AIBU? I don't seem to understand playdates etc? Can anyone explain what the etiquette is?

[nat73]

AIBU?

When I was primary aged I had playdates and you invited people round and they invited you back. When I had parties I invited my friends and they invited me back.

DC1 is very sociable and every year we have had a party with about 15 guests (mostly from school)and she and the other kids enjoy themselves. It seems not everyone has a party but even those who do we don't always get invited. Typically in a year DC1 gets 3-4 party invites. How does this work? Where have all the parties gone?

Then for the playdates.. we have another family we are good friends with and we have done various stuff to help them out over time (DIY, finding jobs, giving their kids lifts etc). This weekend we'd agreed we would meet up with the kids. When I mentioned it to the Mum this morning she said she'd organised playdates with friends (but not us!). So they are not free this weekend. This is about the 3rd time this has happened.

I am getting really hacked off. We have left tomorrow free to hang out with these people and they have organised something else.... (no apology just told us it wasn't happening)... child's birthday last year they went on a 'treat' so only a small number of chums invited but our child was not. DC explained to me some months later that though they are best friends because we see alot of them the child thought she better invite other people.

Am I missing something? Do I lack emotional intelligence? Is this normal and I making too much of it? Should I ask if our kids have fallen out? I do not want to draw DC1's attention to it. DC1 is well behaved so its not like she's a handful for people!?

It just seems a bit sh!t to me!

Please don't take this the wrong way but do you have a similar house to these people?

I know of instances where if you are significantly different..bigger house/smaller flat/lots of pets/smells of pets (may be not discernible to the householder)/hoarder/very unclean/ultra showhome/in the popular clique/not in the popular clique for example, then this should not but unfortunately often does have an impact on whether your dc will be invited back for play dates with certain people.

Your best bet is to take a backseat role, let your dc do the picking, just one on one, and encourage friendships outside this set up, with after school activities or hobbies as the last thing you need is to come across as anxious or needy. Try and keep everything light hearted and try not to be so invested.

Good luck op

This can feel like such an issue when your children are too young to make their own arrangements. Having been round this particular track a couple of times I'd advice the following:

Have friends of your own (with or without children) that you invite over often - children need to see their parents interacting with their friends so that they understand what friendship is all about.
Sort out who your child's friends are and invite them over as often as you and the child want (and you can stand). My limit was one a week for each child. More than that trashed my head and my house. This should include friends from outside school - Brownies, church, football, whatever.
Make sure that your child goes to one activity a week they enjoy.

And then accept that there are some people who will 'get it' ie will reciprocate, will invite your child, will be kind and friendly and make an effort, BUT that there are lots who won't and don't. Ignore these people. It isn't you, it's them.

They will make all sorts of excuses - we are busy, I'm working, I have to do the shopping/MOT the car/visit my Mother. These are just excuses and the real reason is that they CBA. As your children grow older you will have to have less and less to do with the CBA type of people. Sadly your child may be upset along the way and sometimes so will you. Take a deep breath, have a cup of tea (or large glass of something) and put a mental black spot against their names.

They will make all sorts of excuses - we are busy, I'm working, I have to do the shopping/MOT the car/visit my Mother. These are just excuses and the real reason is that they CBA.

Or maybe they are actually busy....

I like the MOT the car! ;-)

Ask the other child round if that is what your DC would like. Do not make plans to hang out with them as a family. They are at best flaky and at worst using you.

I understand your feeling a bit baffled by this. I've experienced similiar and have felt hurt, both for myself and on my dcs' behalves. But in hindsight now my dcs are teenagers what I'd say is:

Parties - numbers will be limited either by what parents can cope with, cost or activity/venue. Often it's a case of 'if you invite this person you can't not invite that person...' so it might be just kids from their class/table/etc. It can also be about choosing personalities that go together or not wanting some children to feel left out e.g. you maybe don't want one child you know from x activity and 9 from school because the one from x might not know anyone. Sometimes kids find it difficult to mix their different social groups together and prefer e.g. all school friends...Lots of different reasons, but IME I think (hope) that generally parents don't deliberately exclude or victimise certain children.

