Should I (and can I) delay returning to work?

[Trifleorbust]

I would really appreciate some advice...

I had my first baby in December, so she is now 12 weeks or thereabouts. It was always the plan for my DH to take SPL starting in April and for me to go back to work (teacher) for the summer term. We need to decide at some point whether I will stay at work in September, at which point she would need to be in nursery, with my MIL kindly offering to do a day a week of childcare.

However, for the moment that is by the by, as I am finding the return to work date to be a bit of a problem. I am genuinely not sure what to do for the best.

Some of the issues:

1. breastfeeding - if I go back to work I will need to express if she is going to continue to be breastfed. I don't think I will manage to express enough for her to be EBF (I am pumping and it is exhausting me trying to feed a very hungry baby and build up a frozen supply) so she would need to go on to formula. I thought I would be fine with this but I am finding the idea of expressing whilst she drinks formula somewhat counter-intuitive! I can also see me coming home from work knackered, then having to take over sole care just so she can continue to be bf at all. Doing nights as well as working FT is unlikely to work well.
2. My DH. He is a new dad and obviously that is hard. He loves the baby but it is fair to say he doesn't have the same bond with her at the moment as I do. He absolutely sees the importance of building a bond with her and is looking forward to doing lots of outdoor and fun activities (many of which I would love to do in theory but if I'm honest with myself, probably wouldn't - more of a potter round with a book person). It does frustrate me somewhat that my maternity leave is being spent on very early baby care and expressing in the freezing cold - hard to enjoy it! Anyway, my DH k mainly wants to do what is best for the baby. He is starting to recognise how much work that involves (sent him a detailed breakdown of a single day - that was an eye opener, I think!). I know he will find childcare quite tedious and, if I am honest, I think he is likely to parent in a more detached way than I do. I am more hands-on with the baby most of the time. This may of course change when he is in sole charge. I also think he would appreciate the break from work and I don't want to look like I am grabbing all the available time off. He says that isn't a factor but I can't be sure he isn't being polite!
3. My DD is very attached to me. She gets colicky in the evening, needs breastfeeding to sleep and is hard to put down at times (sometimes she is fine). When my DH has had her for an hour or so on his own she has been fine for 30 minutes or so but then starts to get upset. At night that turns into full-blown screaming fits which are distressing for her and impossible for me to ignore, so I end up taking her to calm her down and comfort her. I am worried that she just needs me, but equally I am worried that that is ego talking - would she be fine in a few days?
4. Work - I have already given a return to work date that is now 7 weeks away. I would be giving less than 8 weeks notice of a change to this, and I don't think they are obligated to accept this, are they? Obviously I don't want to mess anyone about but I need to do the right thing for my DD so I will have that conversation if I need to.
5. My beliefs and assumptions: I feel a bit daft that I seem to have underestimated how difficult this would all be. I always thought 50:50 care was an obvious solution, and I do honestly believe it will be better in the long run for everyone if my DD has two parents capable of looking after her equally well.

So what should I do?

Sorry for the length - trying not to drip feed!

Breastfeeding and going back to work is very hard, but it is possible. You will need to keep your supply up pumping during the day can be disheartening as you can't pump as much as the baby needs. Pumping while the baby is feeding on the opposite breast is easiest, but not possible while at work.

I and many others have found that being in the house while the other parent is trying to deal with a breastfed baby can cause issues. If the baby has any idea that boobs are within screaming distance, they will go for it!!!! (it is the same effect of a parent with a child going to nursary, while the parent hangs around the child remains upset, once the parent leaves the child settles very quickly with the other caregivers!!!!)

As for breastfeeding in the evenings, babies get much more efficient at feeding for nutrition as they get older, but the feeding for comfort is the issue, if you can crack the quick feed, daddy gives the comfort with dummy or whatever plan, this will resolve many of the issues you raise.

It is not impossible to go back to work and continue breastfeeding, but it is harder on you. Emotionally and physically. As long as the baby has a primary carer, and their needs are being responded to appropriately then the baby will be fine.

With my first baby I would have extended my leave, with my subsequent ones I would have loved to have done shared care. I think that much of the emotional drain with the first is actually not having the confidence in your husband to be able to fulfil the comforting role, in some cases this lack of confidence might be justified, but in many I think it comes from maternal protective instincts and are not in reality the issue.

