Should I (and can I) delay returning to work?

[Trifleorbust]

I would really appreciate some advice...

I had my first baby in December, so she is now 12 weeks or thereabouts. It was always the plan for my DH to take SPL starting in April and for me to go back to work (teacher) for the summer term. We need to decide at some point whether I will stay at work in September, at which point she would need to be in nursery, with my MIL kindly offering to do a day a week of childcare.

However, for the moment that is by the by, as I am finding the return to work date to be a bit of a problem. I am genuinely not sure what to do for the best.

Some of the issues:

1. breastfeeding - if I go back to work I will need to express if she is going to continue to be breastfed. I don't think I will manage to express enough for her to be EBF (I am pumping and it is exhausting me trying to feed a very hungry baby and build up a frozen supply) so she would need to go on to formula. I thought I would be fine with this but I am finding the idea of expressing whilst she drinks formula somewhat counter-intuitive! I can also see me coming home from work knackered, then having to take over sole care just so she can continue to be bf at all. Doing nights as well as working FT is unlikely to work well.
2. My DH. He is a new dad and obviously that is hard. He loves the baby but it is fair to say he doesn't have the same bond with her at the moment as I do. He absolutely sees the importance of building a bond with her and is looking forward to doing lots of outdoor and fun activities (many of which I would love to do in theory but if I'm honest with myself, probably wouldn't - more of a potter round with a book person). It does frustrate me somewhat that my maternity leave is being spent on very early baby care and expressing in the freezing cold - hard to enjoy it! Anyway, my DH k mainly wants to do what is best for the baby. He is starting to recognise how much work that involves (sent him a detailed breakdown of a single day - that was an eye opener, I think!). I know he will find childcare quite tedious and, if I am honest, I think he is likely to parent in a more detached way than I do. I am more hands-on with the baby most of the time. This may of course change when he is in sole charge. I also think he would appreciate the break from work and I don't want to look like I am grabbing all the available time off. He says that isn't a factor but I can't be sure he isn't being polite!
3. My DD is very attached to me. She gets colicky in the evening, needs breastfeeding to sleep and is hard to put down at times (sometimes she is fine). When my DH has had her for an hour or so on his own she has been fine for 30 minutes or so but then starts to get upset. At night that turns into full-blown screaming fits which are distressing for her and impossible for me to ignore, so I end up taking her to calm her down and comfort her. I am worried that she just needs me, but equally I am worried that that is ego talking - would she be fine in a few days?
4. Work - I have already given a return to work date that is now 7 weeks away. I would be giving less than 8 weeks notice of a change to this, and I don't think they are obligated to accept this, are they? Obviously I don't want to mess anyone about but I need to do the right thing for my DD so I will have that conversation if I need to.
5. My beliefs and assumptions: I feel a bit daft that I seem to have underestimated how difficult this would all be. I always thought 50:50 care was an obvious solution, and I do honestly believe it will be better in the long run for everyone if my DD has two parents capable of looking after her equally well.

So what should I do?

Sorry for the length - trying not to drip feed!

Can you go back part time?

Also don't project today's breastfeeding pattern forward- the crazy feed all evening stage passes soon. I reckon the only difference my working made to breastfeeding patterns is they both had an extra long feed as I got home as both DC used to hang on in for the direct from source stuff if given the chance.

Sounds like delaying your return would be better for you and better for your DD. Don't underestimate how tired breastfeeding can be if you are feeding all evening / overnight after a full day at work / commute. Sounds like you haven't yet decided what to do long term about your career. If you are considering having a career break might be worth having even longer off, until September or even October half-term?

I am sure that with practise he will be an excellent caregiver, he just needs to build up to that.
But I have to snort at "outdoor activities"! What does he think a 3mo can do?

The teacher resignation date for summer term has just passed (28th), might be worth checking how/whether the same constraints over dates apply to return from maternity. Your school might also be left in the lurch unable to recruit someone to cover for you because resignation dates for other teachers to start in term 5 and 6 have been and gone.

On a more human note you sound totally normal! Wanting to mother your tiny baby is what nature intended, and you are simply feeling the urge to be everything your daughter needs. I fully understand and have been there myself. As a result, my CV is varied and interesting where I have done quite a few different jobs, ran my own business, and been been self employed...but with obvious gaps where my three children came along. I am intelligent, well qualified, and employable but I have not followed a 'career' and climbed the ranks. It's a choice that has to be made. In your case, teaching is a good place to be. You can get back in to it again. In many places they are desperate for teachers and supply teachers can work full time if they choose.

Delay it. By the way, it's totally normal for babies to be like that in the evening - it's referred to as the witching hour and it is normal to breastfeed to sleep. Just go with the flow and don't stress about normal baby behaviour.

Just on your quote on it being a break from work for your DH - caring for an infant is NOT a break. It is very full on. Work is actually a break in comparison (for me anyway). Your DH will be in for a very rude awakening if he expects being fulltime caregiver to be a break for him ....

Sounds like you need some more time OP. I also wouldn't stress about a freezer stash...If you pump in school you'll have enough to leave for the next day! I made that error and ended up not touching the freezer stash!

I think a couple of your concerns will pass as you baby gets older.

1. once your supply is established you can go to mixed feeding quite easily. I went back to work when DD1 was 5.5 months and found expressing enough was impossible. So she had formula during the day and breastfed at night (a lot) until about 10.5 months.

2. it will come. DH took over when I went back to work and he has built an amazing bond with DD. And you have to have good conversations about how you both want to parent (it gets more complicated, start as you mean to continue!) - don't just assume he won't be hands on once you're not the main caregiver.

