to drop this friend?

[CatCafe]

We have been friends for about 15 years. Drifted in closeness due to living an hour away from each other but still remained in touch via text. I recently moved to the town she lives in.

Since I have moved we have seen alot more of each other which was nice. Around the same time I moved she broke up with her long term boyfriend and my partner and I made an effort to include her in alot of our plans so that she wasn't at home feeling fed up while she was getting over it. I also helped out with bringing her shopping and giving her lifts as she doesn't drive and her boyfriend would normally have helped with this.

Time has gone on and I've seen a bit less of her- she doesn't join my partner and I for a drink any more and has started dating again which is great and I'm happy she is moving on.

Over the past couple of months though, I have come to realise I only really hear from her when she needs something. She'll invite me for coffee before she starts work, knowing this will result in a lift into town for her. If she doesn't ask me directly for a lift she will just message and say "omg i have so much to do today, i cant believe I'll need to trek to X/Y/Z on the bus." If I (purposely) don't pick up on her hint she will call me and ask me for a lift, barely even says please or thankyou. She called me once a couple of weeks ago asking me to make a 3 hour round trip with my son in towe to save her getting the train back from her one night stand.

I was going to visit a relative in intensive care last week and she asked if I could run a couple of errands for her before I went, didnt ask after relative and barely commented when i replied my car was off the road.

The final straw was yesterday, I hadn't heard from her all week after she had been on a spa weekend with her new man so I text her to ask how it went and if she had a good time. She replied asking if my car was back on the road yet and would i pick her up from the train station. When I said no as the car was still out of action she didn't reply until later that night when she practically demanded that I interrupt my Sunday dinner with DPs parents to get her a takeaway and take it to her house because her ex was delivering so she couldn't face seeing him. I was pissed off by then and just turned my phone off. When I switched it back on there were more messages badgering me plus a pointed facebook status hinting at me to bring her food.

It takes me all my strength to reply that I'm not a fucking skivvy.

Should I tell her to fuck off? She has the skin of a Rhino so I don't know what i could say to make her see that this isnt on. I feel like i'm just a replacement car service since her ex can't ferry her around any more.

Asking someone to go get you a takeaway and then bring it to your house, that takes some brass neck.

I think as you don't want the confrontatiin and neither would I to be fair, you have to option but to ignore the requests you don't want to do and then later or next day then just text back sorry I missed this, uou ok and leave it at that, she's no right to ask you why you don't respond. just say you were busy. She doesn't seem to understand boundaries and what and what is not acceptable.

I'm not sure at the minute she is bringing anything to my life. I don't hear from her unless she wants something. Come to think of it, even before I moved the only time I saw her was if I travelled here- even when DS was a baby and public transport was a logistical nightmare with a buggy yet when he was only a few months old I left him with my parents for three nights to stay with her after her partner died. DS is seven and in all that time I didn't see her unless I travelled.

I don't have many friends in this area yet she has never invited me out for drinks with her or made an effort to include me, despite me sacrificing alone time with my partner to include her in our plans.

I've lived here five months now and she hasn't once come round to my house, despite it being a ten minute walk away from where she lives- she actually has to pass my street on her way home.

Sanity You are right, I need to grow a set and just tell her to piss off. I have always been a people pleaser and would rather just keep quiet but no-one has ever taken advantage of my good nature like this before.

I think I'll just not initiate any more contact. If she gets in touch for a chat/ arrange a meetup then fine, if she asks for a favour I'll ask what her last slave died of.

the constant badgering makes me feel on edge

Aaaayiaaah!

why would you want to be friends with someone like this? she's a bully.

OP you CAN live with out a person like this. your relationship with her like this isn't sustainable really is it?

I think the dynamic has now become so ingrained between you two that it's going to be very difficult for you to shift. From her perspective she's just continuing with the status quo of your relationship i.e. you give she takes. Whereas your perspective is that you were reaching out to help her in times of need under the assumption that the pendulum would sing back once she was back on her feet. She has no intention of that happening, I imagine the more you resist the more she'll push for what she wants. You do just need to be firm, either stop seeing her altogether or only when it actually suits you not when she wants you to be her skivvy.

I never used to drive by the way and would be mortified to ask friends to cart me around like a child. I'd only accept a lift if the person wasn't going much out of their way and I was very conscious of paying them back with favours (babysitting or whatever).

When she messages you, why can't you reply with a text... Because you keep mistaking me for your ex / personal taxi service!

I wouldn't even bother with meet ups, life is too short to have people like that in yiur life. Just be permanently busy. No for favours.

I think you've figured out you need to say no to her demands, but you haven't found the most effective way to say no yet. (As your polite excuses and turning off your phone just aren't getting through to her)

You need to come up with some effective responses that stop her in her tracks.

'That doesn't work for me'

'No way I can drive you today, sorry'

'It is unreasonable if you to expect me to bring you a take away, the answer is no'

'I'm busy now, sorry'

'Not today, sorry'

'I won't be driving a 3 hour round trip to pick you up from a one night stand, I'm shocked that you would even ask me to. The answer is no'

'I have plans, can't help, sorry'

Exactly just, she senses a weakness within you, so takes total advantage. she knows your too nice to refuse.

You are right Aero she knows I'm a soft touch and she's just playing on it. I don't know why it has taken this thread for me to see it but I'm glad I posted now. I knew her requests were ridiculous but I thought it was just sheer brass neck, now I see just how much she is exploiting our friendship and my previous kindness. I'm fairly sure she doesn't treat her other friends like this since if I'm not available she seems able to make do with the bus or whatever.

I haven't heard from her since I refused to take her food at the weekend, I strongly suspect this is because I told her i'd have no car until today. I'm now curious to see if I'll hear from her once she thinks it's safe to assume I have transport again.

I'm half hoping she does as after this thread I think I'm pissed off enough just to tell her to shove it.

Just block and forget. She has no respect for you or a sense of other peoples boundaries. Being kind and caring isn't a weakness. You are nit weak as your line has been crossed and you are listening to yourself/gut feeling she has gone too far. That is admirable.

Good on you, just tell her to feck off.

I wouldn't tell her to eff off but I would keep saying no to her demands. Maybe she'll get the hint. Go out for some drinks and see if the fun / friendship is still there or not. Then decide how much you (if at all) want her in your life