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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to drop this friend?

62 replies

CatCafe · 28/02/2017 19:06

We have been friends for about 15 years. Drifted in closeness due to living an hour away from each other but still remained in touch via text. I recently moved to the town she lives in.

Since I have moved we have seen alot more of each other which was nice. Around the same time I moved she broke up with her long term boyfriend and my partner and I made an effort to include her in alot of our plans so that she wasn't at home feeling fed up while she was getting over it. I also helped out with bringing her shopping and giving her lifts as she doesn't drive and her boyfriend would normally have helped with this.

Time has gone on and I've seen a bit less of her- she doesn't join my partner and I for a drink any more and has started dating again which is great and I'm happy she is moving on.

Over the past couple of months though, I have come to realise I only really hear from her when she needs something. She'll invite me for coffee before she starts work, knowing this will result in a lift into town for her. If she doesn't ask me directly for a lift she will just message and say "omg i have so much to do today, i cant believe I'll need to trek to X/Y/Z on the bus." If I (purposely) don't pick up on her hint she will call me and ask me for a lift, barely even says please or thankyou. She called me once a couple of weeks ago asking me to make a 3 hour round trip with my son in towe to save her getting the train back from her one night stand.

I was going to visit a relative in intensive care last week and she asked if I could run a couple of errands for her before I went, didnt ask after relative and barely commented when i replied my car was off the road.

The final straw was yesterday, I hadn't heard from her all week after she had been on a spa weekend with her new man so I text her to ask how it went and if she had a good time. She replied asking if my car was back on the road yet and would i pick her up from the train station. When I said no as the car was still out of action she didn't reply until later that night when she practically demanded that I interrupt my Sunday dinner with DPs parents to get her a takeaway and take it to her house because her ex was delivering so she couldn't face seeing him. I was pissed off by then and just turned my phone off. When I switched it back on there were more messages badgering me plus a pointed facebook status hinting at me to bring her food.

It takes me all my strength to reply that I'm not a fucking skivvy.

Should I tell her to fuck off? She has the skin of a Rhino so I don't know what i could say to make her see that this isnt on. I feel like i'm just a replacement car service since her ex can't ferry her around any more.

OP posts:

Sugarlumps333 · 01/03/2017 00:56

She only keeps demanding favours because seems like everytime she has asked you have said yes. Don't be an enabler OP. Don't turn your phone over her either - next time she asks say 'sorry, am busy, speak soon'. Or just blatantly ignore - next time she puts an indirect on facebook, log on and update your status - letting her know you have seen her demands but you are actively doing other things, with you know, your OWN time.

Sugarlumps333 · 01/03/2017 00:57

And then if she no longer wants to be friends because she isn't getting favours out of you - then she was never a friend worth having in the first place.

highinthesky · 01/03/2017 01:03

Trollspoopglitter is spot on!

Original poster

CatCafe · 01/03/2017 01:07

The difference is that the 2nd post reveals more about the back story between OP's relationship with friend.

What backstory? We have been friends for many years, and now that I live nearby and she doesn't have her boyfriend to run after her she seems to be calling on me to to it. Before I moved, she had him and I was too far away to be called upon in this way anyway.

From these two posts, it sounds unlikely, unless the OP is utttely incapable of setting boundaries, that this is as clear cut as demanding favours without any reciprocal deed.

She demands favours from me, I haven't asked her for anything in return. The work she did for me was before I moved here and I made it clear I intended to pay her the going rate. She physically wouldn't take the money from me which was extremely kind of her but I have treated her to lunch, coffees and a concert to show my gratitude.

If these were instances where she was really stuck (for example one of the times she asked me to take her and her pet to the vet as pet finds being outside distressing), I would be less annoyed but I don't think demanding takeaway delivery when I have no car and am in the middle of a family dinner qualifies as "friend in need"- it's the fact that most of the time she doesn't actually need my help, it's just that it's more convenient than doing things for herself and she can't be arsed.

OP posts:

Original poster

CatCafe · 01/03/2017 01:08

Sugarlumps I have turned her down several times but it doesn't deter her from asking again or just becoming more persistant.

OP posts:

beebeecee · 01/03/2017 01:10

So what's your AIBU?

You clearly know YANBU.

Sugarlumps333 · 01/03/2017 01:10

So there is your answer. Whenever she asks for something - IGNORE. She doesn't seem to have a problem ignoring you when she has better things to do, so why are you thinking twice about it? Sounds embarassing - don't let her walk all over you.

Sugarlumps333 · 01/03/2017 01:11

Embarrassing even! Spelling 😭

SoleBizzz · 01/03/2017 01:17

She won't ever change. Her life is not your responsibility. She us using you. You are feeling drained and stressed. Her life has become yours. Ghost her. Take your power back. Block her.

SoleBizzz · 01/03/2017 01:20

You won't regret following my advice. Most people do not behave like she does. Urgh.

