WIBU to put a note on the door regarding sleeping baby?!

[Nosyneighbourproblem]

I have name changed as this is potentially identifying but I am a regular mumsnetter.

We have just moved into a block of 4 flats, this is all new to me as I have never lived in a flat and always been quite private.
There is one other family who are also fairly quiet/private and we are just on hello/goodbye terms. The other two flats occupied by older childless couples, one of which is beyond the 'nosy neighbour' stereotype. Every morning I see her at the window watching everything go on, she is regularly stopping me in passing about mundane things "just to let me know".

I am on my own with two DCs, one at school and one 5 months old, who is breastfed of which I am struggling with, feeding is every 2 hours and could go on for half an hour each time. The baby naps after we get home from the school run and after a feed, he will only sleep on me so I am practically stuck on the sofa for an hour or two which I don't generally mind as I can put my feet up

Every few days now the neighbour watches me get home, and about half an hour after will knock on the door about any and everything, one week it was an hour after the recycling bins were collected to "remind" me to take the bin in etc.

It is regularly at feeding/nap time and the first few times I'd answer thinking it was urgent, every time waking the baby and then interupting the feeding/schedule. This morning she knocked on the door, I knew it wasn't a delivery or visitor as we have a gate system in which they have to be buzzed in so I ignored it as baby had just settled, she then knocked again and again getting louder each time. When this didn't work she walked round to my front room window (?!) pressed her face up against the glass banging on it. I had my boob out in my own front room and have some lady having a good look!

I then went to the door thinking maybe this time it was urgent but yet again it was another non important mundane issue. She asked why I didn't answer when I was clearly home and she made me feel a bit silly about the baby being fed.

Would I be unreasonable to put a notice on the door that if I am unable to answer after the first knock the baby may be feeding/sleeping and to come back later?? It's happening every few days and I'm finding it very annoying/breaching on my privacy.

I think being direct is going to be the only way, unfortunately. Her type don't pick up on subtleties of hints.

Tell her bluntly that you find her persistent hammering on your door or window unwelcome, intrusive and threatening. Say you are not stupid, you know when you need to collect the bin etc. and don't need her reminders.

To be honest, it almost sounds like harassment to me.

OP, I don't think you need to say it makes you feel upset or give any explanations. A simple "please don't bang on my doors or windows. If I don't answer it's because it's not convenient" should suffice. You don't have to let her know she's made you feel vulnerable or justify why you don't always want to open your own front door.

Your neighbour needs to learn she can't just pop around to tell you stuff. The worst part is you're going to have to be the one to teach her. I don't envy you. Don't make it personal about you, make it practical about her. It's not about how you or your baby feel or experience her. It's about how it's not ok for her to pop by so often and demand access to you by excessive behaviour. So, I'd go down the behavioural route. Ignore and don't respond/reply. If she comes to your window show a face full of disgust, close your curtains and ignore. At first she will get louder but it will end, and you could always record her antics in case you need to take it higher.

You fed the stray cat
My dh started this saying when I was nice to our downstairs neighbour and she kept coming back, he is right though short, sharp answers are the only way to go. Just pray she doesn't try climbing through the window vents when you ignore her I'm not kidding

That woman sounds crazy! I'd have to say something to her! She needs to respect your privacy and understand you have a young child in doors. Even if you didn't, she shouldn't be knocking like that all the time!

In regards to the note, I have one on my door that says ' newborn baby inside, give me a moment to answer, please don't keep knocking'
I had a delivery man knock on my door when my son was around 5 weeks old and he knocked, rang the bell, hammered on the door and banged on the window within 30seconds of each other! I wouldn't mind but he could see me in the living room trying to get up gently as my son was asleep on me! He got a mouthful that day!

How did he react to the "mouthful" Littlelegs19? Was he apologetic?

While I agree that this woman sounds a pain and needs to be stopped in her tracks, I have to say I am surprised at the amount of people who routinely have signs on their door when the baby is sleeping.
How do babies learn to sleep through normal noise and/or siblings etc if everyone us tiptoeing around them all the time?
If I saw a sign like thus, I would respect it, but secretly think the family were a little previous tbh

cathf for me the point would be that a knock on the window or the door isn't normal noise that you'd sleep through. White noise, yes. Repeated knocking, no. Esp not for a new mother who grabs any little bit of sleep she can

"How do babies learn to sleep through normal noise and/or siblings etc if everyone us tiptoeing around them all the time?"

Why do people still believe this cobblers?

It has been proven that you can't "train" a baby to sleep better. Some people remain light sleepers their whole lives. Nothing to be done about it.

Believe me, if I had the choice of clattering about throughout my children's nap times, I would have taken it. But I couldn't, because unexpected noises woke them up almost every time.

Parents who ask for quiet are not precious, "my baby is special" wrap-them-up-in-cotton-wool types. They are just normal people who desperately need a break, and - perfectly reasonably - want to avoid having an overtired child.

