How qualified are social carers?

[meggle]

I have various problems with my 12 year old daughter. She needs help with her mental state but charities, gp and nobody else wants to know.
DH engaged social care to which I had some choice words.
Instead of helping dd i ended up having my mental health assest.
We had meetings in school which were an eye opener. Daughter could walk through school because she isn't stupid just invented the word lazy.

Every teacher commented that she can't/won't work with other people and can cause huge conflicts. Head of year told us she won't make any A grade BUT she is doing great. (What planet is he on?) She has not reached any year 8 goals.
We were told by Social care and HoY OUR expectations are to high?!

She hurts the other kids at home, steals from us (money and other things), makes up stories about us and kids in school, can't find friends at sport groups etc.

School/soial care thinks she is doing great has friends and is happy anywhere apart from home. Ergo - blame the parents.
She steals- WE should give her more money.
Less rules
less expectations + no revision for subjects she is already failing in.
Dd still hasn't got the grasp of time and simple math.
We aren't even supposed to ask her were she was/is if she fails to come home.
She wants to be waited on all day long, doesn't do anything for school, her room stinks and is a mess. She has not a single interest in anything.
She loves watching preschool programmes.
WE are making her unhappy. WE need to change or she is going into care.

She is 12 coming up 13 and I have been sent to parenting courses were social workers couldn't write a sentence properly let alone speak in intelligent sentences. Plus I was stuck with parents who had toddler issues and it was hideous.
(Since I came to this country many years ago I have a full command off the English Language and make sure it has been past on to all of my chidren, while neglecting my own language.)
Are these people qualified in anything?
I get the feeling any muppet in this country can be a social worker as long as they are as intrusive as possible and bully and patronise adults on their ways and means, Or is it just migrant bashing?

I can hold my own language wise but I am not used to be told I am an idiot for having a goal and expectations in common etiquette, school work, respect for others and a happy quite life.

When my children are naughty and have been told off, they will apologise for what they have done and will also say 'I know that you don't like my behaviour but you still love me'.
I know you don't like your dd's behaviour, but do you love her?

I think you should post over on one of the sn boards because there might be someone over there who can help.I can see you are struggling but what you need to do is to stop blaming and start listening. Your daughter needs you to help her.

Again, I really think you should make an appointment with a psychologist to see whether she has underlying issues (such as depression) that are the reason for her listlessness and disinterest in everything. They may be able to help if you let them. I also think it would be worth speaking to the police again. Last time she was just a child but she's getting older now, and is now old enough to be criminally responsible, so their advice and attitude towards the stealing will probably be much different.

Can you tell us what advice you've been given by the school/social workers to help her? What exactly have they told you to do? Your methods may be working for your other children but they obviously aren't for her and that's because children are all different. Perhaps it is time to try a new strategy?

You mention she's good at French - you really need to encourage her in this, especially if it's the only subject she seems to enjoy. If she enjoys French, perhaps she could also enjoy English Language? Does she read? Could you maybe find a tutor for her if the teacher is the problem, or buy her some French and English textbooks that she can read through so she can self teach a little of it? You said somewhere above that all her teachers "hate her", but that's probably why she doesn't want to be in class. I wouldn't want to spend time with someone who I know actively hates me, let alone if that person is in a position of authority over me. Perhaps the teacher refuses to listen to her, or even publicly humiliates her in front of the class, because they don't like her? Can you request for her to be transferred into a different class?

Lastly, I don't think people would have been criticising your language skills if you hadn't of bashed others (the social workers) in your OP. Everyone makes mistakes with spelling, grammar etc no matter how competent they are - that includes both you and the social workers. It's unfair for you to talk about them like that when you also make mistakes, as we all do because it's a human thing to do. And nobody is trying to be perfect here, we're just trying to give advice, but the negative tone of your post isn't really helping anything.

Please look at couple counselling together for a start. You each need to learn to communicate with each other. And a therapist for your DD. Look at other out of school activities for her (cadets perhaps), something where she gets to engage other parts of her brain that aren't challenged in school. Start a new tradition where once a month you go on a nature walk, it's often easier to talk when it's accompanied by an activity.

