AIBU? I don't seem to understand playdates etc? Can anyone explain what the etiquette is?

[nat73]

AIBU?

When I was primary aged I had playdates and you invited people round and they invited you back. When I had parties I invited my friends and they invited me back.

DC1 is very sociable and every year we have had a party with about 15 guests (mostly from school)and she and the other kids enjoy themselves. It seems not everyone has a party but even those who do we don't always get invited. Typically in a year DC1 gets 3-4 party invites. How does this work? Where have all the parties gone?

Then for the playdates.. we have another family we are good friends with and we have done various stuff to help them out over time (DIY, finding jobs, giving their kids lifts etc). This weekend we'd agreed we would meet up with the kids. When I mentioned it to the Mum this morning she said she'd organised playdates with friends (but not us!). So they are not free this weekend. This is about the 3rd time this has happened.

I am getting really hacked off. We have left tomorrow free to hang out with these people and they have organised something else.... (no apology just told us it wasn't happening)... child's birthday last year they went on a 'treat' so only a small number of chums invited but our child was not. DC explained to me some months later that though they are best friends because we see alot of them the child thought she better invite other people.

Am I missing something? Do I lack emotional intelligence? Is this normal and I making too much of it? Should I ask if our kids have fallen out? I do not want to draw DC1's attention to it. DC1 is well behaved so its not like she's a handful for people!?

It just seems a bit sh!t to me!

I think the whole thing is shit and AmericanisEd. How about family time. Do kids not socialise with real friends anymore?

I would say they are slowly backing off. Do you think they might feel you see too much of each other? Leave the ball in their court and wait for them to contact you

Am I the only one who gets pissed off with all the abbreviations? Ok I know what DD, DS, MIL etc are but really I can't work out what the fuck OP is!!!! Please enlighten someone!!!! Loving some of the new swear words I'm learning on here though! Cuntweasel being my favourite 😂😂😂😂😂

OP = original post/poster

Some people might be receiving more invitations than they can handle in reverse. They might not want to say no to an invitation because of this as it's hard to say no without hurting feelings.

Kids socialise casually with friends in America, you know.

Playdates are done because not everyone in school with your children lives around the corner. Not everyone is going to be home all afternoon everyday either. Many children go to a CM or relative after school. Many do after school activities.

Actually, the only out and out organised 'playdates' I ever did in America were with expat families. The rest of the time I would be assailed when I went to pick up the DCs from school with requests from one or more of my children and their beaming little friends - 'Can X come over to play today?' and it would be up to me and X's mother to decide right there on the spot. As the afternoon wore on the request for a sleepover would often be made too, and if this was ok by me then I would phone the other parents to run it by them. They would drop off pajamas and toothbrush later.

Sometimes I would get the younger DCs all togged out for school pick up in snowy weather, arrive at the school and end up waving off the child I had gone to pick up. I often wished the after-school playing had been more organised in advance, especially if I had woken a baby or toddler to get to the school on time for pick up but returned empty handed.

I think when you are a working parent a) it's difficult to arrange play dates and b) hard to keep a tally of who you might "owe" them to, because frankly, there are other priorities on life. With parties, DD2's last one was only for ten people so we can't invite everyone that might have invited her to their parties.

Also my DDs play out in the street with their friends and make their own arrangements so play dates aren't really required as such. We have friends round for tea every now and then, but not often.

Jeanne that's hilarious - "I think the whole thing is shit and Americanised" you say (presumably about the newish term "playdate" and its associated angst) but then you segue seamlessly into "how about family time"

The much trotted out phrase "family time" (or even worse sometimes "precious family time" ) came into use at about the same time as "playdate" didn't it? Or is that my imagination?

Did anyone's parents go on about "family time" in the 60s, 70s or 80s?

It's certainly a phrase I've only heard this decade and something I've really only heard people angsting over on MN.

I do agree though that kids should be allowed to play with their "real" friends (as in the ones they spontaneously ask to invite over) not have their parents overly controlling who they play with.

I wouldn't worry too much about the reduced number invites as some people prefer smaller parties. It's good the ur dd is invited to some and that she's sociable and well behaved.
As for the friends who keep cancelling , I think u need to move on. I've had this and it hurts! I was handy for school runs and holding play dates but not for meeting up. I said nothing just moved on and I do still allow our kids to meet up and enjoy each others company but I don't expect anything in return and I have limited my availability for school runs etc too.
I used to feel used but I had to toughen up and move on.

Reception year/P1 was all whole class parties, so you'll get loads of invites and some clashes and people having to reschedule. The kids haven't really settled into social groups yet. In my experience then year one/P2 a few whole class parties but some all the boys/all the girls or child invites their best pals. It gets gradually smaller from there. If you're still inviting everyone to 8th birthday party and beyond then that explains it.

I didn't follow up playdate invites (as in vague, we'll have to have you over some time) when I worked full time as I knew it would be well nigh impossible to reciprocate. Other people might not think that way, accept the offer and then they can't have your kid over after school because they're at work.

Now DS is 8 and I am at home after school some days but the week is rammed. There after school activities 3 nights per week, homework to do, the GP's like to have him after school once every week or two and it would be nice to just chill sometimes. We have started doing Saturday afternoon playdates - it's the only gap left!

Also DS can be a handful so I'd be careful which child I initiate this with! One family we meet up with we only ever meet outdoors and not for too long. It's for the best all round.