OP - your neighbour is seriously crossing boundaries here. I would go with the "mystified" approach if you can't face a confrontation. Look shocked every time you open the door to her. Say things like, "oh, I thought there was an emergency!" then furrow your brow at her. Keep asking her questions about why she is there, or leave long, bewhildered silences when she asks you impertinent questions. Accept that you will be able to say things like "oh, no you can't come in right now but enjoy your afternoon" and it will roll off her back. Or something like, "Doris! I can't talk when I'm at home with the baby!" as if she should know better.

She isn't wired like you and me. Her boundaries are different. Just as she feels comfortable doing awful things like peering though your window, she will almost certainly bumble off happily if you vague her.

How do babies learn to sleep through normal noise and/or siblings etc if everyone us tiptoeing around them all the time?

I don't think they do learn to sleep through the door bell ringing - it would wake me up so I don't expect a baby to sleep through it!

But a doorbell ringing isn't a normal noise that you should sleep through. Background noise yes. My toddler will sleep through a bus journey with repeated noises, but a doorbell would definitely wake her up.

Op I think you should be direct and clear and not say too much in your explanation. The more you say to try and explain yourself, the more she has to keep talking, twist, be disapproving about.

Just say "please don't knock during the daytime; I won't be able to answer the door. You could leave a note or knock after 4pm if you need to tell me something. If you knock sooner I won't be able to answer". If she asks why, just say you can't be disturbed then. If you give any longer answers, she will find ways around it! Just say the same thing again, and leave it at that.

I know how you feel though. Someone was knocking incessantly on my door yesterday. I genuinely didn't want to answer the door, and the continued knocking felt really intrusive. Somehow I felt rude for not answering, although they were the rude one!

People who keep knocking on the door when its not an emergency are being rude. Yo';re not being precious, and you dont have to justify yourself. Just say' if I dont answer the first time I'm busy, dont keep banging. And dont look in the windows'.

Thank you all, some great advice.

You are all so right I don't need to go into any details about why it felt so intrusive her looking in as regardless of whatever your doing in your home it's never right to be peered in on

DS is a really light sleeper as it is anyway but he would sleep through general chatter from my eldest, but repeated knocking on the door does wake him up, and it's just annoying when he's just drifted off in my arms and I hear her knocking

I don't understand how many people have experienced similar things, I'd never knock more than twice on someone's door, one normal tap and maybe one louder knock if it was a bigger house where they may not hear if upstairs.

Sod neighbourly relations. If she had done this to me with non sleeping ds1, I probably would have gone ape shit at her. I do not have an easy going temper when sleep deprived.
I think you need to be polite but very direct with her. Tell her you are not interested in spending time with her. You can manage everyday life such as bins in your own time and do not appreciate her intrusive behavior.

She asked why I didn't answer when I was clearly home

"I am not a servant so I am not obliged to come running to do your bidding when you ring".

I'd definitely try and speak to her, even if you do put a note up when you're napping/feeding, she needs to stop being so bloody annoying - I have no obligation to answer the door, the knock/ring makes me know you're there but doesn't oblige me to answer it!

I would try and speak to her at a time when she isn't at your door - either if you see her in the hallway or even going and knocking on her door see how she likes it to explain that Whilst you appreciate her looking out for you/giving you a heads up, they are actually getting intrustive and you're sure she doesn't mean to appear that way but it feels very patronising to be told things you are already aware of, just haven't had chance to do anything about yet. Perhaps tell her she needs to wind her neck in give you a reasonable chance to deal with the issue (eg the recycling boxes aren't going to self combust if left for a few hours) and only then she may leave a note if she feels the need but in future you will not be answering the door - and if she continues staring into your window while you have your boob out feeding the baby, you will have to inform the neighbours about her being a Peeping Tom.

I honestly would go with the mystified approach, OP.

It's really easy to suggest things like "I am not a servant so I am not obliged to come running to do your bidding when you ring" - god, it would be amazing if the OP said that and then told us what the reaction was but in real life, it's hard to say that sort of thing.

But I would apply the "what do you mean?" approach.

"Why didn't you answer the door? I knew you were in there!"
shocked face "what do you mean, Doris?"
"Well, I saw you go in!"
still confused "yes, I was home - but it wasn't a good time for me to come to the door. Was it an emergency?"
"I wanted to remind you about the bins..."
speaking slowly "But was there anything urgent? Because I only come to the door when it's convenient for me"
faltering a bit now "But... But..."
"Actually Doris, I saw you at my window the other day - was it an emergency that time?"
"..."
"If there's anything you need to let me know, feel free to mention it to me when you see me. Or leave me a note. I can't have the baby waking up though, I'm sure you understand."
Cose door.
Keep up the "concerned but confused" attitude until she slinks back to her window seat.

Let us know how you get on this morning op!

That is definitely the right approach DeadGood! I do wonder sometimes if posters would really say what they say they would in real life?
Seems a rather tiring way to live your life to me.