To be annoyed at this work/life balance?

[MummysBusy]

DH's place of employment keep changing his usual 9-5, 5 days a week working hours into 4 or 5 12 hour shifts, usually at short notice. They are non negotiable, and he doesn't get time in Lieu, or any overtime payment. On the rare occasions that they've been planned more than a week in advance, he is not allowed to take time off during that week. Its probably happening once every 6 weeks and he's always knackered by the end of it. His contact states that he may be needed to work "a reasonable amount" of overtime without expecting anything back, so the company consider what they're doing to be legal.

On top of that, he's usually 45 minutes late on any given day. I could live with it all if he ever got the time back (he used to but it seems to be manager's disgression) but right now I feel like our family time isn't respected. I'm fed up of cancelling plans or just not being able to make any. It doesnt help that I dont drive and rely on him somewhat to get out of the house (public transport isn't great here either). I think part of the solution would be to learn to drive but we don't have the funds.

Surely being expected to work 45-60 hours in a week can't be considered "reasonable"? Or am I being naive? I feel like telling him to find another job, but it took a lot to get this one and I'm worried that maybe that's just what is expected these days.

He is less than 4 years out of uni, it's a fairly standard salary for this point in his career. He seems to be the only one of his cohorts that works these kinds of hours though.

It doesnt help that I dont drive and rely on him somewhat to get out of the house (public transport isn't great here either).

You really need to learn to drive. Or move to an area with a good public transport system.

Without that, you will get more and more frustrated/isolated.

Could you buy a one or two bed now and plan to move in say 18 months? ie can you get on the property ladder now and squeeze in rather than spend loads on rent waiting to be able to afford a three bed.

You want a 3 bed, you're complaining about his hours, he's less than 4 years out of university and you're a SAHP. You're putting your expectations way way too high considering you're a one salary family. You're trying to make choices of mid 30 yr olds in higher positions in established careers. Don't you see that? Cut your cloth, think about getting on the property ladder with a 2 bed. Many many people these days live with 2 children sharing a room in a 2 bed. Are you renting a 3 bed? If you are, that's throwing good money after bad imo.

He is less than 4 years out of uni, it's a fairly standard salary for this point in his career. He seems to be the only one of his cohorts that works these kinds of hours though.

That surprises me, all of our friends in professional careers work long hours.
DH left the house at 6.30am yesterday and got in at 8pm. He's WFH today but after getting up with the girls at 6 he's now in his office working, ill probably see him for 15 mins at lunchtime when he comes down for a sandwich.

It is normal around me area too. Leaving the house at 6am and coming back at 8pm are the most common hours amongst all the dads.

My DH leave the house for London at 5.50am then back at 7.30pm. I work 9-5 and work 2-3 hours in the evening after DCs gone to bed.

It is our choice to have careers and DCs, and we are happy with it.

Thanks michaelsheen and mummyofdragons, I probably needed that. It doesnt help that I'm older than him, so a lot of my friends appear to be doing better than us despite not really having any more money. I would be fine in a two bed, that's more his decision. I think I need to sit it out and see where we are in a few years. It's probably just the case that he's having to pay his dues, and I'm allowing myself to become too isolated.

EU law would protect him for these unreasonable hours... - hang on a minute [eyeroll]

If he is a banker, lawyer, architect, some other profession - that is unlikely. I was certainly working those hours - and my DB (banking), my friends, (law) and my clients (management consultancy) have been for years and still are.

So no, this is not one of those things that was ll lovely before 23rd June.

It is hard. Really hard - for you both - but longer term you will be better off. Moving to somewhere that is better for you would help.

Why do you need a 3 bed if you only have one child? I guess that is where your driving lessons money is - in that empty rented bedroom!

If he's only 4 years out of uni he's either only 26 or at least that'll be roughly the average age for peers who went straight through from school to a batchelor degree to a one year masters. 37k is a good salary for a 26 year old, but most professional 26 year olds in the south east of England are living in house shares or one bed flats and as you say not supporting dependants. It does sound a bit like doing everything fairly young is what's put you in this position (though if you are more than a year or two older it's understandable).

I guess if the normal career progression in his field has you working long hours for £37k in your 20s in order to achieve fewer more sociable hours by your mid 30s it is fairly standard, it's the outside work stuff that's making it hard to stretch his money and time now.

