to move my daughter to a local school because she won't get out of bed in the morning?

[papayasareyum]

She's 14.
She loves school and has lots of friends there. We decided to send her to a village school which is 11 miles away. It's a lovely small high school with excellent results and reputation, unlike the large local high school. She has to get a school bus just before 8 in the morning. She just won't get up though without constant nagging, bribing, cajoling, arguing and then screaming. She calls me names and is generally horrible. (Her behaviour lately is shocking: name calling, mean to her sisters and zero respect)
If she misses the bus, there's no other way to get to school. So I end up driving her. It's a 60 minute round trip! I work from home, but have seen a few tempting jobs recently and not bothered applying because I know that the regular occasions I have to drive a stroppy 14 year old to school will piss off any employer as it will make me late for work.
She's in year 9, so I could move her to our local school, which is a 10 minute walk from home. If she refuses to get up, she'll be late. But no need to drive her in. (she's not bothered on the occasions I can't or won't drive her in, attendance doesn't bother her)
Do I move her? Would that be unreasonable? I'm sick of the impact that her screaming and refusing to be up in time has on the rest of us. It's averaging at about 3 times a week. Every week. I'm drained. She doesn't want to move to the new school, but I'm not sure I can cope with another 2.5 years of this before and finishes school and year 9 is the last opportunity to move her before GCSEs.
I've threatened to move her and she just says that she'll refuse to go and we can't make her!

[Anon1234567890]

Get her a bicycle and leave it up to her, the bus will seem a lot more appealing then.
My first thought was electronics in the bedroom and staying up late is causing the issues. That probably needs sorted first.

[unfortunateevents]

If she won't get up for the bus, she is unlikely to cycle 11 miles though, is she? If the route is even practical to cycle?

[DreamingOfADifferentMe]

Oh OP, I feel for you. Like you, DC1 aged 15 has to get up and get himself out of the house ready to catch the only bus at 7.35. If he misses it, that's it, one of us has to drive him to school. We work from home, and the return trip is only 40 mins but it's still a chunk out of the day you weren't expecting. Having said that, he's missed the bus once in five years and was hugely apologetic, and hasn't done it again despite how shattered he sometimes is, getting up at 6.45 to ensure he's out the door by 7.25.

I'd say there's a bigger issue here - her behaviour to you and her sisters. It sounds like she's going through the 'the world owes me a living' phase that teenagers often go through but with more venom. To be so ride to you, name calling and so on, is simply not on. I'd say if you can tackle that, you'll be able to deal with the refusal to get up, but right now, she's getting to rule the roost and that's just not right. Tricky to know the right approach - my kids respond far more if I'm obviously upset about something they've done than if I yell in anger. I'd start by sitting her down, explaining what's going on and how it's making you feel and why it's not acceptable. Set out some ground rules - no name calling, more respect, getting up by a set time. If she doesn't, the first strike is she loses her phone for the rest of that day. Second strike is that she loses it for two days, third strike, it's gone for a week. If she's not glued to her phone, try something else she loves - her TV, Xbox, books, hobbies whatever.

It's difficult, but there has to be serious enforceable repercussions for the way she's behaving. Good luck OP.

[Bantanddec]

Tell her unless she gets her act together, you'll have to move her school, it'll make her think twice about getting up late!

[maddiemookins16mum]

God no, don't move her. Moving schools at that age is horrendous (I speak from experience). It could make things a whole lot worse in other aspects.

[AndNowItsSeven]

Just before 8! My dd leaves at 7.05 school starts at 8.30 but she likes to get there just before 8 to have breakfast there.
Don't move your dd she just needs to be woken earlier approx 6 -6.30 if necessary.

[harderandharder2breathe]

I get the train to work every day, if I knew there was someone who would drive me in if I was late of course I'd be late more often! To her, why on earth should she get up earlier if her mum will drive her? Currently it sounds like there's no consequences at all, so of course she does the lazy thing!

There needs to be consequences every time she misses the bus. Gadgets and money taken away.

Talk to her and make it clear that you will move her if this continues. Set a limit and stick to it (e.g. if she misses the bus three more times before Easter she's being moved)

[TeenAndTween]

How about a CD player outside her bedroom on a timer playing some really loud uncool music? She'd have to get out of bed to turn it off?

[Obsidian77]

Teenagers can certainly be stroppy and lazy but there is evidence that their body clocks are out of synch with the expectations of the adult world and they do naturally go to sleep and wake much later.
If she is genuinely too exhausted you could consider moving her but the problem might not be that much better at your local school although you wouldn't have to waste so much of your time.

[Spudlet]

Has she got a bike? Get it serviced and get her a helmet, lights, chain and hi viz. Then stand firm and do not drive her. If it's that or dealing with the consequences of truancy, she'll have to get on with it.

