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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

" ...phobia of female friendships..." has this ever happened to you?

67 replies

btfly2 · 01/03/2017 22:45

I found and article talking about some ladies that never felt comfortable around women to be friends with. Some stories about isolation or bullying in the childhood or teenager's years scarred them until today and the idea of being sorrounding by a group of female companion feels like a horror movie for them.
Sometimes I feel similar but then I try to overcome it for the sake of my children and try to be friendly with other mums or in different situations where a group of girls gathered...but tbh is such a bloody hard work that I always find my house is a castle, my husband and my kids my world and I don't need anything else! Though not completely true, I think it would be really nice to have a nice bunch of girls to be part of and feel loved and supported. Anyway in my case and in my forties still going solo most of the time and with no female friendships on sight. Is only me?? Can you share your experiences so I don't feel I'm the crazy one! Thank you!

OP posts:

MephistophelesApprentice · 02/03/2017 09:24

They're not all that good at bitching...

Ha! True. Men bitch, but we're just shit at it so lose interest fast.

Ev1lEdna · 02/03/2017 09:28

@heron98 I'm so glad you said that
I hate people who say "oh I don't get on with women".

It's so dismissive and usually based on completely fallacious stereotypes of female behaviour.

Some women, like men, are unpleasant, rude, mean. But most are flipping ace.

Why write off 50% of the population?

You would think no one on here has had bad experiences with men (and I just can't believe that).
OP I do think that it is harder to make friends as you get older, the opportunities aren't there. I have also found that friends of proximity and those who have children in your class etc. aren't always the lasting friendships. There are some wonderful women out there if you make the effort and get up the courage to suggest going for a coffee - it's a little like dating but I'm sure there is someone you will get along with. Honestly not all women are bitchy, lots are kind, good fun and supportive.

Having moved a couple of times I have been parted from friends lost contact with some but stayed in touch with others and I do understand the anxiety involved in meeting new people and having to make that effort as I have been there but it is worth it. Friends can come in unexpected ways; one woman I get on with well now I met by passing her in the street every day - that's it! Then one day we bumped into one another shopping, I suggested coffee one day and we swapped numbers. It takes time and a little bit of effort but please don't write all women off on the basis of a few.

LadyFlumpalot · 02/03/2017 09:28

As I've gotten older I've discovered that I have maybe three or four really good girlfriends. The type who would drive over at 4 in the morning if you needed them to.

I've never gone out of my way to find close girlfriends, I've always been the one fluttering around the edge of several social groups.

However, over the years, I've realised that out of those groups there have sprung real friendships. The type where you can not see each other or talk to each other for months, a year, 2 years ... then pick up exactly where you left off. Those, to my mind, are the friendships worth cultivating.

Obsidian77 · 02/03/2017 09:30

Perhaps I'm being unfair but from your op, you seem to have very preconceived ideas of what friendship should be like. I wonder if you project this kind of hostility and can't-be-arsedness when you meet people? It seems like you want to have friends but not bother with the hassle of being a friend.
There's nothing wrong with preferring to be with your family, if that's what makes you happy. And if you don't want to interact with people so much in real life but pop up on MN to give support to people who need it, then that's awesome too.

Craftyoldhen · 02/03/2017 09:35

Most of my best friends are women, but so are most my biggest enemies (for want of a better word, people who have hurt me the most and I totally avoid). Relationships with women are more complicated I think.

The book Cat's Eye by Margaret Atwood captures the complexity of female friendships really well.

birdsdestiny · 02/03/2017 09:38

It's interesting isn't it. Would we say 'well I find all black people bitchy'. 'I prefer white bosses to black bosses.' But we will say this quite freely about women. There are some horrible women and horrible men. There are lovely ones of both sexes too.

NavyandWhite · 02/03/2017 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FannyDeFuzz · 02/03/2017 09:42

Well if you only get on with people based on whether they have a vagina or not, I imagine it would be difficult to make friends.

I was horrendously bullied by some seriously fucked up girls all the way through school. I am also related to, and friends with, some fabulous women, and I'm proud to know them.

I always hear this "women are so bitchy" trope...."they stabbed me in the back"... But HOW? Nobody ever clarifies how the backstabbing happened, and more to the point, why it was an action exclusive to the perpetrator's gender.

MaidOfStars · 02/03/2017 09:45

I used to say 'I'm a boy's girl, far prefer the company of men, they get my sense of humour and I like to talk about cars'.

Then I grew up and realised there were other women who felt the same.

And that I'd probably get on with them no cupcakes allowed

My girlfriends are all 'reformed boy's girls'. And they are fabulous.

helpimitchy · 02/03/2017 09:45

I find women very competitive and snidey Obviously, not all of them are, but I've given up on friendships too as it's just not worth the angst and upset. I have asd as well and it means my openness and honesty is just a signal for them to use me and ride roughshod over me. I simply can't identify when they're getting one over on me so I feel anxious all the time.

What I would really like is the opportunity to make friends with other autistic women and perhaps see if they're different and more, well, friendly I suppose. Real friendly, as opposed to fake friendly.

helpimitchy · 02/03/2017 09:49

I haven't had enough male friends to know what men are like as friends. My one male friend that I did have turned out to be a paedophile and was quickly dumped once I found out he'd abused his daughter.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 02/03/2017 09:50

Funny how it's frowned upon to lump all women together as NAWALT, but it's OK to lump men together (using NAMALT sarcastically).