I worked long hours in my 20s for a good salary but no particular career path, but didn't mind as it was what most of my friends were doing and it was all sociable and quite fun - I'd have loathed that kind of work life balance by the time I had a steady relationship and child and would not have put up with it (but I'd left that type of work by then anyway) - I suspect that you have a mismatch between career stage and life stage, but there's not much you can do about it now!

Move to a two bed rental and use the money it frees up for driving lessons - once you've passed the test that driving lesson money will be available to save up for a deposit or as disposable income, unless you actually need an empty bedroom for some reason?

I well remember clock watching until my DH came home to swap duties, literally every minute made a difference so I am sympathetic to that! However, as PPs have said, you have a relatively good family income for one paid worker and a comfortable roof over your head. You should be looking for positives, not negatives, plus as the sole wage earner (I also remember this as all the clock watching sent me back to work ) it's very very demoralising to work all the hours you can, earn a relatively good income, suck up the commute and come home to someone complaining you don't have enough money (yes I know SAHP is also seen as a job etc but the fact is it isn't paid - please read on before ing!

The thing with having a SAHP is that it is a luxury (yes I know cost of childcare etc but this is short term pain for long term financial gain) and one of the rationales, to me anyway, is that funding a SAHP is an investment in another persons career. I know without DH being the SAHP I couldn't have invested in my career as I did early on (e.g. Being able to work late without worrying about finding childcare, someone to be at home with a poorly DC off school etc). So we were in the same boat but it paid off eventually and actually meant the career investment ensured I could later work less hours yet earn more money. So if you see your SAHPing helping that to happen and think long term you are investing in your family income and situation. You say DH, so I'm assuming you are married, I wouldn't give this advice to someone living with someone but not married as they aren't so protected by his income in the event of Bad Things happening).

Depending on how much you can earn though, would it worth going back to work and sucking up childcare on the basis is is short term v long term goals? Or is SAHPing better for you, in which case it is more suck it up and look for free and cheap stuff to do. Spring is coming which will make it easier. Do you have a garden? Makes a big difference in better weather with DC.

It's just a matter of prioritising, isn't it, it's hard to know what to do for the best (and housing costs do make me for you). Do think of it as short term pain though, before we know it they are teenagers and don't need so much childcare (and are more interesting ).

Unfortunately I'm ill now and can't work anyway, so I do look back pretty fondly on the days that were so stressful at the time, and think I was throwing happiness away worrying and stressing - I should have just enjoyed what I had instead of looking at what everyone else had or what I didn't have.

It's also very easy to feel unhappy with your lot and let resentments fester where there is a perceived uneven workload, but again it's a case of looking for good rather than bad, and appreciating each other.

I hope I don't sound too preachy. I'm not even that old, just had DC young and everything costs so much more now so I know it's different and harder but sometimes the same principles apply!

I don't know any professionals who work less 45-60 hours a week -sorry.

I do. I work 7 hours a day in a professional job for a small company, but I live in the north. And most of my colleagues are the same and well paid too, I.e. more than op's DH. I find smaller companies with good cash flow tend to have better work life balance, they hire the best but have budget to hire more people so we are not overstretched. Most of the times anyway. If I work weekends, I get paid for it.

OP, maybe you could consider relocating. I used to want to live near London but not anymore. The work life balance is better where I am, and house prices are reasonable too.

I am in the same situation OP so I understand how hard it is and you are not alone. Sorry for the rant but this has been on my mind this week as its been particularly bad!

My DH works 12 hour days with no time back, not a profession, almost all other workers have no children or have 1 with grandparents doing all childcare, no where near London and I couldnt care less if he earned 100k for doing it, nothing makes it worth while.

I have had to give up work because my night shift starts before he gets home, where we live there is no after school care and we have 3 dc although only 1 at school just now.

We have no family life, hes gone from working 4 days flex time to most days never seeing his children . It is really affecting us and our marriage wont last long living like this.

I blame my dh for this as he wont stand up against it or change jobs at the moment , businesses only get away with it in crap jobs if everyone goes along with it.

Sounds like he's trying really hard for you op

OP, sometimes you just have to suck it up, your DH probably has a good salary trajectory ahead of him.

We've had kids young too, DH earns well into 6 figures but we live in London so we are renting. We cant afford to buy around here but in 3-4 years our kids will both be in school and we will have all my salary to play with. My DH is a couple of years ahead of your DH in his career and still works the horrible hours that he did when he was 26 but he is really reaping the rewards of those hours now. In the last 2 years his salary has doubled.

