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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how things can be truly equal of your dp earns more than you?

29 replies

malificent7 · 28/02/2017 21:54

Im on a shitty low wage. My dp is on twice as much but that is still not much. He is not the father of my child and we dont live together. We have been together for just over a year.

I started off being able to contribute equally to us going out etc but my cumstances changed.
He is very generous and takes me out etc but we both want to go away together this summer.

The thing is he dan afford to go away but i cant. I think he should rake his own dd away anyway although i do feel sad we cant share this special time together. I also strongly feel that he needs a holiday with or without me.

How do you work things out like this?

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 28/02/2017 21:56

I must also mention that he has his own dd to pay for and own bills etc so im not after his money. I feel vwry uncomfortable tbh and want to make an equal contribution.

OP posts:
TittyGolightly · 28/02/2017 21:57

When my DH earned twice as much as me, he paid twice as much of the bills. E.g. I paid 1/3rd, he paid 2/3rds. It doesn't have to be 50/50.

WorraLiberty · 28/02/2017 22:03

Well it's a bit different in your case because he's your boyfriend rather than your DP.

If you lived together, there would be many ways for both of you to contribute to running a household/looking after kids that would make you equal, but didn't involve earnings if that makes sense?

Tobebythesea · 28/02/2017 22:22

My DH earns five times my salary. Everything goes into the same pot and we get equal spending. Our salaries will never ever be 50/50.

There are other areas of our life that are definitely not equal. Is that due to him earning more money? Probably has something but not all to do with it.

Chasingsquirrels · 28/02/2017 22:28

DH was my direct line boss, a partner in the business so actually my boss as opposed to just the next step up the ladder, and earned 5 times what I did.
Most of the time when we started going out he paid, although I did occasionally, probably about 1 in 5 when I think about it which equates to the salary divide.
I have never felt that I'm not his equal in every way.

I don't know how you work it out, it was just never an issue for us.

KeemaNaan · 28/02/2017 22:32

I used to earn 3 times what my DH did. I paid the mortgage and bills and all extras. He bought the food shop. We both had about the same free income.
Now I am on ESA and he's the main wage earner. He pays for everything and I cover what I can. We both have sod all free income, but survive.

We have joint funds. It's our money, not mine or his. That's how it worked.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 28/02/2017 22:36

DH earns way more than me, one day I may equal him but that may never happen. All our money is considered family money.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 28/02/2017 23:09

He's just a boyfriend so I would expect to contribute my full costs or not go.

You could always take on some more work if you really want to go, school hours term time only doesn't really pay that well but leaves plenty of time for extra work.

You always seem to be looking for someone else to pay for every thing despite having the means to work at a higher level etc.

Original poster
malificent7 · 28/02/2017 23:13

Did i not just say i didnt want him to pay? I think i did.
Plus had an interview for higher level job last week. No joy yet.

OP posts:
Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 28/02/2017 23:17

It's too early to make a conclusion yet. DP has always earned far more than me, and always will, but he says the money is just their to facilitate our lifestyle. I am equally on the mortgage, and I have full access to our bank accounts.we just both contribute whatever money we have to the kitty and take out what we need for the household.

It used to bother me a lot - for years! But now I'm a SAHM (until kids start school) and I can see (and DP reminds me) that the contribution I make to the family is enormous and irreplaceable, even though it doesn't have a monetary value.

DP is a really good man who values love and family over money. If your new partner is like that you won't have any trouble, but of course it will take several years to obtain that level of trust and support.

Let him go in the holiday. If he wants to pay for you I think it's ok to let him if you will still both have a good time, but he should go whether you do or not.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 28/02/2017 23:18

Their = there. Hmm

EnglishGirlApproximately · 28/02/2017 23:19

At various times in our 11 years I've earned double what DP has, earned next to nothing in maternity leave, earned very similar and now I'm draining the family finances starting my own business. Through all of that it's been joint money - everything in and out of one pot and what's left is joint. I can't comprehend being in an unequal partnership.

