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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that shacked-up/married men shouldn't message female friends with compliments on their looks?

71 replies

Hmm24601 · 03/03/2017 09:28

Genuine AIBU here - I wouldn't want my OH to do this to other women, even if he meant nothing by it (and I'm sure none of the men I mention below mean anything untoward).

Every so often, I'll have one of my friend's partners or a now happily shacked-up ex/male friend privately message me on social media telling me how gorgeous/beautiful/etc. I look in a particular photo (or my photos more generally). I think they are all in very happy relationships and I'm not arrogant enough to think "oh, all these men must fancy me (!!)

But I was thinking about it the other day after the last incident - I wouldn't be happy if my OH did this to his female friends (well, particularly if they had ever gone on a date or two in the past. I think it would be different if he e.g. did it publicly - commented on a photo or gave my friend a compliment at a party etc.

AIBU to think that I would feel a bit :( if my friend showed me a message my OH had sent her saying "you always look like a model in a magazine in your photos - so beautiful" or similar? But I trust my OH not to cheat on me, or be looking to cheat on me so maybe I'm being overly jealous! I'm just glad he doesn't (as far as I know!!)

OP posts:

Monkeyface26 · 03/03/2017 10:13

KickingKat - I think that's genius. I doubt I'm very likely ever to suffer with this problem but, if I do, that's how I will deal with it.

shovetheholly · 03/03/2017 10:18

The correct response is to slam the metaphorical door on their hands: 'so lovely of you to objectify me in that way' works for me.

NotJanine · 03/03/2017 10:22

YANBU

If they want to comment on a photo on social media they can do so publically. If they are sending you private messages then they clearly don't want other people (eg their partners) to see it.

What does your DP think about it?

Original poster

Hmm24601 · 03/03/2017 10:28

Ha, I like the suggested responses - thank you!

Have shown the message (in a light-hearted way; I hadn't wanted to make a big deal of it if it wasn't one) when it's happened to DP, he's really lovely and relaxed about it and usually makes some joke "but of COURSE they've said that, that is a lovely photo of you". I don't think he's particularly concerned tbh, which is partly what made me think I might be BU.

Though I remember he once showed me a message from someone who'd told him he was very photogenic (he'd been on the news) as he said "it made him feel uncomfortable" and he thought I should know.

OP posts:

PurpleMinionMummy · 03/03/2017 10:31

So you're not single then?

I'm not intending to victim blame but now you've said it iborgia I can see how I may have come across that way. Some women do enjoy the attention of such messages. I tend to assume if they're as appalled and annoyed by it they claim, they would block the sender and have a good long hard think about telling their apparent friend what a sleaze their partner is.

foodtime · 03/03/2017 10:33

I am not understanding the bitchy comments to the OP.

I have these comments too. It really Destroys my trust in men. It's always the perfect family guy, who's wife wouldn't have a clue. I once screenshot the comments and showed the wife and that ended in a shower of shit for me. I'll just ignore from now on.

I honestly believe when near an attractive women most men will try it on. As sad as it sounds it's the truth.

shovetheholly · 03/03/2017 10:35

I don't think it's the fault of the woman that she gets messages like this.

I do think, however, that respect is something we have to insist on being given. One slamdown of a comment back usually ensures against reoffending by that particular person.

whattodowiththepoo · 03/03/2017 10:36

Just checked my messages to see the last time I text a female a compliment and it's only after they said they looked bad.
The guys that are messaging you are probably testing the waters.

Original poster

Hmm24601 · 03/03/2017 10:37

A genuine question - if I tell my friends about this won't they think I'm being horribly arrogant or over-reacting in assuming their partners didn't mean well? If a compliment isn't linked to any actual flirting when I see the partners or anything else, then... hmm, I don't know how to feel about it (hence the AIBU).

But then I wouldn't want OH to message other women like this and I'd want to know if it happened (esp now that the consensus seems to be that doing so is a little suspect).

I'm not single but I'm also not one of those people who has a very visible partner; I don't post photos of us on social media (or any photos, as I've said before) and because we're both so busy with work we frequently pitch up at parties etc. by ourselves.

OP posts:

notcreative23 · 03/03/2017 10:39

If it were a comment on your picture or something public I think it would be different but as they are messaging you privately I feel it's a bit odd.

Spice22 · 03/03/2017 10:41

I'm with Iborgia - a lot of victim blaming here.

OP, I have a similar problem - though with me its not my friends' partners(thank god),its other married men I've met through work or whilst on the bus etc. Just recently a married man asked me out to dinner (he had previously told me all about his wife and kids)- I was beyond uncomfortable and HATED being put in such a position. No bragging, no flattery. I've had worse scenarios I didn't ask for. I wonder if people would blame me instead of the sleazebags.

I think the compliments are only 'suspect' because their being made in private. It suggests they want to start a conversation and I would say an innapropriate one considering their starting it with a compliment to your body. Saying that, I remember one compliment from a male friend in private -I know he sent it in private because his girlfriend was the jealous, over dramatic sort. Could that be the case with some of them ?

Spice22 · 03/03/2017 10:42

foodtime the wife blamed you ??

lottieandmia · 03/03/2017 10:48

YANBU - I get this sort of thing. I'm very naive and have AS. So many men are horrible opportunists. I think if you have quite a soft look they can see an opportunity to be predatory.