You've chosen to be a SAHP and that's your choice, but realistically it will be a financial sacrifice. I am working to pay childcare right now but later down the line it will pay off as i will have advanced in my career.

In my experience the hours wont get much better in the next few years if he sticks at his job, but that just means you have to find other things to fill your days. Go to parks, meet other SAHPs because otherwise its a very lonely existence. There will be other mums in your area who have DPs who work in London as you said you are commuting distance and they will be in the same position as you.

4 years post uni DH was earning around 35k. 8 years post uni he's working the same hours but for 80k (and just had a 20k bonus) so it's paid off. It is tough being at home with young children (I'm a SAHM to a 3 and 1 year old), especially if you are isolated. We have made a huge effort to go out every single day (usually a group of some sort in the morning, home for lunch then walk/park etc in the afternoon) and have made friends. I do drive but there are quite a few groups within walking distance.

I think your expectations are unrealistic, the days of being able to purchase a home and have a SAHP while working 9-5 hours are long gone - that's the stuff of my mum's generation not ours.

I think 4 years post-graduation, 37k is pretty reasonable. You made the choice to become a SAHP and have children on one salary - unfortunately, the consequences of that are less money, and the working partner not really being able to turn down overtime as there isn't another salary to fall back on.

45-60 hour weeks, while tiring and frustrating, are fairly normal for young professionals, which is why most don't have children until their salary is a lot bigger, or they have a partner who also works and they wait until they're on the housing ladder before starting a family.

You need to decide whether being a SAHM is worth the trade-off of the long hours and a DH you rarely see. The alternative is you both working part-time for a few years, or you go back to work and you suck up the cost of nursery to have your husband at home more. Ultimately it's your decision - it should get easier once your DH's salary improves with promotions, but it's a long road to get there.

The days of being able to purchase a home and have a SAHP while working 9-5 hours are long gone - that's the stuff of my mum's generation not ours.

I honestly think it depnds on where you live. DP bought his house working 8 hours a day employed in a manual job living in the NW. Yes, he earns above minimum wage but it's nowhere near the 37k that OP's partner earns. His mortgage and bills combined for a two bed house with a garden come to less than I was paying for rent alone on a one-bed flat in the SE.

It is still affordable to have a SAHP on one salary and a mortgage, but you have to be willing or able to live/work outside of London/the SE.

Do you work OP?

How old are are you?

4 years post-grad rule won't apply if he's a mature student. I am an experienced non-graduate working in a field where you need msc/phds, and just got a £80k offer + paid bsc degree + contractual increase of £50k post-graduation. The post-grad young uns with just 4 years work experience get £40k- I'm not classed as that.

EU law would protect him for these unreasonable hours... - hang on a minute [eyeroll]

We are still in the EU you know and so far they haven't 'protected' the OP's DH from these hours of work. So I'm not really getting your point here.

Hermione funnily enough we turned down a job in the NW for this one. We could have bought almost immediately up there, but the employer was very upfront with the amount of overtime he'd be expected to do, and we felt the priority for us was to have him at home. Maddening.

Thank you everyone for your responses, it's really helpful. 5minutes you keep hitting the nail on the head, that extra bedroom needs to go. It's basically his mancave/music room so I might have a fight on my hands. You're right that our life stage and his career stage are mismatched - he had a health scare a few years back and between that and our age gap we thought we best start making babies. We don't regret it of course, but it can complicate things.

Also thank you to those of you that have said their/OH's salary improved relatively quickly. We are very 'work to live' so perhaps our end goal should be for us both to work part time and enjoy a comfortable income in a modest house. I know he'd love to take early retirement, but I don't think I could wait that long before we got to spend any time together!

I'm a staunch remainer but so far EU law hasn't protected me or my DH from working insane hours!

That's unfortunate! I only moved up to the NW recently and although parts are expensive, it's nothing compared to the SE.

Rent and mortgages are actually affordable, even drinks and meals out are cheaper. I earn less than I did in the SE but my standard of living is much better. Luckily neither DP or I are big on having careers - so long as we have enough money to save a little and have a holiday once a year, neither of us want huge salaries or a big house.

We have a small house near the coast - small mortgage, two cats, enough money for savings and holidays and neither of us earn more than 15k. It's nice :)

We're in the very lucky position of living in the north with a London salary due to the flexibility of DH's employer!