Other families - sometimes when parents get on, kids might actually not have a lot in common, or vice versa. There have been a couple of families we know where we've sort of grown out of the friendship as the dcs grew up. I have an old friend and I would say her family are among my favourite people, but she and her dh are really casual about arrangements which has caused some bad feeling when they've cancelled plans we thought were agreed, etc. I think you have to try and tactfully explain that you are keeping the weekend free which might involve turning down other things, or maybe just text them once or twice in the run up "are you still on for x weekend?" On the other hand I've had my dcs getting upset/moany because they've been invited to a party but have to go to see "mum's boring friends" instead!

Playdates, etc can be a bit of a minefield. I was a SAHM for years and used to get a bit annoyed because I'd invite other kids round and working mums would sometimes not invite my DCs round at all. I'm over that now . And now I'm working I can barely manage to feed my own children let alone entertain others, so wish I'd cut a bit more slack to those other mums in the past!

I think the key is be assertive if necessary, especially if you know people well, but don't take anything personally where children's social lives are concerned: we all know other parents might be busy, exhausted, depressed, hard up, struggling to cope...

Yes, Originalfoogirl. But you know what - we are all busy. No-one is so busy that they can't have their child's friend over for a couple of hours once in a while.

It sounds to me that they feel too comfortable with you and so feel able to change plans without giving you enough consideration. I think I would have said "oh dear, we have crossed wires as I thought that was a firm plan and made sure I kept the morning free for us to meet..."

Re parties I only have 10 boys in my sons class and invite all 10 every year. Sometimes he does say he's not keen on one but I say no I would never hurt that child; imagine how you would feel... My son has Sen and party invites for a party on Saturday have gone out and the child invited 7/10. People can obviously do what they want but that's a cruel ratio in my opinion. 3 will feel left out and I know my son will be hurt - also the 3 left out are all Sen. The mums pleasant and I don't think she's made that connection she said she just let her son decide. Also, she asked me could her older son come to my sons party last year as he would be sad to miss out on tha activity (she paid for him). I said yes even though I did just want my sons friends and made him welcome. She owes me nothing but I do think it's the first party she's had, my son is the only one whose has a party every year and her son has attended, her eldest even attended last year and yet there's no thought that maybe it would be nice to invite my son. What can you do though! Not a lot. Expect nothing and you won't be disappointed! Everyone is working to a different set of rules I'm afraid! I still won't leave a child out though. I think it should be whole class, half of under half and anything nearing 2/3 is unfair. Also if someone invites my son for a play date and he attends then I should return the favour.

Last year I managed to do one play date in the school holidays as I was working full time. It was arranged when I bumped into the parents at after school club.

This year, DS has more activities after school, so there aren't many convenient time slots. Balancing that with other people's commitments to work/ activities, and it gets very difficult to find mutually convenient times.

We tend to see our friends at weekends who happen to have DCs of compatible ages and get on very well anyway.

I've done class parties so far, partly because DS has an awkwardly timed birthday. We've had about 2 invitations so far this year, so I'm assuming that the class has begun to get more selective already, and I'll scale back accordingly next time as his friendship groups have had more time to mature.

It seems that in DSs school, there's a split between those who had established friendships in the school nursery, and those who joined in reception.

DS is happy, talks about a range of children and has a select group of closer friends. That's the bit that matters.

Think it is true, OP that some of this is driven by circumstance.

Eg dd is 3.5 and at a small nursery. I WOH four days a week. I can see that there are friendships building between some of the other mums who are more part time of SAH mums, and this has a benefit for the children who get to hang out and play together more than my DD is.

But that's not personal. the reality is I'm not around nursery nearly as much, and when I am say, doing drop off I have to go to work. I noticed two of the SAHMs heading off together one morning this week after drop off, but I had to get to a meeting. It's not personal. And then as they are becoming friends themselves, they naturally going to arrange for their DC to play.