She sounds angry and sad and in need of someone to support and accept her. She reminds me of me in my troubled teen years and it took me a long time to work my way out. Right now she needs you to let go of any grudges about her childhood behaviour and step up to be someone who'll support her and cheerlead her accomplishments.

Very sad post, your dd sounds so unloved by everyone, esp by you. I have a horrible feeling that your other children are being encouraged to dislike her too.

When you think about it, at the stage your daughter is at in terms of behaviour, depression possibly, anger, unhappiness etc, her academic achievement is really not important. What's important is getting her to a place where she's reasonably happy, can express what's upsetting her, and can address the unacceptable behaviours. She can catch up on academics later, eben as an adult, she can do a degree as a mature student, do diplomas, etc, if she wants. But if you refuse to wholeheartedly help her now, then how will she cope as an adult?

I think you need help too to deal with your anger and embarrassment at your daughter, which you clearly feel. I dont think in fact you can help her until you start acting as if she's very important to you as herself, not as the perfect daughter you want.

I do feel sorry for your daughter, you speak about her as if you hate her. If she's really struggling as much as you claim then surely she needs help and support - but you seem to be treating her with disdain.

She hasn't got any learning disabilities. She is fabulous at foreign languages french and german, she can ski like a pro and loves to look after a boy with autism and anger managemant problems.
She is great with the disabled kids in her school. She helps them get organised, with their language classes.
She was offered to do her German GCSE in year 7 as she had the potential to really lift the schools grades. (Before she changed schools.) The school was to supply her with all the books and pay for her exams as they were only few children interested in German and she could just do it.

This school has just chosen options. Again she was to pick German but as there is only 1 other child that picked German and they offered to pay for the exam she doesn't want to do it because she can't show what she can do in class.
She has a huge potential but it is either all or nothing. She has been known to teach the french class and loves a day trip over the channel as it only improves her vocab and knowledge.
We are only too happy to go on weekend France trips as we all benefit from learning new things, go to museums, markets, try something new.
She has just had a couple of food tech lessons and enjoys them. She knows the end of years assesment in food tech is a cake competition. There are 100 plus baking books and patisserie books in this house, a many baking tins and tools as anyone could play with, but she has to find what she wants to do.
I am not in the school to bake it it is hers to do. Expectation- Find what she likes and practise until she is happy with it.
If it is a yeast cake she is after we happily make cinnamon rolls or Gugelhupf or crossaints, if not we will have a go at layers or strudel or cream/ swiss rolls.
Only rule in this house is to achieve something you have to practise. I provide the books, the computer, take the kids to the library, even a baking course at a professional place if needs must.
If that expectation is too much I can't help any of my children.
So far she is excited about it but seems to think she can pull out a book at the last minute and it will work.

I didn't kick my daughter, I gave her the option to go to school in her nightclothes or get dressed.
The girl in school did not spit at her. She lost her temper and got loud and dribbled after getting severely wound up by my child.
My child twisting the truth nearly had this girl fitted out with a criminal record.
She has the ability to get people really wound up and then portraits herself as the victim.

Your posts make no sense.

You don't think it's unrealistic to expect a bright but not motivated child to achieve As?

Really?

You say she hasn't got any learning difficulties, but I'm not so sure.

At age 12 she hasn't got the grasp of time and simple maths.
She can't/won't work with other people.
You think she is lazy (as she doesn't proactively do stuff?)
Sounds in some ways like my DD1 who it turned out had dyspraxia (also is very good with verbal side of languages)

Poor behaviour can stem from feeling pushed / overwhelmed / asked to do things you just can't do / feeling left out / feeling stupid.

Try writing down a list of the things she can't do / struggles with.
Then maybe a list of what types of situations trigger poor behaviour.
Then do some searching.

I wouldn't have expected someone to reach their y8 goals only half way through the academic year.

