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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that shacked-up/married men shouldn't message female friends with compliments on their looks?

71 replies

Hmm24601 · 03/03/2017 09:28

Genuine AIBU here - I wouldn't want my OH to do this to other women, even if he meant nothing by it (and I'm sure none of the men I mention below mean anything untoward).

Every so often, I'll have one of my friend's partners or a now happily shacked-up ex/male friend privately message me on social media telling me how gorgeous/beautiful/etc. I look in a particular photo (or my photos more generally). I think they are all in very happy relationships and I'm not arrogant enough to think "oh, all these men must fancy me (!!)

But I was thinking about it the other day after the last incident - I wouldn't be happy if my OH did this to his female friends (well, particularly if they had ever gone on a date or two in the past. I think it would be different if he e.g. did it publicly - commented on a photo or gave my friend a compliment at a party etc.

AIBU to think that I would feel a bit :( if my friend showed me a message my OH had sent her saying "you always look like a model in a magazine in your photos - so beautiful" or similar? But I trust my OH not to cheat on me, or be looking to cheat on me so maybe I'm being overly jealous! I'm just glad he doesn't (as far as I know!!)

OP posts:

LagunaBubbles · 03/03/2017 15:01

I honestly believe when near an attractive women most men will try it on. As sad as it sounds it's the truth.

No its not "the truth". Its only your opinion.

ScarlettFreestone · 03/03/2017 15:11

Hmm I'm sorry you've had some weird responses on this thread.

AyeAmarok - yours in particular was a horrible response - you owe the OP and apology.

Hmm you are right, sending you a PM to compliment you is inappropriate from a man who isn't single. It is completely understandable that you are uncomfortable with this.

I'd be inclined to immediately block anyone who did this.

Andylion · 03/03/2017 15:18

I'd be inclined to immediately block anyone who did this.

Me too.

Original poster

Hmm24601 · 03/03/2017 16:55

Thank you for the suggestions. I now have a much clearer idea of what to say/do in response. And that I shouldn't worry that I'm being too uptight and disproportionately jealous to think that I would be uncomfortable if my OH did the same privately to other women.

OP posts:

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 03/03/2017 17:04

PM'ing you is rank.

I would just reply with "yes, I know". Nothing more, nothing less.

Yuck.

ddssdd · 03/03/2017 17:30

You keep mentioning your OH. Has he done this?

mumofthemonsters808 · 03/03/2017 17:33

My friend experienced a lot of this , but in my eyes she was too tolerant, they needed stopping in their tracks, either no response or a harsh response, but she didn't, she gave them too much of her time and indulged in the so called banter continue. Private messages from attached men (the most unlikely men who you'd predict to do this) continued to come fast and furious. In a strange sort of way she seemed to enjoy the attention, it certainly gave us something to chat about, I've never seen these married men in the same light. Eventually, she posted a picture of her and her new partner and not a single message in months.

foodtime · 03/03/2017 17:59

No its not "the truth". Its only your opinion.

Your opinion is very naive. Mine is based on experience and evidence.
The amount of married men who have come on to me and some of my friends is ridiculous.before you start blameing the women, no we have never lead anyone on.
So many of the men I work with all play away.
So many men use escorts- most of them married.
If a women is attractive and they believe they won't get caught they will test the waters. It's our job as women to not let men get away with this shit and stop blaming each other.

LouisevilleLlama · 03/03/2017 18:03

I think it's sometimes ok for people to comment, but it depends on the context and situation I think,

cuirderussie · 03/03/2017 18:21

I was a single mum in my 20s/early 30s (pre social media), not a stunna or a flirt, just averagely attractive and sociable. I did get a bit of testing the waters from married men, it was a bit depressing and most unwelcome. It felt like they thought I'd be mad up for it because I was single and perceived as a bit vulnerable, as I had a kid. I just ignored it or in the case of a friend's husband who made a drunken lunge at me, told him he was a disgrace

Original poster

Hmm24601 · 03/03/2017 18:27

No, OH has never done it BUT actually an ex of mine used to - which has only just occurred to me (I got rid of him pretty quickly for a whole variety of reasons).

Mentioning my OH mostly comes from my trying to put myself in the position of people's partners - how would I feel if it was my OH?

OP posts:

Willyoujustbequiet · 03/03/2017 18:41

Foodtime I totally agree. OP yanbu.

I am fairly newly single after a long marriage. I have been gobsmacked at the amount of married men who have tried it on via social media.

They dont care what you look like they just want sex.

They play happy families on fb and then get up to all sorts . I was so naive when married. I thought cheats were the exception when actually it appears to be the opposite.

This is the experience of all my single/divorced friends.

Some of the replies on here . Perhaps some are on the defensive/in denial. One thing I do know now though - there are a shitload of unhappy marriages out there.

Beelzebop · 03/03/2017 18:47

Honestly? I think it can be really damaging even if you as the partner initially feel OK about it. My shoulder sent messages to someone complimenting her and the shit still hasn't settled.

needahugekickuptheass · 03/03/2017 18:48

My DH would be storing his phone in his colon if he did that

OverthinkingSpartacus · 03/03/2017 19:02

Some of the responses to the OP remind me of a thread a where an Op had lots of shitty comments after she said men who were married to good friends and had been for many years started hitting on her and offering her affairs etc when she became single after many years of marriage (I think her dh had died, but can't be certain)

She wanted to talk about how she was uncomfortable that men who she thought of as mates had been viewing her in that way, about how her female friends thought they were married to good men and how she thought they were good men too and how much of a nasty shock it is to discover that people you thought were friends and respected you saw you as no more than a quick fuck. That there's lots of wives out there married to sleaze balls than she thought, like her good female friends, who think their dhs wouldn't ever do something like this and it had jaded her trust in men.

She had loads of shitty comments about how she was obv boasting, that she must be encouraging them, that she must love make attention give off signals etc and lots of, not all men, not my Derek etc

Other posters gave similar experiences and were supportive but there were lots who also couldn't get their heads around the idea that "nice" husbands do this shit too.

ScarlettFreestone · 03/03/2017 19:11

Yep, I think needahugekick's response is fairly proportionate.

I'd be furious if my DH did this. He'd be furious if I did it.

It's deeply sleezy.

OverthinkingSpartacus · 03/03/2017 19:12

Also, if I caught my dh doing this and he said it's really all innocent and not sexual I'll be asking him to show me the private messages he's sent to men telling them how beautiful and great they look in X photo. If he didn't have any I'd ask why not.

Lessthanaballpark · 03/03/2017 19:14

The responses on this thread illustrate why it's sometimes so hard for women to talk about any harassment they get. They are often seen as boasting and therefore keep quiet.

Redglitter · 03/03/2017 19:16

I think it's the messaging part I'd find sleazy..

A friend of mine posted a photo of herself ready for a wedding. She looked absolutely stunning. She had loads of comments many from male friends and colleagues but they were public ones on the photo. She got one pm and was furious she looked on it totally differently. He got blocked and deleted. She definitely felt it was sleazy because it was sent privately

littlefrog3 · 03/03/2017 19:33

My DH would be storing his phone in his colon if he did that

😂😂😂

John4703 · 03/03/2017 19:50

I'm married and male. I'd comment on Facebook that someone looks good but only in public. To send a PM would be a bit strange in my opinion.
If someone puts a pic in a public place then public comments should be fine, private messages are totally different. My wife sees my public comments and is happy with them. I would be totally wrong to make any comment private so she did not see it.

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