I also think ,as well as some people being 'inviters' and some not, more generally, that especially when young, parents often prioritise their own social life. So they arrange to meet their friends and bring their DC along, and may prioritise this over DC's friends from nursery or school where they know the adults less well. Again, that isn't personal.

the reality is, I do have less time than some of the other parents at nursery. I try not to sweat it, do what I can, and pay attention to my priorities. My aim is to support and nurture the friendships that matter to my DD. I'm not (personally) after a new friendship circle for me. Whereas some of the other parents at our nursery might be much more in the zone for building new friends for themselves.

And then accept that there are some people who will 'get it' ie will reciprocate, will invite your child, will be kind and friendly and make an effort, BUT that there are lots who won't and don't. Ignore these people.

Can I just say...please don't ignore them. There might be all sorts of reasons for not reciprocating. I've done it through crippling social anxiety about phoning/approaching other parents. But it could be pressures of work, stresses of parenting, all kinds of genuine reasons for feeling stressed and not feeling you have the time or inclination to invite other kids over. Of course there might be some who just can't be bothered or don't want to invite your child back for some reason, but don't assume that's the reason. Let your child choose their own friends (within reason) and sometimes you might have to swallow the fact that it's always you who does the inviting.

If you are pretty sure your dc is not a problem when in others' care, I wouldn't worry too much.

Some are just a bit less visible in those early years. But they come into their own a bit later on I think.

My dd is 11 now and she's only now really seeming to have the capacity to pick "nice" friends. i.e. people who don't cause daily drama with who's in and who's out, excluding, bullying.

Some parents are very active with playdates, others do none at all. If you want a reciprocal arrangement, try people out. What I've found is that some parents are not kind, inclusive people.

But don't think your dd is the only one this happens to. I think most of us have these issues. You've just got to keep going and try and find people who do reciprocate or want a similar level of activity to you.

I would agree with pp - get her involved in activities. It gives company, offers a wider range of friends and as they get older they have shared interests with people.

It does depend.

Dd1 had far more playdates than ds, mostly because by the time ds was old enough to have them 4 days a week I had

1. to fetch dd1 and dd2 from school 20 minutes walk from ds' school (infant/juniors) hand around for 10-20 minutes and then 45 minute walk back home. I didn't feel I could inflict this on someone else's child.
2. 3-4 days a week dd1 or dd2 had something they did within an hour of getting home which necessitated either a 15 minute walk or a drive.

So a playdate for ds included over an hour walk straight after school followed by a quick play then out again to take one of his sisters to something. An hour later we'd have to go and fetch them back again.
Not really fun for anyone.

Ds was also very tired after school and needed to be able to flop rather than have the excitement of a friend back. I don't think he even wanted to do playing after school until he was older.

For parties, my dd1 got invited to loads at infant level. Dd2 hardly got invited to any. At juniors they got invited to similar amounts.
I think this was because dd1 didn't have a best friend in her form, so she knew lots. Dd2 stuck with the same 2 children. So Dd1 was about number 8-10 on almost everyone's list. Dd2 wasn't on the radar for any except her best friends. When they went to juniors and parties shrank to 3-4 people they both went to their best friends and no one else.

Lots of people don't have parties, so I can see how that happens.

But that family you consider "friends"? They aren't friends. Please don't do them any more favours, or offer any more lifts. Making arrangements and then dropping you because they've made other arrangements, with no explanation or apology, is so rude.

So you arrange a party for your child and invite 15 children.
Out of those 15 children,
5 may not have parties at all,
5 will have parties but are only able to invite 4 friends,
and the other 5 have whole class parties.

You can't expect the 15 people your child invites to all have parties where they invite the same 15 people!

Playdates are very hard for some parents. It's not an excuse if you work full-time or have other commitments after school.

This should be about enabling your children to spend time with their friends. Why does it matter if it can only happen at your house?