3. babies change as they get older, and a lot of the screaming at this age passes as they get more able to deal with the sensory inputs from the world around them, and less over-stimulated. And your DH will learn ways to calm and settle her, it's part of parenting and you have to trust he's capable of it otherwise you're making a hard and guilt-ridden road for yourself.

PhilODox: Not kayaking or snowboarding - just walking and camping! But he underestimated how much work she would be (as I think all non-parents must).

Megatherium: Teaching isn't great part-time. It means the school has to hire someone else to do the other hours and is generally quite inefficient for the workers. I also believe (maybe wrongly) that being part time teacher and part time SAHM would equate to more than one full-time role!

I'm now wondering if I am being daft. A PP said 'short term pain for long term gain' and I know that could be right as well.

I am shockingly indecisive about this and I am never indecisive!

OP I am currently on SPL while my DW (a teacher) has gone back to work. DS is 6months. Like you, my DW has dropped to statutory mat pay whereas I am receiving full pay for this period. For us the finances were so vastly different that it was the only option. DW finds it hard expressing at work, but they have to give you the time and space to do so, and she has found now she isn't feeding him in the day, she's expressing enough for the following days feeds. We have a massive untouched freezer supply. My relationship with DS has been so enhanced already and I'm only 2 weeks in that I would honestly recommend any non birth parent gets that experience.

Regarding your rights, you are expected to give 8 weeks notice of changes and your employer doesn't have to accept less. So technically they can force you to return in 7 weeks. However you are also entitled to SPL. Up to 3 blocks of it at statutory/unpaid depending on total weeks taken. Your school won't like it and it will be difficult for cover arrangements but the fact they are a school doesn't trump your legal entitlements.

JagerPlease: Thank you for that. Good to hear a positive, similar story! I am not too worried about them saying no. Ultimately, yes, they could decline my request but I would resign pretty quickly afterwards! We aren't loaded but we don't need my salary. My school leadership are reasonable people, all with kids. I doubt that will be an issue. My taking further SPL following time back at work would be more inconvenient for them, I think.

If I were you, I'd ask to delay till summer half-term in May. You can ease back into work, but know the summer holidays are not too far away. Your baby will be approaching 6 months - and will have changed completely! Your DH can take leave to start during that half-term, say, and you can do a "proper" handover, and hopefully spend the summer together doing the outdoors stuff he wants to enjoy too. And you can phase in MIL if that's what's best.

Your DH may also want to think about compressed hours/flexible working, different hours in term time etc when he goes back after paternity leave - 3 days nursery, 1 day Daddy & 1 day MIL would be a great balance.

I agree part time teaching is tough and probably best avoided! But if you can set up a pattern now if good solid childcare it would be a shame to give up a job you seem committed to.

It wouldn't be sensible to resign over this.

I'm in a really similar position. I'm going back to work in May, my DH is taking 6 months of SPL and then my DS will go to nursery (most likely 4 days a week with both of us doing a 9 day fortnight).

I'm exclusively pumping anyway (for medical reasons) and plan to wind down the pumping when I go back to work - slowly as my supply is very good so I think it'll take a while to stop properly.

My DS will therefore get less breastmilk as a result of us sharing the leave - looking at the evidence base on breastfeeding, I'm pretty comfortable with that. He'll have got around 7 months of breastmilk exclusively and then 2-3 months of mixed feeding and I think that's fine. You'll want to look at this yourself and make your own call but a lot of your post is about breastfeeding and so, if you decide to wean earlier or combination feed, a lot of your issues might go away.

If I'm honest (and he would admit this too), my DH is less good with the baby than I am. But that's why the SPL is important to both of us - he'll get the chance to really bond with our DS and get better at dealing with him.

For me, it's very much a long-term/short-term thing. In the short-term, yes, I'd love more time off with my DS, but in the long-term, I want to be parenting equally with my DH. On here, I've noticed there are extremely few women who parent 50:50 so a lot of the comments are coming from that angle. Myself, I read some of the threads on here about DHs who have absolutely no idea how to parent or run a household and I'm determined that that won't be us.

I'm sure you can achieve 50:50 without doing SPL but I think it's an uphill battle.

My DD is 12 weeks old and I've made myself leave her with DH on several occasions. I've also made myself stay in bed when she's been crying so that they have had to find their own way. It's really hard but I also think it's important for their confidence to be left to it. I know this isn't anything to do with your work situation but this might help them to bond anyway?

Agree with notinagreatplace about 50:50. DH is going to spend one day a week with DD once I go back to work. I'll have her one day, one day at nursery and two with my DM. I agree that if you want the 50:50 it takes extra effort as you have to give that much control away.

Meant to add - my DH will (like yours, it sounds like) be quite different to me when he's on SPL. I like my own company and am generally quite happy pottering around, playing with my DS, having the odd lunch/coffee with friends. My DH will sign up for lots of groups and classes and things. I think my DS will enjoy our different parenting styles and I hope that will continue when we both have a day off a fortnight with him - my DH will be the one who books the cool activity at the Science Museum and I'll be the one who takes DS out to jump in puddles.

Loopytiles: Why not?

Ah op stay off longer it's perfectly ok to not want to leave your baby just yet.

You both sound amazing parents and she's a lucky girl.

I resigned when I was in your position OP.

It needn't mean you are consigned to the scrap heap.

My working life has jetted off in an entirely different direction ( and earning twice as much) than if I had carried on and tried to muddle through when I really wanted to stay at home with my baby.

Doyouwantabrew: Thank you!

Ah op stay off longer it's perfectly ok to not want to leave your baby just yet.

You both sound amazing parents and she's a lucky girl.

Sorry about double post.