's just one Mother's Day. And it's just Mother's Day.

can't believe someone said they would end a marriage with kids over being called a selfish bitch

I think you just need to try and open him up and talk about what he's feeling rather than worrying about the day.

Original poster
Mousedl1 · 03/03/2017 22:40

While I don't agree with the whole not wanting to see or talk to to when they are alive then when they die acting like they were a saint it's his choice and that's ok. I think I am more pissed off
A) because it's Mother's Day his precious sister won't drive as she is a mummy and needs a rest - so he makes her happy by not inviting us
B) after major hip surgery I can drive by not for 2 hours which he knows so while I have my own car he knew if he drive his sister I couldn't go- not that we were invited anyway!
C) why can't he tell her to bloody drive the his family could come too
D) again tell his precious sister to drive visiting the grave early and get straight home they don't need to be at the grave together for crying out loud it's about paying respects personally (if that's what they want)
D) I am not a bloody toy if I want to take my children out I don't need permission

OP posts:
damnedgrubble · 03/03/2017 22:43

he's grieving what might have been, what should have been. Cut him some slack. My mother is dying, she lives a long way from us and we haven't had a relationship for years for various reasons and what makes me sad is all the missed opportunities and thoughts of what we should have shared but didn't.
He was unreasonable to call you selfish but he's probably hurting quite a bit.

MiddleClassProblem · 03/03/2017 22:47

I think you are looking at extremes if you think he thinks mil is now a saint since she passed. It doesn't sound like you understand what he's going through at all. He wouldn't he want to go with his sister and share some things? Talking to someone who was there at the time to process is not something you can do alone.

I think if you want to go you can only do so to be supportive. I think from the way you are talking you're really not and he might have seen that and so decided that it would be best if you didn't come.

If I were you I would plan a Mother's Day special on the Saturday for the family. Even better as you don't lose an hour with the clocks changing.

Nanny0gg · 03/03/2017 23:04

If I were you I would plan a Mother's Day special on the Saturday for the family.

Why should the OP plan a Mother's Day for the day before to include her husband who just called her a 'selfish bitch'? He should be doing that.

As it is she has organised a nice day on the actual day and he can sort himself out when he gets home.

OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 03/03/2017 23:07

Yeah no fuck that. Go to the zoo, you'll have a much nicer day than you would standing around a grave and wailing with an arsehole who calls you a selfish bitch.

MiddleClassProblem · 03/03/2017 23:09

I'm not saying she can't do that. It sounded like she didn't want to. I was suggesting having 2 if it means that much to her.

OnHold · 03/03/2017 23:14

Wailing around a grave? Fuck me is it wrong for him to grieve for his mother?

Is it because she's a MiL?

Foxysoxy01 · 03/03/2017 23:15

Why are you married to someone that thinks it's ok to call you s selfish bitch?

I don't care a shit of he is grieving that doesn't give him a get off scot free card to be verbally absive to his wife.

I would be having massive issues with my DH calling me a selfish bitch it would upset me enough to at least be spending some time apart and seeing if he sorted his shitty attitude out.

OnHold · 03/03/2017 23:16

I'd have massive issues with someone who wouldn't let me grieve in my own way.

gamerchick · 03/03/2017 23:17

Oh good grief onhold would you keep your kids cooped up all day when ordered so someone can go grieve?

You just don't! Yes arrange a day, go face your demons or whatever but you don't order bairns to inprison themselves practically in the meantime. Why does his wants trump his kids needs?

OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 03/03/2017 23:26

No but it's wrong for him to order his wife to stay at home so that he doesn't miss out on any fun.

He has the right to grieve however he wants, OP has the right to tell him to take a running jump if he calls her a selfish bitch for not spending all day cooped up inside when she could be having a nice day out with the little ones.

MiddleClassProblem · 03/03/2017 23:31

Yes... I'm not entirely sure there wasn't more going on or that his comment was directed at her taking the kids to the zoo as it doesn't make sense. Maybe I'm reading too much into it but from how all the OPs posts read she is less than supportive so I'm assuming that came across in their discussion. He's wrong for saying it but I think it's a different context.

DoloresTheRunawayTrain · 03/03/2017 23:36

OnHold the OP isn't stopping any part of her H grieving in his own way. He's going to the cemetery, he's going to the care home, he's going for the lunch and he's driving his sister and her children. That isn't what the OP is objecting to. What she is objecting to, is being expected to sit at home with the children, doing nothing until he returns home and then being called names when she states she may as well take them on a day out seeing as all this will take up the whole day anyway. Zoos don't stay open forever and they would both probably be back within an hour or so of each other (what with the 2 hour travel staying for approx 30 mins at the grave and 1 hour at the home, then allow 2 hours for lunch and at least an hour and a half home). Even if the Ops DH left at 9 am I don't see him getting back much before 5 pm, by which time at this time of year the zoo is closing as well.
YANBU to not expect to be called names. People get weird when grieving and often behave badly, doesn't mean the rest of us should lie down and take it, we just address it in a slightly gentler fashion than all guns blazing, whilst pointing out they are sitting in a box of frogs.

MiddleClassProblem · 03/03/2017 23:41

Op lists 5 things she's more pissed off about than the treating mil like a saint. Only one of those things is about the day with the kids on her own. The rest are all about his plans with his sister.