I have to do the shopping/MOT the car/visit my Mother

Oh yes we had MOT the car one once, right at the last min too, just when dd was talking about how much was going to enjoy doing x y and z with friend, she was really upset as it was literally as we were about to go.

I find this interesting. DS1 and DS2 have befriended a couple of sibling pairs in their years, and I've invited both sibling pairs over at least 5 times each since school started back in Sept. The kids are great, and the parents appreciative, but other than a passing comment of 'You must come to us sometime' they've not seen any sign of a reciprocal invitation. DS1 has just noticed and is starting to ask why I've explained that we have to wait for the parents to have time but I suspect he is hurt anyway. Don't know how to manage that.

I'll keep asking the kids over as they are lovely and I want my kids to have the easy come-and-go house that I didn't have as a child. However I must admit that I do like it when these things are reciprocated; that feels like the way it 'should' be done!

I get the impression playdates are not the norm at our school. we have only had about 4 this academic year which is why its seen as a big deal!

No-one is so busy that they can't have their child's friend over for a couple of hours once in a while

They might be. You don't know.

A couple of the kids who come over to ours, mum works breakfast clubs and after school clubs during the week, and works as a carer at the weekends. Dad does night shifts so on the weekend he is sleeping and basically the children have to keep quiet in the house. That seems like someone who is too busy to have kids over for a playdate.

Could the arrangement to keep the weekend free be a misunderstanding where it was mentioned and you took it as 'arranged' and they thought it was a possibility but something else came up that they arranged?

I have 3DC at 3 different schools and different after school activities happening every day except Thursdays. Throwing playdates at ours into that is a nightmare if not impossible. It's not unusual to have 10 DC here on a Friday after school but I CBA with that every week and I admit that the DC have probably been to certain childrens' houses for playdates and I haven't managed to reciprocate, mainly because the DC in question asks for different friends first, I'm not about to say "but you must invite x because you went to their house last week" , I suggest it but won't insist....

i'm not in the loop with parties since my DD is so young, but, suggesting a date for you to hang out and then casually telling you theyve arranged something else without you is not on. at all.

i'm with the others in that (esp given its a repeat snub) these people arent your friends at all, or they certainly dont value you. i would keep up what you need to to make sure DC1 still has the relationship they want with their child but thats it.

I should add that where the playdates haven't been reciprocated by us they have usually been one offs with the other children, not repeated visits that haven't been invited here in return...

It's easy to confuse your child's social life with your own.

I wasn't particularly friendly with any of my older 3 DDs friend's parents. And sadly they didn't particularly get on with my best mates kids. That's life.

DD1's best friend at primary (and is still at 23!) virtually lived at our house through primary years. Her house was full of 7 siblings and she liked it at ours. No probs, she was (is) a nice girl and it was fine.

Listen to who they seem to be playing with at school and ask if they'd like to come to play. If they come and they're a nice kid have them back again. As long as my kids had mates it never bothered me one jot if they're play dates were always at ours. (it was easier that way anyway as you're not the one having to turn out to pick them up!)

"No-one is so busy that they can't have their child's friend over for a couple of hours once in a while"

It any not be busyness. There may literally be no time if parents work shifts. They may have a house they are ashamed of. Other adults with issues. Mental health problems. Dogs. LOADS of reasons.

I didn't bother worrying about parties. Its just part of life that you don't always get invited back or to everything. a good lesson for kids to learn and no point being hurt about.

Re the family friends though I think thats rather rude. It could be very forgetful or offhand, could be that her H doesn't like your H, or that one of her DCs doesn't like one of yours. Or just plain rude.

Still let your DCs invite whomever for whatever. I dont approve of Katie Hopkins stylie choosing your kids friends.

I used to have a very old friend who let me down a lot on arrangements to meet up with DC1. I was very isolated and lonely so it hurt. With DC2 I never relied upon her and the arrangements she made and she came back. I think she just was looking for all the new friend opportunities at first but then realised old friends matter too. Our famillies and kids get on great now.