[missymayhemsmum]

Talk to her when she is calm and you are not in a hurry. Describe the situation as you see it. She has to go to school. Neither you nor she has the power to change the school day/ lay on extra buses. You have to work, and are planning to get a job, so driving her to school regularly is not an option. She doesn't want to change schools. She is unhappy in the morning and is finding it hard to get up. Discuss the stuff about teenagers needing extra sleep, screens interrupting sleep, etc, and suggest that being tired may be causing her bad behaviour, which is out of character, as you know that the stroppy cow persona isn't the real dd.
Ask what her solution is to the situation, and what support she needs from you?
Make it clear that she is the owner of the problem, and that you want to help her solve it (but are not offering regular lifts and are not prepared to be treated like shit every morning)

Oh and point out that education is a privilege and that a lot of teenagers around the world walk a lot further than 11 miles to school. If she doesn't engage don't get angry, after all it's her problem, not yours!

[MumW]

Moving schools is a big disruption. I think I would contact whoever is responsible for pastoral care for DD's year and ask for some advice/help. It might also be worth talking to your gp although it is most likely just typical teenager but better to be safe than sorry.

[Kiroro]

but there is evidence that their body clocks are out of synch with the expectations of the adult world and they do naturally go to sleep and wake much later

There is loads of evidence - but unfortunately the school day isn;t changing so the DD is going to have to manage this.

[JaneEyre70]

At the moment, she has no consequences for getting out of bed late, and as a mum of 3 DDs, I would also imagine she's far happier with you taking her in the car than her getting the bus...........!! You need to warn the school that you're struggling with her lateness and let her miss the bus a few times. She'll soon learn the hard way when she gets into bother for it, and you're not there to pick up the pieces. I'd also remove her phone for 24 hours if she's late, or some other action so she realises that it isn't on. She has to learn responsibility for herself and at the moment, you're really not helping with that no matter how well intentioned. I'd also make sure that phones/ipads/tv is turned off at a set time every night ie 10pm so she's not staying awake until the early hours. I had a basket on the landing that mine had to put gadgets into despite any protests.

[MatildaTheCat]

She's behaving really badly but it is a real 'thing' that teens are out of sync with sleep patterns and school start times. We have a school nearby that starts much later each morning and finishes later.

That said, you need practical solutions and she needs to agree some groundrules if she doesn't want to change schools.

1. Tantrum equals consequence. Always.
   
2. It is HER responsibility to get to the bus on time. Not yours.
   
3. Agree a bedtime during the week and remove screens, especially if she is using excessively.
   
4. Could you offer her a lift on Friday if she has been polite and on time all week?
   
5. Buy her a Lumie clock (Amazon). The light comes on gradually in the morning with Fabio, birdsong waves etc to give a natural and gentle start to the day and boost serotonin. It has a bedtime equivalent.
   
6. Open her curtains so the morning light comes in when it's light enough.
   
7. Drink wine. She won't be 14 forever.

[MatildaTheCat]

Lumie comes on in the morning with radio* or birdsong etc.

[papayasareyum]

I'm going to print out that list Matilda, thankyou! And I'm already doing number 7 with a vengeance! Thanks to everyone else also, some wonderful advice. Much appreciated!

[Wolfiefan]

So what consequences is she facing at the moment? I'm guessing none!

[papayasareyum]

Wolfie, it's a constant battle. There are plenty of consequences, but she can argue for hours. The other night when we took her iPad away, she argued with us for 8 hours solid! She was mostly talking to herself, but she's relentless

[PuddleJumper01]

Blimey, you wait (read through) 2 pages to suggest getting a bike and then 3 posts come along at once....

I would talk to her and get her to be part of the solution, and agree with pp's - no tech after (say) 9pm.

It would be a shame to move her if she's got good friendship groups.

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

I think you have the right idea to use consequences for her bad behaviour in the mornings, but there are smaller more regular things you can do rather than think one big ultimatum or moving school will solve your problems. Teenage DC are hard work, sounds like she needs more boundaries and consequences generally.
As do mine I think

[EssieTregowan]

Funnily enough DS (also 14) missed his bus the other day because he just didn't get up in time. He was most put out when I said I wouldn't phone his grandfather for a lift (ffs). I don't drive.

He had to get two busses and do a twenty minute walk to school. He won't be doing that again.

[angeldelightedme]

Annoying though this problem is, it is wonderful that she enjoys school and 100x better that having a 14 yo school refuser which is what you might end up with if she moves school.

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

I think a bike is a great idea, 11 miles is just the right distance to be a serious inconvenience too her, a real effort, but do-able, even if it does also make her late.