Also nothing annoys me more than a man I'm dating liking countless other women's photos so I see what you mean.

muhajaba · 03/03/2017 10:58

I get this a lot too and FWIW I wear hijab, minimal make up, don't post selfies etc, doesn't make a difference, creeps will still be creeps. I also think they do it to test the water and I think they do it to a loads of different women. About half of the men who message me are supposed friends of my husband, they always seem surprised when I tell him.
I think you should tell them that their private messages are inappropriate, I would tell their partners too, if my DH was doing that I would want to know. They arent doing it to be friendly or nice they are scouting for sex. If it was innocent they would comment publicly.

Kickingkat · 03/03/2017 12:19

Muhajaba has it. It's just putting the feelers out.

These threads never go well. As a single woman you aren't allowed to mention that married men come on to you, there's always that slight undertone of you must be encouraging it

TheStoic · 03/03/2017 12:23

So you don't think it's strange they all choose you to message?

They could be messaging every female acquaintance they have, for all she knows. And probably are. Such stupid responses on this thread.

No it's not what you're doing that is the problem, OP. It's what these men are doing. And what they're doing is trying to get into a flirtatious conversation with you, at the very least.

littlefrog3 · 03/03/2017 12:46

I did used to get men trying it on with me quite often when I was 15-30 y.o. Not so much now haha. But there was no social media then, or texting, it was just looks, words, groping. Yes really. So I can believe the OP, and others who say this shit happens. And the men doing it are utter pigs.

But yeah if I found out my husband was telling other females how lovely they look, how nice, how attractive, how sexy etc; he would probably end up with 2 things; a thick ear, and a divorce petition. It's NOT acceptable, it's disgusting, it's lecherous, and it's vile.

I know several men who are too friendly like this, and a couple of men who are always offering favours to women (always single ones,) whether it's a lift, or help with their computer, or help to fix their fence, and they sometimes chit-chat to women (colleagues) online. Yet they have a meltdown if the wife even talks to another man.

Why do (some) men think this is OK? It's not uncommon, sadly....

Also, a pal of mine had her husband saying he wanted meet a (single) ex colleague for coffee - she lives 40 miles away, and he was going to drive to her house, pick her up, and go to Costa, then drop her off.... (She was 55 - and my pal and her hubby were 44.)

He couldn't see why this WASN'T OK. 'She is only an ex colleague' he pleaded, and my pal was accused of being unreasonable and jealous by him AND his mother AND his mates. But I didn't think she was being unreasonable. A married man and a single woman having a cosy coffee together? No, just no. If it had been him and several women (colleagues,) then yes, but not just the two of them. It was just weird, and wrong. He said 'she is 11 years old than me!' Yeah so???

It's not about 'trust' or 'jealousy' If you loved me, you'd trust me and know there's nothing in it....' It's about having respect for your wife. And NOT dillydallying around with some other woman, complimenting her, doing her favours etc; it's not acceptable. ESPECIALLY if you go batshit when your woman speaks to another man!

Chloe84 · 03/03/2017 14:22

Your DH was uncomfortable because someone told him he was photogenic when we was on the news on TV and he thought you should know? 😂

Ginandpanic · 03/03/2017 14:36

I think some men are sleazy yes, and I don't think yabu at all.

My dh is spending a lot of time away from home because of his elderly parents. On nye an acquaintance of ours who is recently divorced ( and was obviously pissed) sent me an inappropriate message because he knew I was on my own. I was mortified. I haven't told my dh because it seemed petty to bring it up days later when he was home but I've obviously blocked the sender. So op it might be nothing you are doing to Attract these messages, I certainly wasn't.

HecateAntaia · 03/03/2017 14:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SheSaidHeSaid · 03/03/2017 14:43

Creepy. I've had similar before and it puts you in an awkward position, I always try to steer it round to their partner in some way though.

I wouldn't have a problem with my DH during the course of a face to face conversation saying to a friend she looked nice or her hair was nice etc but I think over social media and in private messages is wrong. I guess it also depends on the friendship too.

Charley50 · 03/03/2017 14:44

It's sleazy yes and puts you in the horrible position of deciding whether or not to tell the friend, and the impact this has on their relationship and your friendship.

OhBlissOhJoy · 03/03/2017 14:53

I know he sent it in private because his girlfriend was the jealous, over dramatic sort
Or maybe the girlfriend was the jealous, over dramatic sort because her OH was in the habit of sending private messages to pretty women?

ZombieApocalips · 03/03/2017 14:58

I was ready to say YABU because it's fine for a married person to tell another person that they are looking good today. I thought this was about hitting like on a social media pic or similar.

The fact that they are sending PM shows how wrong this is. I'd say that the general rule is that if you'd say it in front of your partners then it's fine but this hush-hush PM business shows show sleazy they are. Yuck.

Roanoke · 03/03/2017 15:00

Suggest there's a perfectly good comment section under the photo if they want to say something nice. Of course, there, everyone could see it.

The secretive nature makes their intentions clear.

(Ignore the snarkers, sometimes round here there's so much Tall Poppy syndrome going on we've hardly any bloody poppies.)

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