You have to do what is right for you and your family and that is a totally individual thing.

Not sure if it's been mentioned but you can use parental leave to extend your ML. It's unpaid, but can be used to delay a return.

Whether you should or not is a matter for you and your OH.

Just a comment about weaning at 6 months as there have been a few comments about that - with my first I was under the illusion that I'd introduce food at 6 months and that would pretty much be it for milk. Yeah.....no. Depending on how they take to food, most babies are very dependent on milk for their whole first year - if you stop bf and switch to formula at 6 months then that's your choice, and they certainly can go longer between feeds when you aren't there as they can top up with food and water to keep them going (even if they might still want to feed every couple of hours when you're around), but the need for milk doesn't just vanish.

You sound a lovely Mum, it's totally normal to not be ready to leave your baby. It's different for the dad - they didn't carry and give birth to the child, they don't have the hormones sloshing around their system which can make being away from your baby a genuinely panicky thought.

Can you return to work for the 2nd half of the summer term?

Then you will only have to do 6 weeks work, DP is off with the baby and getting full pay. You then get paid for your summer holidays and you can both be off together! Will be lovely.

Yeah delay it! Take as much time off as you can. This next 6 months in baby's life is precious. When they really start to come alive!

mumofmunchkin:

Of course, we understand that. She is staring at food already so I think she will love it But she will be at least partly breastfed for as long as possible.

Thanks, everyone for the lovely supportive messages. I think some of them have served to remind me what I think: my DH can parent our DD as well as I can. I will give this some more thought but I am definitely feeling reassured, both by the comments here and by my DH's willingness to do whatever is best for her.

mumofmunchkin - I certainly didn't mean to suggest that weaning at 6 months would mean little/no milk at all, just that - for me personally, introducing formula at that point and phasing out breastmilk is something I'm pretty comfortable with.

I would delay until half term too. Your baby will be that little bit bigger and you will only have 6 weeks until term end. Feeding will be so much easier too.

I am in the US and it is actively encouraged to pump while working. By law employers are required to provide you with the space etc. With teaching it is harder but your classroom hours are shorter compared to working in an office (average in my area is 10-12 hours vs 6.5 hours). Here they have a floating sub come to the classroom at times when you need to go pump. You set the kids up with their project or whatever it is that is in your lesson plan, and then the sub takes over while you go pump in the lactation (or mothers) room. DD's teacher is currently BF her baby and I welcome that the school are accommodating her needs. DD understands that her teacher has to leave class during the day to go feed her baby. When we talk about improving BF rates you don't get better than supporting teachers in school for setting out the example we want our DC to follow!

I would also not worry too much about building a huge freezer stash. My babies have all be FF with my last one being BF for the first 3 weeks. As a working mother advocate for my employer I mentor new mothers and all who are BF tell me that their babies will have super feeds before and after work. They adapt to the new schedule. I will warn you, I had one mother whose baby switched their feeding around so was feeding every 3 hours during the night instead of during the day. Poor mother was exhausted but after 3 months the baby figured it out and would feed at 7pm/11pm/5am so not too bad.

I am in the US and it is actively encouraged to pump while working.

Yeah but US mat leave is shocking... it is kinda like 'get them mothers back to the coal face with a baby slung around their back'

kiroro People in the UK have no idea about the American system. Here you go on disability for 6 weeks for natural and 8 weeks for CS and disability before birth is unlimited. Then you have family leave. Here in NJ they provide an additional 6 weeks. Most employers, even places like Target, will give you first preference for your hours. If you have PND you your medical leave is automatically extended and you stay on disability, with my employer paying full salary up to 6 months but the state will pay disability until you are declared well by your doctor.

Teachers are given the option to take up to 5 years off unpaid for each child and return to their position without losing seniority. The UK doesn't have that. I have one friend who took that option and went back last year. She had a stillborn child at 6 months and she was given short term disability leave plus bereavement leave (which is 9 months full pay) so was able to take a whole year off to recover.

As a mother of 3 kids, its always going to be hard going back to work. I actually found it easier doing it early and I could not imagine how hard it would be to do it with a 1 year old. I went back to work at 16 weeks, 8 weeks and 26 weeks with my three.

I would only RTW under these circumstances if it was essential for survival. If you can manage stay with your baby! That is what nature intended.