I think you need to talk to a therapist by yourself. You seem to have a lot of expectations and pressure on yourself and your daughter. Whether she manages to discover a love of learning right now isn't important - discovering how to be emotionally healthy is. And that includes making mistakes and working through them

You sound so frustrated. Your dd needs a professional assessment as she does seem to have real difficulties. She isn't happy and is underachieving. Has she ever had a full psychological assessment? You would probably have to pay but it would be helpful IF YOU listened to any advice and learned to work with, not against your dd.

What works for other children clearly doesn't work for her. Some people are square pegs and cannot fit into round holes.

If you want the best for her get an appropriate specialist involved and be prepared to change.

What do you mean when they say you must make changes or she will go into care? Do they think she is at risk of serious physical harm?

Your posts are extremely confusing or am I missing something?......

When did all this start? Has she always been like this? Has she been assessed for anything?
Is there anything you like/are proud of about her?

I would repost this on special needs chat with a post that is a more balanced about your daughter and focuses on how to get her some help since it sounds like her school just aren't seeing it? I would also look at how ASD presents in girls.... does any of this ring true for you? senmagazine.co.uk/articles/articles/senarticles/is-autism-different-for-girls

I should add I am not in any way a professional but your posts seem to say that she doesn't understand social rules (stealing, rubbing people up the wrong way), is very focused on things she is interested in but ignores the rest, and school think that she is fine but you don't (i.e. masking at school then releasing stress at home),

To be a social worker you need a masters.

This is a very odd post. It's unlikely all these authoritative sources are wrong and you are right.

I think you are perhaps so focused on the achievement or lack thereof of your daughter that you are missing very worrying signs about the state of her mental health.

Can you imagine what it must be like for her to feel so completely isolated and to feel that everyone hates her? It strikes me that her actions (lying and stealing etc) are focused around you and are possibly attempts to get some caring attention from her mother.

As for being reluctant to do things that she is not interested in, why should she? I doubt it would be good enough for you anyway. I am not trying to be cruel or rude but you do seem very demanding and I agree with the social workers who are telling you that it is probably your behaviour that is causing this.

And as for your question social workers are educated to degree level. Social carers, particularly those in a children's setting, are educated to a diploma level which is similar to a degree.

So what did the mental health assessment on you say ?

You say DD steals , then describe one episode in junior school , does she do it a lot or was it a one off ?

The nursery/hair incident made me laugh out loud , you surely cannot be holding that one against her nearly 10 years later ?

What does your DH think , he is her parent too ?

I think you are perhaps so focused on the achievement or lack thereof of your daughter that you are missing very worrying signs about the state of her mental health

and

I feel that this is also blinding you re accepting any possibility of learning disabilities

You can be very bright and have a learning disability, it doesn't mean "thick" you know?

Sounds like a very angry and hurt young person. This is not my having a go at you! But she is distressed and badly. She appears to be trying to get you to give her attention.
How is your relationship outside her behaviour issues?
Do you do anything to help her self worth, self esteem?

OP I'm not sure what you want from this thread? you are ignoring responses and rambling all over the place

I can tell you BOTH as someone who works with SS and someone who has been involved with them due to my DD's mental health just sticking your fingers in your ears and shouting 'it's NOT MY FAULT' helps no one

This child does not have learning difficulties, she lacks the self esteem and confidence in herself, she wants someone or anyone to take an interests in her feelings.

You are confusing however as one minute you said the school had no issues nor social workers but she has under average scores. This doesn't add up.
You said she does not apply herself, and yet she is so good at German and French that schools are falling over themselves to get her extra help.
You are choosing not to believe her when she explains what has happened at school, despite having a reason not to. The fact that the staff didn't see anything, does not mean automatically that she is lying. I was punched in the face, the whole class saw it, I was on the floor and my face swollen, but because a teacher wasn't present ,they too said it didn't happen.
Have you ever considered believing her! OK so she took a bunch of chocolates, maybe she wanted to see if you would protect her or drop her in it. Maybe she needs love and affection, understanding and communication.
May I ask where your native country is? Is it normal to act in a disinclined way toward children? Genuine question , as I am wondering if your view is cultural as you mentioned that this behaviour would not be tolerated in the country you grew up in.

TBH I am still reeling from the flippant 'nearly pushed pushed in front of a train'