My personal experience is that I have suffered far more and been treated far worse by far more women than I have by men.

But my experiences are negated and I'm called a hand-maiden, or an MRA, or misogynistic because it doesn't fit the "women are ace and wonderful, men are untrustworthy bastards" narrative. And thus adding to the loooong list of women who have put me down and made me feel like shit.

BillSykesDog · 02/03/2017 09:58

I always get the feeling that the posters who come on these threads and say 'well it must be your fault, there must be something wrong with you' or can't imagine not having female friends and view those who don't with suspicion are the sort of people who cause the bad experiences in the first place...

HailMarys · 02/03/2017 10:03

Well if you only get on with people based on whether they have a vagina or not, I imagine it would be difficult to make friends.

I was horrendously bullied by some seriously fucked up girls all the way through school. I am also related to, and friends with, some fabulous women, and I'm proud to know them.

Well put, Fanny.

Writing off 50% of the human race doesn't make a lot of sense, OP.

MrsDustyBusty · 02/03/2017 10:03

Well since I'm the person who said that I view people who can't imagine a friendship with women with suspicion, of course it's true. I regularly do all the things that people are complaining about here to other women. Of course, everyone wants to be my friend all the same.

Great to be alive.

phoolani · 02/03/2017 10:04

Pretty sure that studies done show that men gossip more than women. That people think it's women who do it more is down to the same sexism that makes men and women think that women do the majority of talking when they speak more than a quarter of the time in a mixed environment.

Boofeckinghoo · 02/03/2017 10:04

I think I know what you mean OP. It's not a conscious thing with me, to keep female friendships at arms length, it's just the way I cope.
I have a history of teenage bullying. It came at a time when I was struggling (watching my mum flounder in an abusive relationship) and I think was probably depression looking back. The girls that bullied me, supposed friends, at the time, objected to my low mood and said on more than be occasion, that if I carried on they'd "kill me". I don't believe it was literal but just a ham fisted way of getting me to 'cheer up'. When that didn't work they made me a social pariah. No one in my year group wanted to speak to me or befriend me. Whispers and pranks for a few years really ground me down. It was fucking brutal and I thought seriously about suicide.

It has taken me a really long time to deal with it and the fall out of that experience has meant I just can't trust easily or be in groups of females. I certainly don't judge all women by those girls but I instinctively seek out one on one friendships. It's a kind of psychological muscle memory I suppose. I feel happier that way and don't see it as an issue. I make an effort for my dcs when I can. Not everyone needs a large group of friends. I don't feel sad about it.

birdsdestiny · 02/03/2017 10:10

But no one has said all women are wonderful, no one. No one is negating people's experiences. But we use these phrases about a person's sex in a way we wouldn't about other characteristics. I would not say all the people I have known with blond hair have been arses and not expect someone to challenge that.

saladsmoothie · 02/03/2017 10:11

I used to struggle to make friends with women. It was a symptom of my own lack of self confidence, and inability to genuinely put myself out there. Far easier to be friends with men, who you can flirt with, or no one at all.

Now I am older, wiser, and very much more comfortable in my own skin I consider myself extraordinarily lucky to be close friends with some of the most fabulous women. They are strong, interesting, funny, kind, colourful, brave, wonderful people. I consider that they want to be my friend too the most enormous compliment. My life is much richer for the women in it.

birdsdestiny · 02/03/2017 10:16

To answer your question though op, I think it's more about finding your tribe. For me that's a tribe of two and I am quite happy about that. I don't think there are a lot of people who are in friendship groups like those in sex in the city. Also I think it can be about luck, I didn't find any close friends at the school gates. That wasn't because they weren't nice people that just weren't my tribe.

Craftyoldhen · 02/03/2017 10:17

I think women are more likely to use relational aggression, and men more like to use physical aggression.

Relational aggression is more insidious and difficult to deal with, especially in places like school and work places.

Physical aggression more obvious and swiftly dealt with.

FriedPisces · 02/03/2017 10:17

I have sort of had a similar feeling. I read an article on The Pool about female friendships being The One - Pool article - and I felt absurdly envious. I have my best mate who lives bloody miles away and one or two close friends locally but they all took a fair bit of effort to break their shells and earn their trust in a way. I would love a large circle of friends but I do associate it with the large groups at school. I'm in my 40s now and happy to accept that a big group is not me, never has been.
And I work with the bitchiest bunch of blokes I have ever known. It was a bit of a shock to hear them go on about each other to be honest. I hear them bitching and I know full well they're bitching about me behind my back. So I wonder if that's not a human thing as opposed to a gender thing.

BillSykesDog · 02/03/2017 10:32

Actually for all the cries of 'feminism' I think it's often the other way around and the people who are on the end of these bad experiences are often those who step outside prescribed gender roles most often and the bad experiences are a result of shows of disapproval of that and attempts to bring them back into line. See the posts above about some women being 'too competitive' or those without close female friendships being viewed with suspicion.

It's all very well to complain it's a stereotype, but at the same time it's very much reinforcing another stereotype that women should socialise with other women and be 'supportive' and 'empathetic' to other women and if they don't there must be some sort of fault with them.

Boofeckinghoo · 02/03/2017 10:39

That's a really interesting take on it Bill

Spongesecret008 · 02/03/2017 10:41

Poor quality friendships that can grind you down

I feel that most of my female friendships are grinding me down at the moment. I am not sure why. I know it is to do with me and not them. I much prefer to do things own my own.

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