Op just stay at home with your baby if that is what you feel you want to do, it all goes in a flash, life is short, I am sahm, I EBF dd 2 - DH is a wonderful DF and people come into their own with DC at different times! Many people admit to not being keen on babies, or toddlers and all the others in between but then are great at other times. Work to both your strengths its not rocket science that small baby wants to be near MUM!

Don't feel daft for underestimating how much time off you would need. I had twins in December and thought I could return to work part time at 12 weeks.... thats last week. Hahahahahahhah...... I postponed till June and now thats on an even more part time basis than I had planned to ( 2 days per wk) . And if anyone is annoyed? No one and nothing matters more than my babies. And my mental health!

After Easter is very early to return. I think you will be shattered - especially in your line of work. I would definitely contact them but I don't think you have to give a reason. Could DH delay his leave until after the summer?

There's no right answer here - go with your gut. If you're really not sure then maybe it doesn't matter which option you choose because they'll both be fine.

I went back after 6 months with both of mine - so shared 50:50 with my husband. To quite a full-on full-time consultancy job (9-6pm regularly), and managed to bf to past 12 months. With number 2 was able to pump just before and after work and feed and DD was fine. With school hours would definitely be possible to attempt to continue bf.

There's also a positive about settling back into work without also having the stress of DC settling into a routine with nursery and non-parent case. It was definitely easier for me to find my feet knowing DC were with DH.

Good luck - and don't beat yourself up about whatever you choose. If you're happy ultimately your daughter will be too.

One thing to be sure of is that with working FT and being a parent, you will be shattered. Don't let that be what guides you. Personally I think you just don't sound ready to go back and it doesn't sound to me like you have your feeding down yet. This is all fine. Anyone who has been a parent knows you don't hold a parent to anything they say before they deliver the baby. I have an employee right now who went out expecting a 12 week leave. 6 months later and they still aren't back. It is ok. She is welcome back when she is ready.

Exactly.

I intended a 6 week break, It's been 19 years and I still have not resumed that career.

My son was very attached to me as the months went on (and I was breastfeeding). I would say be the year mark the attachment was at its most intense, which was a surprise to me, as I had planned to return to work just about then. I couldn't face the "express milk" thing, and if I had had no choice I would have gone to forumula! My son didn't like formula (only breastmilk!) and so that would have been a struggle, but needs must, if I had had to I would have. It really it wasn't until he was at primary school that his attachment to me diminished. However, all children are different. He may well adjust, especially if you have others, DH, other relatives etc to help.

If going back to work is a financial necessity, then rest assured that you can do it. If you have a choice and it doesn't cause too much hardship then make the choice you want. I have 3 kids and live in the US where mat leave is 12 weeks max. My DH teaches and the end of my leave coincided with a break for him for all 3. With the oldest 2, his summer break meant they were around 8 months when they started daycare, my youngest was 4 months when he started (he's actually really happy to be left there, great care givers and seperation anxiety hasn't started yet). My youngest is 6 months old now and like with the other 2, I express at work. I'd highly recommend getting a hands free pumping bra like this one - www.amazon.co.uk/Medela-Easy-Expression-Bustier-Small/dp/B008TPSGYA/ref=sr_1_10_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1488634433&sr=8-10&keywords=hands+free+pump+bra&tag=mumsnetforum-21. It makes all the difference because you can bash on with working while pumping. Agree with the other posters that a big freezer stash will go untouched. I just built one up while DC3 was sick, meaning I can start travelling for a couple of days at a time. I personally find expressing at work and breastfeeding at night works well for me, and I breastfed the oldest two until they were over a year old, they never had any formula. It's lovely to come home from a stressful day at work and have a nice cuddle and feed the baby.

Honestly, I think attitude is everything. With my first, I felt sorry for myself having to work while all my friends in the UK enjoyed long maternity leaves....needless to say, this just made me miserable. Now with #3, I just consider myself lucky to have always stayed employed through a rough couple of years economically. My family needs my salary, I earn 3 x what my DH does, so I just tell myself that I'm doing it for them and as a result I'm much happier. Oh, and my children are very happy and well adjusted, they love both me and my DH equally.....don't worry on that front either, you'll still be your baby's Mum and have a special place in their heart even if your DH it there more during the day. Good luck!!