WhispersOnTheWind · 01/03/2017 01:27

I had a friend like this, started out she took care of ds1 for two afternoons while I had a prenatal appts. When ds2 was born and I was on maternity leave she asked me if I could pick up her dcs one day a week from school, she had a part time job and that one day she had to work till 4pm. I was happy to help. Then it became an 'emergency' one-off extra day one week. Two weeks later another extra day. Suddenly I'm doing it every week, then her hours changed so she's not picking up until 5.45 and her dd needed to go to dancing lessons on one of the days and then she'd been asked to work Saturdays...Yeah, no. I was a mug for too long, don't do that OP. Tell her no more and if she persists, block her.

SoleBizzz · 01/03/2017 01:32

Even if you tell her about her own behaviour and how it affects you she won't get it. She might tell everyone you know how unreasonable you are! She is thick skinned. She has treated you very badly. She doesn't deserve a kind and giving person as yourself. She doesn't deserve anymore ammunition. You need to stop caring and care about you.

SoleBizzz · 01/03/2017 01:33

What does your DP say about her?

Butterymuffin · 01/03/2017 01:34

You'll need to tough it out and not answer next time when she keeps ringing after you've said no.

citychick · 01/03/2017 03:09

agree with Buttery.
if u want to remain friends you will need to break her behaviour by not answering the phone. and saying no.
if she spins the situation to blame you then quietly drop her . no friend should behave that way.

sounds like she won't.change her behaviour so you'll need to change yours.

good luck

Original poster

CatCafe · 01/03/2017 07:54

DP says the way she is being is not fair and scoffs every time it happens.

I've said no to her last few requests and ignored the follow-up calls and texts but it just doesn't seem to make a difference. One day i ignored a phone call and she happened to be going past me in a taxi as i was walking and she then messaged me several times wanting to know why I hadn't answered.

I know her behaviour is unreasonable but I don't know if it's harsh to drop her when she has been my friend for so long.

OP posts:

ChuckDaffodils · 01/03/2017 08:07

15 years isn't that long. If you were married and she behaved this way would you end it? Or just carry on as it has been 'so long'?

Original poster

CatCafe · 01/03/2017 08:13

It's more than half my life Chuck.

I don't know why I find these things so difficult. The constant badgering afterwards makes me feel on edge. Even though I have managed to just say "no" once and said "no" with genuine reasons a few times I still feel the need to justify myself.

I end up giving excuses as to why I can't answer the phone or have missed her calls as though I'm in the wrong for not being immediately available. In my head i know this is ridiculous but in practise I find it difficult to just point blank not say anything.

OP posts:

ChuckDaffodils · 01/03/2017 08:30

It's more than half my life Chuck.

It may be more than half your life SO FAR but you have the power to not make it over half your life forever.

Q. What does she bring to your life?

ElspethFlashman · 01/03/2017 08:35

If you're such good friends answer "Seriously? You do realise you're taking the piss?"

Whitney168 · 01/03/2017 08:39

If you are in the position of considering dropping a friendship that you would ideally like to keep, what have you got to lose by being frank with her?

You don't need to have a row, or be nasty - just say to her that you feel put upon by her constant requests, that you have a life of your own, and that while like all friends you are happy to help out, you are not her employee and you will not be responding to unreasonable requests to fetch and carry for her. Tell her that you would like to keep the friendship, but at the moment you feel it would be easier not to.

At least that way you have given her a chance to review her behaviour and make the relationship more balanced. If she chooses not to, then you're no worse off than you would have been just dropping her without the conversation, and you'll know you tried.

Smallangryplanet · 01/03/2017 08:48

I think your friend sees you as taking over driving responsibilities from her ex. I agree with pp about arranging a social event. Maybe a drink in the way home from work so you both don't drive will really test her?

I don't drive and was an arsehole when I was younger (late teens). It just didn't occur to me that a friend going out of their way to give me a lift was a big deal. I don't expect my oh to give me a lift and happily get around, city to city, under my own steam.

Smallangryplanet · 01/03/2017 08:49

What Whitney said.

SanitysSake · 01/03/2017 08:51

I'm usually a pretty understanding person, but I'm not surprised your OH is scoffing at the situation. It is ridiculous and you're allowing it to happen.

She's royally taking the piss.

Sorry to be hard line, but stop being mealy mouthed; mewing on here about how awkward you feel. Tell her straight. I understand that for some people that is sometimes difficult - but by the sounds of it, it could be the most liberating thing you've ever done. It will also empower you for the future.

If it were me, the word 'Off' would be featuring heavily as an emphasis point. e.g 'Oh do fuck OFF'

Do it! It'll make you feel amazing!

Yoksha · 01/03/2017 08:54

She's starting to behave abusively towards you. How long has this been growing in momentum?

OP, you need to google "Sunken Costs Fallacy". Your thought processes are engaged in these dynamics.

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