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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at this work/life balance?

80 replies

MummysBusy · 01/03/2017 16:40

DH's place of employment keep changing his usual 9-5, 5 days a week working hours into 4 or 5 12 hour shifts, usually at short notice. They are non negotiable, and he doesn't get time in Lieu, or any overtime payment. On the rare occasions that they've been planned more than a week in advance, he is not allowed to take time off during that week. Its probably happening once every 6 weeks and he's always knackered by the end of it. His contact states that he may be needed to work "a reasonable amount" of overtime without expecting anything back, so the company consider what they're doing to be legal.

On top of that, he's usually 45 minutes late on any given day. I could live with it all if he ever got the time back (he used to but it seems to be manager's disgression) but right now I feel like our family time isn't respected. I'm fed up of cancelling plans or just not being able to make any. It doesnt help that I dont drive and rely on him somewhat to get out of the house (public transport isn't great here either). I think part of the solution would be to learn to drive but we don't have the funds.

Surely being expected to work 45-60 hours in a week can't be considered "reasonable"? Or am I being naive? I feel like telling him to find another job, but it took a lot to get this one and I'm worried that maybe that's just what is expected these days.

OP posts:
category12 · 01/03/2017 17:54

Are you working yourself?

It seems pretty crap if you're not even benefiting financially enough to get driving lessons. I'd look at your household budgeting, and find the money to get driving and have the independence that it would bring.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/03/2017 17:57

My dh opted out of the 48 hour working week. Salaried employees often have to. He has no overtime pay or time in lieu. He takes a day if he physically goes to work at the weekend for a protracted period - not if he nips in for an hour and a half. He spends a lot of time on the lap top at home. He does his emails drinking his coffee in the morning. YANBU but if you want a job, which pays a reasonable amount, you have to be prepared to make yourself available to keep said job. His boss is pretty good though and dh gets to go to celebration assemblies and such when dd has certificates during the normal working day. So give and take. A lot of give from dh obvs.

Original poster
MummysBusy · 01/03/2017 17:59

Llanali pretty much, yes. I think you must be right that this is just the norm. As for not wanting to move abroad, we are a mixed race couple and I really don't like the way attitudes are leaning in the countries he can work In. I'm also an only child of a single parent, so the guilt tripping if I moved country with her only grandchild would be unbearable.

OP posts:
Somehowsomewhere · 01/03/2017 17:59

Sounds familiar. DH doesn't work shifts but tends to do 10-12 hour days (contract says 9-5 but 'must work the house required to perform the role'). I'm at home with a 3 year old and 1 year old. It's exhausting!

Original poster
MummysBusy · 01/03/2017 18:05

Rhayader that's exactly it - much further and he really wouldn't ever see the baby.

OP posts:
Llanali · 01/03/2017 18:11

Ah, I can see your point there. Tough one; I was contemplating a job in Texas but not so keen at the moment!!

I do think it's normal, but I don't always think it's right. You have my sympathy. I have 7 nights at home- including weekends- throughout the whole of March. I am away on business the other 24 :(

Somehowsomewhere · 01/03/2017 18:11

*hours required, not house

Astoria7974 · 01/03/2017 18:23

Fairly standard in most white collar jobs now. At least the company will look positively on his work come review/bonus time

5moreminutes · 01/03/2017 18:23

YANBU to be annoyed. Its perhaps because so many people are prepared to suck this sort of thing up that it becomes normalised...

If he isn't earning enough for you to get on the property ladder or pay for driving lessons despite working 60 hours a week I'd very seriously be asking what on earth is the point!

Unless it is a profession with a pay structure that makes working his way up to a much cushier role with fairly comfortable hours and higher pay (some professions do work that way) within a reasonable number of years a realistic aim? Is it?

If not he should LTBasterding firm and find a more humane employer!

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 01/03/2017 18:36

I think a lot of employers wiggle out of it by ensuring that the average 48hrs over a 16-week (or whatever it is exactly, I can't remember) period isn't breached, or by just talking people into signing the waiver (if you want to keep your job...). TBH it's not likely to be much better many other countries anyway, in the US it's standard to have much less holiday, for example.
Really it's down to your DH I guess. He may just have to stick it out for long enough to find a similar role with a different company that want him enough to not expect unreasonable hours, or to get his ear to the ground for a company known to be better to work for.
The other thing to consider is whether he is being completely straight with you or just not good at telling you he's happy to work the extra hours but is blaming his boss. Only you will be able to guess at that one!

Alaia5 · 01/03/2017 18:40

Mummys - I do sympathise but, by the sound of it, there's not a lot you or he can do about this. I get you're feeling isolated where you are with the baby - being able to drive would make a HUGE difference! You would be far less dependent on him and able to take the baby to things not on bus routes.
Learn on an automatic - it's much quicker. When I had my first baby I couldn't drive and felt isolated, even though we're in Chelsea. My DH was always working and I couldn't even have counted the hours. Now with 4 DC, it would be impossible if I couldn't drive.
Do you have friends in the area? How do you fill your days?