OneWithTheForce · 28/02/2017 23:20

You just decline any invitations that you can't afford to pay for. Just like if a friend asked you to something and you couldn't afford it. He is a boyfriend, not a partner.

dowhatnow · 28/02/2017 23:21

If it's a serious relationship
He's chosen you. You are both equal and contribute in different ways. Nobody should have more control or privileges because they earn more. You are a partnership.

If you are casually dating, of course it's different.

dowhatnow · 28/02/2017 23:26

If it's not really that serious then you say you can't afford it, you put no pressure on him but you accept gracefully if he wants to pay - after all he will get the pleasure of your company - which he obviously wants or he wouldn't have asked. No guilt or handwringing necessary. You go on an equal footing, even though he is paying.

JungleInTheRumble · 28/02/2017 23:30

At the "boyfriend" stage my partner and i only did things we could both afford.

Since I took a big pay cut to be with him he's paid for pretty much everything (although I do know roughly how much I owe him and it's sitting in my bank account should we ever need it). We should probably get a joint account really...

RortyCrankle · 01/03/2017 00:10

Perhaps if you hadn't blown the £16k inheritance you received, you would be better able to pay your way with your boyfriend?

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 01/03/2017 00:16

Inheritance? Hang on, let me grab some popcorn...

WildRunner · 01/03/2017 00:18

When we first got together, DH earned more than me. So he paid for more. Situation swung quite quickly - I now earn considerably more and have done for a while. But that comes at a cost - my days are much longer and I'm away a lot. DH picks up all the household burden: cooking, cleaning (a bit - neither is us are paragons of domesticity!) and general sorting shit out. I couldn't do what I do without him, he enables me to take pride in my job and provide a decent lifestyle for us. Ergo we have an equal relationship.

CosyNook · 01/03/2017 00:20

Do you have any family who can lend you some money

P1nkSparkles · 01/03/2017 00:33

My DH earns loads more than me - but whether you consider us to be equal or not depends on your values... He didn't when I met him and I supported him all the way through uni proof reading his essays, helping with his dissertation & supporting him get jobs by helping with his applications and doing interview practice with him.

I have also taken significant hits to my own career to secure working patterns that work for us as a family, carried and given birth to his daughter & we deal with each other's crazy families... we're a team & I'm no less valuable a member because I earn less Hmm

Money is only one aspect of a partnership & it's up to you how you're going to deal with it in your relationship.

MakeItStopNeville · 01/03/2017 00:39

DH doesn't give a crap how little I earn (some weeks nothing. I'm in the process of starting my own business). Before that I was a SAHM for years. We're still equals in our relationship.

MermaidsTears · 01/03/2017 04:01

My DP earns about 7 to 8 times the amount I do. I often wonder if I will ever feel equal as my earnings will always stay similar, he's are destined to go up and up.
I know in my heart I contribute lots to our family, in many ways more than he does (not financially, but everything else I feel)
But I always feel like other see it as I should get lucky? Grateful? To him.
Could just be me though. I am finding as I'm growing older I am realizing my own worth more and more slowly but surely.
I recognize more with each passing year how important and irreplaceable I am to our family.

HeadDreamer · 01/03/2017 05:34

I earn more than DH. We pay our salaries into a joint account which pays all bills. Then we get 50/50 left overs to our own accounts.

In your case it is different. He is a boyfriend and you aren't running a household together. I would say the suggestion he pays double you is good.

GirlOverboard · 01/03/2017 05:47

You frittered away a significant part of your inheritance on clothes, jewellery and foreign holidays. Now you can't afford to go abroad with your DP this year. Tough. You need to get a grip, own up to your poor financial decisions, make some serious cutbacks and stop expecting other people (your dad/your DP) to subsidise your lifestyle. You shouldn't even be thinking of going on holiday when you're so skint. And more fool your boyfriend if he ends up paying for you. If you want equality then there's plenty of free/cheap things you can do together, rather than letting him pay to take you out places. Learn to stand on your own two feet.

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