Original poster
MummysBusy · 01/03/2017 19:23

5moreminutes it is sort of like that, yes. The company are actually well known for good pay and treatment of staff, but I have noticed that most of his peers are single, or have a spouse with her own income and no kids between them. Maybe he's just too far down the ladder and I need to wait it out.

OP posts:
Original poster
MummysBusy · 01/03/2017 19:28

Although that reputation is based on the company before it changed hands.

OP posts:
lastnightiwenttomanderley · 01/03/2017 19:33

I'm in a profession that 'requires' a Masters (yes, you don't need one but progression will be harder and graduate jobs hard to come by) and sadly this is par for the course in some companies. (thankfully, not mine!)

Can you let us know the field he works in? Unless it's very niche I doubt it will out you and might help you get more tailored feedback.

5moreminutes · 01/03/2017 19:35

Mummy I do think that makes a big difference. Perhaps it feels worse to you if you have had your first child earlier than most of his peers and so 3 of you are living on an entry or not far above entry level income?

My dad worked every Christmas and all hours when we were very young for a good but not lavish income, but had a cushy job with far more limited call outs and almost no week end or bank holiday or antisocial hours and was very well paid indeed by the time he was in his early 40s and has a very healthy pension indeed now. My parents can consequently never get their heads around the fact not everyone is riding out long hours for not outstanding pay for a few short years in order to reach a very high standard of living down the line, but that for some people it's not necessarily going to get that much better...

I think if he likes his job and there is genuinely light at the end of the tunnel in terms of it being fairly certain that if he works hard the hours will be better and the pay higher in a few years it is worth riding it out. If there were no prospect of anything beyond a moderate annual pay rise and no improvement in hours on the horizon even in 10 years time I'd seriously be questioning what the point was and looking to move areas and change to a more sensible job!

If you are going to ride it out you need to look at ways to be less isolated yourself instead of hoping your DH will be home more - try to see if there is any way you can juggle to learn to drive or any other ways of getting out and about independently.

5moreminutes · 01/03/2017 19:37

*juggle finances/ budget to allow you to learn to drive, not literally juggle... obviously...

anothermalteserplease · 01/03/2017 19:53

It seems standard for professional jobs unfortunately. I don't know anyone who is a professional who works 9-5. Often there is a much bigger pressure to put in the longer hours as you're climbing the ladder. Some weeks it felt like we never saw my DH. It's up to you both if it's worth it or not.

yorkshirepuddingandroastbeef · 01/03/2017 20:08

Isn't this just the norm these days?

He's very fortunate to have office hours of 9 to 5. 45 minutes extra isn't excessive by most people's standards. The 12 hour shifts aren't great but if he's happy with the set up and wants to progress then he's probably going to have to suck it up.

My Mum doesn't understand how or why I would work beyond 5pm. "Ooh, I'd need to know what time I was finishing. I couldn't be doing with that!". I think she would last about five minutes doing my job..... Hmm

semanwen · 01/03/2017 20:51

I don't know any professionals who work less 45-60 hours a week -sorry.

5moreminutes · 01/03/2017 21:45

45 hours a week is ok but 60 more than once in a blue moon isn't unless you know with a fair degree of certainty that it is just for a few years til you reach a more comfortable rung on the career ladder.

Quite what salary would be worth 60 hour weeks for the next 40 years is beyond me - it would have to be a true vocation (in which case having a family seems a little unfair) or desperation or workaholism ...

As a stepping stone to a high salary and more comfortable hours for the first few years it's ok but that is still 6 long days. On £30 thousand it would be less than the London living wage...

Somehowsomewhere · 01/03/2017 22:10

For us the salary compensates for the long hours (as much as it can, a lot of the time I'd rather have DH at home), but if DH was working those hours and we couldn't afford driving lessons I think I'd be much less tolerant.

Original poster
MummysBusy · 01/03/2017 22:33

His salary is 37k, which thanks to house prices here isn't enough to get a mortgage on a 3 bed anywhere within 45 mins drive of his work. He's said before that he would do the commute but I know he'd hate it, he hated it in his old job. Almost half of our money goes on rent. It'll be another 2 -3 years before we can buy. I think we could make driving lessons work if we wanted to, but it would mean almost no disposable income for a while and frankly there really would be no point without that. We are able to exist on a single salary and I'm very grateful for that as I always wanted to be a SAHP until our kids were school aged. I just can't shake the feeling that we should be doing better than this. If his job was an hour up the road we would be doing better than this.

A lot of you are right though, we need to suck it up, at least for a few years. He's happy enough, and when we took the job I told him I could take a back seat until DC was school age.

OP posts:
Original poster
MummysBusy · 01/03/2017 22:52

Had a quick look, more like an hour 10 commute with traffic. God, what's the average commute, AIBU about commutes?

OP posts:
BumWad · 01/03/2017 22:59

Sorry but I don't think £37K is really all that for all them hours!

Astoria7974 · 01/03/2017 23:35

Agree. Especially low salary considering you need a masters to do his job. He needs to look elsewhere.

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